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THE “EVERYBODY’S DOING IT” EXCUSE Q. My “tween” is always saying “Everybody does it” or “Everybody says it.” I know this is an excuse to try to get her own way or get things she wants. But I’m really getting tired of hearing it. Where does this end? Frustrated Mom A. It ends only when you don’t cave in to her pleas and you put a stop to it. Think about that “everybody” excuse. Did you ever ask her for the numbers, as in exactly who or how many or which of her friends are doing this or saying this or wearing that? Try talking to her about facts versus exaggeration. Then talk about how you hope she will be true to her own values and yours, and not just follow along after others like a sheep whenever a fad or trend appears. Aren’t there some things she would NOT do just because everybody does it? Ask her for examples. Tell her to really think about whether or not she wants others (including the television and other media) to pressure her into choices that may not be good ones. We don’t have to do what “Everybody” does. (BTW Google “The Lemming Condition” which is a fabulous little book by Alan Arkin. It‘s a great example of what happens if you always do what “Everybody” does.) Other “Everybody” excuses that parents need to shoot down: “Everybody” comes home whenever they want to. They don’t have a curfew. I want a car! “Everybody” drives to school now instead of using the bus. Of course it is ok to have sex (or drink or do drugs)…“Everybody” does it. I watched a recent television morning show and saw Adam Mansbach, the author of “Go the F…K to Sleep” defend his use of profanity in the book and on the cover “Because EVERYBODY talks that way today…we hear it on television in movies in music …it’s normal current behavior.” He says the book is “a parody of a child’s book for adults.” Well, the kids see it too. Another book mentioned was “If You Give the Kid a Cookie Will He Shut the F…k Up?” This one has the subtitle “A Parody for Adults.” Both books, however, perpetuate the belief that profanity is ok and normal. I hope my readers will notice one more very important point. When you say “everybody” does something, it means that NO ONE has to take responsibility for their behavior! (How convenient.) And that’s an even bigger problem with both today’s children and adults. February 2012 AFFLUENZA CONTINUES TO SPREAD Q. My two teenage girls got lovely Christmas gifts, including new clothes and accessories. But now that seems to be “old news” and they are nagging me to go shopping to find more “sales” and buy more new stuff. I get upset when my children think they should get what they want when they want it; it wasn’t like that when I grew up. Our girls have part time jobs and their own money but they always want more than they have. Why? How can I help them stop spending? Disappointed Mom Online We need to look at their behavior in context with the current values of our own society and our own modeling. The United States is the biggest consumer in the world, and research studies have stated for years that we are, on average, nine times more consumptive than other Western cultures. This compulsion to have more, newer and bigger, even when we can’t afford it, has been named “affluenza”. Both social and economic researchers have been very concerned about affluenza, calling it a growing social disease caused by consumerism, commercialism and rampant materialism. Along with it comes anxiety, overloading, over working, and personal and national debt. Add to these the erosion of family and community, the growing gap between rich and poor and the huge stress on our planet’s environment! Take 20 minutes to search “affluenza” and learn more at many websites, including www.affluenza.org, which not only states the problem, but tells what we can do about fixing it with sustainable consumption. See www.pbs.org/kcts/affluenza to learn many surprising facts in the “diagnosis and treatment” pages, as well as Q& A’s and a teachers guide. Several sites state (also confirmed it with a researcher at the University of Michigan) that Americans, who make up 5% of the world’s population, use nearly a third of its resources and produce about half of its hazardous waste. Several sites feature online videos and documentaries; it’s great information to share with your children. We need to take the lead and make our children, from the early years on up, aware of this problem. We need to keep them in touch with reality regardless of peer and media pressures. And we need to set a good example. If we do nothing, we are just adding to the over consumption problem and not preparing our kids for the real world. Schools aren’t going to teach children about money management or budgets. They won’t show kids how to keep track of money that comes in, goes out, or is saved. You parents must do it, even if you only have simple, short family meetings about money management once a month. (Start when young children have their first allowance.) And teens with jobs don’t usually handle their money wisely. They’ll learn skills they need from these discussions. Teach them to ask themselves, “Do I need it? Or do I just want it?” Then teach them to figure out if it’s within the budget to get or not. Children can only learn the difference between wants and needs with your help. Consider the alternative. They keep spending more than they have, and come to you for extra money, pushing them deeper into the disease of affluenza. Jan 2012 PARENTING TIPS FOR THE YEAR AHEAD AND BEYOND Q. Please list a few of the most important things for us parents to keep in mind as we raise our children. Maybe we can put a list up on the refrigerator as a reminder. We know there are tons of things we CAN choose to do that might help our children …the talk shows on TV are always discussing them. But if we had to list only a few things that are REALLY important, what would they be? Joyce C. Online A. I’ll do my best to share some tips I believe will help. But first, let me say that new health challenges in my life have made me realize that above all things, giving and accepting love is the most important thing in our lives. It’s about loving and appreciating everyone that touches your life, not just your family and children. Don’t assume you know your child inside and out. Your perception is colored by your own expectations, and your child is continually changing. Be ready to observe and accept all the changing aspects of your child’s developing personality. Give the child clear, simple rules and expectations. Don’t be afraid to say “No” or “No, that is not acceptable.” Remember you are in charge, not the child. Saying “No” will NOT damage self-esteem; it will help your child feel secure within your limits and helps teach self discipline. Teach children to help out and do daily chores as members of the family team living under the same roof. If and when you give an allowance for “extra” jobs, help children learn (sometimes the hard way) about wise spending and saving. Give children experiences that make them learn to make choices. Start with small choices (among several you set up) when they are young, and increase the challenges as they grow. Help them to learn to make choices in their best long-term interest by insisting that they accept the consequences of poor choices. This is how they learn to accept responsibility for their behaviors. Teach them delayed gratification, and the difference between wants and needs. If you let them have whatever they want when they want it, you are not preparing them for the real world, and like it or not, preparing them for real life is your job. Doing the “hard” things means extending yourself to help your kids grow as people; it’s one of the most important ways you show your love. Take time to play and laugh and have spontaneous fun with your kids. It’s good for all of you. Laughter and love build relationships that last a lifetime. (December 2011) HOLIDAYS SHOULD BE FUN, NOT STRESSFUL Q. It’s only early December and I’m already stressed about the holidays. When did they stop being fun? — J.D. And here are some fun shopping tips, excerpted from a 1991 article by Kathy Peel and Judie Byrd in Family Focus magazine: FAMILY MEALS AND MANNERS Q: When my grandkids come over they used to have a habit of just opening the refrigerator and looking for something to eat without asking. I told them we don’t do this at our house. I expect good manners and give praise and works. I don’t respond to “I want …” Instead, I say, “I can give you….when you ask me in the right way. Say ‘May I please have…’ ”. Their behavior changed in just a few days! Holidays are coming soon and we’ll have many meals with friends and relatives. Please urge parents to make a resolution to eat together as a family and have their kids use good manners at meals, both at home and at the homes of others. Concerned Grandma A: I agree with you on the current state of family meals and table manners. Most of our adult children did use good manners at meals when they were