Note to Readers: I have been researching recent studies about sleep deprivation in school children and teens and the terrible toll this takes on children’s brain development. I want to share this information with my readers; please take it seriously and pass it on to other parents.
According to surveys by the National Sleep Foundation, 90 percent of parents actually think their children are getting enough sleep. Down deep, the kids know otherwise. Their school performance reflects the truth. 60 percent of high schoolers report extreme daytime sleepiness. Over 25 percent fall asleep in class and 25 percent report their grades have dropped.
The truth is that half of all adolescents get less than seven hours of sleep on weeknights. By the time they are seniors that number is closer to 6.5 hours. Only 5% of seniors get 8 hours. Sure we remember being tired at school, but our stress and activities were far less demanding than those of today’s kids.
It has been documented that children today from elementary school through high school get at least one hour less sleep each night than they did 30 years ago. Causes? Overscheduling, burdensome homework, lax parental rules about bedtime, cell phones in the bedroom, etc. Now that we know more about the cost to the child of losing that hour of sleep; we can no longer ignore the problem.
The child’s brain is not fully developed just because they start attending school are learning to read. Most parents relax bedtime rules when kids go to school, when actually they should do the opposite. The truth is this: The child’s brain development is a work in progress that is not complete until age 21! Worse, most of the actual developmental work of the brain actually takes place during sleep when connections are made and the right and left sides of the brain work together. Just as we need sleep to heal, the child’s brain needs sleep so that the developmental work can be done. This means the loss of sleep has a far greater impact on children and teens than it does on adults.
Specific things that are affected are the coordination of thoughts to fulfill a goal, the prediction of outcomes or “executive function”, (causing unwise and sometimes dangerous decisions) and the ability to perceive the consequences of actions. Just imagine a teen with sleep deprivation driving a car, and also talking on a cell phone or texting…an accident waiting to happen. (Google “sleep deprivation in teens and adolescents” for current articles and information.)
Please note that these sleep deprivation habits don’t just start happening in the elementary school or teen years. These bad sleep habits probably began when children were toddlers. I receive many letters from parents who say they have “trouble getting their kids to go to sleep at night”. I beg to differ. With no exceptions, the problem these parents have had is that they never set a consistent bedtime for their children nor had a daily bedtime routine. They never said NO it is time to put away the toys now and get ready for bed. They never insisted that “Bedtime is 8:30 and that’s that.” Parents cannot let babies, toddlers and preschoolers wander about and stay up all hours with them as if they were companions. Young children need 10-12 hours of sleep in the early years. At age 5 they still need 8-9 hours and over 5 they need every bit of 8 hours. Parents! Wake up and take responsibility! Make sure your children, no matter what their ages, are NOT sleep deprived. Children need sleep; this is a health and development issue that can affect them for life, and it certainly will affect parents as well. APRIL 2012
WE ALL NEED PRAISE, APPROAL AND SELF ESTEEM
Q. My 14 year old daughter always seems so confident. I’ve never worried about her self esteem…she has good grades, creative abilities, friends and enjoys extra curricular school activities. But on television recently they mentioned a serious problem among many young teen girls. They’re going online and sending out pictures of themselves, asking complete strangers if they are pretty or not! This is really scary and it’s also dangerous! How can I find out if my daughter’s done this? I’m afraid to ask. Worried Mom Online
A. It’s not always a good thing that technology gives us the ability to communicate with anyone and everyone. This kind of communication is a privilege, but it seems that parents and society in general have not tried to find a way to ensure that all privileges go hand in hand with responsibility.
Yes, this trend is real. You might bring up the subject by telling your daughter you saw this issue discussed on one of the morning shows and ask what she thinks about it. Then ask if any of her friends do this? Yes, you can and should talk about the very real dangers of online predators looking for insecure or vulnerable children. Even worse, teens who ask for approval of their looks are perfect targets for online bullies who can devastate them with nasty replies.
But the real problem is WHY does this happen? We can’t just lecture about the dangers; we need to understand and deal with the reasons for this behavior in order to prevent it from happening. We need to understand that true self esteem is not based on the way we look, but based on our inner feelings about ourselves.
We need to feel capable, worthwhile, or competent, but we also need to feel lovable…lovable for just being, not for achieving a single thing. Both of these feelings, feeling capable and feeling loveable, must be nurtured in our children to give them a strong and well balanced self image. Moreover, we need to do this, not only when they are cute little preschoolers, but right on to adulthood.
Think about your own childhood and self image, and then think about right now. Don’t we continue to need approval throughout life for both being capable and also for just being loveable? And what if that doesn’t happen for us? Won’t we try to compensate or make up for what’s missing? Same goes for teens.
Don’t just praise your child’s achievements or competence; he/she needs to feel important for a sense of humor, for persistence and resilience, for a sense of fairness and honesty, for an appreciation of beauty, for an ability to listen to others and perceive beyond the words, for a generosity of spirit, for curiosity, for the willingness to try and the courage to risk. These are traits based on the uniqueness and “loveable ness” of each child.
When our kids are little they got lots of praise, mostly for achievements. But we often forget to keep praising them after they are in grade school. Even though WE continue to need praise, (often for being loveable) somehow we think they don’t need it. Then we wonder why they go online to ask someone else for approval. Don’t stop! Keep on telling them, in many ways, even when they roll their eyes at you, that they are both loveable and capable. March 2012
THE “EVERYBODY’S DOING IT” EXCUSE
Q. My “tween” is always saying “Everybody does it” or “Everybody says it.” I know this is an excuse to try to get her own way or get things she wants. But I’m really getting tired of hearing it. Where does this end? Frustrated Mom
A. It ends only when you don’t cave in to her pleas and you put a stop to it. Think about that “everybody” excuse. Did you ever ask her for the numbers, as in exactly who or how many or which of her friends are doing this or saying this or wearing that? Try talking to her about facts versus exaggeration. Then talk about how you hope she will be true to her own values and yours, and not just follow along after others like a sheep whenever a fad or trend appears.
