Note to Readers: I have been researching recent studies about sleep deprivation in school children and teens and the terrible toll this takes on children’s brain development. I want to share this information with my readers; please take it seriously and pass it on to other parents.
According to surveys by the National Sleep Foundation, 90 percent of parents actually think their children are getting enough sleep. Down deep, the kids know otherwise. Their school performance reflects the truth. 60 percent of high schoolers report extreme daytime sleepiness. Over 25 percent fall asleep in class and 25 percent report their grades have dropped.
The truth is that half of all adolescents get less than seven hours of sleep on weeknights. By the time they are seniors that number is closer to 6.5 hours. Only 5% of seniors get 8 hours. Sure we remember being tired at school, but our stress and activities were far less demanding than those of today’s kids.
It has been documented that children today from elementary school through high school get at least one hour less sleep each night than they did 30 years ago. Causes? Overscheduling, burdensome homework, lax parental rules about bedtime, cell phones in the bedroom, etc. Now that we know more about the cost to the child of losing that hour of sleep; we can no longer ignore the problem.
The child’s brain is not fully developed just because they start attending school are learning to read. Most parents relax bedtime rules when kids go to school, when actually they should do the opposite. The truth is this: The child’s brain development is a work in progress that is not complete until age 21! Worse, most of the actual developmental work of the brain actually takes place during sleep when connections are made and the right and left sides of the brain work together. Just as we need sleep to heal, the child’s brain needs sleep so that the developmental work can be done. This means the loss of sleep has a far greater impact on children and teens than it does on adults.
Specific things that are affected are the coordination of thoughts to fulfill a goal, the prediction of outcomes or “executive function”, (causing unwise and sometimes dangerous decisions) and the ability to perceive the consequences of actions. Just imagine a teen with sleep deprivation driving a car, and also talking on a cell phone or texting…an accident waiting to happen. (Google “sleep deprivation in teens and adolescents” for current articles and information.)
Please note that these sleep deprivation habits don’t just start happening in the elementary school or teen years. These bad sleep habits probably began when children were toddlers. I receive many letters from parents who say they have “trouble getting their kids to go to sleep at night”. I beg to differ. With no exceptions, the problem these parents have had is that they never set a consistent bedtime for their children nor had a daily bedtime routine. They never said NO it is time to put away the toys now and get ready for bed. They never insisted that “Bedtime is 8:30 and that’s that.” Parents cannot let babies, toddlers and preschoolers wander about and stay up all hours with them as if they were companions. Young children need 10-12 hours of sleep in the early years. At age 5 they still need 8-9 hours and over 5 they need every bit of 8 hours. Parents! Wake up and take responsibility! Make sure your children, no matter what their ages, are NOT sleep deprived. Children need sleep; this is a health and development issue that can affect them for life, and it certainly will affect parents as well. APRIL 2012
WHAT TRULY MATTERS CANNOT BE FOUND ON A SMALL SCREEN OR IN A TECH PROGRAM
Q. What do you think about that new smart phone that has the screen that does EVERYTHING… that they are touting for young children. I saw on television that some schools were getting praise for their use of these small screen gadgets. Somehow, as a retired teacher, they bother me. P.N. Online
A. Yes I, too, am getting tired instead of excited when blasted with the media and advertising about new gadgets and i pods and i pads and smart phones etc. ad infinitum. But I need to share an important note on the small screen topic before my soapbox spiel.
You need to know…and share with parents….that the small screen (whether it is a television set or i pad or smart phone) may damage your child’s development: Years ago in the seventies and eighties, research studies on reading problems showed us that children were having problems learning to read because their eyes did not “track” normally. Experienced first grade teachers were noticing this. (In those days teachers had more time to observe children, and interact/respond based on observations.) The conclusion was that the culprit was probably television screen; many children sat long hours throughout toddler-hood to school entry, “tube” fed by the TV baby sitter. Staring at the small screen did not allow the eye muscles to develop properly to track a line of print.
We‘ve all had eye tests…you read a line of print or tell about pictures in sequence from left to right. Normal eyes of young children who have had the freedom to play with toys and other kids both indoors and outside will “track” in a rather jerky fashion from left to right, with is exactly how we actually read a line of print in a book. We read a phrase or so at a time. Fast readers read a line or several lines at a time, but that tracking motion and the muscles that control it are vital in the process.
Now look at the size of the screens we are expecting children to use…not just the television set, the computer monitor, and the many types of phones and gadgets…ALL with small screens that they must stare at without moving the eyes in a normal manner. Before you run and get these small screen devices, check with your eye doctors and see what exercises and daily activities you can use with children to mobilize the eye muscles, diminish the effects of staring and help protect children’s eyes.
It’s wise to remember that all the vitally important things of life and this world cannot be reduced to the small screen…nor can they be touched, seen or documented/confirmed with statistics. We get so caught up in enjoying our “i”toys and the ego trip of controlling these gadgets and making them do new things for us, that we forget how to connect (and teach our kids to connect) to the vast and far more important source of our life, love and energy… the Universe itself. The funny thing is that when we simply connect one on one openly with each other as people, we are also connecting to that Universe and the source of creative energy, intelligence and love.
Every time we use a gadget or technology to cut off direct connections to another person, we are diminishing our connection to the source of our true energy and well being. Please keep this in mind when you change to a “new and upgraded phone system” at a church or organization or business. If you have had a history of real people answering a phone call you were connecting not only with people who needed you and trusted you to be there, but connecting to our community. If you switch to the robot person and the long boring discourse, directory etc, you will not only lose your connection to people but you will also start losing the people. If we truly want to make connections, we must do it personally, not with gadgets or technology. We also need to teach our young people that real “connecting” with others doesn’t happen with “social networking tools.” Turn off the gadgets. Talk to each other face to face. March 2012
BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION - CONTRACT OR BRIBE?
Q. At our children’s school they are trying a “new method” to teach kids good behavior. They are paying kids for good behavior with coins (play money). In our family, we’ve always had had both rules and consequences for breaking them, and our kids have always been well praised for good behavior. We think it’s ridiculous to pay children to be “good” at school. Good behavior is both expected and quite normal to our kids. How can I explain to our kids why I don’t want them to get paid to be good. I’d like more information about this method. Pam; Online
A. This sounds like behavior modification; it’s not really new. It’s an old method that was very popular among educators in the 70’s. Here are the main points: The child would only be rewarded for the “good” behavior, (e.g. the behavior desired by adults). In the beginning the child was to be rewarded every time the desired behavior was seen. Later, when the child “learned” the correct behavior, the child would only be rewarded occasionally. Most important, the rewards for the child could be social (hugs, smiles), or they could be material things like gold stars or tokens that could earned and traded in for something meaningful that the child would want.
This method was popular and usually worked, but sometimes the adults would become careless and reward the child to STOP misbehaving, instead of rewarding only good behavior. This immediately destroyed the method and the desired result, because the child would simply repeat the misbehavior in order to get rewarded again. Whenever an adult gives a reward to get a child to stop misbehaving, it is bribery and will not work. It will not allow the adult and child to reach the behavioral goal.
If, however, the adult makes a contract with the child in which the desired behavior is explained as an expectation and which is rewarded AFTER it is seen, it is behavior modification that makes sense and that usually works. It’s like Grandma always said, “Do the chores first and then you can have the cookie.” (Follow the rules and good things will happen).
Here’s an example of a contract: The parent wants her child to understand before entering the store what behavior she expects. She explains to her child that when he is in the store he is not to ask mom to buy things. The parent makes this a contract by saying, “If you behave and don’t ask for things then you and I will do something special after we get done.” The expectations and reward are spelled out first; if the child exercises self-control he will be rewarded.
Perhaps you need to learn more about the behavior modification methods being used at your child’s school. If you want your kids to understand why you don’t want them to be paid for being good, they are old enough to understand a simple explanation. You might say, “We’re really proud that you both know how to behave and how to keep the rules at home and school. We’re glad you have already learned how to use your self-control to behave. But some children don’t know how to manage their behavior at all; maybe they’ve had no experience with rules or consequences or rewards. This is why the school is trying something new to help kids that have trouble behaving. We wish you would not get paid, but if you do get paid, you may want to use your coins to do something special for your school that will help everyone, like buying a new library book or cafeteria supplies.” October 2011
BE PREPARED FOR UPCOMING PARENT/TEACHER CONFERENCES
With all the pressures on our children to achieve, it’s more important than ever for parents to realize that what happens with their children in the early years of school will impact their lives forever. Parents have the right and the responsibility to ask questions about what children are learning and how they can help their children in all areas of development. It is very important for BOTH parents to attend and provide input if at all possible. Fathers often have a somewhat different perspective that can make the discussion even more valuable to everyone concerned. Be prepared to share information about your child’s learning style, talents and what motivates him best.
I thought it would be interesting to say something about these conferences from the teachers’ point of view, not just the parents’ perspective. So I asked a retired first grade TCAPS teacher what the teachers expect parents to ask or hope parents will discuss at the conferences. Here is her valuable insight. * * *
“Of course parents will ask, “How is my child doing?” Often they want to know how they’re doing in comparison with classmates. As teachers we steer away from peer comparisons; instead we share where their child is in relation to grade level expectations/exit skills. Each child is an individual so that’s what really matters.
“Teachers hope that a parent will also ask about the child's behavior, and what may need to happen to curb negative behaviors or encourage positive ones. And teachers do hope a parent will ask how they could help their child at home - from remedial help to enrichment, whatever is needed.
“Teachers will want to share the positive things that have occurred since school began - adjusting to classroom routine, rules, social behaviors and friends. They also want to share basic academic progress, tell where the child stands with grade level expectations, and give the parents a glimpse into what the rest of the school year may entail for the child, especially academically. Short & long term goals should always be a topic of conversation. Both parents and teachers need to be on the same wave-length to do joint planning. I would hope a teacher would be pretty frank, to avoid "surprises" along the way.
“Encouraging parents to be involved in their child's school life is important…asking about their day, going over their work, and helping as needed. But most all, I hope that teachers, especially those of lower elementary/early childhood classes, will remind and encourage parents to have their children "play" and be "creative" every day. These very important parts of their children’s development are not addressed on a daily basis in most school settings.” * * *
Now here are a few of my own basic reminders for parent/teacher conferences. Conferences are a two-way effort. You know your child best and you need to share this information. Jot down some notes about what you think the teacher needs to know about your child’s learning style, interests, personality, talents and strengths. Put a summary on your computer and make a printout to leave with the teacher. This information will help the teacher understand what interests your child and what makes him eager to learn. It’s a good idea to give the teachers some written input on your child’s learning style and motivation.
