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SLEEP DEPRIVATION DAMAGES BRAIN DEVELOPMENT Note to Readers: I have been researching recent studies about sleep deprivation in school children and teens and the terrible toll this takes on children’s brain development. I want to share this information with my readers; please take it seriously and pass it on to other parents.
The truth is that half of all adolescents get less than seven hours of sleep on weeknights. By the time they are seniors that number is closer to 6.5 hours. Only 5% of seniors get 8 hours. Sure we remember being tired at school, but our stress and activities were far less demanding than those of today’s kids. It has been documented that children today from elementary school through high school get at least one hour less sleep each night than they did 30 years ago. Causes? Overscheduling, burdensome homework, lax parental rules about bedtime, cell phones in the bedroom, etc. Now that we know more about the cost to the child of losing that hour of sleep; we can no longer ignore the problem. The child’s brain is not fully developed just because they start attending school are learning to read. Most parents relax bedtime rules when kids go to school, when actually they should do the opposite. The truth is this: The child’s brain development is a work in progress that is not complete until age 21! Worse, most of the actual developmental work of the brain actually takes place during sleep when connections are made and the right and left sides of the brain work together. Just as we need sleep to heal, the child’s brain needs sleep so that the developmental work can be done. This means the loss of sleep has a far greater impact on children and teens than it does on adults. Specific things that are affected are the coordination of thoughts to fulfill a goal, the prediction of outcomes or “executive function”, (causing unwise and sometimes dangerous decisions) and the ability to perceive the consequences of actions. Just imagine a teen with sleep deprivation driving a car, and also talking on a cell phone or texting…an accident waiting to happen. (Google “sleep deprivation in teens and adolescents” for current articles and information.) Please note that these sleep deprivation habits don’t just start happening in the elementary school or teen years. These bad sleep habits probably began when children were toddlers. I receive many letters from parents who say they have “trouble getting their kids to go to sleep at night”. I beg to differ. With no exceptions, the problem these parents have had is that they never set a consistent bedtime for their children nor had a daily bedtime routine. They never said NO it is time to put away the toys now and get ready for bed. They never insisted that “Bedtime is 8:30 and that’s that.” Parents cannot let babies, toddlers and preschoolers wander about and stay up all hours with them as if they were companions. Young children need 10-12 hours of sleep in the early years. At age 5 they still need 8-9 hours and over 5 they need every bit of 8 hours. Parents! Wake up and take responsibility! Make sure your children, no matter what their ages, are NOT sleep deprived. Children need sleep; this is a health and development issue that can affect them for life, and it certainly will affect parents as well. APRIL 2012 EAR INFECTIONS & TUBES FOR TODDLERS Q. Are there alternatives to tubes? My child will be 2 in a few weeks and she’s never been sick. Now she’s been diagnosed with an ear infection. She never pulled on her ears or showed any signs of pain. I took her to the doctor when she had puss coming out of her eyes, assuming it was pink eye. They told me it was from an ear infection and she’s been on three different antibiotics in the past two weeks. She’s also getting injections, and if this doesn’t work he said tubes would be necessary. How is this possible if this is her first ear infection? Worried Mom Online A. You could always take her to a different doctor to get a second opinion. The alternatives to tubes are medications, and that is currently what your doctor is prescribing. In any case, please don’t be afraid of letting them put in the tubes. This ear surgery is very common among preschoolers, even those your child's age and younger. Most young children don’t have obvious symptoms of these infections. Some perfectly healthy children become irritable from ear infections but they cannot explain what feels wrong to them. Some, like your child, don’t even experience pain with the infection. She may have even had infections prior to this one. After recurring ear infections, children usually get the tubes put in. If tubes are the answer for your child, do not delay. Remember that the infection is causing your child's hearing to be compromised at an age in which good hearing is vital to learning speech and language. Right now she’s trying to listen to and learn words; with an ear infection, her hearing is being impaired. Hearing loss from middle ear infection drainage can affect her speech, hearing, and learning at this important stage of development. Your doctor should explain to you why he wants to do the tubes soon, but it's my guess it's to protect her eardrums and hearing. This procedure is usually a one time deal, and the tubes will pop out on their own (or be shed) in 6-18 months. The tubes help reduce ear infections in most children and allow for drainage whenever your child is on eardrops or antibiotics. You really need the classic book about ear surgery written by Vicki Lansky, “Koko Bear’s Big Earache; Preparing Your Child for Ear Tube Surgery”. It explains everything you need to know and is written so that children (and parents) fully understand and are prepared for the ear surgery. Most book stores and libraries have this book; check Amazon too. April 2011 |
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KINDERGARTEN - LEARNING MORE ABOUT ASSESSMENT IN KINDERGARTEN Formal assessment testing is done at all grade levels because public school districts have “grade level content expectations” or standards that match the state department of education’s National Common Core standards. (www.michigan.gov/mde) Whenever there are goals to achieve, we need to develop methods of finding out if we are meeting these goals. Checking children’s progress in meeting state and national standards in all curriculum areas is one purpose of testing or assessment, whether testing is informal or formal. The Common Core standards are developmentally appropriate for today’s kindergartens; the problem is that state departments of education give no written guidance on how the goals should be met in developmentally appropriate ways. In Michigan, the Curriculum Unit in the Office of Education is working with the Early Childhood Investment Corporation (see www.greatstartfor kids.org) on guidance. However, state departments of education have no control over school district curriculum or the ways they meet Core standards. If developmentally appropriate guidance becomes available, it’s up to parents and school board members to encourage school districts to use it. Another purpose of testing is to give teachers information to help in planning. Lindy Buch of the Office of Early Childhood at the Michigan Dept of Education says “We do support ongoing formative assessment of young children’s progress in all curriculum areas in order to inform teacher instruction. I wouldn’t translate that necessarily into monthly tests.” She says she hopes “teachers are continuously monitoring individual children’s progress and adjusting their instruction to make sure each one is learning and achieving in all content areas.” She also stresses that teachers and administers need to remember that grade level content expectations are for the end of the school year, not the beginning. So assessments, whether formal or informal, are done (1) to help teachers adapt curriculum to meet each child’s development and learning needs and (2) to help teachers (and parents) monitor children’s progress in all areas of curriculum according to state and national standards. (Some screening tests are also done to identify children with special learning needs so these needs can be met.) These purposes are valid, but so are our concerns about achievement testing. Teachers and parents still want to be sure the methods of assessment are developmentally appropriate. Kindergarten teachers often feel that there is so much emphasis on formal achievement testing that there is not enough time to do informal assessments, or one on one and small group teaching and observing in classroom learning centers that helps reinforce the concepts being learned. Isn’t loving to discover and loving to learn just as important as achievement testing? Parents should contact their local school board members if they have these concerns. (See tcaps.net/boardof education) These concerns about what should be happening are reflected in the current literature by early childhood experts and authors and by professional organizations like the National Association for the Education of Young Children. (See www.naeyc.org for position statements on assessment.) Here are some excerpts from the chapter on “Assessing Children’s Development and Learning” from the book Developmentally Appropriate Practice in Early Childhood Programs Serving Children from Birth Through age 8 (3rd edition, Carol Copple and Sue Bredekamp, editors) These statements speak specifically to concerns that all assessments are appropriate, and that teachers have the time and opportunity to use appropriate informal assessment methods as well as achievement test assessments. It’s true that these methods are more difficult to accomplish when districts have little money for teacher aides and class size is an issue. For children’s sake, we should continue to do our utmost to try to do our best. Teachers look at what each child can do independently but also assess collaborative work with peers and adults. Teachers assess as the child participates in groups and during other scaffolded situations. KINDERGARTEN TESTING - HOW IT'S CHANGED Q. It seems to us like our Kindergarten child has tests at school every month. It never used to be like this. Is this new approach necessary? What’s the purpose of so many tests? K I, Online A. Ongoing assessment of children in kindergartens is not new, it’s the methods of doing the tests or assessments that have changed. Until about five or six years ago teachers did observations of children as they worked in all areas of curriculum. We called this “ongoing informal assessment”. Teachers saved samples of work in portfolios, recorded each child’s needs, observed and recorded their performance levels of various skills in all learning domains, and planned their teaching accordingly. Today, assessment in schools is more formal and more “pencil and paper” in nature. A nationally known mathematician and author who has retired in our area remarked to me recently that schools everywhere seem to want to diminish informal assessment of hands on experiences, even though these would help reinforce the concepts being learned. He felt that with kindergarteners, who are concrete, not abstract, learners, informal and ongoing performance based assessment is probably far more appropriate and more reliable than scheduled pencil and paper tests. Dominic Gullo in his book Kindergarten Today (National Assn. for the Education of Young Children; Chapter 13, “Assessment in Kindergarten”) says that kindergarten children, far more than any other grade, challenge teachers with vastly differing levels of development, different prior experiences, a wide range of backgrounds and different learning styles. He feels that informal assessments, which include interviews, observations, checklists, rubrics, and examples of actual work, have many advantages over formal testing in kindergartens and should always be a part of the kindergarten teaching/learning process. The tests you’re concerned about are considered achievement tests or formal assessments. In our schools, most of them are built into the curriculum modules being used with the children, so at least they usually tie in specifically to what the child is learning. For example our local school math curriculum “Investigation” has regular “tests” of the concepts being learned, many of which are done with concrete materials. But since the teachers also have to track progress in reading, science, and other core curriculum areas, there are many other “tests.” Kindergarten children could actually have some type of formal achievement assessment every month. In our country I don’t think we are going to be able to make this testing trend go away, even though Finland, with one of the world’s finest educational systems, does little or no formal achievement testing with young children. The more we know about assessment, however, the better we can insure that it’s is being done in appropriate ways with our children. In my next column Sat. Mar. 26, we’ll cover purposes of assessment, teacher concerns, developmentally appropriate guidelines, and what the Michigan Department of Education expects. March 2011 WHAT'S FINLAND'S SECRET TO SUCCESS IN EDUCATION? A few weeks ago Finland was being lauded in our national news for having one of the best educational systems in the world. This isn’t new; they’ve had an excellent system since the 60’s. In 1972 and 1974 my husband and I hosted two Rotary exchange students from Finland. We were impressed with these two sisters and their excellent academic skills. We were astounded when they told us that in Finland, children attend government supported