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Evelyn
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Child's Low Grades Creates a Parent Dilemma
Q
Our 12 year old son went from straight A's last year in 5th grade to
B's and now a C in the third quarter of 6th grade. We set a rule at the
beginning of the year that if he got lower than a B, he could not play sports.
He is very active player…soccer in the fall, winter basketball and summer (his
all time favorite) baseball. He just received his 3rd quarter report (C+) in
Social Studies. We have told him that he cannot play baseball. This is his last
year to play in Little League and our family (the grandparents) and friends and
co-workers think it’s mean not to let him play anyway, even though we have had
this rule in place since September. What do you think? Are we being too
strict? Will our son resent us? If we let him play, will he just think we’re
“easy” or will he be grateful? Please help. B. Online
A
I think that only you and your husband can answer these questions and
make the right decision for your son and yourselves. Your son has known that the
rule was in place for months. You need to consider what he will think of your
rules in the future if you change them this time and allow him to play baseball,
even though he knew the consequences of letting his grade drop. Will he resent
you and hold a grudge, or will he respect you? If you say he can play, will
this erode future contracts you may make with him? Or will he be so grateful
that he will never let his grades get lower again. You know your son best; what
do you think?
Whatever you decide, it’s best not to listen to the friends and co-workers or even the grandparents. You are the parents and this is YOUR decision, not theirs. I really think, however, that it would be worth while if you ask your son honestly what HE thinks you should do.
It would be good to involve him in this dilemma because he would have to really think about this situation, and put himself in your shoes. And why not? He caused the problem. He should become a part of the solution and part of the decision you all make. It would be good for him to fully realize that there are consequences for his choices and behaviors. It is in his best long-term interest to understand that.
Perhaps you can discuss this and brainstorm as a family and come up with an alternative consequence or punishment so that he could still play baseball. I don't know how that would work out, but I do feel that all of you need to have a family meeting to decide what you want to do. Handle this as a family team.
Are Parents Growing Children as Projects or People?
Q
I have our three year old in a play
group that meets twice a week. I like the socialization with the other moms,
but feel great pressures when I hear them talk about their plans to get their
children into pre dance, pre gymnastics, sports and so on. I don’t understand
why! But I wonder if I’m doing my child a disservice by not jumping on this
bandwagon. Is she going to lose an edge or be less successful if I just send
her to regular preschool next year and enjoy my time with her instead? Anxious
Mom Online
A
You know your child best, and you
should trust your own instincts. Until she shows a real interest or talent in
such activities, ignore these pressures. Find a good part time preschool next
year, but enjoy every moment of your own time together. You’re lucky to have
the time, because it’s in these early years that you can best develop the family
communication and bonds your child will need most during the school years, as
well as the values you hold and life skills you want to teach.
These are the years to develop strong self esteem that comes of feeling both loveable and capable and the social skills of understanding how to share and communicate with peers and adults. These are the years she needs to learn how her behavior affects others, which is more valuable than rote manners. These are the years to encourage self help and self discipline that’s the foundation for making wise choices, and the years she must learn that she has to accept the responsibility and consequences of poor choices or behavior.
In the long-term scheme of life, school and the real world, these things are far more important than just being “smart” or competitive. What good is being clever and competitive unless you learn these other things too? Many parents make the mistake of buying in to the concept that their children will learn what they need for success in life by being involved in as many scheduled activities as possible.
They don’t realize that they may be letting other adults influence their child’s values and life skills, and abdicating their roles in nurturing other aspects of their children’s development. They don’t realize that some children develop hidden anxieties and resentments to “pushing” and over scheduling that surfaces in later years as rebellion, disrespect and rudeness. Parents’ choices must be made in children’s best long term interest, and based on the individual needs of the child, not because “everyone is doing it."
The pressures on parents to “over cultivate” young children makes them think of children as “projects” not people. See more in next week’s column about the role that marketing/consumerism plays in this issue, and find out what the American Academy of Pediatricians says about it in its latest release of research.