If there are any problems, brainstorm ways to help both at home and school, including the types of praise and reinforcement that teacher and parents will both use consistently. Leave your home and work phone numbers and exchange email addresses. Plan to meet again if necessary. When you get home, talk in a positive way with your child about the conference. Sept. 2011
ABOUT KINDERGARTEN THE ALL DAY QUESTION
Dear Readers: Starting last summer people started to ask me, “What do you think about all day kindergarten?” Here’s my answer, but this is only the first of several kindergarten questions asked of me. I will continue to address these over the next few weeks.
Kindergarten is a monumentally important year in regard to the child’s attitude about school and learning. As to all day Kindergarten, it’s not so much the amount of time the child spends at school; it’s about the quality of that time. Six or more hours in a developmentally appropriate all day kindergarten classroom can be a joyous and remarkable opportunity for the child to learn many new skills, not only intellectual skills, but other skills and abilities that the child needs in order to succeed in school and in life. These are skills such as physical growth and development, social and emotional self-confidence, self-discipline, self- help/independence, and skills in interacting, problem solving and communicating positively with others. They are, in short, Life Skills.
The child needs this Kindergarten year of transition to grow and mature; they need to be encouraged, supported and guided in learning more challenging pre reading, pre science and math skills before entering first grade. What they are learning must be relevant to them personally or it probably “won’t stick.” Most important, this is the age that the child must develop a positive attitude about school and learning. Research tells us that most of our values and attitudes are formed before age eight. If the child loses a love for school and eagerness to learn, the child is likely to have problems in the future.
Some parents in our community want all day Kindergarten and after school care because it’s imperative that both parents work and school is a safe place for the kids. Others feel that if their particular all day Kindergarten is not developmentally appropriate, they would rather send their children to a good preschool instead. (The compulsory school entry in Michigan is age 6 by Dec. 1)
Other parents are unsure they can successfully work with their children on the skills they need to have (Kindergarten Grade Level Expectations) before first Grade. I strongly suggest that any parents who have concerns about their kindergarten age children go online to the Office of Early Childhood and Family Services in the Michigan Dept. of Education web site to see their resources and learn more about what is expected in Kindergarten by the end of the school year. Here’s how.
Go to www.michigan.gov Search “Office of Early Childhood” Read their Welcome. Scroll the left column of “resources” and click on “Standards of Quality for Prekindergarten.” This takes you to a page containing several documents to read. First read the Standards of Quality. It was originally titled “Standards of Quality for Prekindergarten through Second Grade” It is posted with it’s new title so you can read what kinds of things are supposed to happen in classrooms for young children. This document not only includes the standards (also called goals, expectations or outcomes) but includes age-appropriate teaching strategies to help children reach these goals and outcomes. Find and read the sections about appropriate learning environments and teaching practices, including inservice training requirements for teachers and their administrators.
Now go “back” and read the Kindergarten Grade Level Content Expectations (goals or outcomes) in each academic content area that are expected at the END of the year, not the beginning. I personally feel these are fairly reasonable and appropriate for today’s children. They also mesh with the national Common Core Standards. See ww.commoncore.org The big problem is that unfortunately there’s no guidance whatsoever about how to achieve these outcomes or expectations for Kindergarten in developmentally appropriate ways.
It is unfortunate that the Office of Early Childhood Education has not yet been able to add more specific advice on how to reach the kindergarten expectations. (Reasons for this will be seen in another column) More specific direction on how to reach academic expectations appropriately might ease the concerns of local parents and teachers about whether the needs of children are still, as they have been in the past, a top priority. It might also provide some helpful guidance for school administrators. Sept. 2010
DO BLOCKS AND LEARNING CENTERS STILL BELONG IN KINDERGARTEN?
Q. They said blocks and dramatic play were not appropriate in my son’s kindergarten, and were planning to remove them. Some of my friends say their learning centers, including blocks, are intact. Did the Michigan Department of Education (MDE) say these things don’t belong? Concerned Parent
A I was able to reach the MDE Office of Early Childhood and Family Services and I’ve been in touch by email and phone with Lindy Buch, PhD, the Director of the Office of Early Childhood Education and Family Services, and Richard Lower, Supervisor of Preschool and Early Elementary Programs. They told me that the Michigan Dept. of Education does not have a policy that prohibits the use of blocks and dramatic play areas in Kindergartens. In addition, the Office of Early Childhood and Family Services would not provide guidance that having blocks and learning centers is not developmentally appropriate because they are completely appropriate in kindergartens.
Dr. Lindy Buch, agreed that sometimes administrators, principals and even parents don’t fully understand that kindergarteners need hands on and concrete experiences to internalize what they are learning. Adults need to understand that time to move about and work in teacher- planned learning centers is not play, but an appropriate and successful teaching and learning method supported by research.
She said “If someone asked me about kindergarten I would refer them to the National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC 800-424 2460) and the new “Developmentally Appropriate Practices” book, which includes an entire section devoted to Kindergarten.” Buch also mentioned “Reaching Standards and Beyond in Kindergarten” and “Kindergarten Today.” NAEYC has been a highly respected organization among state departments of education and universities for over sixty years providing books and research to the early education field such as “The Block Book” and “Number in Preschool and Kindergarten.”
She stated that they hope school districts try to hire kindergarten teachers who have early childhood endorsements and/or expertise; our own district has always tried to do this. Buch also noted that MDE relies on national and state professional organizations to help local districts. The Intermediate School Districts (ISD’s) and the MIAEYC (miaeyc.org) often provide professional development specifically for kindergarten teachers and administrators.
Dr. Buch’s office does not monitor K-12 school district curriculum or instruction for kindergarten. “We can give advice, and we try to constantly remind the public and teachers that the Grade Level Content Expectations are for the END of the school year, not the beginning of the year.” She suggested that teachers work gradually toward the Kindergarten Grade Level Content Expectations.
Dr. Buch hopes that all day kindergarten will give the teachers a more relaxed time frame in which to present curriculum content. She agreed that the full day can provide time to offer a greater variety of developmentally appropriate ways for children to internalize content through experiences in learning centers and by working in small groups. She said that the Curriculum Unit of the MDE is responsible for Grade Level Content Expectations and that guidance in strategies for “how to” reach the K and Grades 1-2 standards in age appropriate ways is being considered and discussed. If this ever happens it will help ease pressure on kindergarten teachers to prioritize and push academic content and, instead, keep it well balanced with other good things that have always been associated with an excellent kindergarten curriculum.
When I spoke with Jame McCall, TCAPS Executive Director of Elementary and Special Education, regarding the concerns of parents about removing dramatic play and blocks from some of the kindergartens because they are not ”age appropriate” she seemed surprised. She said she was not aware that blocks, other equipment or dramatic play areas were being removed. She felt that these were all appropriate to use in kindergartens for learning and reinforcement of skills, and said she would look into it. McCall said that if blocks had been removed in a particular kindergarten it was probably due to a safety issue such as a child throwing blocks. I felt that an alternative solution would not have deprived the other children of using blocks as a learning tool.
McCall spoke very highly of our kindergarten teachers. She is happy to be able to place new teachers with mentors that are experienced kindergarten teachers. She also feels that the all day kindergarten will help teachers have more time to know and work with their children, meeting their individual needs. McCall was particularly pleased that the kindergarten teachers will start meeting regularly again as they did in the past to share ideas and strategies.
BE READY WITH GOOD QUESTIONS FOR PARENT CONFERENCES
Rumors about what the school district or the State Dept of Education is doing often float around in a community causing unnecessary concern. Let’s extinguish some rumors and share other facts you need to know before parent conferences in October. In these times of increased pressure on children to achieve, it’s more important than ever for parents or realize that what happens with their children in the early years of school will impact their lives forever.
Schools are funded with our taxes. Parents have the right, and the responsibility to ask questions about what children are learning and what methods and tools are used. Kids are an investment in the future…your future and theirs. Know what their needs are at school and don’t be afraid to ask questions if you want your investment to grow and prosper.
RUMOR: If our school has low reading scores in K or grades 1-3, the State of Michigan Dept of Education (MDE) will take away some of our funding. FACT: Our scores as a district have been among the top ratings in the state for years; we are not in danger. According to the No Child Left Behind Act, (NCLB) which has nothing to do with funds, only with testing, if a school in Michigan does not make Adequate Yearly Progress (AYP) there are federally required consequences. Examples: Bus children to another district. Make improvements by a certain date,
RUMOR: The MDE standards for each grade level (GLCE’s or Grade Level Content Expectations) get harder each year. FACT: The GLCE’s have never been revised since they were developed. But our state has just joined over 30 other states in adopting the national Common Core standards. These replace but are very similar to the old GLCE’s. Guidance on how to aid teachers in age appropriate instruction to help children reach these end of year standards is planned for October in Grand Rapids and Boyne Mountain. We are one of the top districts in the state; we will surely be represented at the conferences. See www.gomiem.org/content/instruction.
RUMOR: The MDE tells kindergarten and elementary teachers exactly how many minutes per day must be spent teaching language arts, math and other subjects. FACT: The MDE has no control over and does not monitor local school district instruction, programs or curriculum tools. So if you have heard about and want to know more about our own district’s “Daily Instructional Minutes” form, ask the teacher how it works in the classroom. Jame McCall, our Executive Director of Elementary and Special Education, says, “The Minutes are a Guide, not a Bible.”
RUMOR: The No Child Left Behind Act says children must be tested and rated frequently from grades K through 12. FACT: NCLB only requires testing from grade 3 and up. Michigan has been using its own testing (MEAP Michigan Education Assessment Program) from grade three and up for many years.
When you go to your conference, be prepared to not only share information about your child’s learning style, talents and what motivates him best. Also list the questions you want to ask. Be prepared to ask questions about reading, language arts and testing. Go on line to read and print the Position Statements on Appropriate Assessment and on Literacy for children written by the Michigan Association for the Education of Young Children (www.miaeyc.org Search position statements.) These statements may give you some ideas for discussion.
It may help you to know the names of a few of our district’s curriculum tools. In kindergarten and grades 1-2 they use the “DRA” (Developmental Reading Assessment) kits that include books at various levels of difficulty, as well as built in assessment tools, such as the “guided reading” running record assessment. If you want to know more about these books and assessment tools, ask the teacher. In Kindergarten and grades 1 and 2 our schools use “Investigation” (which has built in assessments) for math. Go to Google to learn more about these curriculum tools.