growing up. T feel that the reason this was not “passed on” is that today’s families seldom eat a family meal together, except during the holidays. They have forgotten the important fact that eating together and conversing is one of the main ways parents pass on their personal and family values to their children. The family meal was also the main venue for modeling appropriate manners. But today many families don’t have daily conversations together at a meal; instead everyone grazes and gets something to eat on their own. Studies on family meals and their effects on children, however, show us something very important. Children who eat regular meals with their parents, and converse with them about their day, their interests, and their opinions are children who have better self esteem, less problems in school, and who are less likely to engage in substance abuse. Put family meals back into your lives. It’s the best way to keep communication going and help prevent problems. In addition, children do need to learn what is expected by society regarding table manners. When children are teens or adults they’ll need to know how to eat properly with good manners. Knowing how to behave, converse, and eat properly can make a huge difference in getting or keeping a job, and in making or maintaining friendships. Children are not born with good manners or values; we need to model and teach manners and values. Family meals are the best time to do this. Insist that you all eat together as often as possible. Even babies in high chairs are learning about good table manners when they watch and listen to adults who talk, pass foods and say please and thank you. Family meals need to happen regularly, not just during the holidays. This year, let the holidays help you make this a daily family tradition, not just an occasional event. Note to Butterfly’s Mom: Help her understand the difference between acquaintances (like names on her Face Book) and real, true friends. Give examples of what real friends do. (talk honestly and often, never talk about you behind your back, trust each other completely, stay friends even when they disagree, and support each other in bad times.) Oct. 2011 BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION – CONTRACT OR BRIBE? Q. At our children’s school they are trying a “new method” to teach kids good behavior. They are paying kids for good behavior with coins (play money). In our family, we’ve always had had both rules and consequences for breaking them, and our kids have always been well praised for good behavior. We think it’s ridiculous to pay children to be “good” at school. Good behavior is both expected and quite normal to our kids. How can I explain to our kids why I don’t want them to get paid to be good. I’d like more information about this method. Pam; Online A. This sounds like behavior modification; it’s not really new. It’s an old method that was very popular among educators in the 70’s. Here are the main points: The child would only be rewarded for the “good” behavior, (e.g. the behavior desired by adults). In the beginning the child was to be rewarded every time the desired behavior was seen. Later, when the child “learned” the correct behavior, the child would only be rewarded occasionally. Most important, the rewards for the child could be social (hugs, smiles), or they could be material things like gold stars or tokens that could earned and traded in for something meaningful that the child would want. This method was popular and usually worked, but sometimes the adults would become careless and reward the child to STOP misbehaving, instead of rewarding only good behavior. This immediately destroyed the method and the desired result, because the child would simply repeat the misbehavior in order to get rewarded again. Whenever an adult gives a reward to get a child to stop misbehaving, it is bribery and will not work. It will not allow the adult and child to reach the behavioral goal. If, however, the adult makes a contract with the child in which the desired behavior is explained as an expectation and which is rewarded AFTER it is seen, it is behavior modification that makes sense and that usually works. It’s like Grandma always said, “Do the chores first and then you can have the cookie.” (Follow the rules and good things will happen). Here’s an example of a contract: The parent wants her child to understand before entering the store what behavior she expects. She explains to her child that when he is in the store he is not to ask mom to buy things. The parent makes this a contract by saying, “If you behave and don’t ask for things then you and I will do something special after we get done.” The expectations and reward are spelled out first; if the child exercises self-control he will be rewarded. Perhaps you need to learn more about the behavior modification methods being used at your child’s school. If you want your kids to understand why you don’t want them to be paid for being good, they are old enough to understand a simple explanation. You might say, “We’re really proud that you both know how to behave and how to keep the rules at home and school. We’re glad you have already learned how to use your self-control to behave. But some children don’t know how to manage their behavior at all; maybe they’ve had no experience with rules or consequences or rewards. This is why the school is trying something new to help kids that have trouble behaving. We wish you would not get paid, but if you do get paid, you may want to use your coins to do something special for your school that will help everyone, like buying a new library book or cafeteria supplies.” October 2011 TEACHING RESPONSIBILITY FOR ONE’S CHOICES Note To my Readers: When Lera’s daughter was in sixth grade she was not doing her schoolwork and was all about having fun with her friends. Lera told her that, although friends are important, your top job now is to do well in sixth grade in order to prepare for the end of the year national exam. In St. Lucia, one of the British Virgin Islands, children take a countrywide exam at the end of sixth grade. If they do well they are placed in the “best” public schools which are more geared toward college preparation. If the do badly, they go to “lesser” public schools more geared to service and trades employment preparation. Her daughter said “Don’t worry mom, the test will be easy, and I can do it without studying.” In spite of Lera’s reminders, the child kept ignoring the schoolwork. When the exam was completed, she had done very poorly and wasn’t going to be able to attend a good public school. She cried all night when she learned this and then begged her mom to send her to a private school so she could catch up. But Lera said no. “First I cannot afford that, but more importantly, I want you learn something very valuable. You will take sixth grade over again and this time your studies will come first and activities with friends happen only when you have extra time. I know you can do well on the exam next year.” So another year of sixth grade began and the girl learned the self discipline of keeping her studies a top priority. When she got her exam results at the end of the year, she called her mom and could hardly talk, she was so excited. She placed second highest in the entire St. Lucia school system. She was on her way to a great school and had learned to make choices in her own best long term interest. Lera feels more confident now about her oldest daughter’s teenage years because she knows that the child learned her lesson well. She feels confident that if her daughter has all the correct information she will be able to make wise choices. And she often tells her, “I trust you to make wise choices in your best interest, because I know you CAN do it.” May 2011 WHAT MISTAKES SHOULD WE TRY TO PREVENT? Q. I’m a new parent. I’ve been reading lots of parenting magazines but there’s so much to learn I feel overwhelmed. Could you just tell me what are the most common mistakes parents make? And then maybe I could prevent some of them as my little one grows. M. M. Online A. First, remember that we all make mistakes, no matter how much we study or learn or strive to be great parents. And it’s ok to make mistakes; we are only human and we usually learn from these mistakes. We all just do the best we can with what we know at the time, whenever our children challenge us. Then we usually try something new and keep on learning as the children grow. Here is a short list of the “mistakes” I think are the most common in parenting. Assuming that you know all there is to know about your child. This can lead to assumptions that can convey negative messages or create missed opportunities. For example, you might say, “She is really, really shy and sensitive. I need to pave the way for her and help her with anything new because she’s an introvert.” Soon you’ll believe what you are saying to be absolutely true when it may not be the case at all. Some children who appear to be “shy” are strong willed individuals who simply