preschool programs from ages 3 to 5, after which 99% go to public school kindergarten at age 6, but children to not have formal reading instruction until age 7. Finland was making sure its youngest students got an excellent foundation. This is still true today. Kindergarten curriculum emphasizes child development, “learning to learn” skills and positive self-image. Teachers have academic backgrounds in early education, and in a classroom of 13-20 there are two teachers. The curriculum includes language/literacy and interactions, math, ethics, philosophy, health, physical development, culture, art, natural studies, and the environment. Although the children have many experiences with literature, stories and books in these early years, they don’t start formal reading until age seven! Finland’s education leaders have found that by age seven ALL children are ready and eager to have formal reading instruction. None have to be pushed or pulled, they are raring to go. Yes, of course many children may have already taught themselves to read by age seven, but this is seen as an advantage in the classroom, not a problem. What is most interesting about this is that Finland has 100 % literacy rate. So do Norway Sweden, Denmark, Estonia, and Iceland. These are six of the 12 countries in the world that have a 100 % literacy rate. And guess what! In all six of these countries, they do not start formal reading until age seven. All these countries have very similar early education systems and nearly identical kindergarten curricula. The United States has a 97% literacy rate, and there are 54 countries that have higher literacy rates than we do. (Online, search PISA world literacy comparison data) Finland and its neighbors have proven that if they fund early education and prioritize child development and readiness in their curriculum planning they will grow children eager to learn and achieve. They have fewer dropouts than we do and fewer reading problems in the elementary years. They understand and act on the 75 years of child development research that tells us the years from 3 to 8 are priority years in education. We can’t replicate the educational system of Finland, but we should try to follow their example of supporting early education and making kindergarten more developmentally appropriate. We cannot “catch up” to Finland’s fine example of 100% literacy by pushing and pulling every single five year- old to read if some aren’t ready. Yes, some children will enjoy the “pushing” and learn to read and write well before grade one, but some others are likely to develop a dislike for school and have reading problems later on. Think about this: When you buy peaches, you have to wait for some to get ripe; you can’t MAKE them ripen. I asked a local fruit grower recently if there was a way to make a peach get ripe before it is ready. He said that you could change the environment a little by cutting out some tree branches to let in more sun, and you might then be able to force the peach to be ripe a few days earlier. But, he said, the peach that is forced that way won’t ever be quite as good as the peach that you let ripen on its own. It will have lower sugar content and may not have good texture; it loses some of its “peachness”. I think we could learn some things from Finland and from nature. Oct. 2010 BE READY WITH GOOD QUESTIONS FOR PARENT CONFERENCES Rumors about what the school district or the State Dept of Education is doing often float around in a community causing unnecessary concern. Let’s extinguish some rumors and share other facts you need to know before parent conferences in October. In these times of increased pressure on children to achieve, it’s more important than ever for parents or realize that what happens with their children in the early years of school will impact their lives forever. Schools are funded with our taxes. Parents have the right, and the responsibility to ask questions about what children are learning and what methods and tools are used. Kids are an investment in the future…your future and theirs. Know what their needs are at school and don’t be afraid to ask questions if you want your investment to grow and prosper. RUMOR: If our school has low reading scores in K or grades 1-3, the State of Michigan Dept of Education (MDE) will take away some of our funding. FACT: Our scores as a district have been among the top ratings in the state for years; we are not in danger. According to the No Child Left Behind Act, (NCLB) which has nothing to do with funds, only with testing, if a school in Michigan or any other state does not make Adequate Yearly Progress (AYP) there are federally required consequences. Examples: Bus children to another district. Make improvements by a certain date, RUMOR: The MDE standards for each grade level (GLCE’s or Grade Level Content Expectations) get harder each year. FACT: The GLCE’s have never been revised since they were developed. But our state has just joined over 30 other states in adopting the national Common Core standards. These replace but are very similar to the old GLCE’s. Guidance on how to aid teachers in age appropriate instruction to help children reach these end of year standards is planned for school districts at conferences. We are one of the top districts in the state; we will surely be represented at the conferences. See www.gomiem.org/content/instruction. RUMOR: The MDE tells kindergarten and elementary teachers exactly how many minutes per day must be spent teaching language arts, math and other subjects. FACT: The MDE has no control over and does not monitor local school district instruction, programs or curriculum tools. So if you have heard about and want to know more about our own district’s “Daily Instructional Minutes” form, ask the teacher how it works in the classroom. Jame McCall, our Executive Director of Elementary and Special Education, says, “The Minutes are a Guide, not a Bible.” RUMOR: The No Child Left Behind Act says children must be tested and rated frequently from grades K through 12. FACT: NCLB only requires testing from grade 3 and up. Michigan has been using its own testing (MEAP Michigan Education Assessment Program) from grade three and up for many years. When you go to your conference, be prepared to not only share information about your child’s learning style, talents and what motivates him best. Also list the questions you want to ask. Be prepared to ask questions about reading, language arts and testing. Go on line to read and print the Position Statements on Appropriate Assessment and on Literacy for children written by the Michigan Association for the Education of Young Children (www.miaeyc.org Search position statements.) These statements may give you some ideas for discussion. It may help you to know the names of a few of our district’s curriculum tools. In kindergarten and grades 1-2 they use the “DRA” (Developmental Reading Assessment) kits that include books at various levels of difficulty, as well as built in assessment tools, such as the “guided reading” running record assessment. If you want to know more about these books and assessment tools, ask the teacher. In Kindergarten and grades 1 and 2 our schools use “Investigation” (which has built in assessments) for math. Go to Google to learn more about these curriculum tools. DO BLOCKS AND LEARNING CENTERS STILL BELONG IN KINDERGARTEN? Q. They said blocks and dramatic play were not appropriate in my son’s kindergarten, and were planning to remove them. Some of my friends say their learning centers, including blocks, are intact. Did the Michigan Department of Education (MDE) say these things don’t belong? Concerned Parent A. I was able to reach the MDE Office of Early Childhood and Family Services and I’ve been in touch by email and phone with Lindy Buch, PhD, the Director of the Office of Early Childhood Education and Family Services, and Richard Lower, Supervisor of Preschool and Early Elementary Programs. They told me that the Michigan Dept. of Education does not have a policy that prohibits the use of blocks and dramatic play areas in Kindergartens. In addition, the Office of Early Childhood and Family Services would not provide guidance that having blocks and learning centers is not developmentally appropriate because they are completely appropriate in kindergartens. Dr. Lindy Buch, agreed that sometimes administrators, principals and even parents don’t fully understand that kindergarteners need hands on and concrete experiences to internalize what they are learning. Adults need to understand that time to move about and work in teacher- planned learning centers is not play, but an appropriate and successful teaching and learning method supported by research. She said “If someone asked me about kindergarten I would refer them to the National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC 800-424 2460) and the new “Developmentally Appropriate Practices” book, which includes an entire section devoted to Kindergarten.” Buch also mentioned “Reaching Standards and Beyond in Kindergarten” and “Kindergarten Today.” NAEYC has been a highly respected organization among state departments of education and universities for over sixty years providing books and research to the early education field such as “The Block Book” and “Number in Preschool and Kindergarten.” She stated that they hope school districts try to hire kindergarten teachers who have early childhood endorsements and/or expertise; our own district has always tried to do this. Buch also noted that MDE relies on national and state professional organizations to help local districts. The Intermediate School Districts (ISD’s) and the MIAEYC (miaeyc.org) often provide professional development specifically for kindergarten teachers and administrators. Dr. Buch’s office does not monitor K-12 school district curriculum or instruction for kindergarten. “We can give advice, and we try to constantly remind the public and teachers that the Grade Level Content Expectations are for the END of the school year, not the beginning of the year.” She suggested that teachers work gradually toward the Kindergarten Grade Level Content Expectations. Dr. Bush hopes that all day kindergarten will give the teachers a more relaxed time frame in which to present curriculum content. She agreed that the full day can provide time to offer a greater variety of developmentally appropriate ways for children to internalize content through experiences in learning centers and by working in small groups. She said that the Curriculum Unit of the MDE is responsible for Grade Level Content Expectations and that guidance in strategies for “how to” reach the K and Grades 1-2 standards in age appropriate ways is being considered and discussed. If this ever happens it will help ease pressure on kindergarten teachers to prioritize and push academic content and, instead, keep it well balanced with other good things that have always been associated with an excellent kindergarten curriculum. When I spoke with Jame McCall, TCAPS Executive Director of Elementary and Special Education, regarding the concerns of parents about removing dramatic play and blocks from some of the kindergartens because they are not ”age appropriate” she seemed surprised. She said she was not aware that blocks, other equipment or dramatic play areas were being removed. She felt that these were all appropriate to use in kindergartens for learning and reinforcement of skills, and said she would look into it. McCall said that if blocks had been removed in a particular kindergarten it was probably due to a safety issue such as a child throwing blocks. I felt that an alternative solution would not have deprived the other children of using blocks as a learning tool. McCall spoke very highly of our kindergarten teachers. She is happy to be able to place new teachers with mentors that are experienced kindergarten teachers. She also feels that the all day kindergarten will help teachers have more time to know and work with their children, meeting their individual needs. McCall was particularly pleased that the kindergarten teachers will start meeting regularly again as they did in the past to share ideas and strategies. Sept. 2010 KINDERGARTEN ISSUES - UNHAPPY KINDERGARTENER Q. My son is a kindergartener going to a public school for the first time. He started school in mid August, and before this he attended preschool for two years. Since starting public school, he has completely changed his personality and attitude about school and learning. He is unhappy, often cries, and often lashes out, saying he hates school and wishes he could stay home. He used to be a happy, caring little boy who loved learning new things; he is not the same child. What should we do? D.N. Online in Tennessee A. If kindergarten is mandated as compulsory in your state, you can’t keep him home or in preschool for another year. So as soon as possible, make an appointment to visit and observe him in the classroom; try to see what is causing the problem. Remember that it is perfectly ok for you to visit his classroom. Public schools are funded with your money and you have a right to visit, especially if your child is not acting normally and is in need of help. Observe quietly and take notes unobtrusively. Make an appointment for a parent conference and tell the teacher what is happening with your child at home. He needs to regain a positive attitude and love of learning. Work together to help him and develop a plan for improvement that includes descriptive praise and positive reinforcement. Kindergarten is not mandatory in many states; I am not sure of the law in Tennessee, but where I live, in