K 1-2 Teachers also use Curriculum Assessment and Alignment Process tests (CAAP). These were developed here in our district to help ensure that the district’s curriculum is consistent and that it matches state expectations or standards. Remember that the purpose of assessments is to help the teacher to do better planning that meets the needs of children. Oct. 2010
WHAT'S FINLAND'S SECRET TO SUCCESS IN EDUCATION?
A few weeks ago Finland was being lauded in our national news for having one of the best educational systems in the world. This isn’t new; they’ve had an excellent system since the 60’s. In 1972 and 1974 my husband and I hosted two Rotary exchange students from Finland. We were impressed with these two sisters and their excellent academic skills. We were astounded when they told us that in Finland, children attend government supported preschool programs from ages 3 to 5, after which 99% go to public school kindergarten at age 6, but children to not have formal reading instruction until age 7. Finland was making sure its youngest students got an excellent foundation.
This is still true today. Kindergarten curriculum emphasizes child development, “learning to learn” skills and positive self-image. Teachers have academic backgrounds in early education, and in a classroom of 13-20 there are two teachers. The curriculum includes language/literacy and interactions, math, ethics, philosophy, health, physical development, culture, art, natural studies, and the environment. Although the children have many experiences with literature, stories and books in these early years, they don’t start formal reading until age seven!
Finland’s education leaders have found that by age seven ALL children are ready and eager to have formal reading instruction. None have to be pushed or pulled, they are raring to go. Yes, of course many children may have already taught themselves to read by age seven, but this is seen as an advantage in the classroom, not a problem.
What is most interesting about this is that Finland has 100 % literacy rate. So do Norway Sweden, Denmark, Estonia, and Iceland. These are six of the 12 countries in the world that have a 100 % literacy rate. And guess what! In all six of these countries, they do not start formal reading until age seven. All these countries have very similar early education systems and nearly identical kindergarten curricula. The United States has a 97% literacy rate, and there are 54 countries that have higher literacy rates than we do. (Online, search PISA world literacy comparison data)
Finland and its neighbors have proven that if they fund early education and prioritize child development and readiness in their curriculum planning they will grow children eager to learn and achieve. They have fewer dropouts than we do and fewer reading problems in the elementary years. They understand and act on the 75 years of child development research that tells us the years from 3 to 8 are priority years in education.
We can’t replicate the educational system of Finland, but we should try to follow their example of supporting early education and making kindergarten more developmentally appropriate. We cannot “catch up” to Finland’s fine example of 100% literacy by pushing and pulling every single five year- old to read if some aren’t ready. Yes, some children will enjoy the “pushing” and learn to read and write well before grade one, but some others are likely to develop a dislike for school and have reading problems later on.
Think about this: When you buy peaches, you have to wait for some to get ripe; you can’t MAKE them ripen. I asked a local fruit grower recently if there was a way to make a peach get ripe before it is ready. He said that you could change the environment a little by cutting out some tree branches to let in more sun, and you might then be able to force the peach to be ripe a few days earlier. But, he said, the peach that is forced that way won’t ever be quite as good as the peach that you let ripen on its own. It will have lower sugar content and may not have good texture; it loses some of its “peachness”. I think we could learn some things from Finland and from nature. Oct.2010
KINDERGARTEN TESTING – HOW IT'S CHANGED
Q. It seems to us like our Kindergarten child has tests at school every month. It never used to be like this. Is this new approach necessary? What’s the purpose of so many tests? K I, Online
A. Ongoing assessment of children in kindergartens is not new, it’s the methods of doing the tests or assessments that have changed. Until about five or six years ago teachers did observations of children as they worked in all areas of curriculum. We called this “ongoing informal assessment”. Teachers saved samples of work in portfolios, recorded each child’s needs, observed and recorded their performance levels of various skills in all learning domains, and planned their teaching accordingly.
Today, assessment in schools is more formal and more “pencil and paper” in nature. A nationally known mathematician and author who has retired in our area remarked to me recently that schools everywhere seem to want to diminish informal assessment of hands on experiences, even though these would help reinforce the concepts being learned. He felt that with kindergarteners, who are concrete, not abstract, learners, informal and ongoing performance based assessment is probably far more appropriate and more reliable than scheduled pencil and paper tests.
Dominic Gullo in his book Kindergarten Today (National Assn. for the Education of Young Children; Chapter 13, “Assessment in Kindergarten”) says that kindergarten children, far more than any other grade, challenge teachers with vastly differing levels of development, different prior experiences, a wide range of backgrounds and different learning styles. He feels that informal assessments, which include interviews, observations, checklists, rubrics, and examples of actual work, have many advantages over formal testing in kindergartens and should always be a part of the kindergarten teaching/learning process.
The tests you’re concerned about are considered achievement tests or formal assessments. In our schools, most of them are built into the curriculum modules being used with the children, so at least they usually tie in specifically to what the child is learning. For example our local school math curriculum “Investigation” has regular “tests” of the concepts being learned, many of which are done with concrete materials. But since the teachers also have to track progress in reading, science, and other core curriculum areas, there are many other “tests.” Kindergarten children could actually have some type of formal achievement assessment every month.
In our country I don’t think we are going to be able to make this testing trend go away, even though Finland, with one of the world’s finest educational systems, does little or no formal achievement testing with young children. The more we know about assessment, however, the better we can insure that it’s is being done in appropriate ways with our children. March 2011
KINDERGARTEN - LEARNING MORE ABOUT ASSESSMENT
Formal assessment testing is done at all grade levels because public school districts have “grade level content expectations” or standards that match the state department of education’s National Common Core standards. (www.michigan.gov/mde) Whenever there are goals to achieve, we need to develop methods of finding out if we are meeting these goals. Checking children’s progress in meeting state and national standards in all curriculum areas is one purpose of testing or assessment, whether testing is informal or formal.
The Common Core standards are developmentally appropriate for today’s kindergartens; the problem is that state departments of education give no written guidance on how the goals should be met in developmentally appropriate ways. In Michigan, the Curriculum Unit in the Office of Education is working with the Early Childhood Investment Corporation (see www.greatstartfor kids.org) on guidance. However, state departments of education have no control over school district curriculum or the ways they meet Core standards. If developmentally appropriate guidance becomes available, it’s up to parents and school board members to encourage school districts to use it.
Another purpose of testing is to give teachers information to help in planning. Lindy Buch of the Office of Early Childhood at the Michigan Dept of Education says “We do support ongoing formative assessment of young children’s progress in all curriculum areas in order to inform teacher instruction. I wouldn’t translate that necessarily into monthly tests.” She says she hopes “teachers are continuously monitoring individual children’s progress and adjusting their instruction to make sure each one is learning and achieving in all content areas.” She also stresses that teachers and administers need to remember that grade level content expectations are for the end of the school year, not the beginning.
So assessments, whether formal or informal, are done (1) to help teachers adapt curriculum to meet each child’s development and learning needs and (2) to help teachers (and parents) monitor children’s progress in all areas of curriculum according to state and national standards. (Some screening tests are also done to identify children with special learning needs so these needs can be met.)
These purposes are valid, but so are our concerns about achievement testing. Teachers and parents still want to be sure the methods of assessment are developmentally appropriate. Kindergarten teachers often feel that there is so much emphasis on formal achievement testing that there is not enough time to do informal assessments, or one on one and small group teaching and observing in classroom learning centers that helps reinforce the concepts being learned. Isn’t loving to discover and loving to learn just as important as achievement testing? Parents should contact their local school board members if they have these concerns. (See tcaps.net/boardof education)
These concerns about what should be happening are reflected in the current literature by early childhood experts and authors and by professional organizations like the National Association for the Education of Young Children. (See www.naeyc.org for position statements on assessment.) Here are some excerpts from the chapter on “Assessing Children’s Development and Learning” from the book Developmentally Appropriate Practice in Early Childhood Programs Serving Children from Birth Through age 8 (3rd edition, Carol Copple and Sue Bredekamp, editors
These statements speak specifically to concerns that all assessments are appropriate, and that teachers have the time and opportunity to use appropriate informal assessment methods as well as achievement test assessments. It’s true that these methods are more difficult to accomplish when districts have little money for teacher aides and class size is an issue. For children’s sake, we should continue to do our utmost to try to do our best.
Teachers look at what each child can do independently but also assess collaborative work with peers and adults. Teachers assess as the child participates in groups and during other scaffolded situations.
Assessments include teachers’ observations of what children say and do during center time, play, projects, discussions, movement games and other learning experiences, as well as samples of students’ work and performance during teacher-guided tasks.
Teachers and families make decisions together regarding learning goals and approaches to learning that are suitable for the individual child. Families are regularly informed about how their children are doing in all developmental domains. March 2011
BULLYING
Q. I was really shocked at the two Fact Finder Reports on Bullying that were on Channel 7&4 last week. They asked if we thought bullying is actually on the rise or if people are just more aware of it. What do you think? Is there anything we do to help, even if our own kids are all grown up. Grandma K. Online
A. I that bullying is escalating because of increased stress. When kids are stressed they act out and may bully. When parents are stressed, they get so busy with their own problems they don’t pay any attention to what their kids are feeling or doing. This is a child safety and well being issue we cannot ignore. The more we know the more ways we will find to help stop bullying.
I saw the Fact Finder Reports and also read the online posts of parents sharing their own stories. I was surprised at the number of parents who transferred their children (of many different ages) to other schools because they were getting no effective assistance in protecting their kids. To be more aware of this issue and ways to address it, go to upnorthlive.com and read the stories.
We also need to teach our children that bullying is not just the bully’s problem. Yes, bullys need to see that their actions can have tragic consequences. But it’s also just as vital that the rest of us…both kids and adults… speak up against harassment and bullying wherever or whenever we see it.
We need to make sure that kids of all ages in our own circles of family and friends realize that if we “ignore” bullying or pretend we don’t see it, we are actually giving that bully permission to continue harassment. If you don’t say No, you are really saying Yes. If just one or two children step up to the bat and say “Stop that.” more will join them. Ostracizing the bullys instead of playing up to them will work.
It is also important for our school districts to follow the mandate of the MI Board of Education and have a comprehensive, written policy on bullying that contains effective strategies. I strongly suggest that readers go to the state department of education website at michigan.gov/mde Scroll down the left margin to click Board of Education. Then click on Policies and you will be able to read the “Polices on Bullying” (2001) and the “Model Anti Bullying Policy” (2006) that gives each district a working tool to write an effective and comprehensive bullying policy of their own.