Aren’t there some things she would NOT do just because everybody does it? Ask her for examples. Tell her to really think about whether or not she wants others (including the television and other media) to pressure her into choices that may not be good ones. We don’t have to do what “Everybody” does. (BTW Google “The Lemming Condition” which is a fabulous little book by Alan Arkin. It‘s a great example of what happens if you always do what “Everybody” does.)
Other “Everybody” excuses that parents need to shoot down:
“Everybody” comes home whenever they want to. They don’t have a curfew.
I want a car! “Everybody” drives to school now instead of using the bus.
Of course it is ok to have sex (or drink or do drugs)…“Everybody” does it.
I watched a recent television morning show and saw Adam Mansbach, the author of “Go the F…K to Sleep” defend his use of profanity in the book and on the cover “Because EVERYBODY talks that way today…we hear it on television in movies in music …it’s normal current behavior.” He says the book is “a parody of a child’s book for adults.” Well, the kids see it too. Another book mentioned was “If You Give the Kid a Cookie Will He Shut the F…k Up?” This one has the subtitle “A Parody for Adults.” Both books, however, perpetuate the belief that profanity is ok and normal.
I disagree. This is not the way “everybody” talks in day to day conversations. Profanity is used in day to day conversations by a relatively small minority. When we call this “normal,” we are condoning it and escalating the problem. It’s not normal. It is praises profanity and allows kids to think it’s ok and funny to be rude. When I called our Horizon book store the manager agreed, but also said that book stores have to stock what sells and these are currently best sellers. On the other hand, she said, “Talking this way is not cool, nor is it a sign of intelligence; it is just plain bad manners.” I totally agree.
I hope my readers will notice one more very important point. When you say “everybody” does something, it means that NO ONE has to take responsibility for their behavior! (How convenient.) And that’s an even bigger problem with both today’s children and adults. February 2012
TALK LESS; LISTEN MORE
Q. It seems that our kids don’t talk with us as much as they did when they were in the early school years. How can we get more communication going? We want to be sure that they know we care and would be able to help, but it almost seems like even when they look “down” or unhappy they would rather not tell us about it. J.D. Downstate Dad
A. Sometimes preteens and teens would rather we would do more listening than talking. They won’t tell you this, but they are usually afraid that if they start to talk you will stop listening and jump in with your ideas and solutions. I think we don’t even realize how much we “talk at them” instead of listening to them.
Some years ago a study was done that showed that 90 % of the conversation of the parents in the families being studied was directions or instructions about what to do or questions about why something was not done. That seems pretty astounding, but if you think about it, you may start to question your own communication mode.
Try to tape record your own conversations for one evening…for example at mealtime or in the family room. We did this once in our dining room at supper time and it was really an eye opener. You would be amazed at how often we parents are in the telling and asking mode, instead of a listening mode. Here are some tips that may help in getting better conversations going with your kids. Consider making it a New Year’s resolution.
Never forget what you were like as a child.
Talk less; listen more. Do NOT interrupt or over react.
Value your child’s opinion, even when it differs from yours.
Be ready to listen anytime and anywhere, even if it’s inconvenient. (It often will be.)
Avoid heated confrontations; call a time out and wait to discuss a tough issue when everyone is calm.
Give the kids a complete and fair hearing regarding issues and opinions, and ask the same of them when it’s your turn to speak.
Say it with love. Even if you don’t use words, you can show affection with expression and touch.
Remember that your kids have a lot more to worry about these days than you did at their age.
Your long-range goal is to be friends with your kids when they grow up. Friends make time to listen and talk to each other, and to laugh and have fun together. Jan 2011
BULLYING
Q. I was really shocked at the two Fact Finder Reports on Bullying that were on our local television channel last week. They asked if we thought bullying is actually on the rise or if people are just more aware of it. What do you think? Is there anything we do to help, even if our own kids are all grown up. Grandma K. Online
A. I that bullying is escalating because of increased stress. When kids are stressed they act out and may bully. When parents are stressed, they get so busy with their own problems they don’t pay any attention to what their kids are feeling or doing. This is a child safety and well being issue we cannot ignore. The more we know the more ways we will find to help stop bullying.
I saw the Fact Finder Reports and also read the online posts of parents sharing their own stories. I was surprised at the number of parents who transferred their children (of many different ages) to other schools because they were getting no effective assistance in protecting their kids. To be more aware of this issue and ways to address it, go to upnorthlive.com and read the stories.
We also need to teach our children that bullying is not just the bully’s problem. Yes, bullys need to see that their actions can have tragic consequences. But it’s also just as vital that the rest of us…both kids and adults… speak up against harassment and bullying wherever or whenever we see it.
We need to make sure that kids of all ages in our own circles of family and friends realize that if we “ignore” bullying or pretend we don’t see it, we are actually giving that bully permission to continue harassment. If you don’t say No, you are really saying Yes. If just one or two children step up to the bat and say “Stop that.” more will join them. Ostracizing the bullys instead of playing up to them will work.
It is also important for our school districts to follow the mandate of the MI Board of Education and have a comprehensive, written policy on bullying that contains effective strategies. I strongly suggest that readers go to the state department of education website at michigan.gov/mde Scroll down the left margin to click Board of Education. Then click on Policies and you will be able to read the “Polices on Bullying” (2001) and the “Model Anti Bullying Policy” (2006). All school districts in every state have this sort of information online at their webistes.
For example you can also go online to the Michigan Model for Health Curriculum (or the curriculum models for any state) and see how bullying is supposed to be specifically addressed by teachers in grades 3 through 6. Parents and grandparents can ask teachers when and how these lessons are taught, and middle school families can ask the sixth grade teachers and physical education teachers the same questions. Now here are some excellent books and DVD’s recommended by books stores and libraries that will help all of us stop bullying.