Michigan, Kindergarten is not mandatory. In those states where Kindergarten is not mandated, the compulsory age for public school is the age at which children enter first grade. In these states it is perfectly legal for five-year olds to stay home or attend a preschool until they enter first grade. If you are able to do so and you choose to keep your child at home instead of having him continue with kindergarten, you should go online to your State Department of Education and find out what outcomes are expected by kindergarten children by the end of the school year. Children can achieve these outcomes by being taught through concrete learning and play experiences either at home or in a preschool. For example, blocks can be used to teach counting, addition, subtraction, estimation, weight and measurement, and geometric shapes. Problem solving is learned inherently and naturally as children use construction skills with blocks of all kinds. Open or leading questions asked by the adult can guide the child in learning simple to more complex math concepts as they use both unit blacks and table blocks. When children create an unusual block structure, a photo can be taken and what children say about the creation can be printed, posted and read by the children. This ties in literacy and reading with the children’s creative problem solving and construction. Many other concrete literacy activities that have relevance to five-year old children can be used to successfully teach pre reading and reading skills. For example, good preschools and kindergartens use reading, storytelling, personal journaling, dictation on art work, and dramatic play, including children’s own stories or plays. They also use computers to print out children’s words about their ideas, their work or creations. All these activities teach letters, phonics and reading skills. If you are a fortunate parent who does not have to work outside the home, you can do these things at home with your child. ARE PARENTS GROWING CHILDREN AS PROJECTS OR PEOPLE? Q. I have our three year old in a play group that meets twice a week. I like the socialization with the other moms, but feel great pressures when I hear them talk about their plans to get their children into pre dance, pre gymnastics, sports and so on. I don’t understand why! But I wonder if I’m doing my child a disservice by not jumping on this bandwagon. Is she going to lose an edge or be less successful if I just send her to regular preschool next year and enjoy my time with her instead? Anxious Mom Online A. You know your child best, and you should trust your own instincts. Until she shows a real interest or talent in such activities, ignore these pressures. Find a good part time preschool next year, but enjoy every moment of your own time together. You’re lucky to have the time, because it’s in these early years that you can best develop the family communication and bonds your child will need most during the school years, as well as the values you hold and life skills you want to teach. These are the years to develop strong self esteem that comes of feeling both loveable and capable and the social skills of understanding how to share and communicate with peers and adults. These are the years she needs to learn how her behavior affects others, which is more valuable than rote manners. These are the years to encourage self help and self discipline that’s the foundation for making wise choices, and the years she must learn that she has to accept the responsibility and consequences of poor choices or behavior. In the long-term scheme of life, school and the real world, these things are far more important than just being “smart” or competitive. What good is being clever and competitive unless you learn these other things too? Many parents make the mistake of buying in to the concept that their children will learn what they need for success in life by being involved in as many scheduled activities as possible. They don’t realize that they may be letting other adults influence their child’s values and life skills, and abdicating their roles in nurturing other aspects of their children’s development. They don’t realize that some children develop hidden anxieties and resentments to “pushing” and over scheduling that surfaces in later years as rebellion, disrespect and rudeness. Parents’ choices must be made in children’s best long term interest, and based on the individual needs of the child, not because “everyone is doing it." The pressures on parents to “over cultivate” young children makes them think of children as “projects” not people. See more in next week’s column about the role that marketing/consumerism plays in this issue, and find out what the American Academy of Pediatricians says about it in its latest release of research. Aug. 2010 PREVENTING MISCHIEF WHILE YOU'RE BUSY Q: My daughter is 3 yrs old and potty trained and hasn’t had any accidents for months. But two weeks ago I got a part time job making phone calls for a company. While I was on the phone she peed on her bed, then told me to come see what she'd done. A couple days later, she did it again, and then again. She’s probably doing it to get my attention but this has to stop. Lee Online A: It’s very normal for 3's to be jealous of the time you take to talk on the phone or use the computer. One thing you can do is help them see your telephone time or pc time as a good thing instead of a bad thing for them. Let me tell you a story. When our daughters were three and four, I started a cooperative preschool center, which was very exciting for me. I was highly involved with the recruitment of parents and the planning, so I was on the phone a great deal. One day when I was done talking I noticed that it was very quiet...too quiet. (This was before the age of wireless phones you could walk around with.) I went to investigate. They’d taken a new carton of margarine from the refrigerator and completely covered our poodle with it! The poodle then tried to get it off...on the furniture, the drapes, the rugs and even the piano legs. What a mess! The girls are now in their 40’s and neither will admit to whose idea it was. Being an early childhood educator, I should have known that I had to plan some interesting activities for them to do (within my sight) in the kitchen or whenever I was going to be making or receiving calls! From then on I made sure they had other options than getting into mischief. They could only use these special things during “mom’s busy time”. They stopped seeing the phone as the enemy and saw it as "good times." These activities, used only at the kitchen table, were simple to set up and easy for kids to clean up. Similar special activities could be set up in your home office. July 2010 WHEN TO ENTER PRESCHOOL – AND NAME CALLING Q. At what age should we send our child to a nursery school? My parents, my wife and I agree that our child can profit from being among peers in a nursery school, but we disagree about when our child should start. Some think it should be now at age two, others think we should wait until age 4. Our main problem is that we’re an immigrant family in the UK, and we would like to teach our child our native language before he goes to school. Shouldn’t our son stay at home to learn the mother tongue first and wait to learn English in preschool at age four? Victor online in UK A. There is no hard and fast rule about when a child should go to preschool. It depends on the child and family. If your child is independent and outgoing and also somewhat bored because he loves to be busy learning new things and having new experiences, he will be happy to start preschool from age 2/12 to 3. Generally, however, most children do not do well in preschool before age 3, since the main focus of their development from birth to three is about learning to feel trust and love within the family and to gain a sense of self. As to your concern about language, research has proven over and over again that very young children (even those under age two) can learn two languages simultaneously and easily. Don’t worry about this at all. Let your choice be based on your individual child's needs, the availability of a good preschool, and your own values. Q. I occasionally jokingly call my 3-year-old a "ding dong" when he does something silly. He giggles and calls me one back or says in a silly voice, "I'm not a ding dong!" We both chuckle and all is good. Others tell me that this is "name-calling" and will hurt his self-esteem and make him mean to other kids. What’s your opinion? S. T. W. Online A. I agree with the friends, family or teachers who do not approve. The reason your child thinks this is okay right now or funny right now is that he is at the stage of learning language. This means he really loves funny sounding sounds or words. Believe me, at three and even four, children do NOT understand irony or sarcasm or any type of humor of this nature. The problem here is that while this particular word appeals to him now, this is due only to its interesting sound. He will soon learn from others...Yes, count on it...that there are negative vibes associated with this word, and then he WILL feel bad about himself. So please stop doing this. Ease out of it by using a lot of nonsense sounds instead of “ding dong” for a few days and then drop the sounds entirely and use only his name. July 2010 KIDS AND PC SAFETY Q: Our children are only three and five. We have a personal computer and we do searches, use email, and write letters, but are not into chat rooms. We are already afraid that our kids will know more than we do about the computer in a few years. How are we going to protect them from the dangers of email from strangers and bad chat rooms? A: You are aware parents; you are already taking the first step. At school the children will learn how to use the computer, but the school cannot teach them to make wise, safe choices, or insure that they will come to you if they have a problem. What your kids do online in a few years will depend a lot on what you are doing right now. Do you listen (as well as talk) to your kids, and can you have conversations about ANYthing the child wants to know? Do you enjoy each others company and do things together as a family? Do your children understand that you have safety rules about many things because you love them and want them to be safe. The same safety rules need to be applied in using the computer. Experts in online safety for children say that good parent-child communication is absolutely your very best tool for preventing problems. If your children have always been able to come to you with problems, and if they know you will listen and help them, even when they make a mistake, they will probably continue to do so. While your kids are young, develop and keep using the best parent child communication possible. * Talk about stranger danger on the PC and Net and tell children why they should never to give out ANY personal information online. Do NOT allow your kids to do online profiles; they attract predators. PUNISHMENT AND PLAY SPACES; DISPELLING MYTHS I’m doing my “soap box thing” today because I feel it’s necessary to dispel a few myths that are causing problems for many of today’s young parents. Myth 2. Time out works as a discipline approach with all ages of young children from toddlerhood to age six. Myth 3. Play pens damage young children because in a play pen they are confined in a “cage.” Parents often write that they are totally worn out because their toddler is hanging on their leg and the baby is crying and wants to be held all the time. The logical thing to do is put the baby in the crib (a safe place) or put the toddler in the play pen space near by (also a safe place) and interact and enjoy both children in a comfortable way. It is the WAY parents use the play pen or play space that matters! If you use them the way they’re intended it’s a win-win situation. Of course, if a parent just plunked the child in a play pen with nothing to do and nothing to play with, and if they put the play pen where the child could not see anyone in the family, it wouldn’t be good at all. But play pen spaces are safe places where infants can have “tummy time” and watch or interact with family members busy nearby. Children can play with soft blocks and stimulating toys. Toddlers can look at picture books or play with sounds or textures, or listen to music. And parents can get some respite. I say bring back play pens and make your lives easier! June 2010 PARENTS, PUNISHMENT AND PLAY SPACES Q. We’re trying to teach our five-year old boy responsibility by having him put his toys away at day’s end, not scattered all over the house. It’s not working, so we feel it’s time for an ultimatum: Put the toys away at the end of the day or be punished. My wife thinks we should punish very lightly since he may commit far worse “crimes” when he’s a teen so we should save our punishments for later. I feel it’s better to be strict now so that lessons will be learned and maybe future 'crimes' can be avoided. What do you think? G. and M. Online A. You two are getting hung up on the punishment issue (More about that next week) and in so doing, you may be totally missing the point. What's the issue? What is your goal? Your goal is to teach him responsibility by getting him to put the toys away. So first see what obstacles might be creating a problem or making him uncooperative. If you get him to cooperate, be responsible and do the job, the discipline question will be easier to resolve. A five-year old (or younger) child thinks and perceives things far differently than adults. When we see a lot of toys spread out