want to look things over before jumping in. Saying “she is shy” and expecting her to be an introvert can create anxiety about self image and mixed feelings about how to relate to others. Over loading and over scheduling children. In our culture it seems that we need to be “busy” or appear to be busy all the time. Parents sometimes think children need to be busy with constant scheduled activities, but children need to be children, not adults. They need balance and down time. Moreover, when parents send children off to spend time with other adults all week, children are likely to learn most of their values from these people, not from their parents. Forgetting that we need to use meaningful and descriptive praise with children and that praise usually works better than punishment in changing children’s behaviors. Descriptive, calm, and meaningful criticism can also be an important tool. Forgetting to spend more time listening to our children’s ideas, dreams and feelings, instead of so much time talking “at” them. Studies have shown that in the course of a day, most parents’ conversations with children focus only on what the parent wants the child to do or not do. Forgetting that laughter and enjoyment is vitally important. It’s the best way to bond with your child or bond in any relationship. What happens in a relationship with no laughter or humor? It withers and dies. It does not grow and blossom. |
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BULLYING Q. I was really shocked at the two Fact Finder Reports on Bullying that were on one of our local television stations last week. They asked if we thought bullying is actually on the rise or if people are just more aware of it. What do you think? Is there anything we do to help, even if our own kids are all grown up. Grandma K. Online A. I that bullying is escalating because of increased stress. When kids are stressed they act out and may bully. When parents are stressed, they get so busy with their own problems they don’t pay any attention to what their kids are feeling or doing. This is a child safety and well being issue we cannot ignore. The more we know the more ways we will find to help stop bullying. I saw the Fact Finder Reports and also read the online posts of parents sharing their own stories. I was surprised at the number of parents who transferred their children (of many different ages) to other schools because they were getting no effective assistance in protecting their kids. To be more aware of this issue and ways to address it, go to upnorthlive.com and read the stories. We also need to teach our children that bullying is not just the bully’s problem. Yes, bullys need to see that their actions can have tragic consequences. But it’s also just as vital that the rest of us…both kids and adults… speak up against harassment and bullying wherever or whenever we see it. We need to make sure that kids of all ages in our own circles of family and friends realize that if we “ignore” bullying or pretend we don’t see it, we are actually giving that bully permission to continue harassment. If you don’t say No, you are really saying Yes. If just one or two children step up to the bat and say “Stop that.” more will join them. Ostracizing the bullys instead of playing up to them will work. It is also important for our school districts to follow the mandate of the MI Board of Education and have a comprehensive, written policy on bullying that contains effective strategies. I strongly suggest that readers go to the state department of education website at michigan.gov/mde Scroll down the left margin to click Board of Education. Then click on Policies and you will be able to read the “Polices on Bullying” (2001) and the “Model Anti Bullying Policy” (2006) that gives each district a working tool to write an effective and comprehensive bullying policy of their own. Most state Departments of Education have similar documents and statements. You can also go to the Michigan Model for Health Curriculum and see how bullying is supposed to be specifically addressed by teachers in grades 3 through 6. Parents and grandparents can ask teachers when and how these lessons are taught, and middle school families can ask the sixth grade teachers and physical education teachers the same questions. RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS ARE THE BEST VALENTINES Q. They gave me Valentines and candy but it didn’t feel like it did when they were little. The younger ones often forget to say think you or forget when I ask them to do something. The older one objects to rules about curfews, saying if you love me why don’t you trust me? What‘s happened here? D.T. Online 2/19/11 A. You need to tell your oldest that love is a given; it’s free. You love her unconditionally…she’s your daughter. Trust, on the other hand, is earned. Ask her why she trusts her friends. Friends talk to each other and decide things together. They don’t take advantage of each other. They keep their promises. Her friends earn her trust by the way they act. This is exactly the way trust grows or is earned between mothers and daughters. Do you talk honestly and often? Do you keep all your promises? Can you depend on each other? When you and your teen reflect on this and work on being able to say yes to these questions, things will be better for both of you. Lots of things change when kids start to grow up. Yes, they forget to say please and thank you. But they aren’t the only ones. We forget to use those magic words too. If we want our children to use these words and mean them, we need to use them ourselves. Kids need to feel appreciated too. We’re great at asking them to do things, but they also need to hear us say please or thank you and hear why we appreciated what they did. (Can you remember the last time you said thank you and said why it mattered?) I think all of us need to put some random acts of kindness into our own lives, right at home with family, and not just on Valentines Day or birthdays. If we model this, it could be contagious. How about surprising your child with an unexpected note on the bathroom mirror saying I Love You, or a snack sandwich cut into a heart shape. What about putting a funny poem in a coat pocket or a note inside the homework. What about a paper smiley face on the bed pillow with a piece of chocolate on it. What about going bowling together just for fun, even if you are a terrible bowler. Other important tips. · Use descriptive praise. Tell your child exactly what he/she did that you liked. Avoid generalizations. Say what you really mean. Tell them what you think makes them special and unique. · Let your child overhear you praise him or her to other people. · Praise your kids for being self reliant, helpful, or cooperative, for having a sense of humor and for showing good manners. Praise them for any efforts they make. SHARING MORE THAN FOOD Q. Our family did something new for Thanksgiving; we helped serve food at a community meal. It was such a good experience for our children that I wanted to share my feelings about it with others. I usually clean house and serve a huge meal that is really way too much food. But this year we came home from that community event feeling thankful for what we have, even though it’s less than usual. In the evening we played family games. I had forgotten that spending time together as a family and doing something simple is what counts! L.C. Online A. Thanks for sharing! Yes, how easily we forget what really matters. This past week I have been hosting an Interlochen student who could not go home to Uzbeckistan for the holiday. She was thrilled to just be able to be in a regular home to help decorate the house, make cookies and make Christmas presents for her teachers. One night our daughter and her boyfriend came over while we were decorating our tree. I was amazed at their patience, ingenuity and concentration as they used fishing line and physics to figure out how to hang three antique bird ornaments from my dining area lamp. (It was our Interlochen student’s idea.) As we took out other ornaments and decorations, the young people were reminiscing about when they were little, and how they made “cookie dough” tree ornaments and other ornaments we still put on the tree. During the evening we found a worn little box of tarnished brass angel chimes that were part of our family tradition years ago. Imagine three of today’s smart, sophisticated “e world” young people sitting together at a table, figuring out how to put the chimes together and find candles to light and make the angels spin to ring the chimes. I had forgotten how important that tiny ornament used to be to my children. And of course it wasn’t really the ornament that was important; what was important was the memory of past experiences that it represented. It meant time spent together doing something simple, it meant the joy of anticipation as we made gifts for others, it meant music and laughter and the smell of cookies in the oven while we trimmed the tree. Your letter above reminds me that we need to cherish the old family traditions but continue to create new ones. On Thanksgiving Day we were invited to go bowling at noon before the late afternoon dinner. Bowling! What an unusual idea. Why not? Our Interlochen student, a talented violinist, had never gone bowling. We watched her progress from going up to the line and dropping the ball on the floor to striding forward more confidently and then making her first “strike”. I will never forget the joy on her face as she screamed and laughed and jumped up and down. It was special. And in the end folks, all that matters are those special moments we share. 