Horizon books
“The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle” Barbara Coloroso, 2009. ISBN 9780061744600 (great resource for administrators)
“Please Stop Laughing At Me” Jodee Blanco, 2010 (new; contains chapter on cyber bullying)
Traverse Area District Library
“Stop Bullying Now: Take a Stand, Lend a Hand” Very comprehensive DVD for teachers, parents and school age children showing actual strategies on f ilm. Sight and Sound section of district library - documentary/informational
“Bullys are a Pain in the Brain” DVD Gives school age children strategies for dealing with bullys. Youth services section of district library – informational. Jan. 2011
RISK AND FAILURE CAN TEACH VALUABLE LESSONS
Q. My 15 year old daughter has been working day and night practicing for an audition for a leading role in a play at school. She’s done historical research and has even memorized the lines. There is, however, a senior girl in the drama club that I feel sure will get that lead role. Our child is new to the club and is only a sophomore. I’m worried that she will be devastated if she doesn’t get the part. I think she should quit the drama club and not go through this trauma. E.K Online
A. I know you love and empathize with your daughter and hate to see her hurt, but you need to look at this with a broader perspective. You want to protect and help your child, but helpful love is not always about protection or security. Helpful love can also mean encouragement to risk and discover that we can survive failures. Love means helping our children prepare for coping with life in the long run, not just the present.
If our children are to learn how to cope and survive successfully in this stressful and risky world, we must allow them to learn how to deal with stress and risk in age appropriate ways. One learns by coping with tough situations, not avoiding them. We can’t protect them from all risks and disappointments; instead we must teach them the survival skills to surmount them.
One way to look at this is with an analogy about skiing. What’s the first thing the instructor always teaches you when you are learning to ski? It’s how to get up when you fall down. They tell you how to do it, but you must learn by actually falling down and getting up yourself. Falling is inevitable, so we need to be sure that we can handle it. You learn how to pick yourself up from things that happen to you in life in the same way.
Young people should be encouraged to take risks like trying out for the team or for a part in a play. Risking the disappointment of failure is hard, but this is the way they will learn that they CAN survive a disappointment and go on. Similarly, sometimes they need to learn on their own (without anyone saying I told you so) that they can live through a period of sadness and go on when a peer relationship changes or ends.
It is also important to allow them the full measure of their pain and disappointment. When we say, “Well, you tried hard” or “Well, I think you should have gotten the part” it only discounts their feelings. Instead, parents need to acknowledge their children’s pain. Show you understand their feelings by sharing some memories you have about your own bitter disappointments in school.
Don’t overprotect your teens from taking risks when the risk is appropriate for their age, experience and growth. Help them discover their own capabilities by encouraging the exploration of sensible risks and reinforcing and praising the strengths that can develop from overcoming disappointment. Nov. 2010
KEEPING YOUR TEMPER WITH TEENS
Q. I find myself absolutely losing it with my young teenage sons and just screaming at them when they break a rule that I know they understand perfectly. I know this is ridiculous, and certainly not good modeling. Maybe you can suggest some extra tricks I could try, along with counting to 10 or 20. D.M. Online
A. Yes, it takes time and courage to give teens guidance without losing your temper, especially when you’ve already told them about the behavior you expect. Staying objective and not over reacting with teens (particularly if you tend to fly off the handle) is tough but crucial. If you feel you are starting to lose control say, “I’m feeling hurt and upset (or furious) right now, but I do want to talk about this with you reasonably. I want to work this out with you but I can’t handle it right now. I need some time to think. So let’s set a time to talk later today.”
A parent I once knew made a list to look at when she needed it, just to remind herself that we need to focus on a bigger picture and not sweat the small stuff. Here it is…
Sometimes I will get angry with my children because I am normal.
It is a given that kids WILL sometimes misbehave, some times more than other times.
It’s frustrating and disappointing when they misbehave, but it’s not a disaster or the end of the world. I can tolerate and live through it.
When my kids misbehave, their behavior is not acceptable and they are breaking a rule, PERIOD. This does not mean I am a bad or ineffective parent or that the kids have become bad people destined for a life of crime.
My kids will sometimes make mistakes, even when they know the rules and understand the rules. But they can learn from mistakes, as all of us do.
When my children misbehave I can help them most by giving them a meaningful penalty based on logical consequences of the behavior whenever possible.
I may have to ask myself if my expectations for their age are too high; if so I can adjust them.
If I find myself yelling repeatedly about the same old things each day, what I‘m doing is not working and I need to stop and rethink my strategies and try something else, such as making contracts with them.
I may need to ask myself if I am giving my kids enough feedback about the things I DO like, and not just telling them what I don’t like. I need to give praise for the good stuff.
I need to think about how much time I spend each day just talking at them and repeating myself without ever listening to them. Do I know their ideas and dreams and fears? I used to know. I need to remember that teens are still kids, even if they look like adults. Nov. 2010
BE BOTH IN TOUCH AND IN CHARGE WITH TEENS
Q: We have a teen who seems to be a whole different person than that nice little girl I was raising in grade school. What I need is a list of tips on coping with teens that I can hang on my mirror each day to remind myself how to deal with her at this age. Can you help? Megan P. Online in TN
A: Maintaining a positive and open attitude is your most important asset as a parent of teens, but it’s tough to do consistently, particularly during conflicts. However, if you maintain that open attitude most of the time and let your teen know you genuinely care about her ideas, interests and opinions, (even if you disagree) you will be fine.
It’s really hard to let go of the person we knew in the past and accept that our child is becoming a new individual. Although it’s wonderful to enjoy the memories of what there were like when they were little, we cannot let nostalgia blur our vision of who they are now and what they need from us now. Remember that teens are growing into unique people who may have surprisingly different talents, ideas, and opinions from what we always expected, but that’s okay. We accept and respect differences among our fellow workers and friends; we can learn to accept and respect differences in our teens, too. Here are more tips
Let your teens know they are important. We all need to feel valued for what and who we are inside, as well as for the things we can do.
Remember that the most important part of good communication is careful listening to feelings as well as words. The time you spend listening (no matter what time or where) is the core of your relationship.
Focus on your kids’ strengths. Research suggests that parents make four negative comments for every positive comment to teens. Turn those statistics around!
Help teens face problems, not avoid them or cop out. They need to learn to handle unpleasant situations honestly and in the best way they can; it’s easier to learn it now than as adults.
Teach them the value of serving others or contributing to something larger than themselves. Teens can be enthusiastic and energetic volunteers or advocates. Tap that energy and help them grow as people.
Help them see their choices in terms of their own best long-term interest and life skills instead of what is easy, quick, or “what everyone else does.”