over the floor, we know almost exactly how many toys we see and we immediately begin categorizing them into groups in our minds because of our adult powers of perception and years of experience. But when a young child sees toys spread out all over a floor, the child actually believes there are three or four times as many toys as there really are. The child's visual perception is not as correct as an adult's. This is why children are so discouraged about picking up toys and want to give up before they start. Try to visualize what HE sees. Then show him how to start by piling up different types of toys into groups…books, cars, blocks, etc. This will immediately make it easier for him to perceive that the job is not as big as he thought. Solve the problem by making a rule that he must (just like in school) put away each thing he uses where it belongs when he is done with it. To do this he needs low, open storage of some kind, like stacking cubes or wall shelves in the designated play spaces. Putting picture or word labels on the cubbies or shelves helps the child put things away correctly. (Take away toys he doesn’t put away.) Next he needs to have one or two defined play spaces in your home (NOT the entire house) with the rule that he ONLY plays with toys in these places unless he gets special permission to use them elsewhere. (Take away toys that are not where they should be.) Sometimes he might ask to use play dough at the kitchen table on a tray. Or he might want to take certain toys outdoors. Consider rotating some of the toys; maybe he has too many to choose from at a time. Put some away for a few weeks and then rotate them back into play and remove others. While he is learning the rules to put things away, you may also need to make some toys inaccessible so he has to ask you for them after you check to see if previous materials are put away. Teaching responsibility means teaching self-discipline and limits. Parental guidance can be a positive thing instead of a punishing thing. Young children are not born with a sense of responsibility and they need specific and positive parental guidance to develop it. If you set up the environment to make it easier for him to be responsible, and if you PRAISE him for putting his toys away where they belong, he will feel proud and capable. Children repeat behaviors for which they are praised. Praise him for being responsible and he will become a responsible person. More next week about parents, “crime”& punishment, and play spaces. June 2010 PRESCHOOL OR KINDERGARTEN - WHAT IS BEST FOR THE CHILD? Q. Our son has a late fall birthday, and even though it would be more "convenient" for us to put him in kindergarten this year, (we both work) we want to do what's best for him. We think he’ll be more successful in school, long term, if he has another year at home in his excellent preschool. He’ll have another year to mature in every way. However, he will be disappointed when a few friends go to kindergarten this fall. Are we doing the right thing? A. I think you’re making a wise decision based on your son's best long term interests. I realize that putting your child's needs above your own is not easy. In addition to your child's unique needs, you have to consider economics, logistics, work schedules, after school options, school policy on entry age (which differs among the states) and what kind of kindergarten your child would attend. Long term research tells us children who are younger than most of the others in a kindergarten class have a more difficult time being successful in kindergarten and throughout the elementary years. In addition, kindergarten programs across the country range from those that are highly teacher centered, structured, and based on isolated skill teaching through drill and work sheets to those which have developmentally appropriate classrooms where children take an active role in hands on learning projects covering all aspects of learning. Some kindergarten teachers have specific early education college training; some have none; it depends on the state qualifications. Many early childhood authorities believe that we need more consistency in the training and qualifications of kindergarten teachers to implement the kind of developmentally based curriculum that would help ALL children be successful. Until then, it may be best to wait a year to send the child to kindergarten, using a quality preschool or child care center instead. Parents making this decision should visit proposed kindergartens and investigate these issues thoroughly before making a decision. Other reasons to wait a year can be found by looking into the future. If your child is one of the youngest in the class, many of his/her friends later on will be able to have drivers' permits and jobs a year earlier. If your family values sports, your child has a better chance to succeed if he is older, not younger than the rest. If your child is younger than most of the others, puberty will arrive for others much earlier, often causing your child to feel somewhat like a misfit. You are doing the right thing; make the most of this wonderful "extra" year with your son. June 2010 HERE ARE THE TOP 10 SIGNS OF A GOOD KINDERGARTEN From "Early Years are Learning Years" copyright 1996, the National Association for the Education of Young Children, Wash. DC 1. Children are playing and working with materials or other children, not aimlessly wandering or forced to sit for long periods. TIRED MOM NEEDS HELP AND ADVICE Q. I’m going to deliver my fourth child in four months. We have three others, ages 8, 6 and 4. I love them dearly, but some days I think they'd be better off with a kinder, more patient parent. I’m tired and either grouching at them or apologizing. Our tiny house is always cluttered, and the kids squabble like geese over corn over anything or nothing. They are bright kids with many interesting things to do at home. Our oldest resorts to goofy behavior in public, and taunts the others when at home. I nag him constantly. I’m a well-educated parent with a supportive spouse, but I feel like a terrible parent. Last night I told my husband that I give up. From now on the children can be as horrible as they wish and I’ll just be like all the lazy parents who don't bother to correct them…they seem to be having an easier time than I do. Tired Mom in TN A. I totally agree that many parents are lazy and do nothing when kids misbehave. But when those kids are teens it will be pay back time, BIG time. You keep on trying; it should help prevent problems later. Even if you’re tired and frustrated, I feel that you have a good sense of humor and that you’re a good writer. Maybe you should start jotting down these family incidents for a future book! It's my bet that you are a verbal person and that you actually do lots of talking to your young children. (I’m very verbal and I "over talk.) One thing I did wrong with our children was to say the same things repeatedly and use long lectures when they only needed the "short form" version. Resolve to act more and talk less. Use your eyes and face to give the message. Make a few simple rules for the kids. Choose those most important to you. Post them clearly so you will remember that these are your priorities, and ignore the less important stuff. Pack up kids’ clothes and toys that aren’t being used and store them. Store some toys in boxes, and then switch them out with other toys in a month; rotate them so there’s less or deal with. Add shelves in the kids’ room and insist that things are put away according to picture/word labels on the shelves. Shorten your directions to the kids. If there are boots or a coat on the floor, say 'John, Boots!" and point. Wait expectantly and silently. Say "Susan...Coat!" Point and wait. Use your sense of humor to redirect the kids' behavior. When they are all talking and squabbling at once in your kitchen, try getting a pot out of the cupboard, putting it on your head and sitting on the counter. Laughter helps. When you have their attention, take off the pot, and discuss the problem at hand calmly. Apr. 2010 REASONS WHY TODDLER WON'T PLAY WITH MOM Q. My daughter is 16 months and it’s very difficult to keep her entertained. She’s interested in games or books for no more than 5 to 10 minutes and we have to change the activity or she gets’ fussy and clingy. Is this normal? I end up tired out with no time for myself. L.L. Online A. I can certainly understand why you are so tired. The problem is that you are expecting too much of your toddler. It is quite normal for a toddler to only be interested in an activity for 5-10 minutes, unless the activity is very, very age appropriate and interesting to toddlers. If you’re using books and activities that are better suited to two's or 3's, I am afraid you're just going to keep getting tired and your child will continue to be frustrated and clingy. Fortunately this is an easy problem to fix. Go to amazon.com and get the books by Fances Ilg and Louise Ames called "Your One Year Old" and "Your Two Year Old" or at least get the one about two's to start with. These are part of a series of easy to read, practical books about what to expect and how to cope with children from birth to age 8. The books will help you know what to expect of your toddler and how best to interest her. Keep the activities for her open ended, such as various kinds of blocks, like wooden, soft or bristle blocks. There’s no right or wrong way to build and create with blocks so these are excellent intellectual skill builders. Books you use must be created especially for this age, such as big picture books you can look at together. You should also stimulate her senses. You can do this in many ways, from being outdoors and taking note of smells and sounds or by using mobiles, chimes, CDs and even things in the kitchen to increase her awareness of scents and sounds. You can also buy special easy puzzles for toddlers that are made of textured rubber or wood. Try out a homemade game with her using a bag in which you put a few familiar objects; let her guess what each item is by feeling it. One of the best things you can do is set up water play to use indoors. Keep it simple. Put a few inches of water in a plastic dish pan on top of a thick towel on the floor. Give her plastic cups and small plastic containers to fill and empty. Add some things that float and some that sink, or add food color and a little soap for bubbles if you like. You can even add an interesting rock or large seashell to examine. Be sure the water exploration items are not things she would put try to swallow. When you use simple these things for exploration and play, you'll both enjoy it. Apr. 2010 INFANTS NEED "TUMMY TIME" EXERCISE Q. My daughter will soon have her second baby, and her toddler seems to be behind others her age in walking and climbing. The preschool says this is a developmental delay or lag and they are doing specific things to help her catch up. What can we do with the new baby that will help so that she won’t be behind? E.M. Online A. A new survey of over 400 pediatric, physical, occupational and speech therapists confirms what early childhood teachers have been suspecting for several years. Two Thirds of the specialists agree that there is an increase of early motor delays in infants over the past six years. There are reasons why this is happening and ways to prevent it. Twenty years ago babies were carried from place to place and then put down on blankets on the floor or in a playpen to lie or roll or wiggle freely. Think about it. We’ve all seen infants on a blanket on the floor who are not even a month old move their heads, lift up their heads and look around. This movement helps develop back and neck muscles. Today’s parents have a great variety of choices about what to put infants “in” in order to transport them. Infants now spend much of their awake time in car seats, bouncers, swings and strollers. In addition most babies are put to sleep on their backs to prevent Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. (SIDS) All of this time on their backs means that many infants are not developing their neck and back muscles, and this contributes to the early motor delays seen in the past few years. Therapists agree that if parents understood the infant’s need for a few minutes of structured “tummy time” several times throughout the day, they could lessen or prevent these early motor delay problems. To start a tummy time with the baby, the parent would let the infant lie on the tummy on a clean, flat surface on a blanket and let the infant move freely. If the parent lies down too, so the infant can see and interact face to face, it encourages movement. The parents can also hold the child in different ways (for example upright on one’s chest with infant looking over the adult’s shoulder, or on the tummy across the parents thighs). Pathways Awareness, the organization that sponsored the national study, has developed “Five Moves for Baby’s First Workout,” a guide to help parents integrate simple and enjoyable exercises into the infant’s normal day. This guide includes photos tips and suggestions for integrating tummy time starting with only a few seconds or a minute and working up to the recommended amount of time. Visit www.pathwaysawareness.org for information or call the parent help line 800-955-CHILD (2445) Jan 2009 ACTIVE PLAY IS VITAL FOR KIDS Q. I read an article in Good Housekeeping last summer about how kids are developing problems with obesity, diabetes, heart disease, and high blood pressure nowadays because they are inside so much playing video games and watching TV. I’ve seen TV specials dealing with