11/30/10 FINLAND'S SECRET TO SUCCESS A few weeks ago Finland was being lauded in our national news for having one of the best educational systems in the world. This isn’t new; they’ve had an excellent system since the 60’s. In 1972 and 1974 my husband and I hosted two Rotary exchange students from Finland. We were impressed with these two sisters and their excellent academic skills. We were astounded when they told us that in Finland, children attend government supported preschool programs from ages 3 to 5, after which 99% go to public school kindergarten at age 6, but children to not have formal reading instruction until age 7. Finland was making sure its youngest students got an excellent foundation. This is still true today. Kindergarten curriculum emphasizes child development, “learning to learn” skills and positive self-image. Teachers have academic backgrounds in early education, and in a classroom of 13-20 there are two teachers. The curriculum includes language/literacy and interactions, math, ethics, philosophy, health, physical development, culture, art, natural studies, and the environment. Although the children have many experiences with literature, stories and books in these early years, they don’t start formal reading until age seven! Finland’s education leaders have found that by age seven ALL children are ready and eager to have formal reading instruction. None have to be pushed or pulled, they are raring to go. Yes, of course many children may have already taught themselves to read by age seven, but this is seen as an advantage in the classroom, not a problem. What is most interesting about this is that Finland has 100 % literacy rate. So do Norway Sweden, Denmark, Estonia, and Iceland. These are six of the 12 countries in the world that have a 100 % literacy rate. And guess what! In all six of these countries, they do not start formal reading until age seven. All these countries have very similar early education systems and nearly identical kindergarten curricula. The United States has a 97% literacy rate, and there are 54 countries that have higher literacy rates than we do. (Online, search PISA world literacy comparison data) Finland and its neighbors have proven that if they fund early education and prioritize child development and readiness in their curriculum planning they will grow children eager to learn and achieve. They have fewer dropouts than we do and fewer reading problems in the elementary years. They understand and act on the 75 years of child development research that tells us the years from 3 to 8 are priority years in education. We can’t replicate the educational system of Finland, but we should try to follow their example of supporting early education and making kindergarten more developmentally appropriate. We cannot “catch up” to Finland’s fine example of 100% literacy by pushing and pulling every single five year- old to read if some aren’t ready. Yes, some children will enjoy the “pushing” and learn to read and write well before grade one, but some others are likely to develop a dislike for school and have reading problems later on. Think about this: When you buy peaches, you have to wait for some to get ripe; you can’t MAKE them ripen. I asked a local fruit grower recently if there was a way to make a peach get ripe before it is ready. He said that you could change the environment a little by cutting out some tree branches to let in more sun, and you might then be able to force the peach to be ripe a few days earlier. But, he said, the peach that is forced that way won’t ever be quite as good as the peach that you let ripen on its own. It will have lower sugar content and may not have good texture; it loses some of its “peachness”. I think we could learn some things from Finland and from nature. 10/19/10 RISK AND FAILURE CAN TEACH VALUABLE LESSONS Q. My 15 year old daughter has been working day and night practicing for an audition for a leading role in a play at school. She’s done historical research and has even memorized the lines. There is, however, a senior girl in the drama club that I feel sure will get that lead role. Our child is new to the club and is only a sophomore. I’m worried that she will be devastated if she doesn’t get the part. I think she should quit the drama club and not go through this trauma. E.K Online A. I know you love and empathize with your daughter and hate to see her hurt, but you need to look at this with a broader perspective. You want to protect and help your child, but helpful love is not always about protection or security. Helpful love can also mean encouragement to risk and discover that we can survive failures. Love means helping our children prepare for coping with life in the long run, not just the present. If our children are to learn how to cope and survive successfully in this stressful and risky world, we must allow them to learn how to deal with stress and risk in age appropriate ways. One learns by coping with tough situations, not avoiding them. We can’t protect them from all risks and disappointments; instead we must teach them the survival skills to surmount them. One way to look at this is with an analogy about skiing. What’s the first thing the instructor always teaches you when you are learning to ski? It’s how to get up when you fall down. They tell you how to do it, but you must learn by actually falling down and getting up yourself. Falling is inevitable, so we need to be sure that we can handle it. You learn how to pick yourself up from things that happen to you in life in the same way. Young people should be encouraged to take risks like trying out for the team or for a part in a play. Risking the disappointment of failure is hard, but this is the way they will learn that they CAN survive a disappointment and go on. Similarly, sometimes they need to learn on their own (without anyone saying I told you so) that they can live through a period of sadness and go on when a peer relationship changes or ends. It is also important to allow them the full measure of their pain and disappointment. When we say, “Well, you tried hard” or “Well, I think you should have gotten the part” it only discounts their feelings. Instead, parents need to acknowledge their children’s pain. Show you understand their feelings by sharing some memories you have about your own bitter disappointments in school. Don’t overprotect your children of any age from taking risks when the risk is appropriate for their age, experience and growth. Help them discover their own capabilities by encouraging the exploration of sensible risks and reinforcing and praising the strengths that can develop from overcoming disappointment. 11/16/10 CAN OPTIMISM BE TAUGHT? Q. Can you teach your child to be an optimist? If so how would you go about it? K.P. Online A. The best way to help your child learn to be optimistic is to model optimism yourself. Your modeling is powerful! Children, especially young children from birth to age eight, always learn more from what you do than what you say. Children can "catch" your optimism, just as they can "catch" pessimism. Do you believe you can cope with problems successfully? Do you find challenges interesting? Do you try new things easily? Do you keep your focus on the silver linings instead of the clouds? If you risk and fail at something new, do you see it as a learning experience? Do you wake up and start the day with complaints about the weather, or do you simply modify your plans to fit the weather challenges? Think about what you say and do that can make your children more positive and optimistic. Here are some other ideas that can help: · Playing games also helps children learn other important life skills such as patience, perseverance and resilience. Optimists hang in there; they don't give up; they bounce back from adversities. Playing family games helps teach that. · You can use real experiences, books and videos to show children that staying positive and being an optimist often helps people become successful in spite of obstacles. The library and bookstores can help you find books like this for every age child. · You can look at the web site www.amazing-kids.org to find fabulous stories about how optimism helped kids to keep trying so that they could accomplish special things. · You can encourage children to take safe and thoughtful risks, such as making a new friend, trying a new recipe, and asking questions or giving opinions in a