You can also go to the Michigan Model for Health Curriculum and see how bullying is supposed to be specifically addressed by teachers in grades 3 through 6. Parents and grandparents can ask teachers when and how these lessons are taught, and middle school families can ask the sixth grade teachers and physical education teachers the same questions. Now here are some excellent books and DVD’s recommended by book stores and libraries that will help all of us stop bullying. Jan 2011
Horizon books
“The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle” Barbara Coloroso, 2009. ISBN 9780061744600 (great resource for administrators)
“Please Stop Laughing At Me” Jodee Blanco, 2010 (new; contains chapter on cyber bullying)
Traverse Area District Library
“Stop Bullying Now: Take a Stand, Lend a Hand” Very comprehensive DVD for teachers, parents and school age children showing actual strategies on f ilm. Sight and Sound section of district library - documentary/informational
“Bullys are a Pain in the Brain” DVD Gives school age children strategies for dealing with bullys. Youth services section of district library – informational
KIDS AND PC SAFETY
Q: Our children are only three and five. We have a personal computer and we do searches, use email, and write letters, but are not into chat rooms. We are already afraid that our kids will know more than we do about the computer in a few years. How are we going to protect them from the dangers of email from strangers and bad chat rooms?
A: You are aware parents; you are already taking the first step. At school the children will learn how to use the computer, but the school cannot teach them to make wise, safe choices, or insure that they will come to you if they have a problem.
What your kids do online in a few years will depend a lot on what you are doing right now. Do you listen (as well as talk) to your kids, and can you have conversations about ANYthing the child wants to know? Do you enjoy each others company and do things together as a family? Do your children understand that you have safety rules about many things because you love them and want them to be safe. The same safety rules need to be applied in using the computer.
Experts in online safety for children say that good parent-child communication is absolutely your very best tool for preventing problems. If your children have always been able to come to you with problems, and if they know you will listen and help them, even when they make a mistake, they will probably continue to do so. While your kids are young, develop and keep using the best parent child communication possible.
Other tips...
* Talk about stranger danger on the PC and Net and tell children why they should never to give out ANY personal information online. Do NOT allow your kids to do online profiles; they attract predators.
* Use the PC and Net TOGETHER. Think of the computer as a household appliance that you all need to use and share, just like other appliances in your home. If you make a habit of using the computer together from the beginning, your children will not think it strange for you to talk about their online activities or friends they are talking with.
* Place the PC in an area of the house where everyone can use it, and see each other using it.
* Find and enjoy good sites for fun and learning together. Try Nickjr.com, TheIdeaBox.com, Smarterkids.com, kidscom.com, kidspsych.org, and webwisekids.com There are wonderful new sites all the time.
* Use an internet service provider filter system instead of a software filter to keep porn out of your home. Aug. 2010
AARE PARENTS GROWING CHILDREN AS PROJECTS OR PEOPLE?
Q: I have our three year old in a play group that meets twice a week. I like the socialization with the other moms, but feel great pressures when I hear them talk about their plans to get their children into pre dance, pre gymnastics, sports and so on. I don’t understand why! But I wonder if I’m doing my child a disservice by not jumping on this bandwagon. Is she going to lose an edge or be less successful if I just send her to regular preschool next year and enjoy my time with her instead? Anxious Mom Online
A: You know your child best, and you should trust your own instincts. Until she shows a real interest or talent in such activities, ignore these pressures. Find a good part time preschool next year, but enjoy every moment of your own time together. You’re lucky to have the time, because it’s in these early years that you can best develop the family communication and bonds your child will need most during the school years, as well as the values you hold and life skills you want to teach.
These are the years to develop strong self esteem that comes of feeling both loveable and capable and the social skills of understanding how to share and communicate with peers and adults. These are the years she needs to learn how her behavior affects others, which is more valuable than rote manners. These are the years to encourage self help and self discipline that’s the foundation for making wise choices, and the years she must learn that she has to accept the responsibility and consequences of poor choices or behavior.
In the long-term scheme of life, school and the real world, these things are far more important than just being “smart” or competitive. What good is being clever and competitive unless you learn these other things too? Many parents make the mistake of buying in to the concept that their children will learn what they need for success in life by being involved in as many scheduled activities as possible.
They don’t realize that they may be letting other adults influence their child’s values and life skills, and abdicating their roles in nurturing other aspects of their children’s development. They don’t realize that some children develop hidden anxieties and resentments to “pushing” and over scheduling that surfaces in later years as rebellion, disrespect and rudeness. Parents’ choices must be made in children’s best long term interest, and based on the individual needs of the child, not because “everyone is doing it."
The pressures on parents to “over cultivate” young children makes them think of children as “projects” not people. See more in next week’s column about the role that marketing/consumerism plays in this issue, and find out what the American Academy of Pediatricians says about it in its latest release of research. Oct. 2010
MOM SLEEPS WITH 10 YEAR OLD
Q. My wife has made a habit of going to bed with our daughter every night since she was born. She is now 10 going on 11. They turn the lights off, say prayers and then talk for up to an hour. By then my wife usually falls asleep, so she rolls into our bed sometime between 11 and 12. This is not helping our marriage relationship, because we don’t even get to talk in the evenings. When I’m out of town they sleep together in our bed every night. I have told my wife many times that she should say “goodnight and sleep well” after prayers and leave the room. I’m really worried that this isn’t good for our daughter and doesn’t seem normal to me, but my wife doesn’t think this could possibly be harmful to her development. Can you give me some advice? I just feel in my heart that this is not right. D.V. Online
A. I agree; this isn’t normal. It’s normal to help children learn to go to sleep at an appropriate time and go back to sleep if they wake up. All of us have learned to do that. You may need to consider some family counseling for your wife and child, or, to start with, get your church minister, priest or pastor to talk with her. It should be someone your wife trusts and sees as a positive authority figure. If the church cannot help you, ask the school for a referral for family therapy or counseling.
This habit is not recommended by child development educators or anyone in early childhood or elementary education, nor is it recommended by pediatricians. Saying prayers and talking for a short time is an excellent idea, but then the child needs to go to sleep on her own and in her own bed. Your daughter is not learning normal sleep behavior.
Surely this habit also inhibits your child from having friends over for sleepovers, or from going to others' homes for sleepover parties. This isn’t a good thing, since it cuts off some social events in which she should partake. Have you ever had sleepovers or slumber parties for your daughter and her friends? If not, you need to plan one soon. Have pizza and play board games before bedtime, usually on the floor in sleeping bags.
If your wife says that sleeping with your daughter is a good thing because it helps cement their relationship and promotes communication, remind her that you are part of the family. If it’s a good thing for relationships and communication to talk for a short time before saying good night, then YOU should also be there to talk with your child and say good night. Your relationship with your daughter is just as important as mom’s. It’s time to explain this to your wife.
Reminder her, too, that having time for the two of you to be alone and to talk is just as important as talking with your child. This eleven year old habit may have helped in maintaining communication between mom and daughter, but currently it doesn’t include YOU, and it should. Communication is a family thing and so is a bedtime routine that includes saying, “We both love you …sleep well, good night.” July 2010
SIX YEAR OLD TRIES TO COPE WITH MORTALITY ISSUES
Q. My son is 6. He’s normally a very loving and caring boy. He’s real comfortable about giving hugs to friends and family. Four years ago his great grand mother passed away, Three years ago his grand daddy passed away. 18 months ago his other grand parents moved out of state, and a year ago his mother left without notice or explanation. She was later diagnosed as bipolar and has since returned home and doing the best she can. This leaves a lot up to me. My son is trying to get through 1st grade. Earlier in the year it was evident that he could do all the work easily. But now he is on the verge of being held back cause he won’t do the work. When we try to work at home and he will work for about 3 minutes then stop and say "I can't" and begin crying. Other times he will be playing just fine then start acting out. He talks about people leaving or dying every single day. Most nights I have to stay with him till he falls asleep or he will cry himself out then come crawling into my bed at night. I need help. I’m not sure how to handle his emotions or get him past the concerns of death and loss. I want to get him back to being a typical little boy.
A. My heart goes out to you and your child. This has been a very hard time for you and your son, and I truly understand. It’s no wonder your little boy is having problems. Find others that your son cares about and respects; get them to help you reassure him that not everyone he loves will go away or die. Show him examples of this in real life. Also go to the library for help. The children's librarian can find you many books, not just for you as parent, but excellent children's books for your son that will help him understand and cope with these losses and find some peace.
You must also reassure him that it is ok to grieve and to cry and be angry about these losses. Tell him everyone feels this way when they lose someone, even you and other adults. He needs to know it is ok to have and fully experience these feelings before he will be able to cope with them in new ways.
There may be a related issue here. Most children who experience deaths of loved ones and pets to not "connect" these deaths to their own mortality until around age eight. In your son's case, this revelation may have already occurred because so many losses happened in a short time.
He needs to hear you say and give good examples that show that both you and he are strong and healthy. He needs to be reassured that he won't die for a long, long time (when he is very old like his granddaddy and great grandma) and that you will be here for him for as long as he needs you. There are children's books that touch on this issue and can be comforting.
Until he feels better about life, doing his schoolwork is nearly impossible. But this is May. Maybe if the school and teachers understand what he is going through, they can help. The decision to go on to the next grade can wait until after the summer. Hopefully this summer he can get help to resolve these issues and get back to normal before school starts again. DO share all this with the teachers and the school staff. When they know the whole story they can work with you and him to help find solutions. May 2010
CAN YOU “UNSPOIL” CHILDREN?
Q. We have two boys, ages 9 and 7. We’ve provided them with everything they need and more. We’ve tried to instill the value of money. We don't buy them everything they want; they do have to save their own money to buy a few things. They get an allowance when they behave. But they've still become spoiled and we don't know what to do about it. How can we "unspoil" them so that they will learn to appreciate everything they've got? Susan Online Dopwnstate
A: If you carefully consider what you’ve done and not done and are completely honest with yourselves, you may find that you should have made them responsible for earning even more of the things they want. You may find that in spite of the fact that you say you believe in the work ethic and delayed gratification, you may have given your boys what they wanted when they wanted it more often than was wise. You need to walk the walk, not just talk about them learning the work ethic and to appreciate what they have.
It’s up to parents to teach children life skills and values. Learning how to earn and save for what you want and wait for it is a real world life skill your kids will need. Can you imagine how tough it will be for them if they don’t learn this? Be firm about delayed gratification; explain your reasons. Most importantly, teach them the difference between wants and needs. Make them see that wanting and needing something are two very different concepts. They could earn many of their wants and you can provide their needs.