childhood obesity. My grandchildren are already overweight at ages 6 and 8. What can we do about this? Should they go outside more? What if it isn’t safe? Do infants and toddlers need more exercise? Concerned Grandma Online A. Yes a lack of exercise in children’s lives is a very real problem and the health risks you mentioned are real. One in three of today’s children are overweight and at risk. The dangers do extend to infants and toddlers; early motor delays are rising. (More about infants and exercise next week.) When we were young many children rode bikes to school or walked. After school the first thing we did was go outside and play with other kids. We had no video games and played outdoors on the weekend. In addition, all the parents in that neighborhood kept an eye out to see that we did not get in trouble and called our own moms if we misbehaved. It was a very different kind of world than it is today. Now most kids have long bus rides to school, parents in a neighborhood make little effort to know each other, we worry about child molesters, and most moms opt to have the kids indoors watching TV or using videos instead of going out for fresh air and exercise. It doesn’t have to be that way; there ARE things we can do to address this problem and have healthy, active children. Make a New Year’s resolution to do this! Active play helps children’s circulation and boosts BRAIN power as well as physical skills and bone and muscle strength. Several studies, as mentioned in that Good Housekeeping article have indicated that children who play outdoors are smarter, calmer, more self disciplined and happier. What parent wouldn’t want that? Here are some tips from the article about erasing barriers to outdoor play. It is worth the effort. * Lessen video and TV time and set up a daily outdoor play time. PARENT OF TODDLER NEEDS REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS Q. My son is two and does not play independently with toys. When I ask him to make barns or buildings with blocks he cries and asks me to do it. Putting away the blocks doesn’t help. He has no patience for trying new things; he just gives up and asks me to do it. I am worried. Please help. R.S. Online A. Your child is a perfectly normal two year- old and the things you are expecting of him are not possible at this age. Making buildings with blocks are things he will be able to do when he is nearer to age four. He wants you to do the building because he really cannot yet conceptualize these things or how to build them.. Instead of putting the blocks away, you need to encourage him to play with and experiment with the blocks on his own and discover all the ways HE can enjoy them. The developmental steps or sequence for learning to use blocks starts with carrying blocks around and putting them inside containers and taking them out, and laying them down flat like “roads”. Next the child will make a tower of several blocks, and then a bridge with three blocks. Next the child repeats these patterns both vertically and horizontally. Finally children start to build a creation, sometimes naming it when it’s done. Last they plan a creation, sometimes cooperating and dividing the building tasks with others. If you provide blocks and time, space and praise, all children will go through this sequence of learning block-building skills. Right now, you are setting up models of things and then expecting him to copy them. You are creating a “product,” which infers that there’s only one way to do it. Blocks are meant to be used in “open ended” ways where there is no right or wrong way to build. This way the child can experiment, discover, and learn as he/she creates. Feeling that there is a “wrong way “ to build makes a child give up on the creative process. But the thinking process is what’s really important. If you want him to play independently with confidence, put the blocks in an area with little no traffic. Give him bins or shelves so he can use the blocks and put them back. Encourage him to put blocks into a bucket and take them out. Lay out some on the floor like a road. Stack up a few blocks in a short tower and let it fall and rebuild it with him. Build a bridge of three blocks. These are things he can do that will lead to mastery of more complex skills. Find the book "Your Two Year Old" by Louise Ames and Frances Ilg on amazon.com or at the library. You will learn what to expect from a two-year old and how to guide his learning and enjoy him at the same time. Feb. 2009 EASY DISCOVERY LEARNING AT HOME Q. I read your column about how children learn how to play with blocks in a series of steps, and I wondered why creating with blocks is such a good thing. Besides what if they throw the blocks instead of using them the ways you described.? You will probably say that’s when you should put them away. Please tell me more ways to help my child learn creative thinking or problems solving skills with simple things. I cannot afford to go out and buy games and toys for my two and three year old, but maybe you can give me other ideas. K.P. Online A. I will be glad to share some ideas that are simple and either free or inexpensive. The important thing is to provide some simple things they can use on their own in a safe place. Your goal is that they explore, experiment, discover and create in their own ways. (Don’t set up models for them to copy.) And yes, when children don’t use materials in the ways they should be used, you immediately take them away and say, “No, you can only build with the blocks; if you throw them you cannot use them.” Or, “No, you can only use the play dough on the cookie sheet at the table. If you can’t do this, you cannot use the play dough.” Now, here are some ideas to encourage discovery thinking and problem solving skills. Look in your kitchen for safe things to play with that make interesting noises or sounds...like pot lids, measuring spoons, empty boxes, etc. Let them make music of their own or play along with music from the radio. You can dance to the music too, and even get out some old silk scarves to wave as you dance to the music. Physical activity is good for both body and the brain. Get some free boxes of varied sizes from a store and let children play with them. They can get inside some of them or sit on others. You can even get one big box and let him use it as a play house, letting them use safe markers or crayons to decorate it. Giving them a few simple “dress up” props from you closet will add to the creative thinking and play. Go to my website www.askevelyn.com, click on the creative pages and try the easy recipe for home made play dough. Children learn many thinking and problem solving skills plus creativity, and it’s a good way for you enjoy time together. Feb. 2009 THREE YEAR OLD HITS OTHER CHILDREN Q. My three year old is an only child. I stay at home with her so she’s never been to day care. She loves to be around other kids so I try and set up as many play dates as I can. The problem is when she is playing she will almost always hit the other child. It’s always with a toy, never with her hand. When I ask her about it she doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with this. My form of punishment has been to walk her to the trash can where she can watch me throw the toy away and I tell her that if she hits someone with a toy she cannot play with or have the toy anymore. She cries about it but then does the same thing at the next play date. I have thrown out too many toys and it’s obviously not working. I don't want my child to be the mean girl no one wants to play with. What can I do? Worried Mom On line A. Disposing of or putting away a toy works might work if she’s just playing with it unsafely. But if someone is getting hurt you need to do more. Right now you are focusing on the toy instead of the action of hitting that your own child performed. That is not helping her learn what not to do. You need to do more. First comfort the child who is hit or hurt and pay no attention to your child at all until the “victim’ stops crying and is comforted. Then tell your child that she hurt her friend and hitting is wrong and bad because it hurts. Look her straight in the eyes and be totally calm and FIRM about this. Tell her to look at the other child’s face; remind her that her friend was crying and was hurt. You also need to say "NO" as you move your child aside so that you can comfort the “victim”. Tell your child that hitting others is not acceptable, and you don’t like it and she cannot do it. Say she cannot play with a friend if she hits. Also remove her if you suspect a "hit" is coming. Prevention is always best. You say she enjoys the other children. Tell her she cannot have them over to play if she hits, and follow through. In addition, find a good preschool center and have her go at least two days a week. She needs socialization skills and cannot learn them well in the present situation. Visit the program first to see if they are doing appropriate things with threes like short circle times for songs and stories, and ample free play in well defined learning centers where there are puzzles and table toys, play dough, art media, a Housekeeping or dramatic play area with dolls and dress ups, as well as blocks and books. March 2009 NO ROUGH-HOUSING AT BEDTIME! Q. Our two year old boy whines and cries at bedtime, and tries to get up, but it only happens when his dad puts him to bed. What does this mean? This is really unusual and only happens when his dad puts him to bed, never with anyone else. B.E. Online A. I think I may know what’s wrong. If your husband is roughhousing and tickling and laughing with your son just before bedtime, he is creating a “high” spirit in your son which makes it very hard for him to settle down and go to sleep, even if he is tired. Young children cannot come "down" from the "high" that this type of play involves. They can’t “turn if off” like adults can. When he is laughing and wrestling and being tickled, (if that is the case) it would be almost impossible to calm down and go to bed. Your son needs a calm quiet time for 30 minutes before he goes to bed. Make up a simple, relaxing bedtime routine (clean up, have a snack, brush teeth, hear a story) and stick to it, no matter who puts him to bed. Let your husband know that your child needs a quiet time in order to go to bed and to sleep. If you both follow the same bedtime routine your child should go to bed easily. Playing with dad is fun and really is important, but it has to be earlier, not at bedtime. Apr. 2009 SINGLE MOM NEEDS HELP WITH DISCIPLINE Q. I’m a single mother to a 4 ½ year old daughter. She doesn't listen to me about anything, and even argues about putting on socks. She has tantrums when we’re out in public. When she doesn't get her way she screams like she’s being hurt, which she certainly is not. But everywhere else she is an angel. Her behavior is perfect at preschool and with family members. A. G. Online A. Your child may be fine at other places like preschool or grandma’s because there she has specific rules to follow. She knows her limits and knows the consequences of breaking rules. I feel that she is having power struggles with you to find out who is in charge and who is boss. For her own security she needs and wants to know that you are in charge, not her. She will feel more secure if she understands your rules and consequences. She’s old enough to understand.. Sit down with her and tell her what you expect and that you know she can do it. Make simple, clear rules. Write them out in with markers on a big piece of paper. Let her help make these rules and also have her help decide the consequences of breaking them. She’ll keep them better that way. Ignore tantrums if she has any...Put her in another room and remind her that she knew the rule and she chose to break it. Apr. 2009 PARENT EXPECTATIONS FOR TODDLER'S SOCIAL SKILLS ARE TOO HIGH Q. We have a two year old toddler who is terribly fearful socially. He’s scared of other children and not interested in playing with them. At a recent birthday party he spent most of the time under a chair watching the other kids play. I took him to a Kinder Music class recently, and when he saw other kids were there, he cried and wanted to leave. He likes to stay with what he knows and won’t try new things. He’s super careful of everything. My husband always warns our boy to “Watch out” or “Be careful”. Are we over doing this? And why does he dislike other kids? J. M. A. You are probably worrying too much and this is "catching" to a young child. If you are over anxious, and if your husband constantly says things that show uneasiness, you are making your child over anxious. Young children are influenced not only by our words, but by our body language and facial expressions. When parents are anxious it often confuses them and makes feel insecure. Your son may feel more secure when he is in control. Children like this don’t like surprises and need to know what will be happening next. Your son will slowly learn to feel secure and more confident by looking things over first, and then trying new activities. It is by trying new things that they become stronger and more confident. Praise him when he tries anything new, no matter how small. Your child is only two. But you are expecting him to socialize and participate like a three or four year old instead of accepting that his behavior is normal and is the way most two year olds act. Two year-olds are not interested in being sociable and they almost always play alone. The sequence of learning to play with others starts with solitary play (baby play with its own toes and fingers) and the next step in