classroom or group. Optimists aren't afraid to risk trying because they have "I Can" attitudes and also because they accept failures as learning experiences, not self defeating experiences. · You can show kids that there are many ways to solve problems, and many different answers to a question. Teach them how to turn disadvantages into advantages and lemons into lemonade. CHALLENGES FOR TODAY'S PARENTS Q. Do you think parents today take the job of parenting seriously like we used to? Is it harder to parent in today’s world? G.N. Online A: The basics of good parenting are the same as they have always been...finding time to enjoy each other, being able to listen and talk, sharing your values, and providing firm, fair and consistent guidance. What’s hard is doing these basic things every single day, year after year. Was it easier to do these things in the past when pace was slower and one parent was usually at home? Or is this more a matter of awareness and priorities? I think that in today’s world, many parents don’t realize that the little things they do and say impact their children. They may not notice that their children have problems or need guidance. I think the reason for this is that most parents are both working, and when they get home they just do the basic things that need to be done, and before they know it, it’s almost bedtime. In these situations some parents tend to let things slide, including their roles as parents. Sometimes parents have missed the kids and want to play with them. They let the children stay up late, usually until they are overtired, and then they can’t fall asleep easily. But not making a set bedtime or creating a bedtime ritual means the parents have less time for each other. It also endangers children’s health. Children need at least 8-10 hours of sleep each night, so a child’s bedtime should consistently happen between 8 and 9pm. Other parents let their children do anything they like in the evenings, (including grazing instead of eating a family meal together) partly because they are so tired or just because they are unaware that kids need consistent routines, rules and limits. Many of them talk to their children as if they were peers instead of children who need direction, reassurance and praise for doing the right things. Some parents seem unaware that their children have no manners. Neither do they take time to model things like using each other’s names when conversing, or saying please and thank you. Still others, especially if grazing is done instead of sitting at the table together to eat, have allowed children to have atrocious table manners. Manners and appropriate behaviors are not things that children are born with; they must be taught and modeled. It doesn’t take much time; it takes an awareness that this is important to DO. In addition, many of today’s parents don’t seem to know that they are in charge of their children and must extend themselves for their growth. This kind of “extending” does not mean letting children do whatever they want or have anything they want when they want it. Doing this will simply raise a spoiled and irresponsible person who has no sense of responsibility or work ethic. Extending yourself for another’s long term best interest and growth means saying “No” firmly whenever necessary. It means letting children know what you approve or disapprove of and giving them your expectations and rules. This doesn’t take much time either; but it’s important to DO. Rules and limits help children feel secure and safe. Saying “No” will NOT damage their self esteem; it will teach them what they need to know. 1/19/10 Todays’ parents either have to work hard (sometimes at multiple jobs) to make ends meet, or work hard because they want (and think they need) many more things than parents did in twenty years ago. In most families both parents work. Parents also want to have a life beyond work, and want time to do things they enjoy. It’s tough! But if you have young children, and you want them to grow up without major problems, you must be aware that your role as a parent is important. Being an effective parent means more than giving kids things, or setting up activities for them to do with OTHER people. It means spending a tiny little bit of time with them each day, listening, talking, sharing what you believe, finding out what they believe, and having fun together when you can. It means taking the time to say ``no`` and explaining why. These things are in their best interest… and yours. 1/19/10 FAMILY GAMES – THEY TEACH THINGS KIDS NEED TO KNOW Q. Our kids have been asking us to start playing board games together. We used to do this all the time as kids and it was really fun and didn’t cost money. We would all get together and play, eat and laugh. But our four kids are ages 5 to 12. Will their different ages matter? And will they learn as much from playing games with us as they would from playing video games? H. and B. Online A. They will learn way more important things from playing real time games with you than they will from video games. It’s something like the difference between cuddling a toddler on your lap and telling them the story of the Three Bears in your own special style before bed, instead of putting them to bed with a CD recording of the story. They learn about who you really are as a person and they learn you can have fun with them and that you love them. A CD cannot give them that. No matter how many brainwashing ads companies do about skills learned from video games, research proves that children learn more from hands on experience with people to people games and activities than from computer or video games. Taking time to play family games is a very economical pastime and it will also create or restore a family tradition. You’ll all have fun and it will help your kids learn life skills as well as educational skills. Most games do focus on particular educational skills like math, spelling, vocabulary, logical thought, memory, record keeping, money management, and even spatial relationships and balance. But when children play games they are also learning many other things that parents want them to know. Family games teach children patience and perseverance as they learn to wait their turns, wait for a particular card, or come back from a loss. They learn to finish the game, sticking it out to the end, whether they win or lose. And they learn to win or lose graciously. They learn to cooperate, be honest, play fair, evaluate situations, use critical thinking and strategy. They also learn to make choices for which they must accept the consequences. Accepting the consequences of your choices…being responsible for them…is a vitally Your children’s age range won’t be a problem. You can always modify a game to suit your family. Set a time limit instead of points to end a game, or use only larger denominations of play money. Let a younger child have a mentor/partner to help as needed with reading, counting and record keeping, and rotate the partner among family members when you start a new game. Playing games together gives children “roots” and a feeling of “connectedness” with the family; it helps them get to know each other as people. It nurtures communication and family bonds that will last a lifetime. Try it, you’ll all love it. 7/29/09 A NEW YEAR'S NOTE TO READERS: Today I want to share something special with you that a mother discovered and shared with me many years ago when I was teaching at the Traverse City Co operative Preschool. It’s an anonymous poem that helps to remind us of something really important that we can give children of all ages all year long. I’m hoping that this might even inspire a few New Year resolutions. What Shall We Give the Children Bird songs, butterflies, clouds and rainbows. A large hand reaching down for a small one. The joy of meaningful work. I’ve been using this anonymous poem occasionally throughout the 27 years I have been writing parenting columns, thanks to Muriel P. in Traverse City who is now a grandma like me. When you read this poem, it helps you to remember that Time is a simple four-letter word but, to children, time means Love. With teens it might mean being ready to listen without judging and to listen anywhere and any time. With younger children it might mean taking time to try to answer questions or discover answers together. With little ones it might mean taking time to play together. With others we love, it might mean taking time to laugh and talk together, or sit together to watch a lovely sunset. We often forget that the most important gift we give anyone is a little of ourselves. Let’s just not forget to do it. 12/29/09 TEACHING RESPONSIBILITY Q. You talked recently about not giving kids privileges without responsibility. But when do you start teaching responsibility? It seems like a huge task so how and when we do that? J. M. Online A. You are thinking of big adult responsibilities like bills and house payments. But we didn’t have all that dumped on us at once. We learned responsibility in many small ways, one