People who live under a roof together should help each other because it’s they’re part of the family team. Picking up our own clothes and books or projects, making our beds, feeding the cat, and helping with mealtime clean up does not deserve a paycheck or an allowance. We should be responsible for our own behavior in the home because it’s the right thing to do, and if we don’t do this, it adversely affects others. Children should be able to earn money, however, for doing “extra” or more difficult chores, like washing the car, cleaning the garage, weeding gardens or washing windows. Give them a fair allowance for their work.
You can do several other things to make sure your boys aren’t self absorbed and self centered. Make sure to give them descriptive praise every time they do something extra to help within your own family group, or whenever they do something helpful for relatives or neighbors. Children learn your values and repeat these behaviors if they get praised for them.
In addition, find a way for your boys to do some volunteer work. They might be able to help serve the homeless meal once a month at church, or help out at the humane society, or join a 4H or Scout group that does things to help children see more of the bigger world outside themselves. Think about their future and act now. Apr. 2010
MAKING FRIENDS IN A NEW SCHOOL
Q. My 7 yr old daughter has no friends. It’s probably because we had to move to a new community this summer and just started school last month. I don't know other parents with kids her age. The problem is her birthday is this Friday. This may be another birthday with no friends. She’s not necessarily shy, but somehow she doesn't always connect with other friendly girls. I'm wondering if it would be wise to send a few invitations out to some girls in her new class for a birthday slumber party (which is what she really wants). Since she's only known these classmates for a few weeks, is this inappropriate? I was hoping this would break the ice. I feel like I have failed her somehow. All the other moms here seem to have kids with social circles and activities. T.R. Online
A. You’re a good parent; you care a lot, and you have not failed her. I am assuming she's in a good school, and that you have met the teacher. Make an appointment with the teacher tomorrow (or email her if emails are used in your school). At least call and speak with her on the phone. Ask for her help in choosing a few girls to come over next weekend with their moms for a simple birthday lunch. You can even tell them not to bring gifts, just cards, if you like. That’s up to you.
If the teacher can’t help you with other parents’ contact information due to a policy about not sharing this information, at least ask for suggestions as to the names of a few girls to invite. Immediately write out simple notes of invitation including your own contact phone numbers and address, and have your child pass them out. (You could even go to the school with a “birthday treat” for the class, and pass out these few invitations yourself.)
Explain to your child that the sleepover she wants can come later next month, but right now that would not be comfortable for moms who do not yet know you and your child. You need to get acquainted first. At lunch, do pizza, and let the girls add some toppings. Pizza is easy and everyone likes it. Have ice cream and cake but keep it simple...just enjoy the girls and their moms.
You must also think about your child's special interests and talents and get her into a group where she will meet other friends with like interests. This could be 4H, or scouts, or gymnastics; you will know best. Maybe there is even a church group you can both attend. These efforts will help her feel she’s part of a group. Seven is an important year for friendships. Any efforts and time on your part will be time well spent.
One more thing. Some children need more help than others in making friends. Children are not born with this skill. You may need to teach her how to make friends. Tips: Smile, always say Hi and use the other person's name, ask other children for advice (doing this is a form of compliment) and try to give another person at least one sincere compliment a day. Aug. 2010
CONTROLLING EIGHT YEAR OLD NEEDS RULES AND FRIENDS
Q. My 8 year old daughter is very bossy and wants everyone (including me and other adults) to do things her way. She doesn't have real friends and often falls out with children if they won't play “her way.” Her constant arguing, nagging and controlling behavior is wearing me out. She even tries to tell me when I should see my boyfriend!!! How do I change this behavior so that we can live harmoniously??? L. N. Online in Great Britain
A. It sounds like you have put her in the role of "friend" and companion more often than that of daughter. This can easily happen when single moms feel lonely and start to treat their daughters as confidantes. This role is confusing to children; they aren’t mature enough to handle it. And if you have been doing this for years, she thinks she has a right to boss you and treat you like a buddy, not a mom. You need to address this issue now and put a stop to it, for her sake and yours. Let her clearly understand that while her input is appreciated, YOU are the parent and you make the decisions.
There are other ways you can help her understand and change her behavior. One thing you can do is to be very clear about what she can NOT control (like your rules for home and family) and what she CAN control, such as herself and anything original and creative that she does.
When a child feels secure only if they are in control, you need to give them safe and positive avenues for channeling that controlling behavior. This will help lessen their need to boss or manipulate others. Encourage creative writing or journals, creative work with dance, music, and use of clays, paints, crayons and markers. Being in control of open ended media can reduce stress and be of enormous help to her.
As for friends, you need to observe and listen to rediscover her interests and talents. Then search out groups or activities in your community that match. Find groups she can join so she’ll be able to meet other children with like interests. In these types of peer groups she’s likely to find friends who will like her but still stand up to her if necessary. Consider all options from children’s theater to music, sports, crafts, art, Scouts or Girl Guides and 4H.
She also needs to expand her vision of the world and view others with a new perspective, instead of thinking it's all about her and her way of doing things. Get involved in some type of volunteering together, even if it’s occasional. Also try to get her to volunteer in an activity that interests her, such as an animal rescue center. She has lots of energy and needs to learn how to direct it in positive ways. The time you spend on this will be well worth the effort, and will also be in her best long term interest. Apr. 2010
BOYS HAVE JUNK FOOD
Q. Our boys, ages 7 and 9 have terrible eating habits; meals are a nightmare. They eat only junk food, they don’t eat at the table, and they still take an hour to do this. This has gone on since they were two. We have a problem with consistency because our in-laws and a live in housekeeper live with us and everyone has different ideas. I want mealtime be a relaxed, pleasant time when we all eat together and eat a well balanced diet. Help! Paul Online in FL
A. This situation calls for immediate action. You are the head of the household. You must call a family meeting to discuss this with all the adults that live with you. Explain how unhealthy the boys' diet is and how many bad habits and bad manners they are exhibiting. Eating properly is not only a matter of health, but a life skill that includes social skills which your sons are not learning. You can only turn this around by making it clear to everyone that this must STOP.
Brainstorm to develop a plan. Put the plan in writing like a contract, and have them all sign that they agree and will follow through. Include in your plan the list of groceries will and WILL NOT be purchased and available in the house for the boys to eat. Put the list in writing; get agreement. Whomever does the shopping must be aware of the seriousness of this issue.
After this meeting, have another meeting and invite the adults along with the boys. Explain to your sons that terrible eating habits are not in their best interests (state some health and life skills), and that changes WILL be made.
* Explain the new rules and the contract regarding the new grocery list. Ask for their input on groceries if and only if they make nutritious choices.
* Explain that all food will be eaten at the table with at least one adult present to eat or talk with them.
* Explain that they are not allowed to eat at times other than planned snacks and meals, and that no "grazing" or eating in other parts of the house is allowed.
* Explain that you will be serving family style meals, having foods being passed and insisting on good manners. (please, thank you) Eat a regular time, each day.
* The boys must sign the "rules" contract you have designed. If they don't follow the rules, they don't eat. Believe me, they won't starve; they will learn to do what is right and healthy.
* Everyone should sign the rules contract. Everyone should meet again in a week to make any needed changes.
Remember who are the adults in your family and who are the children. As adults, we must take the responsibility of guiding children in ways that serve their best long- term interest. Jan. 2010
OPTIMISM
Q. Can you teach your child to be an optimist? How would you go about it? K.P. Online
A. The best way to help your child learn to be optimistic is to model optimism yourself. Your modeling is powerful! Children, especially young children from birth to age eight, always learn more from what you do than what you say. Children can "catch" your optimism, just as they can "catch" pessimism.
Do you believe you can cope with problems successfully? Do you find challenges interesting? Do you try new things easily? Do you keep your focus on the silver linings instead of the clouds? If you risk and fail at something new, do you see it as a learning experience? Do you wake up and start the day with complaints about the weather, or do you simply modify your plans to fit the weather challenges? Think about what you say and do that can make your children more positive and optimistic.
Here are some other ideas that can help:
· You can play family games together once a week. Just like eating meals together, this helps children feel strongly connected to the family. This foundation provides the security and confidence that optimistic children need.
· Playing games also offers many opportunities to learn to risk and fail in safe ways, helping kids understand that risking and losing can be a positive learning experience.
· Playing games also helps children learn other important life skills such as patience, perseverance and resilience. Optimists hang in there; they don't give up; they bounce back from adversities. Playing family games helps teach that.
· You can use real experiences, books and videos to show children that staying positive and being an optimist often helps people become successful in spite of obstacles. The library and bookstores can help you find books like this for every age child.
· You can look at the web site www.amazing-kids.org to find fabulous stories about how optimism helped kids to keep trying so that they could accomplish special things.
· You can encourage children to take safe and thoughtful risks, such as making a new friend, trying a new recipe, and asking questions or giving opinions in a classroom or group. Optimists aren't afraid to risk trying because they have "I Can" attitudes and also because they accept failures as learning experiences, not self defeating experiences.
· You can show kids that there are many ways to solve problems, and many different answers to a question. Teach them how to turn disadvantages into advantages and lemons into lemonade.
Some children, due to their own innate personalities, may not be as positive as others. Don't give up on them; keep trying to teach optimism. The world needs as many optimists as possible. We need people who say “Yes I can!” and who cope with the "bad stuff" by keeping their focus on the "good stuff" and see "problems" as challenges that are doable. Jan. 2010
FRIENDS OR FREELOADERS?
Q. We’ve had friends for over 20 years who visit us here “up North” with their kids, who are now 13 and 14. Our kids, ages 8 and 10, adore those kids like they are older cousins. We enjoy their company, but it is a ton of work getting the house prepared, buying and making all the food, planning activities, and giving up our privacy for days on end, plus the extra expense! Years ago my girlfriend used to come sans husband, bringing treats and contributing to the grocery expenses. But the last three times they brought nothing, paid for nothing, and also prolonged the weekend visits to four days. This has become a financial burden to us, especially in this economy. We feel we are being used as a “free vacation.” I would never stay four days in someone’s home without helping with groceries or cooking or chores. My husband and I are weary of this, but I don’t want to lose a friend. Worse, as summer approaches, they want to “book” two long weekends with us. How can we resolve this without being offensive? R.E.M Online
A. It’s important to know how to handle this tough and very common “Up North” question in a way that’s both truthful and fair, and in a way your children will fully understand. This impacts the whole family, including them.
You and your spouse have discussed this (without the children) and want to find a tactful way to tell these folks they need to help out and they can only stay 2 nights, not 4. Your children will be watching and listening to your modeling. The way you handle it may teach them that it’s both important and okay to speak the truth to a friend and still be courteous.