When you are about to lose your temper and your open, positive approach, ask yourself if what you’re fighting about will be important 5 or 6 years from now. It will help you regain perspective.
What you are building is a life long friendship. Don’t forget to have fun and laugh together. Relationships without laughter don’t usually last.
Aug 2010
CHANGES IN TEEN BEHAVIOUR (SHOPLIFTING) INDICATES OTHER PROBLEMS
Q. I have a 15 year old daughter who until recently has been a strong student. Last week she was caught shoplifting. I was stunned when the police called; she has everything she needs. I asked her if there’s anything else I should know, and she told me she had tried smoking marijuana once. Her school work is down too, so I took her cell phone away and grounded her until her next school report. Now she threatens to run away. I don't know if my punishment is excessive or if she’s being dramatic. What do you think? K.B. Online
A. Fifteen year olds are often moody, impulsive and dramatic. But you still need to have rules, and explain that rules are not made for your convenience; they are made in HER best long-term interest. Rules are for things she needs to learn, not only to stay safe and healthy, but also to be successful and happy in the future.
I don’t think you made the best choice regarding punishment because I believe being taken to the police station may have jarred her into thinking about and questioning her own behavior. This would mean she was confused, embarrassed and vulnerable. She probably wanted some guidance from you that she did not even know she needed until that moment.
I think when she told you the truth about the marijuana, she was really asking for help and was reaching out to you for guidance. It was really an opportunity for you to step in and give the firm, calm parental guidance and support that she needed. Immediately grounding her and taking the cell phone makes no sense at all unless you take time first to find out what issues she is having or how she’s feeling about her behavior.
Be sure you find out WHY she did the shop lifting and the pot experiment. What was the result of the police call? Did she have to apologize to the store owner? How did she feel about it? Do you know who her friends are and what they’re like? Finding out what deeper issues she’s having is what’s most important right now. When you know more, you’ll be able to make effective decisions.
It’s vital that you discover the reasons for this change in her behavior. Keep calm and keep communicating. If she is hovering between doing what’s right or wrong, cutting her off won’t help get to the bottom of it. Set a time to talk about the grounding and the cell phone issue. Say that you might rethink your decision, but first you want to let her tell you about what led up to it. Listen to each other. The better you listen the more she’ll say. Since these are new behaviors for her, and because your relationship was strong in the past, I think you can work this out and set up some new ground rules that will work. March 2010
CHALLENGES FOR TODAY'S PARENTS
Q. Do you think parents today take the job of parenting seriously like we used to? Is it harder to parent in today’s world? G.N. Online
A: The basics of good parenting are the same as they have always been...finding time to enjoy each other, being able to listen and talk, sharing your values, and providing firm, fair and consistent guidance. What’s hard is doing these basic things every single day, year after year. Was it easier to do these things in the past when pace was slower and one parent was usually at home? Or is this more a matter of awareness and priorities?
I think that in today’s world, many parents don’t realize that the little things they do and say impact their children. They may not notice that their children have problems or need guidance. I think the reason for this is that most parents are both working, and when they get home they just do the basic things that need to be done, and before they know it, it’s almost bedtime. In these situations some parents tend to let things slide, including their roles as parents.
Sometimes parents have missed the kids and want to play with them. They let the children stay up late, usually until they are overtired, and then they can’t fall asleep easily. But not making a set bedtime or creating a bedtime ritual means the parents have less time for each other. It also endangers children’s health. Children need at least 8-10 hours of sleep each night, so a child’s bedtime should consistently happen between 8 and 9pm.
Other parents let their children do anything they like in the evenings, (including grazing instead of eating a family meal together) partly because they are so tired or just because they are unaware that kids need consistent routines, rules and limits. Many of them talk to their children as if they were peers instead of children who need direction, reassurance and praise for doing the right things.
Some parents seem unaware that their children have no manners. Neither do they take time to model things like using each other’s names when conversing, or saying please and thank you. Still others, especially if grazing is done instead of sitting at the table together to eat, have allowed children to have atrocious table manners. Manners and appropriate behaviors are not things that children are born with; they must be taught and modeled. It doesn’t take much time; it takes an awareness that this is important to DO.
In addition, many of today’s parents don’t seem to know that they are in charge of their children and must extend themselves for their growth. This kind of “extending” does not mean letting children do whatever they want or have anything they want when they want it. Doing this will simply raise a spoiled and irresponsible person who has no sense of responsibility or work ethic.
Extending yourself for another’s long term best interest and growth means saying “No” firmly whenever necessary. It means letting children know what you approve or disapprove of and giving them your expectations and rules. This doesn’t take much time either; but it’s important to DO. Rules and limits help children feel secure and safe. Saying “No” will NOT damage their self esteem; it will teach them what they need to know
Todays’ parents either have to work hard (sometimes at multiple jobs) to make ends meet, or work hard because they want (and think they need) many more things than parents did in twenty years ago. In most families both parents work. Parents also want to have a life beyond work, and want time to do things they enjoy. It’s tough!
But if you have young children, and you want them to grow up without major problems, you must be aware that your role as a parent is important. Being an effective parent means more than giving kids things, or setting up activities for them to do with OTHER people. It means spending a tiny little bit of time with them each day, listening, talking, sharing what you believe, finding out what they believe, and having fun together when you can. It means taking the time to say ``no`` and explaining why. These things are in their best interest… and yours. Jan. 2010
FAMILY GAMES – A TRADITION THAT TEACHES WHAT KIDS NEED TO KNOW
Q. Our kids have been asking us to start playing board games together. We used to do this all the time as kids and it was really fun and didn’t cost money. We would all get together and play, eat and laugh. But our four kids are ages 5 to 13. Will their different ages matter? And will they learn as much from playing games with us as they would from playing video games? H. and B. Online
A. They will learn way more important things from playing real time games with you than they will from video games. It’s something like the difference between cuddling a toddler on your lap and telling them the story of the Three Bears in your own special style before bed, instead of putting them to bed with a CD recording of the story.
They learn about who you really are as a person and they learn you can have fun with them and that you love them. A CD cannot give them that.
No matter how many brainwashing ads companies do about skills learned from video games, research proves that children learn more from hands on experience with people to people games and activities than from computer or video games.