the sequence is onlooker play where the child plays alone but watches others. At about age 2 1/2 or 3, the child starts to do parallel play, which means he plays next to another child or with the same things...like blocks...but probably won’t interact or play with the other child at all. At ages 4 to 5, children start to interact and play actively with others. As they become older fours, they start to plan things together and implement the plans. They may build a block city or a farm together using blocks and small props like cars, animals and people. Learning to engage in social play takes a few years. Your two year-old is not yet ready for this. He is doing exactly what two year-olds do. And yes, twos and threes like familiar things and consistent routines and rituals. Try to accept your son as he is, and enjoy each new stage of growth as it comes. June 2009 FAMILY GAMES - THEY TEACH WHAT KIDS NEED TO KNOW Q. Our kids have been asking us to start playing board games together. We used to do this all the time as kids and it was really fun and didn’t cost money. We would all get together and play, eat and laugh. But our four kids are ages 5 to 12. Will their different ages matter? And will they learn as much from playing games with us as they would from playing video games? H. and B. Online A. They will learn way more important things from playing real time games with you than they will from video games. It’s something like the difference between cuddling a toddler on your lap and telling them the story of the Three Bears in your own special style before bed, instead of putting them to bed with a CD recording of the story. No matter how many brainwashing ads companies do about skills learned from video games, research proves that children learn more from hands on experience with people to people games and activities than from computer or video games. Taking time to play family games is a very economical pastime and it will also restore a family tradition. You’ll all have fun and it will help your kids learn life skills as well as educational skills. Most games do focus on particular educational skills like math, spelling, vocabulary, logical thought, memory, record keeping, money management, and even spatial relationships and balance. But when children play games they are also learning many other things that parents want them to know. Family games teach children patience and perseverance as they learn to wait their turns, wait for a particular card, or come back from a loss. They learn to finish the game, sticking it out to the end, whether they win or lose. And they learn to win or lose graciously. They learn to cooperate, be honest, play fair, evaluate situations, use critical thinking and strategy. They also learn to make choices for which they must accept the consequences. Accepting the consequences of your choices…being responsible for them…is a vitally Your children’s age range won’t be a problem. You can always modify a game to suit your family. Set a time limit instead of points to end a game, or use only larger denominations of play money. Let a younger child have a mentor/partner to help as needed with reading, counting and record keeping, and rotate the partner among family members when you start a new game. Playing games together gives children “roots” and a feeling of “connectedness” with the family; it helps them get to know each other as people. It nurtures communication and family bonds that will last a lifetime. Try it, you’ll all love it. July 2009 RELUCTANT GRANDMA HATES BABYSITTING Q. My daughter and I are close but she’d be shocked to know that I dread seeing my three-year old grandson when we baby sit every other weekend. He’s not a problem child. I just hate babysitting, and dislike myself for hating it. I didn't feel this way when he was an infant, but now that he’s become a "person" with new needs it’s different. I feel guilty but feel as if I'm going to the gallows as the time comes for him to arrive. Can you help? I just want to change enough to not dread helping my daughter. I don't really expect to really enjoy grandparenthood, though that would be wonderful. M.M. Online If they are doing it as a choice to help in this economy that is one thing. But if they don't enjoy it and it's simply a convenience for the child's parents, I say they need to tactfully and firmly insist that the parents find their own baby sitter like you and I used to do. These days it’s wise to interview and get valid references, but she can do it. Consider being honest and telling them that you don't really enjoy it and would rather be doing other things at this point in your life. It should not be your responsibility to baby sit just because you're the grandma. If you love it and want to do it as many grandmas do, then it's just fine. But if you don't, you either need to stop or find new ways to enjoy it. I can help make your babysitting lots more fun if you choose to try. Consider learning a little about what a three-year old is like and what activities will nurture his development. Get the inexpensive, practical book by Louise Ames and Frances Ilg "Your Three Year Old." Find it in a library, bookstore or on amazon.com Threes are a delightful age and usually are cooperative and eager to please. Their language and motor skills are developing rapidly, so they enjoy playing outside, taking walks and talking about what they see, hearing stories, reading picture books, and acting out rhymes and stories. They love playing dress up, and pretending a play “house” or "play store" (any kind of store with things in your home from hats and gloves to groceries or jewelry). They love improvised obstacle courses in the living room, snack picnics on a rug on the living room floor, playing with play dough, helping wash the plastic cups and dishes with you, and helping sort socks to fold. There are hundreds of things you can do together that are fun and that he’ll remember all his life. Please go to my website (www.askevelyn.com) and click on the creative pages to find my home made play dough recipe. He will love play dough and will easily follow your rules for play if they are clear. Let him play ONLY on a cookie sheet or tray at the kitchen table. If some falls on the floor, don't worry; it's all natural (unlike purchased play dough) and will easily sweep up. It keeps well in an airtight container. Play dough is also a great stress reliever and good for arthritis in the hands. I think you need to try playing with it yourself. Sept 2009 FAMILY MEALS AND MANNERS Q: We recently had 8 and 10 year old children, along with their parents, as guests in our home. The kids ate like animals! They would pick up food with their hands and stuff it in their mouths; the parents said nothing. I also dislike seeing our grandchildren eat at their house in front of the TV on the floor; they seldom join the adults at the table. If they do eat with us, they’re allowed to bring a book and read as they eat!! I try to coach them on table manners, but feel I’m losing the battle. Concerned Grandma Online A: I agree with you on the current state of family meals and table manners. What amazes me most is that most of our adult children did use good manners at the table when they were growing up...why didn't they pass it on? The main reason is that many of today’s families seldom eat a family meal together, except during the holidays. Eating together and conversing is on of the main ways that people have always passed on their values. And at the same time, the family meal was the venue for parents to model appropriate manners. Today many parents are not having conversations with their children and each other at a meal; instead everyone “grazes” and gets something to eat on his/her own. A study on family meals and effects on children’s behavior was done in Minnesota a decade ago. It showed that children who eat regular meals with their parents, and converse with them about their day, their interests, current events and their opinions and beliefs are children who have better self esteem, less problems in school, and are less likely to escape their feelings of “unconnectedness” with drugs. It’s in the children’s own best long-term interest for us older adults to take a stand when we can. We need to urge young parents to start family meal routines as early as possible and explain the reasons why. Even if jobs or school events interfere with dinner plans we must work around these challenges as best we can. We need to make whatever time we have together really count. Children do need to learn what is expected in society regarding table manners. Talk with your children and tell them that you are going to have more family meals and tell them why. Explain that when children are adults or teens they will need to know how to eat properly with good manners. Knowing how to behave, converse, and eat properly can make a huge difference in getting or keeping a job, and in making or maintaining friendships. Children are not born with good manners or our values; we need to model and teach these things. When grandchildren are eating with you, with or without their parents, say, "When you are at our house I expect you to eat politely and with good manners. I know you can do this. As we eat together we’ll show you how we do it. We’ll talk to each other while we eat. No books are allowed. Instead we’ll talk about what’s going on in each others’ lives and in the world, and our plans for tomorrow." Insist that you all eat together at the table. Even babies in high chairs are learning about good table manners when they watch and listen to adults who talk at the table, pass foods and say please and thank you. Mealtime is actually baby's first social event and is very important in the child’s development. Babies and children learn from our modeling; let’s do it right. Sept 2009 ANXIETY CAN INCREASE POTENTIAL STUTTERING PROBLEMS Q. We have a 4 year old who was born 2 months prematurely. He's always been small and a bit behind, but is certainly bright and has no trouble learning. I’m American by birth, but the boy's mother is from India and occasionally speaks Indian languages on the phone and has taken the boy to India twice for extended periods. The point is, he has been exposed to more languages than English. In recent months, he has shown some difficulty starting some of his sentences. He will repeat the first word several times before getting into the sentence. He will say "But, but, but, but, but I am not hungry now." Or "The, the, the, the, the, the door was open so I closed it." He is not repeating the first sound, but the whole first word. He doesn't do it all the time, but sometimes. Is he stuttering? Or is he just thinking about how to form the sentence? A. Please don’t worry about your son’s language at this point. It’s normal for many fours who are learning to create complex sentences to repeat some words, especially those who speak more than one language. Actually, many children become stutterers because of anxiety and stress. This can happen if their parents worry excessively about their developing speech. Years ago in our neighborhood a child about eight or nine years old knocked at my front door. He had a clipboard in his hand and politely asked if he could ask me a few questions, because his assignment was to do a survey about stuttering. As he said this, the boy stuttered on some words, but successfully conveyed his message. His first question was what I thought was a main cause of stuttering. I said, “Well, often it is parents who unintentionally cause their children to stutter.” He grinned widely and then asked more questions, this time without a single stutter. We talked about how anxious he felt when he couldn’t get out the words that he wanted to say, and how his parents kept interrupting and saying the words for him or telling him to speak more slowly. He told me it made him feel guilty and also sad that they did not seem interested in what he wanted to tell them, but only in how well he could say it. This true story illustrates how important it is for parents of preschoolers to be patient with children who may be having problems with mastering the complexities of forming sentences. Do not say the word or words for your son, or criticize his speech or cut him off. Just be quiet and patient and let him say the word or words on his own and at his own pace. Get down on his eye level and show that you are sincerely listening to his ideas and that you really want to hear what he is saying...not how he is saying it. If you do this and are patient and not make a fuss about this, his small problems with word repetition should soon disappear. Google the Stuttering Foundation or go to their web site for additional info and help. Contact Jane Fraser at info@stutteringhelp.org and/or www.stutteringhelp.org. They will help you with more information and can also send you brochures including tips for both parents and teachers of young children. Sept 2008 HOW TO TEACH A BRIGHT TODDLER Q. I have a one year old daughter and I’m curious about what she should know right now and what kind of things that I can teach her that she can understand. She already uses many words in the right contexts. Can we test her IQ? What other things should she be doing or learning at this stage? M.N.D. Online A. There is currently no way to adequately test a child’s IQ until the age of about 5 years because the tests are not good enough yet to use with toddlers. Your child may, at least in the area of language, be ahead of her peers. But she needs to develop many other types of skills besides language, such as physical, emotional, social and many types of thinking