step at a time, as we were growing up. If you think about responsibilities as things, it seems impossible to teach, but responsibility is not about things. It’s about behavior and taking responsibility for behavior. Think of it that way and you’ll see how to teach it to your children every day as they grow from toddlers to teens. If you give children the privilege of using sand in a sandbox, they need to know that they can play with sand but not throw it. If they do, they can’t play in the sand, period. If you give them play dough to enjoy, it has to be used only on a tray at the table. If they can’t do that, they can’t have the play dough. If they don’t help pick up their toys, or if they use the toys in an unsafe or destructive manner, you take away the toys for a week or more and then try it again. If they haven’t learned the lesson, repeat the consequence. If they won’t try their veggies at dinner, they don’t get dessert. These are the ways children learn that privileges come with rules and responsibilities. If you do these simple things when children are young, you’ve built a good foundation. They learned that if they do not accept responsibility for their behavior there are consequences. But when they are school aged, you still need to be vigilant and keep teaching! They’re still kids, not adults. YOU are still in charge and they have a lot more to learn. If they don’t put their dirty clothes in the hamper, those clothes will not get washed. If they have to wash something by hand because they wanted to wear it, so be it. If they are late for the bus every day, or forget to take their homework to school, you must not keep bailing them out. If they spend all their allowance on something that was a bad choice, do NOT give them an advance. They need to learn to save up for things they want, instead of expecting you to cave in and pay for it. If you teach them the difference between wants and needs, instead of teaching instant gratification by buying what they want when they want it, you are taking giant steps to prevent them from abusing the privilege of a credit or debit card. If you have not taken time to teach them about consequences and taking responsibility for their behavior when they were young, they (and even you) may suffer because the consequences become greater…non sufficient funds, overage fines, and even bankruptcy. June 2009 TEACHING THE PICKUP AND HELP OUT HABIT Q. My son goes from one thing to another without cleaning up after himself. I frequently have to remind him to clean up something, throw something away, put something away, turn something off, or close something. I'm tired of nagging. How can I help him change and reduce my frustration? K.N. Online A. I don't know how old your son is, or how long he’s had these habits. But one thing's for sure, you must put a stop to this now, in his own best interests as well as yours. If he’s a preschooler, a good preschool with appropriate freedom within limits and a focus on responsible behavior, like a Head Start program, would help him (and you) tremendously. If he is in school already, it’s possible that he may have a problem with focus and attention. When you are sure there are no physical problems or special needs like hearing or vision, work with him on changing these bad habits. If he’s a teen address this NOW and quickly. He needs to be motivated to make changes, just like the rest of us. We are only willing to make changes in our behavior when we see that something good comes from our effort. So what is important to your son? What does he love to do? The things he likes could be rewards for his effort to try to change some of these habits. Praise him and reward him with your attention or little things he loves for ANY improvement. Don't try to fix everything at once! Start small and work on one or two things at a time. If he’s seven or eight and can understand what a contract is, you could try one. Here is an example. If he remembers to put away each thing he uses between the hours of 4 pm and 8 pm he can get a gold star on the calendar. When he earns 3 stars he can have a reward. Also make your rules or expectations VERY clear to him. Sit down and talk about it and make a list to put up on the refrigerator. If he is preschooler age he should have a short list with only three goals or tasks. When he becomes successful at these tasks you might want to add a few more. Older children could have a list of five or six goals or tasks. Use the same method. Put up small signs or posters as reminders in places where he needs reminders. In the bathroom, make a picture poster with a few words that tell him to wash his hands or hang up the towel, or put dirty clothes in the hamper. In the bedroom or playroom he needs need bins or boxes for his toys and these should be labeled with pictures and words for what goes inside. Put another sign up by the place he needs to hang up his coat. Praise him for using these visual cues to do better and to change his behavior. Try to find the book by Elizabeth Crary (Parenting Press, Inc, Seattle WA about $12) called "Pick Up Your Socks...and Other Skills Growing Children Need!" If it’s still be in print It’s an EXCELLENT guide for this problem. Check with your library, the publisher, and amazon.com 11//10/09 FAMILY MEALS AND MANNERS Q: We recently had 8 and 10 year old children, along with their parents, as guests in our home. The kids ate like animals! They would pick up food with their hands and stuff it in their mouths; the parents said nothing. I also dislike seeing our grandchildren eat at their house in front of the TV on the floor; they seldom join the adults at the table. If they do eat with us, they’re allowed to bring a book and read as they eat!! I try to coach them on table manners, but feel I’m losing the battle. Concerned Grandma Online A: I agree with you on the current state of family meals and table manners. What amazes me most is that most of our adult children did use good manners at the table when they were growing up...why didn't they pass it on? The main reason is that many of today’s families seldom eat a family meal together, except during the holidays. Eating together and conversing is on of the main ways that people have always passed on their values. And at the same time, the family meal was the venue for parents to model appropriate manners. Today many parents are not having conversations with their children and each other at a meal; instead everyone “grazes” and gets something to eat on his/her own. A study on family meals and effects on children’s behavior was done in Minnesota a decade ago. It showed that children who eat regular meals with their parents, and converse with them about their day, their interests, current events and their opinions and beliefs are children who have better self esteem, less problems in school, and are less likely to escape their feelings of “unconnectedness” with drugs. It’s in the children’s own best long-term interest for us older adults to take a stand when we can. We need to urge young parents to start family meal routines as early as possible and explain the reasons why. Even if jobs or school events interfere with dinner plans we must work around these challenges as best we can. We need to make whatever time we have together really count. Children do need to learn what is expected in society regarding table manners. Talk with your children and tell them that you are going to have more family meals and tell them why. Explain that when children are adults or teens they will need to know how to eat properly with good manners. Knowing how to behave, converse, and eat properly can make a huge difference in getting or keeping a job, and in making or maintaining friendships. Children are not born with good manners or our values; we need to model and teach these things. When grandchildren are eating with you, with or without their parents, say, "When you are at our house I expect you to eat politely and with good manners. I know you can do this. As we eat together we’ll show you how we do it. We’ll talk to each other while we eat. No books are allowed. Instead we’ll talk about what’s going on in each others’ lives and in the world, and our plans for tomorrow." …… Insist that you all eat together at the table. Even babies in high chairs are learning about good table manners when they watch and listen to adults who talk at the table, pass foods and say please and thank you. Mealtime is actually baby's first social event and is very important in the child’s development. Babies and children learn from our modeling; let’s do it right! 