Taking time to play family games is a very economical pastime and it will also restore a family tradition. You’ll all have fun and it will help your kids learn life skills as well as educational skills. Most games do focus on particular educational skills like math, spelling, vocabulary, logical thought, memory, record keeping, money management, and even spatial relationships and balance.
But when children play games they are also learning many other things that parents want them to know. Family games teach children patience and perseverance as they learn to wait their turns, wait for a particular card, or come back from a loss. They learn to finish the game, sticking it out to the end, whether they win or lose. And they learn to win or lose graciously.
They learn to cooperate, be honest, play fair, evaluate situations, use critical thinking and strategy. They also learn to make choices for which they must accept the consequences. Accepting the consequences of your choices…being responsible for them…is a vitally
important life skill. Best of all, no one has to work at “teaching“ all this. It happens naturally while you are having fun together.
Your children’s age range won’t be a problem. You can always modify a game to suit your family. Set a time limit instead of points to end a game, or use only larger denominations of play money. Let a younger child have a mentor/partner to help as needed with reading, counting and record keeping, and rotate the partner among family members when you start a new game.
Playing games together gives children “roots” and a feeling of “connectedness” with the family; it helps them get to know each other as people. It nurtures communication and family bonds that will last a lifetime. Try it, you’ll all love it. July 2009
TEEN WITH ENTITLEMENT ATTITUDE NEEDS REALITY CHECK(Instant Gratification Can Lead to Debt)
Q: My fifteen year old is very angry with me. She wants an expensive cell phone that does everything under the sun like her friends have, and I simply can’t afford it. She says I’m letting her down. I don’t get it. I do the best I can. Why do these kids think they should have whatever they want no matter what. Frustrated Dad Online
A: You’re not alone. Many teens get angry with parents when they want something and can’t have it when they want it, which is immediately. But they didn’t get that way overnight and neither did your daughter. It’s long past time for you to have a candid discussion with her about money. You need to make her understand that in the real world, you’re not simply “entitled” to have what you want when you want it just because you exist. What kids with this attitude need most from parents is a reality check.
Explain that in the real world you have to earn money for what you want, or wait while you save up for it. Give her real facts, examples and details, not generalizations. Make sure she understands the words “budget” and “affordable” and “savings.” Make a list of expenses that go out each month and compare this to what money comes in each month. Money management is not taught in school. It’s your job as a parent to teach her these things or she will be totally unprepared for the real world of work that awaits her.
Many teens think that credit cards pay themselves and that ATM’s are magic money machines. They don’t know how their spending affects the family’s budget, long term goals or credit reports. For years you’ve probably been trying to be a “good guy,” giving her what she wanted whenever she wanted it. Maybe you worked a lot and felt guilty so you let her have things you couldn’t really afford. Without realizing it you were teaching her that it’s ok to buy whatever you want, no matter what the cost..
It’s time to be honest. Show her your budget. Show her on paper that you really cannot afford her “wants” and are having trouble paying for needs. It’s in her best long-term interest to learn the difference between wants and needs, and to experience delayed gratification. Help her learn to budget and spend wisely, and write down everything she spends in the checkbook. She may be furious now, but when she’s older she’ll be glad she knows how to manage her money.
Constantly wanting to get more things and wanting far more than you can afford can be addictive. Teens can grow to be young adults who still believe they can have whatever they want immediately. They don’t understand or are in denial about the fact that when they use debit cards or the ATM real money is going out of their accounts and there won’t be money left to pay bills. When they charge things online with the debit cards, they get deeper in debt, and this can eventually lead to bankruptcy. Please don’t let this happen to your daughter. Teach her now before it’s too late. July 2009
TEACHING RESPONSIBILITY
Q. You talked recently about not giving kids privileges without responsibility. But when do you start teaching responsibility? It seems like a huge task so how and when we do that? J. M. Online
A. You are thinking of big adult responsibilities like bills and house payments. But we didn’t have all that dumped on us at once. We learned responsibility in many small ways, one step at a time, as we were growing up. If you think about responsibilities as things it seems impossible to teach, but responsibility is not about things. It’s about behavior and taking responsibility for behavior. Think of it that way and you’ll see how to teach it to your children every day as they grow from toddlers to teens.
If you give children the privilege of using sand in a sandbox, they need to know that they can play with sand but not throw it. If they do, they can’t play in the sand, period. If you give them play dough to enjoy, it has to be used only on a tray at the table. If they can’t do that, they can’t have the play dough.
If they don’t help pick up their toys, or if they use the toys in an unsafe or destructive manner, you take away the toys for a week or more and then try it again. If they haven’t learned the lesson, repeat the consequence. If they won’t try their veggies at dinner, they don’t get dessert. These are the ways children learn that privileges come with rules and responsibilities.
If you do these simple things when children are young, you’ve built a good foundation. They learned that if they do not accept responsibility for their behavior there are consequences. But when they are school aged, you still need to be vigilant and keep teaching! They’re still kids, not adults. YOU are still in charge and they have a lot more to learn.
If they don’t put their dirty clothes in the hamper, those clothes will not get washed. If they have to wash something by hand because they wanted to wear it, so be it. If they are late for the bus every day, or forget to take their homework to school, you must not keep bailing them out.
If they spend all their allowance on something that was a bad choice, do NOT give them an advance. They need to learn to save up for things they want, instead of expecting you to cave in and pay for it. If you teach them the difference between wants and needs, instead of teaching instant gratification by buying what they want when they want it, you are taking giant steps to prevent them from abusing the privilege of a credit or debit card.
If you have not taken time to teach them about consequences and taking responsibility for their behavior when they were young, they (and even you) may suffer because the consequences become greater…non sufficient funds, overage fines, and even bankruptcy.
June 2009
PROM NIGHT CURFEWS
Q. My son is 18, He’s a good student, he doesn't drink or smoke and his friends seem about the same, though some may be a little rough around the edges. On weekends I expect him to have the car back by midnight, but for prom night he wants to rent a car and keep it out later. That’s ok but what should his curfew be in that case? He says, “Everybody stays out all night on prom night.” I doubt that it’s “everybody.” Also, he doesn’t know his date’s curfew yet. (I have a 9 year old daughter, and you can be sure that when the time comes, I will know exactly where she is and she will have a reasonable curfew.) Also, what is an "after party?" This party is supposed to go on all night. Well, if her dad is like me and she has to be home by 1:30 or 2, should my son drop her off and then go to the "after party?" Also, would the car rental safe at this party? And if his date is allowed out all night, should I worry that her family being over lenient?