and conceptual skills. All of these skills take time to develop. Parents can help most by spending “face time” interacting with the toddler and involving the child in many hands on experiences. It is believed that encouragement to engage in simple concrete experiences of many kinds helps the child’s brain to form connections that will eventually assist the child in the development of conceptual thinking. Keep following her lead and encouraging her interests...and of course keep adding to her language skills by listening, modeling, copying and Enjoy laughter and little things like using songs and finger plays about her and her body parts. Put on some music and move and dance to it with her. I have a feeling she’s a child who loves to laugh and dance. You can find some good books containing songs, games and finger plays by children’s author Vicki Lansky in the library and book stores. Encourage her creative side with crayons and markers and play dough when she nears age two and is ready for these. Let her play dress up at least Encourage thinking skills by letting her see examples of cause and Get more ideas from links on my web site and in my creative resources pages POTENTIAL PROBLEMS OF BEDTIME BABY BOTTLES Q. Our 9 month old has been waking every night for about two weeks for a bottle between 12 am - 2am. Feeding him seems to be the only thing that will get him back to sleep. Is this enforcing a bad habit? I do not know what else to do. Before this he was sleeping from 8pm - 6:30am without waking up once. We have heard from various people that it could be teething or growth spurts, but they also said NOT to give him a bottle. I don't want to be doing something wrong that will take a huge effort to fix. N.D. Online A. You should probably check with your doctor first, but consider giving him a mixture of baby cereal and milk or formula before bedtime. He may just be growing and needing more food to prevent hunger at night. I did that with our babies, but do ask your doctor. My guess is that people advising against the bedtime bottle know that babies should not be given bottles of milk at night because of the danger of baby bottle tooth decay. When a baby sucks at will during the night on a bottle with milk or formula in it, the sugars in the milk will usually cause tooth decay. This can happen even to baby teeth and can seriously damage the way the new teeth form. Dentists also say that sucking occasionally on a nipple or pacifier or night won’t cause the teeth to shift. It’s the duration and intensity of the sucking that can cause teeth to move, and most babies don’t suck that hard. If the addition of cereal does not work, you could try to wake him up and give him a night time bottle before midnight, and then keep working the time back to a more reasonable hour for you. I hope the cereal will help him go back to sleeping all night. If not, and if he seems to need the bottle to sleep with as a security object, you can just put water in it instead of milk so that there will be no danger of tooth decay. Jan 2008 CHILD NEEDS PRESCHOOL BUT DAD OBJECTS Q. My child will be four in May of 2008. I had every intention to enroll him in preschool to help him gain a step ahead in his education. I grew up in a household where education was very important. My father has two degrees; I have an associates. However my husband and his mother were only educated through high school. They also say it is far too expensive. But my own parents are considering helping out with the expenses. How do I convince my mother in law and husband that preschool is important and worthwhile to our child? A. First you can go online to find sites that tell of the importance of learning in the early years...and all the new research that tells us that An excellent way to solve your problem regarding cost is to enroll your son child in a Head Start program, which in most cases is free. Fours are a There are many types of Head Start programs. Some are joint partnerships with child care provider programs. Some have home visitors that will come to your home to work with your child on certain days of the week and have your child go to the center on other days, or at least go to the preschool center once a month for an experience with other children. You may think that Head Start takes only children from low income families, but the formula also takes other things into consideration, including family size and needs, as well as income. Also, many people do not know that Head Start also takes a certain percentage of over income children, and you might qualify in that way. You need to call your local Head Start program to talk about your own situation. If you can find no Head Start that has openings, at least use the National Association for the Education of Young Children to help in your search for a child care center. Call 800-424-2460 for their free brochure about what to look for in a good program. Mar. 2008 WHY DOES MY "TERRIBLE TWO" ACT OUT? Q. I have a 20-month-old son who has started the terrible two's early! The biggest problem I face with him is that he doesn't listen to me when I tell him No. He flat-out ignores me; sometimes he even laughs. At first, I tried a time-out consequence for bad behavior but I see that this is not working and you have said in columns that this works better for 4-5’s. He’s very strong willed and has fits and tantrums when I don't let him do something he wants to do. The hardest thing is that he doesn't talk yet so I can't explain to him about why something isn't allowed. But he knows exactly what he's doing when he does something wrong, so he should be able to handle the consequences, right? But what should those consequences be? It seems like he's CONSTANTLY in trouble. I'm a first-time mom, so this is all so new to me. Can you tell me how to discipline a 1 1/2 year old? I'm a very firm mom, but I want to be loving too. Thanks for your advice. C. Y. Online A. Give your child clear expectations and a few simple rules, and say "No" firmly with good, strong eye contact. Stick to your expectations/rules, no matter what his response. Remember that you’re doing your child a favor, because a parent's love must also include guidance and the teaching of self discipline. Parental loving and guidance go hand in hand. There is a reason for his behavior. He is acting out to find out what your rules are, and this is precisely because he cannot talk...eg if he acts out and you say No and do not allow something, he then knows what it is you want or do not want. This is all very normal for this age, and children will keep pushing you to find out where you draw the lines. And they really need to know you are in charge because seeing that you are in charge makes them feel secure. Consequences for bad behavior should be simple and logical. For example, if he cannot play with something correctly and he throws it, you take it away; he cannot play with it at all if he does not play correctly. If he tosses his food on the floor, you take the food away and put him in the bed or playpen...If he eats nicely you praise him and smile. If you teach him this way, he will soon learn what you do and do not want. Get a few books from amazon.com or the library by Frances Ilg and Louise B. Ames. They are practical, easy to read books about what to expect from each age of your child. Start with "Your One Year Old" and "Your Two Year Old"...they go up to age 8. Enjoy your challenges...It’s all part of being a mom. March 2008 TIME OUTS Q. My question concerns time-outs. Does it help, or at least not hurt, to allow the child to see how much time they have left in a timeout, by being allowed to see (not touch) the timer? Mike Online A. It would help to know the age of the child in question. But for starters, I really wonder how the time out method suddenly became a "popular" strategy. There are many other good techniques to use with young children to teach them self discipline, and time out is not always a good one, particularly for children three or under. It will help if we go over some basics about discipline. You must be sure children understand your expectations for their behavior, and to do that you must make your rules (don't make too many) simple, clear and consistent. You must also make sure that children experience the logical consequences of their misbehavior. eg., If you use the toy the wrong way, it is taken Other things to remember are keeping children busy and occupied with age appropriate activities so they do not get into trouble, and praising children whenever they exhibit the behavior you WANT. Praise makes the child repeat good behavior and usually works better than punishment. If children are two or so and are having tantrums, simply make sure they are safe and then ignore them and walk away...let them cry it out. You cannot explain something to a child having a tantrum, and twos and threes are not mature enough intellectually to understand complex adult The correct kind of time out to do with toddlers, twos and threes is to hold the child very firmly on the lap, enclosing the child with your arms. Wait until the child is calm and breathing normally before telling him/her what behavior was wrong or what you expect. Ask the child if he/she can do this now (correct behavior ) and, if so, release the child. Time out as you are using it works most effectively with fours and fives. In this case you should have already discussed the time out area and the child should know that when he/she gets out of control or behaves inappropriately, the adult will direct the child go to time out and sit, usually for not more than 4-5 minutes. But the most effective part of time out (and what makes it work) is that the CHILD must sincerely tell the adult what he/she was doing wrong and that he/she is ready to behave. That is when time out is usually over. In other words, it has very little to do with the minutes on the timer but has everything to do with your child telling you he/she understands that the behavior was wrong and will correct it. I hope these ideas help you. May 2007 RISK AND REJECTION CAN MAKE CHILDREN STRONGER Q. My five year old daughter and I went to the park recently and my child saw a girl her age and went to play on the climber with her, exclaiming that she had a new friend. Later two other girls joined in and then the first girl told Jen she couldn’t play anymore. Jen said that wasn’t fair but the other girl repeated “You can’t play.” Seeing my child’s tears, I went over myself. Trying to teach a lesson and soothe my child’s breaking heart, I said that I saw all of them playing nicely, so why couldn’t all the girls play? Then the girl’s mom came over and asked what was going on. I gave her an overview and the mom immediately lectured her child for a few minutes. Her child cried a few crocodile tears, and then agreed everyone could play. Later Jen said she had to go have lunch and then she’d be back. The girl said she might not be there after lunch and Jen replied, “Well then I guess I’ll make another friend later.” I hated seeing my daughter rejected. How can I teach her to effectively handle rejection without it permanently damaging her self esteem? A. I’m afraid that if rejection permanently damaged our self esteem, most of us wouldn’t be alive. Saying “No” is a rejection of sorts, but it does not damage self esteem when you say it or make rules in your child’s best interest. We can’t protect our children from every rejection they’ll cope with as they grow up. The best we can do is be supportive and also allow them to risk rejection and learn from it. Picking ourselves up and moving on is what makes us stronger individuals. I think your child coped well with the situation and went on with her day without any damage to her self esteem. You stepped in to try to “solve” the problem, but most of the time it’s best to try to let kids work out this type of thing themselves. That’s how they learn give and take, negotiation and compromise. Learning to deal with these small rejections helps them deal with the bigger ones of the future. One of the hardest things to accept as parents is that our children will experience the failures and rejections that are part of life. But we can’t deceive ourselves into thinking we can protect our kids from all the "downers." It would be a disservice to them if we could, because that wouldn’t help prepare them for the real world. When we experience risks and failures, we can learn from them and actually gain self esteem, not lose it. When you learn to ski, the first thing the instructor does is teach you how to get up off the ground. This is because you will, believe me, fall while you're learning to ski. In the same way, we parents need to teach kids how to get up when they fall, and stay whole and positive. July 2007 WHY PRESCHOOLERS NEED FREE CHOICE TIME Q. I’m the director of a combination preschool and child care center. It was recommended by our monitoring person that we have one hour of free choice time instead of two 30 minute periods with the 3-5 year olds in the mornings, and shorter circle times. We’ve never done this in the past. Please explain why this is important. M. F. Online in Memphis A. Early childhood educators agree that an hour of uninterrupted choice time is necessary to provide both a wide variety of learning activities and time to develop thinking skills. Children accomplish many other things during this hour, including the ability to plan their time, make choices, complete tasks, and properly use and care for materials. Perhaps you’ve been thinking that circle time is where most learning occurs; this is untrue. Young children actually learn best through hands