You’re worried that your children will be devastated if these people don’t come back. I don’t think so. Consider your children’s ages and the ages of your friend’s children. The age span would not have seemed great in past years, and the children probably played well together. But now your school age kids are not as likely to be interested in hanging out with these older kids; your kids also have close friends of their own now.
Have a family meeting to discuss this. Tell your children that the “right” thing to do when you visit others for a few days is help with the work and the grocery expenses. Remind them that this is even more important now that money doesn’t go as far as it used to go. (Give examples.) It’s good for them to learn some basics about family values and expenses. Tell them you’re figuring out what to say to your downstate friends about this. It will be easier to choose your approach with support and input from your family. The extra work and expense affects ALL of you.
One approach would be to call your old friend and say, ”You know, things have gotten lots harder for all of us financially, don’t you think? Well, we’re going to try to cope by making some “ground rules” for what we can actually afford to do with our leisure time. We’re going to prioritize our own family time this summer, and limit our time with out of town visitors to a few two-day weekends in which we will plan and share the grocery expenses. We’ll also share the cooking and chores among everyone, including the kids. You know, many hands make light work, and it’s still fair to everyone. Please think this over and talk about it. Let us know if you still want to come up to visit this summer under these new conditions.” Apr 2010
FAMILY MEALS AND MANNERS
Q: We recently had 8 and 10 year old children, along with their parents, as guests in our home. The kids ate like animals! They would pick up food with their hands and stuff it in their mouths; the parents said nothing. I also dislike seeing our grandchildren eat at their house in front of the TV on the floor; they seldom join the adults at the table. If they do eat with us, they’re allowed to bring a book and read as they eat!! I try to coach them on table manners, but feel I’m losing the battle. Concerned Grandma Online
A: I agree with you on the current state of family meals and table manners. What amazes me most is that most of our adult children did use good manners at the table when they were growing up...why didn't they pass it on? The main reason is that many of today’s families seldom eat a family meal together, except during the holidays. Eating together and conversing is on of the main ways that people have always passed on their values. And at the same time, the family meal was the venue for parents to model appropriate manners.
Today many parents are not having conversations with their children and each other at a meal; instead everyone “grazes” and gets something to eat on his/her own. A study on family meals and effects on children’s behavior was done in Minnesota a decade ago. It showed that children who eat regular meals with their parents, and converse with them about their day, their interests, current events and their opinions and beliefs are children who have better self esteem, less problems in school, and are less likely to escape their feelings of “unconnectedness” with drugs.
It’s in the children’s own best long-term interest for us older adults to take a stand when we can. We need to urge young parents to start family meal routines as early as possible and explain the reasons why. Even if jobs or school events interfere with dinner plans we must work around these challenges as best we can. We need to make whatever time we have together really count.
Children do need to learn what is expected in society regarding table manners. Talk with your children and tell them that you are going to have more family meals and tell them why. Explain that when children are adults or teens they will need to know how to eat properly with good manners. Knowing how to behave, converse, and eat properly can make a huge difference in getting or keeping a job, and in making or maintaining friendships. Children are not born with good manners or our values; we need to model and teach these things.
When grandchildren are eating with you, with or without their parents, say, "When you are at our house I expect you to eat politely and with good manners. I know you can do this. As we eat together we’ll show you how we do it. We’ll talk to each other while we eat. No books are allowed. Instead we’ll talk about what’s going on in each others’ lives and in the world, and our plans for tomorrow."
Insist that you all eat together at the table. Even babies in high chairs are learning about good table manners when they watch and listen to adults who talk at the table, pass foods and say please and thank you. Mealtime is actually baby's first social event and is very important in the child’s development. Babies and children learn from our modeling; let’s do it right Sept. 2009
ACTIVE PLAY IS VITAL FOR ALL KIDS
Q. I read an article in Good Housekeeping last summer about how kids are developing problems with obesity, diabetes, heart disease, and high blood pressure nowadays because they are inside so much playing video games and watching TV. I’ve seen TV specials dealing with childhood obesity. My grandchildren are already overweight at ages 6 and 8. What can we do about this? Should they go outside more? What if it isn’t safe? Do infants and toddlers need more exercise? Concerned Grandma Online
A. Yes a lack of exercise in children’s lives is a very real problem and the health risks you mentioned are real. One in three of today’s children are overweight and at risk. The dangers do extend to infants and toddlers; early motor delays are rising. (More about infants and exercise next week.)
When we were young many children rode bikes to school or walked. After school the first thing we did was go outside and play with other kids. We had no video games and played outdoors on the weekend. In addition, all the parents in that neighborhood kept an eye out to see that we did not get in trouble and called our own moms if we misbehaved. It was a very different kind of world than it is today.
Now most kids have long bus rides to school, parents in a neighborhood make little effort to know each other, we worry about child molesters, and most moms opt to have the kids indoors watching TV or using videos instead of going out for fresh air and exercise. It doesn’t have to be that way; there ARE things we can do to address this problem and have healthy, active children. Make a New Year’s resolution to do this!
Active play helps children’s circulation and boosts BRAIN power as well as physical skills and bone and muscle strength. Several studies, as mentioned in that Good Housekeeping article have indicated that children who play outdoors are smarter, calmer, more self disciplined and happier. What parent wouldn’t want that? Here are some tips from the article about erasing barriers to outdoor play. It is worth the effort.
* Lessen video and TV time and set up a daily outdoor play time.
* Make boundary rules about where and how long your children can play outside, whether it’s only in your yard or some times in a neighbor’s yard. Use cell phones if possible to check in with each other.
* Meet your neighbors and agree to keep an eye on each other’s kids and communicate by text messages or phone.
* Set up an “outdoor time” two days a week when you all agree to send kids out to play with each other.
* Upgrade the play space in your back yard and add a kids garden, tree house, fort, etc.
Most important, get outdoors yourself at least twice a week to play with your kids. Jan 2009
DAD WANTS A TOUGH 6 YEAR OLD
Q. We have a 6 year old son who is sensitive and cries easily. My husband believes in "tough love" and tells our son to “just toughen up.” He also "teases" him so he’ll “get used to” teasing and sarcastic remarks. He calls him a “Goof” and worse. I know our son is sensitive but I don't think telling him to toughen up is the right thing to do. It makes him feel he can't express his feelings. If our son cries, my husband yells that he needs to be thick skinned and stop it, and I stay calm and attend to his feelings. Is there no compromise? T.L. Online
A. Your husband should go back in time and remember what it was like to be a six year old! It’s totally unrealistic to expect his son to be a thick-skinned “macho man” at age six. It’s my experience that “macho men” have developed a thick skin only after many years of pain and the constant effort to pretend to be tough, no matter what. (By the way, your spouse should Google “Tough Love”; what he’s doing is not tough love.)
Your spouse needs to know that children this age don’t understand sarcasm, and won’t understand it until they are about eight or older. When your husband says sarcastic things, even if he doesn’t mean them, the words will be believed and make his son feel worthless and unloved. This is certainly not the way to make him feel confident, strong or able to fight his own battles.
Your husband wants him to be tough? Well to be a “real man,” he needs to feel strong and loved and brave and know that his mom and dad care about him. He won't feel that way if someone criticizes him or puts him down. No adult would feel good about it either.
If your husband wants to help him, he needs to stop the "put down" attitude and do something constructive with the boy. He could get him into a sport, or teach him to play ball, or to be a good swimmer or runner. He could get him into Scouts. He could take him to sport events for fun, or to parks where there are activity challenges appropriate for six year olds. Your son also needs praise for getting good grades and for having good study habits.
A child of six needs to know that he can tell his parents anything and everything. He needs to know that it's okay to have feelings and to tell mom and dad about any of them, whether they are sad or happy or angry. Six is a fantastic age to get a really good relationship going with your child before he starts to be overly influenced by others. If you waste this window of opportunity with negative communication, you’ll regret it later. Start developing that positive relationship NOW. Feb. 2009
HOW TO COPE WITH KIDS’ CONSTANT BICKERING
Q. We have 5 children, ranging 4-10 - the oldest two are girls and are rude and disrespectful - not to me, because thankfully they know better - but the squabbling between the two of them is ridiculous. The 10 year old fights constantly (it seems like every waking moment) with the 9 year old and says she is annoyed by "everything". Please HELP! D.D. Online
A. We went through that with our two girls who are a year apart for many years. They are now in their 40’s and are able to get along and even go out together occasionally, but they are so very different in personality from each other that they probably won't ever have a tight bond. That is simply something I needed to accept. I remember having to leave the room or the house sometimes to avoid the bickering...getting into it with them usually made it worse. I even went to a psychic for help. She told me something that really helped me and maybe it will help you too.
Good parents think they can teach all the lessons of life to their kids, and they try, but actually, some must be learned by the kids themselves. She said that the girls would need to learn tolerance and compromise and negotiation and letting go of the need to "win", as well as the necessary skill to confront another person when necessary (assertively not aggressively). They will learn this on their own through these disagreements and fights. I could not teach these things; they had to experience it personally.
She said that in the future these girls and most other kids will have to perhaps live with and certainly work with people they may not like, or have much in common with. These sibling arguments done within the safety of the home are the ways they learn and prepare for the future. See your home as a practice ground for life skills, not a battle ground. When I did this, it helped.
Here are some other tips that will help. Give them "alone time" with you, taking turns so that each have some private conversations and shared space with you. Encourage each child's own interests and own friends. Don't keep pushing them to be really close friends; they probably won’t be able to do that now, if ever. Accept that each one is unique and loveable and competent in her own way. Good luck. Jan. 2009
LISTENING AND FOLLOWING DIRECTIONS ARE LIFE SKILLS
Q. We just got back from a teacher conference...Our son’s report card showed he was exceeding in areas such as math and reading; however, the teacher was concerned about his following directions. This is something that I have noticed myself when asking him to explain what we just covered or getting him to focus on a project. He acts bored, as if I'm bothering him. It was suggested that we keep a notebook of when he is working on a task, and note how long he can work or do something without getting distracted. The teacher is going to do the same. He doesn't follow directions well but when he finally knows what he is supposed to do, he completes it. I get frustrated with him when I am trying to explain the directions, but I don't want him to get left behind in school. I know that the teacher can't spend the day working with him one on one. I guess my question is...how can I work with him to develop better listening skills? And how concerned should I be? C.H. Online
A. You do need to be concerned; listening and following directions is a life skill he will need in the future, both in all the school years and in the working world. The teacher has a good plan and you can do that same thing at home to help him. But my concern is that you did not mention, praise or rewards, and neither did the teacher. PRAISE is your best bet to help motivate him to do better, and give him praise for any improvement, even if it’s small.