A. You’re terrific! You’re reasonable and rational and trying to make careful choices, even though you want your son to enjoy prom night. But I'd make no promises until you learn more about the "after party". Many school districts now DO sponsor activities all night and an after party that includes breakfast. (Some schools even do this after graduation to keep kids off the roads.) But if this party is just a bunch of kids having a party, beware.
If there is drinking and no chaperones, just about anything could happen, so you need to know if it's chaperoned. You also need to TALK to the chaperones yourself and ask all the pertinent questions, including the address and phone numbers. You can ask your insurance company if they think the rental car needs extra insurance.
Also call the girls' parents and find out what her curfew is, not only because it would help you make your decision, but it also shows that you’re a good dad and good model for your son. And it shows that you believe in reasonable curfews and that you are concerned that your son will treat his date with respect. He seems to be a good kid, so after you make your decisions, tell him that you’re proud that he’s a responsible teen. Also ask him to please keep in mind that the buck stops with you; you are responsible for anything he does that is damaging to himself or others.
Tragic prom night accidents (and graduation night accidents) do happen and are, unfortunately, very prevalent across the country each spring. Parents and school officials can help prevent tragedies by providing enjoyable activities after the prom or graduation that have been designed by adults working hand in hand with the teens themselves.
May 2009
LETTING GO OF TEENS IS DIFFICULT
Q. I feel we might be over-parenting or sending mixed signals to our 18 year old and wonder if we have set strong enough limits. We’ve taught her morals and ethics and to think for herself and be independent. She’s a senior with a 3.5GPA, is accepted to the University this fall, does not abuse alcohol or drugs, and has a job. We had some problems a few years ago about partying, but she is actually quite responsible now. During the summer we let her vacation with her steady boyfriend of a year and his family. Now she’ asked us to let her go off with a bunch of friends but no parent. First I said no, not without a parent. How can I explain that maybe her judgement would be off without a parent nearby? She argues that in a few months she will be at college and we won’t be there; she will have to make her own choices. She says she has proven that she’s responsible. What do you think are reasonable limits to put on our eighteen year old daughter? Thanks, M.C. Online
A. Yes, it’s very hard to let go. Sometimes it’s even more difficult when you have a strong and good relationship. But remember that what you have done in the past is strong and lasting, and should hold. At some point you need to trust that, and her. You can let go and still be best friends for life if you continue to use the right approach.
As long as she is still at home, however, you do have the right to continue to set limits. Remind her that in the past she has made choices in her own bset long term interest, so you believe and trust that she will continue to make wise choices. Expecting their best is often the most effective strategy with older teens.
As to the trip, I’d check with the mothers of the “bunch of friends” to see what they think and what’s going on. You need to know who the friends are and where they are going. You’ll also need to set some simple ground rules if you decide to let her go.
You must know exactly where she’ll be and how to reach her “in case of a family emergency.” You will also want to look her in the eye and say you know she’ll be careful and not abuse her privileges. You can even ask her to call you. You do know her best. It’s up to you to decide. Feb. 2008
BEING “APPRECIATED” IS A TWO WAY STREET
Q. My kids used to say please and thank you when they were little, but it seems that these words have disappeared from their vocabulary. Also, I constantly am doing things for them but when I ask them to do something …even something small …to help me out, they either make a face or say sure and then forget to do it. Why don’t they appreciate me anymore? M. L. Online
A. The disappearance of the “magic” words please and thank you is a universal concern, but I feel that the reasons for this phenomenon are simple. When children are little we make a point of modeling please and thank you. We expect them to say it, we say it, and we praise them for it. But as children enter the school years, most people seem to get too busy to remember to say these words in their daily lives. Children aren’t the only ones that forget to say please and thank you; adults forget too.
How often have you said to yourself, when your child actually remembers to put the milk away, “Humph, It’s about time he remembered to do that” instead of saying out loud, “Thanks; I‘m glad you remembered.” How often do you quickly ask your child or spouse to reach up and get you something and then forget to thank them.
If we really want our children to use these courtesy words and mean them, we need to use them too. Kids need praise and need to be appreciated, just like we do. We need to tell them what we do like or appreciate. That’s the very best way to get them to repeat the behavior we want and to reciprocate.
We also need to remember that our children learn more from our actions and modeling than our lectures about behavior. Let’s try to remember to show that we care for them and others with our daily modeling. Valentines are great ways to say I love you but they don’t have a lasting memory. The way we talk to each other and the way we act with each other WILL be remembered for a lifetime.
Adolescents do focus on themselves most of the time, but if you increase your praise for their efforts, it will help. Also be sure to get eye contact when you ask them to do something for you. Explain why this task is important to you. Say you are glad you can count on them to help out, and leave a note to remind them if you need to. Then thank them for doing the job. Telling them they did something right is the best way to get them to do it again. And when you say “thanks” it has a funny way of making you feel good too. Feb. 2008
DAD'S UP FOR CUSTODY CHANGE CHALLENGES
Q. My ex-wife called me to say she'd finally reached the point where she had to admit she couldn't deal with our 14 year old daughter anymore and needed her to come live with me. We've discussed this in the past; we agree that I'm able to better deal with her because she can't manipulate me the way she can her mom. Of course, because of that my daughter is not going to like it. She has been acting out sexually, she stayed out all night once, she's stolen things. Most of this happened after our divorce. I'm now remarried and I need to know how to make the custody transition. What I should expect? How can I effectively stop the current behavior while trying to discover the underlying causes of it. Jack, Online
A. I think you'll be able to do the right things because you've stated the problems so clearly in your letter. Most of the "work" in this situation lies in seeing, objectively, what the problems are. Do some research, however, and list some people who might be good family therapists or child counselors if you find you need more support.