on experiences. The two major skills children learn in circle time are to focus on an adult and practice rote memory. Thinking skills encompass far more then memory skills. This is why short circle times (several 15 minute circle times) and at least a full hour of free choice time are recommended as best practices. An uninterrupted hour of free choice time is especially important in a mixed age group of threes to fives. Threes are slow movers and are likely to stay in the housekeeping area (which feels like home so it makes them feel secure) for at least 30 min without moving to other areas to learn other skills. They need a whole hour as well as adult encouragement to accomplish the task of exploring all the learning centers. Fours and fives are accomplishing other tasks. They are learning to increase attention span, expand their conceptual thinking skills, work together, and complete tasks they begin. Most 4's will explore all the areas, but concentrate in one or two learning centers as they build, create or experiment. They need the full hour to develop new learning skills and expand their thinking, literacy, and problem solving skills. Children have many different learning styles and different paces of learning; it would be impossible for this kind of learning to happen for all fours and fives in only 30 minutes. BEDTIME TANTRUMS Q. We have a five year old who is perfectly cooperative until bedtime. We have a nice pre bed routine and she’s quite compliant until we go into her room. Then she throws herself on the floor, cries, and screams. She continues screaming, whining and yelling for anywhere from 10 min. to an hour and a half. It’s bizarre. What can I do? K.T. Online A. If your daughter eventually goes to sleep after all the acting out and hassling, this is probably not a sleep disorder but simply a bedtime routine problem. In that case, stick with your consistent bedtime routine. Try adding a snack like crackers and warm milk (brush teeth afterwards) if you haven’t yet done that. Have a quiet conversation while snacking; try to see if she will share or tell you about her school day or any new fears. Then go up to her room. As long as you stay in the room with her, she has your attention and wants to keep it y using tantrums with you. So explain calmly and quietly what will happen from now on in her room. Tell her you’ll be happy to read her a story and after that, you will say good night and leave. If she wants to hear the story, she cannot have a tantrum. I suspect she wants the story. If she tries a tantrum after the story, don’t engage in the struggle! If she wants to throw herself on the floor, just put a rug or sleeping bag and pillow down there and let her stay there. Don't play the game. Calmly and quietly say she can scream if she likes, but you have things you need to do now and it is bedtime. Leave the room. Aug. 2007 POTTY TALK Q. Our 6 year old son is fascinated with potty talk and naughty words. He’s always talking about body parts and "bathroom" talk. He has 2 older brothers, 8 and 11, who grew out of this fascination, but not him. I’ve taken away privileges and done timeouts and nothing works. How can I stop this embarrassing nonsense coming out of his mouth. T.D. Online A. As you know from having the older boys, he will grow out of it too. But for now, why not enlist the help of the older brothers? Have a small family meeting with the boys. Explain to them that you don't approve of this talk, and that it makes you very uncomfortable. Say that it's not appropriate to talk to others in this manner. Ask the older boys how they think they could help you out with this problem. Also ask the boys, including the six year old, what the consequence should be if he talks like this again. Decide how to word the rule and then write down the rule with the consequences for breaking it. Everyone should sign it, like a contract. Praise him thoroughly if he improves and adjust the contract if he does not. Oct. 2007 OUTLETS FOR EMOTIONAL PRESCHOOLER Q. Our daughter, who is nearly five, is very emotional. I never imagined that a preschooler could have the kinds of emotions she exhibits. There are children's movies that she can’t watch because if they are about lost pets she’ll just break down and cry and keep thinking about it. She cries when some sad or slow song is on the radio. Once she bumped into her dad’s chin, which made his lip bleed. He was very careful not to react to the pain, knowing how she is, but she got sad anyway. I’ve asked many of her friend's moms and they’ve never seen this kind of behavior in their daughters. We visit my parents twice a week and she cries when we leave because, “she loves them and doesn’t want to miss them.” How can we help her deal with her emotions more positively. L.S. Online A. Preschoolers do experience strong emotions. Even though your daughter is expressing sadness, it's better for her to let it out and tell you about it rather than bottle up her feelings. Let her know it is okay to have these feelings; reassure her that you also have feelings like this sometimes. Showing anxiety about this probably won’t help. Use other ways to move her to more positive expressions of feelings. Have you told her that life is full of happy feelings too? More importantly, help her be more aware of her own happy feelings. Give her specific examples EVERY DAY of joyous moments. Be a model by sharing your own positive feelings so that she will start noticing and sharing hers with you. Also give her alternative outlets for expressions of feelings. Encourage her to draw and paint. Ask her to tell you about her creations and write what she says on the artwork. Send them to relatives and post them on your bulletin board. Help her start a journal. Get a blank book or notebook. Each evening ask her what she liked best each day or what made her happy or sad that day. Print what she says and then let her "read" it. Both art and journaling help children feel that they have some measure of control over daily events. Physical activity or taking walks with you is also a good thing. If the problem continues or worsens, ask your doctor for a reference to a good family counselor. Oct. 07 APPROPRIATE PRESCHOOL ACTIVITIES INCLUDE MORE THAN VIDEOS Q. My 4 1/2 year old has attended the same daycare/preschool for years with no problems. This year they’re playing movies that don’t seem right for 4 year olds (High School Musical, Charlie & the Chocolate Factory, Dennis the Menace) Our son was afraid of the Dennis movie, and now he’s irrationally fearful of the Charlie movie. I spoke to his teacher and they said they wouldn't play it anymore, but they did and it triggered more fears. His teacher thinks he's crying about movies to get attention. I disagree. He’s upset about going to school and crying at night. I'm afraid his teacher has begun to "label" him now as "faking to get attention." Please help me. D. D. Online A. I’ve worked with teachers in hundreds of preschool programs. I’m sorry that your son’s preschool is using TV and videos in the curriculum. This is not considered best practice in the early childhood field. There are so many, many other learning activities that should be used throughout the day instead. Here are a few examples. Science: Nature walks and science tables where the children collect and observe and make posters of their observations; science experiences with floating and sinking, measuring and weighing; science experiences with tasting and cooking. Math: Counting and measuring and comparing real objects, making graphs of real objects, sorting and matching and grouping. Following a recipe, counting and measuring. Literacy: Daily reading of children's literature; children creating their own journals and books, and acting out stories. Dramatic play with props and posters and signs as well as other props that might teach fire or boating safety as well as literacy. In addition, there should be learning centers. A computer center. A water or sand area for experiments. An art area for using many types of media…paints, clays, markers and collage...A large muscle area, and table toys and a book center/writing center. Best of all an active blocks area for both unit blocks and large hollow blocks. Using blocks teaches science, math and literacy as well as creativity and cooperation. There should be outdoor time for active play as well as music, movement and story time. If these things are indeed a part of your child's preschool in ADDITION to an occasional movie, great! If all these things are going on in his center, the movies would not be such an issue. If these other learning activities (vital to learning the skills he will need in the next few years) are NOT in his preschool, consider finding him a new one. Ask the NAEYC (National Assn. for the Education of Young Children) for their free brochure about choosing a good child care/preschool center. Call 800-424-2460 and ask for publications. Also go to observe your son at preschool. See what else they do besides the movies. Fours love to learn. Help him make the most of it. Oct 2007 5 YEAR OLD MEALTIME BATTLES AND NOTE ABOUT SCHOOL PROBLEM Q. Our five year old son started kindergarten last month; he’s never been much of an eater. For the last month dinnertime has been very difficult. He either refuses to come to the table, or comes and refuses to eat. He "doesn't want what we made". He always asks for something else. We've allowed him to make his own sandwich and he ends up eating all of it. No matter what we make, he refuses to eat it, or only takes a bite and says he's full. The next morning, he's still "moody" from not getting enough to eat the night before. Should we let him eat a sandwich every night and stop fighting him? He's close to being underweight and is very active. M. A. Online A. Perhaps you could get some advice from a nutritionist. Your child’s doctor can provide you with a reference. My own inclination would be to try some other things first. Involve him in the preparation of supper in as many simple ways as you can...He could make the salad, set the table, and help make dessert or the main dish. When kids help cook they usually eat what they make. (Remember, he made and ate his sandwich.) Also give him a very small nutritious snack after school and again before bedtime. He may be a child who needs to eat small amounts of food more often instead of three large meals a day. The key is nutritious snacks like cheese, or celery, carrot or apple slices with peanut butter. You’ve been wise in giving him a nutritious sandwich thus far, and you may need to continue that and see a nutritionist if my ideas don’t work. NOTE to Worried Mom: Observe him in his kindergarten; go several times and stay a few hours. If this is a "private" school they should give you this privilege; you pay tuition. If they refuse you, maybe you should consider changing schools. If yours is a public school you have every right to go observe; you pay taxes and they are providing a service. From what you wrote, you seem to really know your son, and since he never shows these symptoms away from school he probably does not, as the teacher suspects, have ADHD. After you watch what happens at school, you can work with the teacher to design a new behavior plan, and try it for at least a month. Then decide what your options are. The plan must include positive reinforcement and praise for improvement, not just negatives. You can even ask your son what he thinks the plan could include. He may have some great ideas. 11/2007 WHAT TO DO THE SUMMER BEFORE KINDERGARTEN Q. We have a bright and happy daughter who has been in our local Head Start program for two years and is going to kindergarten this fall. Head Start gave us some activity ideas for summer, but shouldn’t we also be spending time practicing letters and numbers? D.T. Online in St. Paul MN A. This summer is her last period of special time with you before entering the world of “regular” school, so make your time together really count. Do things together that are fun as well as things that teach her skills. Drilling her on numbers and letters won’t really be fun for either of you. Remember that drilling sessions on counting and ABC’s does not teach children to think or get the “wheels turning” in their heads. Drilling activities practice memory skills. What most kindergarten teachers appreciate and anticipate are children who come to them with a positive attitude and a variety of thinking skills. They want children who are eager to learn, who are confident, curious, healthy, able to express themselves, able to work with others and able to figure things out. Your home and family life are full of magnificent opportunities to learn these skills. There are many effective and enjoyable ways for her to practice pre reading and pre math skills. Use the activities your Head Start program gave you as starters and add more ideas that fit your situation and family life style. Here are some examples:
WHAT DO INFANTS AND TODDLERS LEARN THROUGH PLAY? Q. Our Head Start teachers are always talking about how three to five year olds learn skills through play experiences, but what, if anything do infants and toddlers learn from play? Head Start Dad in NJ A. The world of play is of crucial importance to infants and toddlers and twos. It is through play that these very young children learn about themselves, others and their world. It is through play that they learn the foundation of physical and mental skills, form positive relationships with others, begin to form self esteem and begin to learn their parents’ values. Here are some examples.
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