Get some gold stars and put them on the calendar for each day when he does well at following directions or completing a task. You may even put more than one star on for a day he does extra well. After he has earned 5 or 6 stars reward him with letting him choose the dessert or a weekend activity doing something special with you. It should be something that is meaningful to him. You will know best what is meaningful as a reward.
When you give directions, do it slowly and only give one direction at a time. And yes, have him repeat it back to you. Better yet, also write down what you want him to do in a simple short sentence on a postnote. He can turn in the note to you when he completes the task.
You should also share these ideas with the teacher, especially if you can see improvement at home. The teacher should praise him and reward him in some simple way at school when he does better, like letting him being the leader, etc.
It might also be a good idea to check his hearing. This may be something as simple as a hearing problem or an auditory perceptual problem. It would not hurt to check it out. Feb. 2009
CELL PHONES AND KIDS
Q. We have boys ages five and 12. The younger one wants a cell phone; we said no. The older boy’s always on the cell he got last year, texting his buddies. We are always paying monthly overage fees. We like the safety aspect of cells, but we’re starting to think cell phones for young kids is a bad idea. Comments? K. P. Online.
A. I agree. He just wants one because brother has one. Most fives are far too young take on the responsibility of not breaking or losing the phone or dropping it accidentally in the toilet or a mud puddle. Fives have many important things to learn this year, about school, friends and literacy, math and science. Why complicate things for yourselves.
A recent Nielsen survey revealed on average that kids get their first cell phones between the ages of 10 and 11, mostly due to parents’ concerns for safety. But it takes more than a phone to be safe; you actually need to teach your child ways to stay safe. A 2007 poll by MSN found that 47% of parents believed that children should be in high school before owning a cell. The parents I’ve asked locally (at random) say no earlier than 12 or 13 depending on how responsible the child is.
Responsibility is truly the crux of the matter. It’s not the cell phones that are the problem; it’s the way they’re used that causes problems. Yes, calling each other quickly is convenient. But we’ve been able to call each other for years, without cell phones. And your child can still choose not to call you, or not tell you the truth about where he is. Kids generally use cells as social tools, not for safety. The point is that you still need to teach your child to be responsible in the use of that phone, or whatever else you give him.
A phone is a privilege, and a privilege should always come hand in hand with responsibility. Your son is abusing the privilege of his phone and you are paying for that abuse. Simply take the phone away if he won’t learn to use it wisely. Let him earn the right to get it back by doing extra chores for a number of weeks.
If he earns the right, teach him to call regularly to confirm current minutes used and stick to his time budget. Break out how many minutes a week can be used. Learning to budget is a life skill he needs to learn anyway! Yes, you can program a cell to block the Net, camera, texting, and you can pay locator service and insurance fees. But isn’t it more important for him to learn to use his privilege responsibly?
Your son may also want the newest Nintendo. Later he will want a car or a checking account and a debit card. Start now to teach him that responsibility and accountability comes right along with all these privileges. June 2009
SEVEN YEAR OLD CRIES AND QUITS
Q. We have a 9 yr old boy and a 7 year- old daughter. I always felt I knew what I was doing with our son, but I usually haven't a clue with our daughter. She’s basically a good girl who is happy and well loved. But often she has these frustrating fits of crying! She’ll break into tears and give you an excuse for them. When we respond with a rationale, she comes up with another excuse and it goes on and on. It’s generally about how something isn’t working for her (friends, family, sports team, etc) She just wants to quit whatever it is and cry. The fit is much worse if her dad or I are within eyesight. How do we stop the crying fits, and how do we stop her from quitting? This is one phase We're not growing out of this phase. Please help! K.M.
A. This is unusual for a seven year old...usually they are cooperative and want to participate with peers in activities and are beginning to have self confidence. If she is overextended, however, she may be trying to give you a message! She wouldn’t want to disappoint you by saying she doesn’t want to do these things. Maybe the excuses are masking the real problem. Maybe she’s just trying these things to please you but then simply cannot handle the stress.
As parents we often think our kids just love being busy with extra activities, but many kids simply are not ready for that or don’t have the energy or temperament for it. Consider what she wants instead of what you want for her. When school starts many parents just schedule their kids into so many things it boggles the mind. Sometimes the kids are with other adults so much they are learning their values from them instead of their own family. Think about that.
Be sure that she is physically ok and that there is nothing medical that could be impacting her behavior. Then evaluate her activities to be sure she REALLY likes them and that they are not too hard or too stressful. If she gets to choose an activity based on her interests and talents, arrange for just that ONE thing and ask her to stick with it...Be sure to invite the other kids over that participate in this to fortify resolve and new friendships.
Teach her to ask sincere questions and give sincere compliments to others. This helps to make friends, just as does using others' first names and smiling. She should give at least one sincere compliment to another person each day.
She may have a tendency to be self-absorbed and you do not want this to get worse! (Imagine a self-absorbed teen) So as she gets older have her do volunteer work to learn more about the world and others in it outside herself. This will be very important for her. You might also have a meeting with her teacher to see how she acts in a classroom and what insight the teacher can give you. Sept 2009
FAMILY GAMES – TRADITION TEACHES WHAT KIDS NEED TO KNOW
Q. Our kids have been asking us to start playing board games together. We used to do this all the time as kids and it was really fun and didn’t cost money. We would all get together and play, eat and laugh. But our four kids are ages 5 to 12. Will their different ages matter? And will they learn as much from playing games with us as they would from playing video games? H. and B. Online
A. They will learn way more important things from playing real time games with you than they will from video games. It’s something like the difference between cuddling a toddler on your lap and telling them the story of the Three Bears in your own special style before bed, instead of putting them to bed with a CD recording of the story.
They learn about who you really are as a person and they learn you can have fun with them and that you love them. A CD cannot give them that.
No matter how many brainwashing ads companies do about skills learned from video games, research proves that children learn more from hands on experience with people to people games and activities than from computer or video games.
Taking time to play family games is a very economical pastime and it will also restore a family tradition. You’ll all have fun and it will help your kids learn life skills as well as educational skills. Most games do focus on particular educational skills like math, spelling, vocabulary, logical thought, memory, record keeping, money management, and even spatial relationships and balance.
But when children play games they are also learning many other things that parents want them to know. Family games teach children patience and perseverance as they learn to wait their turns, wait for a particular card, or come back from a loss. They learn to finish the game, sticking it out to the end, whether they win or lose. And they learn to win or lose graciously.
They learn to cooperate, be honest, play fair, evaluate situations, use critical thinking and strategy. They also learn to make choices for which they must accept the consequences. Accepting the consequences of your choices…being responsible for them…is a vitally
important life skill. Best of all, no one has to work at “teaching“ all this. It happens naturally while you are having fun together.
Your children’s age range won’t be a problem. You can always modify a game to suit your family. Set a time limit instead of points to end a game, or use only larger denominations of play money. Let a younger child have a mentor/partner to help as needed with reading, counting and record keeping, and rotate the partner among family members when you start a new game.
Playing games together gives children “roots” and a feeling of “connectedness” with the family; it helps them get to know each other as people. It nurtures communication and family bonds that will last a lifetime. Try it, you’ll all love it. July 2009
TEACHING THE PICKUP AND HELP OUT HABITS
Q. My son goes from one thing to another without cleaning up after himself. I frequently have to remind him to clean up something, throw something away, put something away, turn something off, or close something. I'm tired of nagging. How can I help him change and reduce my frustration? K.N. Online
A. I don't know how old your son is, or how long he’s had these habits. But one thing's for sure, you must put a stop to this now, in his own best interests as well as yours. If he’s a preschooler, a good preschool with appropriate freedom within limits and a focus on responsible behavior, like a Head Start program, would help him (and you) tremendously. If he is in school already, it’s possible that he may have a problem with focus and attention. When you are sure there are no physical problems or special needs like hearing or vision, work with him on changing these bad habits. (If he’s a teen address this NOW and quickly.)
He needs to be motivated to make changes, just like the rest of us. We are only willing to make changes in our behavior when we see that something good comes from our effort. So what is important to your son? What does he love to do? The things he likes could be rewards for his effort to try to change some of these habits. Praise him and reward him with your attention or little things he loves for ANY improvement.
Don't try to fix everything at once! Start small and work on one or two things at a time. If he’s seven or eight and can understand what a contract is, you could try one. Here is an example. If he remembers to put away each thing he uses between the hours of 4 pm and 8 pm he can get a gold star on the calendar. When he earns 3 stars he can have a reward.
Also make your rules or expectations VERY clear to him. Sit down and talk about it and make a list to put up on the refrigerator. If he is preschooler age he should have a short list with only three goals or tasks. When he becomes successful at these tasks you might want to add a few more. Older children could have a list of five or six goals or tasks. Use the same method.
Put up small signs or posters as reminders in places where he needs reminders. In the bathroom, make a picture poster with a few words that tell him to wash his hands or hang up the towel, or put dirty clothes in the hamper. In the bedroom or playroom he needs need bins or boxes for his toys and these should be labeled with pictures and words for what goes inside. Put another sign up by the place he needs to hang up his coat. Praise him for using these visual cues to do better and to change his behavior.
Try to find the book by Elizabeth Crary (Parenting Press, Inc, Seattle WA about $12) called "Pick Up Your Socks...and Other Skills Growing Children Need!" If it’s still be in print It’s an EXCELLENT guide for this problem. Check with your library, the publisher, and amazon.com Nov. 2009
PROCRASTINATING IS A BAD HABIT
Q. Our 7 year old son is rather serious and intelligent but lacks motivation and perseverance. He has the knowledge to be exceptional, yet he’d rather watch television. He’s taking guitar lessons and grasps everything the teacher tells him but he won't practice. The teacher thinks it would be a mistake if he quits. I hate to force things on him but if I let him quit out of laziness, will quitting become a habit? L.E.S. Online
A. It’s wise to remember that you are the one responsible for teaching your child to make choices in his own best long-term interest. This responsibility includes choices of behavior. All the choices he is making right now are creating patterns of behavior. Think about the long range consequences of these behaviors.
Next think about the skills he needs to have in order to be successful in the future. You need to remember that love means extending yourself for another's growth...and that kind of parental love is not always easy for a parent. But growth for your child is his long-term best interest. Your son can’t see that big picture but YOU can see it if you try.