9/21/09 WHEN SCHOOL STARTS - PLAN AHEAD Q. In our district, the kids go back to school in August, which is coming right up. My niece has to move this month to a new job and new state, and her kids will be in an entirely new school. Can you review some back to school pointers for us, especially those with children starting school for the first time. J.J. Online in TN A. Even though the days are still long, parents and children do have to start preparing for school days now. One thing that’s always hard, precisely because the days are still long, is to move the children’s bedtimes to an earlier hour. Remember that children have to get up early on school days (so do you) and they also need 8-10 hours of sleep at night. Leisurely evenings have to be shortened a little at a time, but it doesn’t have to be painful to work out your schedule so the family gets to bed earlier. Start doing this now in 15 to 30 minute increments. If bedtime was 10pm this summer, make it 9:45 for two days, and then make it 9:30 for two days,, and then 9pm for two days until you get the children on “school time.” Other tips: If your child will be riding the school bus for the first time, call the bus garage and see when you can bring your child to see the school bus and practice getting off and on it. The big bus is sometimes intimidating, and this kind of “field trip” will help children who may be anxious. If possible, visit school before it starts, and meet your child’s teacher (s) and see the classroom. This will reassure your child and make him/her more comfortable. Also check out the lockers, bathrooms and other spaces your child will be using, like the cafeteria and playground. It will reduce the “newness” of the situation. When school starts, lay out things your child will need the night before to eliminate rushing. Send him/her off with a good breakfast and a hug and a smile. Try not to waste the days you have left. Keep “shopping” to a minimum, and do simple, fun things together. 7/30/07 NOTE TO READERS: In past columns we have dealt with such issues as raising today’s media saturated children to be critical thinkers who have confidence in themselves as individuals, instead of children who follow fads and trends or seek constant instant gratification. We’ve discussed social trends in parenting which over schedule children, making them into “projects”. I recommend an excellent new book on these issues: “Nurture the Nature: Understanding and Supporting Your Child’s Unique Core Personality,” by family therapist Michael Gurian. (Jossey-Bass/Wiley Imprint, 24.95) ARE PARENTS GROWING CHILDREN AS PROJECTS OR PEOPLE? Q. I have our three year old in a play group that meets twice a week. I like the socialization with the other moms, but feel great pressures when I hear them talk about their plans to get their children into pre dance, pre gymnastics, sports and so on. I don’t understand why! But I wonder if I’m doing my child a disservice by not jumping on this bandwagon. Is she going to lose an edge or be less successful if I just send her to regular preschool next year and enjoy my time with her instead? Anxious Mom Online A. You know your child best, and you should trust your own instincts. Until she shows a real interest or talent in such activities, ignore these pressures. Find a good part time preschool next year, but enjoy every moment of your own time together. You’re lucky to have the time, because it’s in these early years that you can best develop the family communication and bonds your child will need most during the school years, as well as the values you hold and life skills you want to teach. These are the years to develop strong self esteem that comes of feeling both loveable and capable and the social skills of understanding how to share and communicate with peers and adults. These are the years she needs to learn how her behavior affects others, which is more valuable than rote manners. These are the years to encourage self help and self discipline that’s the foundation for making wise choices, and the years she must learn that she has to accept the responsibility and consequences of poor choices or behavior. In the long-term scheme of life, school and the real world, these things are far more important than just being “smart” or competitive. What good is being clever and competitive unless you learn these other things too? Many parents make the mistake of buying in to the concept that their children will learn what they need for success in life by being involved in as many scheduled activities as possible. They don’t realize that they may be letting other adults influence their child’s values and life skills, and abdicating their roles in nurturing other aspects of their children’s development. They don’t realize that some children develop hidden anxieties and resentments to “pushing” and over scheduling that surfaces in later years as rebellion, disrespect and rudeness. Parents’ choices must be made in children’s best long term interest, and based on the individual needs of the child, not because “everyone is doing it.” The pressures on parents to “over cultivate” young children makes them think of children as “projects” not people. See more in next week’s column about the role that marketing/consumerism plays in this issue, and find out what the American Academy of Pediatricians says about it in its latest release of research. 10/23/06 ARE PARENTS OVER CULTIVATING THEIR KIDS? Q. Last week’s “Anxious Mom” wrote to say she was worried that her preschooler might be less successful if she stayed home and did things with her instead of being in “enrichment” activities all week. She wondered why other moms seemed so frantic about their children’s academic preparation. Why are so many parents feeling this pressure? What are they giving up when they focus only on their children’s academic and competitive skills? What do the experts say? A. Today’s parents are overwhelmed with an overload of information. Books, web sites, magazines, the advice of peers, and the deluge of marketing pitches pressures them to be parents who load children’s schedules with activities designed to increase competitive and academic skills, and often drive their children to excel in all areas. This is not only an unrealistic expectation, it leaves little time for listening and talking that helps parents understand their kids and help them grow into well-rounded people. An example of media pressure is the current ad that says “Stop making your bed and go play your V-Smile learning videos.” Or “Stop doing the dishes and go play your V Smile learning video.” The message says that doing your chores and being a family team member is not important, and that learning colors, numbers, and letters is more crucial. Actually, the only thing important to the advertiser is that parents feel they MUST buy the videos. But videos cannot replace parental guidance and parental modeling. Videos cannot replace the communication and face to face enjoyment of each other during family games. Videos cannot replace the child’s need to sit in your lap and hear you tell or read a story, which is the best way to nurture the love of reading. In their efforts to teach preschool children their letters and numbers, (which, by the way, is not what kindergarten teachers really want) parents often forget the valuable things children learn during down time or play. This is when children learn that parents love them for who they are, not what they can do, and when children learn they have someone who listens and will be there for them. Studies by the American Academy of Pediatricians have also shown that play helps children release stress, become more creative, discover their own talents and interests, develop problem solving skills, learn how to relate to and enjoy other people, and adjust more easily to new situations. These are life skills kids need. The October news report of the American Academy of Pediatricians says that what children need for healthy development is more good old fashioned playtime. Overuse of “passive” entertainment like computer games and television should be avoided, and true, open-ended toys like blocks should be emphasized. The report concludes that “enrichment tools and organized activities can be beneficial, but should never be viewed as a requirement for creating successful children. Above all, they must be BALANCED with plenty of free play time.” 10/30/06 FUN AND GAMES Q. The kids are home for the holidays and that means not only our kids but their kids. We need something to do (besides cooking and eating) that is fun for everyone. I know you support family games, but please give some details. Grandmom Online A. Family games are a tradition that has been passed on for generations at our house, and we never tire of them. We have fun, we tease, we joke and laugh and no matter what the ages are at the table, we enjoy the contests. Teenagers have told me over the years that playing games together as a family made them really feel “connected” and close to each other. Others said that playing games made family communication better, and made them feel like “equals”, making it was easier to bring up other important issues to discuss with the family. There is nothing that takes the place of the face to face conversation and enjoyment that games provide. In addition to the educational skills children practice, many family values are passed on and reinforced. For example, children learn about honesty by playing fair and by the rules. They