You can expect her to test you to see how far she can go. So as soon as she arrives, sit down with her to explain your expectations. Tell her you love her but that parental love also means doing what is in the best long term interest of your child...and that means your rules will be in HER own best interests. Share with her some examples of things that are in her best long term interest.
With her input (although you have the final say) make up a list of simple but firm rules. Also with her input list the consequences of breaking these rules. If she seems to be cooperating, also talk about rewards for good behaviors that she will earn in addition to your respect and praise. Make a written list of the rules; then both of you should sign the agreement. Plan to have another discussion in a week to see how it is going.
Regarding the sexual acting out, you might want to take her to a few places to see what it's like for girls who get pregnant and have children and are single moms but are still kids themselves. Explain some of the things that can happen when you don't make wise choices in your best interest. Go observe in a well baby clinic and see how these girls often have to wait for hours with crying babies. Talk about the long list of things these girls have to give up (no fun, no friends, no cell phones, no movies or videos, no money, no fast food) Hopefully this discussion and your joint contract of rules and consequences (emphasizing your love and her own best interest) can help you get started on the right foot. March 2008
WHY DOES MOM HAVE A RUDE UNGRATEFUL TEEN?
Q. My son and I just had a big confrontation about him taking my car. He wanted to pick up his girlfriend and take her to a dinner. I said no, but I offered to take them and pick him up. He started yelling and became quite scary. He said he has to scream at me each time he wants to use the car and then I say yes anyway after he yells at me. I told him he was being disrespectful and to lower his voice. I told him to try to be respectful and we might discuss this rationally and perhaps compromise. But he ignored me. He never helps out in any way. He just reminds me each time he wants something that I am his mother and therefore am responsible to provide him with whatever he wants. What did I do wrong ? Concerned Mom Online
A. What's probably wrong is that you seem to have let this ungrateful and rude child walk all over you for many years. It seems that you have simply given in to his unreasonable demands whenever he yelled loud enough. The problem is not just having him ask nicely. The problem is that he thinks he is entitled to have it whenever he likes, probably without paying toward the gas maintenance or insurance.
Why not tell him that due to his continued disrespect and rudeness he gets NO car privileges at all. He can get a job and work and save for his own used car or save up money from his job. If he has no job, he needs one. Or he can pay for a taxi (or bus) to go where he wants to go.
Or if he does have a job, in order to have the privilege of using the car, he should help care for it and pay for part of the gas and costs. It seems likely that, over the years, you gave him many privileges without giving him corresponding responsibilities. Adults know that in real life, privileges are earned, and every privilege comes with a responsibility. But parents need to teach this truth to their children from an early age.
Better late than never. Your son needs to do regular chores in your home if he has the privilege of living at home with you. Make a list of your son's current privileges. Write them down and show him how many he has. Then ask yourself and him what responsibilities have come to him with each of these privileges. If there were none, do something about it. Since this behavior has been a problem for some time, you may need a family counselor or family therapist; ask your doctor or your church to recommend someone. Mar. 2008
TEEN HAS NO FRIENDS
Q. I don't really know how to help our thirteen-year-old daughter. She cries and cries that she has no friends. She’s mature for her age and is sweet and shy; she’s always been picked on for wearing glasses and being short. What can I do? J.M. Online
A. If this was not a problem when she was younger, but is now beginning to be a problem, could it be that she is in a new school or new group of children, and hasn’t figured out how to make a friend in the new group? Start by making an appointment with her teacher, or, if she has several teachers, the teacher she seems to like best at school. Discuss this problem with that teacher and brainstorm ways to address it.
The teacher may have a suggestion of a child who would be a good match as a friend and let you know how to contact that child's parents. Then you could have the mom and child over for lunch on the weekend so you can all get better acquainted.
Other avenues you can pursue are extra curricular activities that match your child’s talents and interests. Perhaps she would like gymnastics, or art, or dance or a sport. Investigate the possibilities in your community. You know her best; reflect on what would interest her most.
Perhaps she would like to go to a YMCA or join 4H or Scouts or a church youth group. Yes, this will take an effort on your part, but it's extremely important that you do it, and will be worth it.
One more thing. You said she's mature for thirteen. If she has started to develop and is ahead of most of the other girls in physical development, some of them may resent it and be making her feel out of place. (The same thing can happen when a child is behind the other girls in the puberty process; the child would feel out of place and might be treated badly.) You need to find out by asking your child to tell you more about why she is sad and how the others treat her.
No matter what the reason, you should still try to engage her in other activities of interest where she would meet new peers and others with like interests. Also teach her to always try to give a sincere compliment to another child each day, to greet others by name with a smile, and to listen to what others have to say, even if it seems at first to be all about them. Listening and asking questions is a form or compliment. Aug. 2008
TEEN NEEDS DAD'S ADVICE AND ACTION
Q. My wife is currently stationed in Afghanistan. I don’t want to disturb her with a question like this. She has more important things to think about... like staying alive. My daughter is almost 16 and has been dating her 17 year old boyfriend for 8 months. They have started becoming very sexually forward with each other. During the first months they would give each other occasional cute little pecks, but this has now evolved into heavy make out sessions on the couch. I am asking myself, “Should I say something?” and if so, “What?” I have thought about talking, buying books or maybe just getting her a doctor’s appointment for some type of birth control. My wife is the one I expected to be making these types of decisions, but she won’t be here for several months. I need help and suggestions now. Worried Dad
A. Yes you do need help. I will send prayers for the safety of your wife, and give you my best advice. Yes you must speak up now and take further action at your first opportunity. Go to the bookstore or library (the librarian will assist you) as soon as possible for some books that will help you. Talk to your child and explain that going further than simple making out would be extremely hard to stop and have serious consequences. Tell her clearly and specifically what these are, from STD's to pregnancy.