He’s old enough to talk with you about the fact that you want to teach him to make good choices in his best long term interest. He is old enough to understand your examples about real life and life skills. Someday he will need to be able to work on his own, maintain persistence in finishing tasks, and be proud of his accomplishments.
This will be true in both school and adult life. Adults have jobs and they do them before they read, relax or watch television. Adults have to accept delayed gratification. In the real world you don't get what you want when you want it most of the time. You need to wait for what you want, and usually you have to work toward a goal before you achieve it.
Your son needs to start learning that habit now. You may think it’s a small thing, but when you let him watch TV before he gets his homework done or practices guitar, you’re teaching him the habit of instant gratification and laziness about his responsibilities. Letting him quit guitar instead of working at it and being proud of will just encourage him to continue negative behaviors that will not help him in the future.
When you say you “hate to force things on him,” you may just be making excuses to avoid your own job of helping your child to grow as a person. Guitar lessons are a privilege not a chore...and you are paying real money to let him have that privilege; many children would love to have that opportunity. Explain to your son that real life is about both privileges and responsibilities. He needs to know that no matter what the privilege, responsibility goes hand in hand with it.
Also try to find him other activities where he will meet and work with peers who have like interests and talents. If he is busy with interesting things that challenge his mind and body, like 4H, Scouts, sports, nature, etc. he will have less time to waste watching TV and will learn life skills in the process. Oct. 2009
BE PREPARED FOR SCHOOL CONFERENCES
Q: Our parent conference is coming up soon. Usually I just go and listen to what the teacher has to say about our son, but then I always leave feeling unsatisfied. This time I want my husband to go too. I think his perspective may differ from mine and with both of us there the discussion would be better, and more valuable to the teacher and to us. He may ask different questions too. What are some ways we can be better prepared for this parent teacher conference? K. P. Online
A: I totally agree that your husband needs to attend and give his input and perspective; it is just as valuable as yours. Remember that what you have to say as parents is just as important as what the teacher has to say. YOU are the experts on your own child. The purpose of parent-teacher conferences is to share information that will help the teacher do the best job of planning and teaching your child. It should be a two-way conversation and team effort, not a one way stream of communication from the teacher to you.
You know your son best. Both of you should jot down some notes about what you think the teacher needs to know about your son’s learning style, interests, personality, talents and strengths. Compare your notes, and then put a summary on your computer and make a printout to leave with the teacher. This information will help the teacher understand what interests your child and what makes him eager to learn.
Before the conference, write down your own questions in priority order. Your time will be short so be specific. Examples: Does he get along with others? Does he complete tasks in a timely manner? How does the teacher assess his progress? Is there a portfolio of samples of your son’s work? Are there any health problems or family issues you need to share? Does your son have anything he wants you to bring up? Now here are some tips for the actual conference:
Listen carefully to what the teacher says, jotting down your questions.
Ask the questions you brought and any new ones you have.
Tell the teacher things about your son that you know are important to his learning style and motivation, including his talents and interests. (Leave the printout.) This is the only way your son’s teacher will get this information!
Tell the teacher your son’s concerns if he has shared any.
If there are any problems, brainstorm ways to help at home and school, including the types of praise and reinforcement that you both will use.
Leave your home and work phone numbers and exchange email addresses. Plan to meet again if necessary. Be sure you know who to go to at the school if you need help or cooperation beyond the classroom teacher.
When you get home, talk in a positive way with your child about the conference. Oct 2009
CLASS CLOWN HAS POTENTIAL
Our bright, active middle school boy has had discipline problems in school for years. It’s usually just fooling around, talking, and making wisecracks. He likes to be the comedian at middle school. He often makes wisecracks to both parents and step parents, who all get along extremely well. What’s the best way to improve his behavior? Robert, Online
Since you all get along well as parents and step parents, sharing the problem can be an advantage. Get together and brainstorm ways to deal with it. You all know him well and should be able to come up with strategies that build on his good traits or strengths.
Nagging and lecturing does not work well at all with this age group. Get a couple of books from your library about preadolescents and their behavior. Think positively about his talents and interests and use these as jumping off places.
Perhaps he could start a comedy club at his school. Get him some videos of our best comics to study. See what other talents he might pursue to keep busy and out of trouble like scouts, 4H, sports, chess, music and art.
Comics are above all, very creative people. Find other ways for him to create. If art or music are not an option, creative writing may be a possibility. If he doodles or draws he could start learning about and trying out cartooning. He may also do very well in a drama club or in your community theater. Nov. 2008
DISORGANIZED, GIFTED SECOND GRADER
Q. I am a former second grade teacher, writing about your column in which a mother wrote about her disorganized, but gifted, second grader. I agree with your response that his teacher needed to give him extra work based on his interests and that it’s unlikely he is ADD.
But I wonder if we could take some time now to encourage the child’s mother to examine some of her own behaviors to see if there’s room for improvement at home. For example, the teacher is concerned about him blurting out answers in class and being disruptive. At home, is he allowed to interrupt adult conversations at the dinner table, on the phone, or while his parent is visiting with another adult? If he interrupts, does his mother stop her conversation, ask him what he wants, and attend to his wants before continuing her conversation? Or does she explain to him that she is conversing and he must wait his turn without interrupting? This uncorrected "interrupting” behavior at home could explain why he blurts out answers at school.
Regarding his losing items and forgetting to bring items to and from school, have his parents instituted consequences for those actions, and are they consistently carrying them out? If he forgets his field trip form, does his parent or teacher bail him out by getting or giving permission to attend over the phone? Or does he have to miss the field trip because he forgot to get his form signed?
If he forgets to bring supplies from home to make an art project at school, is he allowed to make it with extra supplies that the teacher has on hand, or is he not allowed to make it? He should be reminded that these are consequences he brought on himself. If he forgets to bring home an assignment or to return an assignment to school, is he consistently punished for doing so?
Punishment for a second grader should be a logical consequence that matches his development. A meaningful consequence would be missing watching TV for the evening or not getting to play his favorite video game, or having to go to his room instead of playing outside. Are these consequences being carried out at home by the parents? And before he goes to bed, are they gently reminding him that they're sorry he had to accept the consequences of forgetting, but they hope he won't forget again.
My grandchildren are learning these same things. I watched my younger sister raise her gifted children without any consequences for forgetting important things, and now I'm watching her total frustration as they are in middle school, bringing home Ds and Fs for failure to complete/return homework. This mother will save herself many heartaches down the road if she corrects these problems now.
Gloria J. Online
A. Your interesting and instructive letter is full of excellent strategies for parents, and for teachers who are working with parents to improve children’s progress. I am glad to share it with my readers today. Nov. 2008
A GIFTED OR PROBLEM CHILD?
Q. Our second grade boy is very bright and is always the first one to complete his work at school. He’s reading at advanced levels and his test scores are very high. He’ll be in the gifted and talented program at our school next year. His problem is his organization skills. He is constantly losing things and forgetting to bring items to or from school that should be routine by this time in the school year. His teacher has also expressed concern about him blurting out answers in class and says that he’s disruptive. They asked for the school counselor to come and observe my son for a day and track his behavior. I think they’re thinking he’s ADD although they’ve never said it. Isn’t it possible that he doesn’t have ADD and I just have an over enthusiastic but disorganized second grader who is a little bored? Confused Mom Online
A. Perhaps you should also have the opportunity, just like the counselor, to visit and observe your son in the classroom and take notes all day. This is your right, whether it is a private or a public school. Then you can compare your observations and perceptions with the counselor and staff.
Personally, I think your son may just be impatient about waiting for the others, and not an ADD child. It would take not only observations, but neurological testing to be certain. But we know that his tests are high, and that the school has already determined that he will be in the gifted and talented class next year. If so, he’s already gifted now, he won’t simply become gifted next year when he is in that class.
The current teacher, therefore, should be individualizing her teaching with him based on these findings. He must like reading and would profit by doing extra assignments based on personal reading and study of a topic that would interest him. There may be ways he can also help other children in the class. It is probable that the gifted class teacher he will have next year could give the current teacher other ideas on ways to work with your son.
At home you can help him with his organization problem. For example, get him to get his clothes and all the things he must take to school ready the night before. Make a checklist, post it, and let him check off all the things he needs to set out at bedtime on school nights. This will help him get ready and leave in the morning without rushing.
He should also have a short checklist at school to look at before he comes home each day. Laminate it and have him keep it in his lunchbox or pocket or right on the wall of the locker where his coat is. Other things that can help include the organization of his room. Many types of boxes, shelves, etc. are available to sort and organize a child's room. Keep his after school schedule as consistent as possible; take time for daily active play. Sept 2008
SEVEN YEAR OLD DREAMER DOESN'T PAY ATTENTION
Q. We are perplexed by our 7yr old son’s behavior. Though he is quite active in sports and good in his studies, once at home he wants to spend his time alone either watching TV or reading any book. His behavior towards his brother is fine (they both fight, they both play), but our concern is his inattention. He has to be told repeatedly … brush your teeth, finish your milk or food, get ready to go, complete your homework, do your chores. We have to repeat ourselves starting from the time he gets up till the time he goes to bed. We do not like pestering him like this but without it he just ignores us. When we talk he appears to turn deaf. If we try to counsel or discuss it with him he just stares at us, and we don't know if he is getting even one percent of what we said. Frustrated Dad Online
A. What you must do first is find out if there is any type of physical problem. Rule that out so you can proceed with other options. Take him to the doctor for a plain old check up and a hearing test. Many children, especially boys, have blockage in the tubes inside the ears which does not necessarily cause pain but does interfere with proper hearing. Explain why you are taking him to the doctor; that should also get his attention. He should know that there is a problem and you want to work on it, whatever it is.
You also need to talk with him about your concern that he is not paying attention when you ask him to do something. Explain exactly how that makes you feel...ignored, not valued, not respected as a person, we feel sick, we get headaches, etc. (It's a lot more than being angry or frustrated. He needs to know exactly how his behavior affects you.) Ask him if he can help by working with you to figure out ways to address this problem.
Work together on some visual cues that will get his full attention. (Signs, cartoon cue cards, small bell, flashing lights off and on) Also have him repeat (and/or even write down) the job or task that he is to do. And give him only one direction at a time, not an entire list of things.
Your son is probably well balanced and bright. But he may be somewhat of a dreamer. Maybe he continues to think or daydream for some time, even after you start talking to him or directing him. So get some verbal feed back from him every time you say a sentence or two.
Maybe you should also try to find out what he’s thinking and dreaming about when he gets that blank look. Dreamers have made lots of difference in the world, but they need to also know how to focus and stay on track. Sept. 2008