learn to accept both losing and winning with grace (though for some, this may take time). They learn to be part of a team and how to take turns with patience. They learn to stick it out and finish the task, even if they are losing, which teaches persistence and resilience. They even learn that you must make choices, and accept the consequences of the choices you make; that’s a terrific life lesson. They learn many things and no one even has to work at it…it just happens naturally. Some games teach specific learning skills. Jenga teaches concepts of space, weight and balance, as well as small muscle/eye hand skills, and can be played by any age and any number of persons. Games like Pay Day, Life and Monopoly incorporate strategy and teach about money and life choices. Clue teaches logical thought, memory and record keeping. Scrabble type games teach vocabulary and spelling and Yahtzee helps with counting and record keeping. There are many new games to explore as well as these oldies but goodies. Check the recommended ages for games. You can, however, always modify any game to suit your family and the age groups. Make monopoly easier by setting a time limit, rounding off prices of real estate, and using only large denominations of play money. A young child can play harder games by sitting on the lap of an older sibling or relative who will be a partner and mentor and who will help with counting and reading. I find that today’s world is very complex and often confusing and frustrating. Playing games together as often as you can for as many years as you can is one of the best ways to connect as a family and beat the stress, so go for it and make it a tradition. 12/25/06 WORKING MOM GUILT Q. What is your comment on working mom guilt? If I had a choice, I’d be a stay at home mom, but I can’t. My husband has a more flexible job so he spends much more time with our pre kindergarten child and the older ones, but I am gone from 7:30 -5:30. We have a first grader and a 5th grader too. I suppose quality time is good and if it’s all you can do, but it cannot replace quantity. I feel like the daycare is raising my youngest. I want to be there for all the little details, not just on weekends. I live in a neighborhood where many professionals live, and the wives stay home because they can afford to. They get to do all sorts of neat things with their kids that I can’t. I felt like I gave our youngest a good foundation with the 18 months leave I took instead of a promotion, but now I’m back at work and feeling bad again. What do you think? Thanks, Working Mom Online A. I know you are very frustrated, and, as a mom who worked when my three kids were young, I understand. This societal issue is not possible to answer in terms of good and bad, because it is very individual in terms of each family and how its handled. If you really, really enjoy your work and if it's fulfilling to you and it’s part of what you see as your purpose, you need to keep working. Research proves that when mom's feel that their work is part of their personhood, they feel happy about their work and feel better as people. These individuals can usually balance the parenting part of their lives successfully and feel little or no guilt. The time they do spend with the kids is high in quality, which helps make up for the lack of quantity. As you know, when you are happy as a person you pass on those confident and happy, positive feelings to your children. So the moms who love their outside work make sure they plan ahead and put many "neat things" into their time at home with the kids. Is your job is fun and fulfilling for you? Or are you just doing it because you feel you must do it for the money? If so, it isn't helping your self esteem as a person, and it is escalating your guilty feelings. Your negative feelings will be hard to hide from your children. You should consider quitting and/or changing to a type of work you can do out of your own home. Whatever you do, don't make a decision based on what your neighbors do, or what you think they do. Some actually do very little with their children and others do a lot. Some stay at home moms would feel better about themselves if they did work; others are happy to be at home without working. But this is about you as an individual, not about anyone else. Weigh your advantages and disadvantages and explore all your options. Good luck. 7/24/06 SHARE FAMILY CRISES WITH KIDS Q: Do you think it's better for parents to tell their children the truth about frightening things, such as serious illness, financial difficulties or divorce, even if it's painful for the children? Rome GA A: It's also painful for children to be confused and anxious because they know something is wrong, but don't know what it is. When there is no explanation, children often imagine the worst and may even blame themselves for the unknown problem. For example, you would tell preschoolers, who cannot yet think in the abstract, that you don't have money right now to buy such or such, and suggest alternatives. You might make something with them that you would ordinarily buy. But a child over age eight could probably understand a financial crunch if you explained it honestly, simply and calmly. Middle school and older children can be part of the whole family team in brainstorming ways to save or stretch money; they can understand a discussion of "luxuries" and "necessities". When children feel involved as part of the family team they cope more easily with a crisis and are more supportive. Challenges often make family bonds stronger. In the case of divorce you must tell children what's going on in order to prevent unnecessary worry and fears that are undoubtedly already brewing. You'd need to be honest and calm. Keep the discussion simple. Children don't need to hear your gripes…they want to know how divorce will affect them. They need to know the divorce is not their fault, that they will still be loved by both parents, that they will be able to see and talk with an absent parent, and that a parent will still be their parent, even if he or she lives separately. They need reassurance that most of their day to day routines will stay the same. In the case of death or serious illness, a parent must always be honest with children, staying calm and reassuring. Sharing feelings of loss or sadness with children will help them know it's okay to feel sad or angry; this is a natural part of coping with grief. Be sure children know where you are and how to reach you at all times. In this kind of crisis, children often develop fears that you will leave them or die. Be sure to reassure them that you will be there for them, hopefully for a long, long time. 3/15/06 USING CRITICAL THINKING ON THE WWW Q: We have young elementary school kids, and although the school teaches them lots of technical things, we are much more concerned about teaching them to make good choices when they are doing work or searches on the Net. We want them to learn to evaluate the information they see. What guidelines could we use in teaching them this? K.S.P Atlanta On Line A: You are wise parents. It is especially important in today`s e-World for your children learn techniques which help them evaluate information, including web sites. Here are some guidelines from Chapter 8 of the book I wrote in 1999 with my web master and daughter, ``Sams Teach Yourself e-Parenting Today.`` Everyone needs some sort of framework for evaluating web sites. You can use the following checklist to help your kids evaluate some of the sites they visit. We talk more comprehensively about each of the following eight points in Chapter 8 of the book, but here is a short form of the checklist to use as you explore and evaluate sites with your children. * Approach. How does the style of writing make you feel? Is it rigid, and patronizing or is it comfortable? KEEPING KIDS SAFE Q. I worry about our very active 6 year old when I have to take him shopping. He gets excited, he moves too fast and talks to absolutely everyone he sees. I don’t want to be paranoid but please list some safety tips for me. H. H. Online A. Some items on my tip list may sound elementary, but in today’s world, it’s vital that families know and teach their children personal safety. Here’s my list. Never leave any young child alone in a store, a stroller, a car, or in any public place, even for a moment. Always accompany your child to the bathroom in a public place. NOTE TO READERS: Book on Amazon! “What’s Love Got to Do With It” by John Chirban (Thomas Nelson; under $20 & a Kindle edition) is well worth the price. It’s well organized, practical information and includes “how to’s” as well as an excellent glossary, index and list of further resources. It not only helps parents talk more easily to kids of all ages about sex and intimacy, but combats the negative and confusing messages about sexuality that kids get from the media. If you want to do the talking, instead of letting the TV or others influence your children, get this book.
Copyright © 1999-2011 Evelyn Petersen |