Make an appointment for your child with a female gynecologist. In addition, be sure to talk to that doctor ahead of time and explain your problem. Ask her to not only examine your child (if she thinks it is necessary) but give her some advice. This will give you some excellent back up. The doctor can also help you obtain birth control materials or pills if that seems appropriate to you and is in concurrence with your own values. 9/2007
TEENS NEED LIMITS
Q. I'm a widowed, fairly liberal, single parent of a daughter who is about to be 18, but has one year left of high school. She's always been a good and cooperative, communicative kid, but she has some questionable friends. Perhaps her friends’ parents are more tolerant than I. Of course I will stick to my personal trust limits and my own moral values, but I still need some advice on how much freedom she should be allowed at age 18. Is it time for her to quit asking permission about things and just "let me know"? Can I continue to punish her by withholding "perks" - like cell phones? Where should the line be drawn? B. B. Online
A. Looking back over the years, and knowing what your child is like, you probably have done a good parenting job thus far; so I suggest you trust your own instincts. If you feel her friends are questionable, they may well be, so have them over as often as possible to learn more about them. And definitely get to know the parents too; you may even find that they agree with your standards..
Eighteen is still a vulnerable age, and peer pressure can be risky. When she goes to college, you will have far less input, so make the most of your input and your relationship this year. The two of you have always had good communication, and that will help work for you.
I think your daughter is still too young to simply quit asking you for permission, and too young to not tell you where she will be and when she will be home. After all, this is also a matter of considering the feelings of her family (you) and a matter of respect and manners. Be sure to stress that aspect. Ask her how she would feel if she were in your place.
You and your daughter can also have a "family meeting" to decide on the consequences for inappropriate behavior...that type of "contract" is a good way to involve her in being responsible for her decisions and actions. You can also decide together what is an appropriate reward for good and responsible behavior. You can even put this contract in writing and sign it if you like. You know your child best, so you will know what to do. Oct. 2007
NOTE to Mom of 15 Year Old Girl. No, do NOT let her go “hang out” alone at a boyfriend’s house. Fifteen year olds are usually experiencing raging hormones and confusion about what’s next. They also usually disagree with their parents about most things. But without adult guidance and straightforward discussions about limits and the consequences of sexual activity, they may easily give in to passion which could possibly make a mess of their lives. Do some reading (perhaps that book “What’s Love Got to Do With It” Ask the book story or library about it.). Talk clearly, firmly and SOON. 10/2007
SHOPPING FEVER CAN BE BAD FOR KIDS
Q. Last January you wrote about “shopping fever” and “affluenza” and children who feel entitled to get what they want when they want it. The early and feverish Christmas shopping already going on reminds me that shopping to get more and more stuff can be as addictive to adults as to children. We do realize that when we always want all the newest things, instead of focusing on what the family really needs, it doesn’t help our kids learn the difference between wants and needs. Our teens have part time jobs and their own money but they always want more than they have. They just expect us to come up with the money they need. Frustrated Dad Online
A. Yes, it’s frustrating, even when we can understand this issue in terms of our society’s values and the constant battering of media advertising. As parents, we need to work hard to keep our children in touch with the real world regardless of peer and media pressures. Setting a good example and insisting on a reality check regarding wants, needs, and available money isn’t easy.
When your kids want something that they (or you) cannot really afford, you need to talk honestly about your financial situation and discuss wants and needs with the kids. Ask them, “Do we need it? Or do we just want it?” Then you need to make them see, if they work part time, whether or not it’s possible with their paychecks to get something they just “want.” Tell them straight out if you cannot give them the extra money. You can suggest that they save up for “wants.” Kids can only learn the difference between wants and needs with your help. (Consider this when you are tempted to buy a giant television just so you can watch the Super Bowl.)
The thing that upsets me most is that kids often seem to define happiness by having what is latest or newest. Since nothing is “new” very long, they keep wanting more and more and at a faster rate, but they can never really hold on to the fleeting happiness of having material things. When parents support this habit with extra money it simply becomes more addictive for kids to buy, buy, buy.
Do the best you can to teach them about budgeting and realistic expectations for the use of their money. Be sure their self-esteem is based on their uniqueness as persons, not on what they can own, use or wear. Have some grown up discussions and planning sessions about spending and saving. And ask them to consider volunteering time or money to those who need help; that’s what Christmas is really about. Dec. 2007
PRIVILEGE WITHOUT RESPONSIBILITY BREEDS AFFLUENZA
Q. My fifteen year old daughter is very angry with me. She wants a certain kind of expensive and monogrammed ipod and I simply couldn’t afford to get it. She says I let her down by not getting it. She had wanted to have it to show off to her friends at a certain event. I gave her as much money as I could ($100) instead, but she’s still furious. I don’t understand. I do the best I can to buy her what she wants. Why do she and her friends think that they should have whatever they want no matter what. I just don’t know what to do. Frustrated Dad Online
A. You’re not alone. Many teens today are furious with their parents when they want something and can’t have it exactly when they want it…which is usually immediately. You need to have a candid discussion about money, needs and wants, and you need to work on making her understand that in the real world, you are not simply entitled to have what you want when you want it just because you exist. This “entitlement” attitude is rampant in the behaviors of many of today’s teens.
Explain that in the real world you have to earn money for what you want, or wait while you save up for it. Give her real facts, examples and details, not just generalizations. Make sure she understands the words “budget” and “afford” and “lay away.” Make a list of expenses that go out each month and compare this to what money comes in each month. We all wish money management could be taught in school but it’s not. It’s your job as a parent to teach her these things or she will be totally unprepared for the real world of work that awaits her.
Unfortunately many teens think that credit cards pay themselves and have no effect on the family’s budget, long term goals or credit reports. But remember that they didn’t get this attitude overnight. For many years you’ve probably have been trying to be a “good guy” and a buddy and have been giving her what she wanted whenever she wanted it.
But you forgot to teach her that every privilege comes hand in hand with responsibility. You didn’t realize that this omission would be a problem. It’s time to stop giving in to her right now, because it’s in her best long term interest to learn about the difference between wants and needs, and about delayed gratification. She will be furious now, but when she’s older she’ll be glad she knows about managing her money.
Recently I heard a news report in which they referred to this teenage attitude as the disease of “Affluenza.” Constantly wanting to get more things and wanting far more than you can afford affects most teens, not just those of affluent families. The worst symptom of affluenza or the entitlement attitude is that today’s kids are starting to equate their self worth with how much stuff they have or can buy. If you truly care about your daughter’s self esteem, start curing her of affulenza now. Jan 2006