Q
Last week’s “Anxious Mom” wrote to
say she was worried that her preschooler might be less successful if she stayed
home and did things with her instead of being in “enrichment” activities all
week. She wondered why other moms seemed so frantic about their children’s
academic preparation. Why are so many parents feeling this pressure? What are
they giving up when they focus only on their children’s academic and competitive
skills? What do the experts say?
A
Today’s parents are overwhelmed with
an overload of information. Books, web sites, magazines, the advice of peers,
and the deluge of marketing pitches pressures them to be parents who load
children’s schedules with activities designed to increase competitive and
academic skills, and often drive their children to excel in all areas. This is
not only an unrealistic expectation, it leaves little time for listening and
talking that helps parents understand their kids and help them grow into
well-rounded people.
An example of media pressure is the current ad that says “Stop making your bed and go play your V-Smile learning videos.” Or “Stop doing the dishes and go play your V Smile learning video.” The message says that doing your chores and being a family team member is not important, and that learning colors, numbers, and letters is more crucial. Actually, the only thing important to the advertiser is that parents feel they MUST buy the videos.
But videos cannot replace parental guidance and parental modeling. Videos cannot replace the communication and face to face enjoyment of each other during family games. Videos cannot replace the child’s need to sit in your lap and hear you tell or read a story, which is the best way to nurture the love of reading.
In their efforts to teach preschool children their letters and numbers, (which, by the way, is not what kindergarten teachers really want) parents often forget the valuable things children learn during down time or play. This is when children learn that parents love them for who they are, not what they can do, and when children learn they have someone who listens and will be there for them.
Studies by the American Academy of Pediatricians have also shown that play helps children release stress, become more creative, discover their own talents and interests, develop problem solving skills, learn how to relate to and enjoy other people, and adjust more easily to new situations. These are life skills kids need.
The October news report of the American Academy of Pediatricians says that what children need for healthy development is more good old fashioned playtime. Overuse of “passive” entertainment like computer games and television should be avoided, and true, open-ended toys like blocks should be emphasized. The report concludes that “enrichment tools and organized activities can be beneficial, but should never be viewed as a requirement for creating successful children. Above all, they must be BALANCED with plenty of free play time.”
Better Options for Infant Fascinated by Television
Q: We
have a beautiful healthy 3-month old girl who loves to watch the TV. If I have
it on during the day or am watching a movie at night she’ll look at it be still
and quiet. I think she is just attracted to the lights and colors. Is this
something I should worry about and try to limit? I definitely don't want to
raise a child who watches TV all day! Will having it on a lot at this early age
lead to any problems later on? J.S. Online
A:
But you certainly don’t want her to make TV watching a habit. There are many other options that would do her more good. If she likes colors and music you can add colorful mobiles and music tapes to her room. You can add scents and bubbles in her bath water. And she should be able to use nesting toys, soft balls and soft, colored blocks in a few months.
The passive watching of TV will not help develop the brain
connections that toddlers need for cognitive growth. These brain connections
are formed by the child’s active interaction with his or her environment. The
connections “set the stage” in the brain so that the child can more easily begin
to do conceptual thinking in the later preschool years.
Open-ended discovery activities will be important as she gets a little older.
Between ages two and three, let her try water play, home made play dough, and
crayons or markers on plain paper. Encourage the use of blocks of all kinds,
and enjoy nature and the outdoors.
Some researchers believe that children who have had the “TV habit” during the
preschool years have trouble learning to read. This is because the staring at
one place…the television screen…makes the eye muscles weak in the area of
tracking left to right...the eye muscles can get that way from staring into one
place for hours each day.
Enjoy your baby and don't over worry. Go to the library (or amazon.com or a
store) and get the books by Louise Ames and Frances Ilg about "Your One Year
Old," "Your Two Year Old" etc. up to age 8. They are simple, enjoyable,
inexpensive, small books that have been around a long time. For more advice,
creative ideas, parent brochures, and link resources, see my web site
www.askevelyn.com
NOTE to M.Y.R. Meet the mom and spend some time over coffee with her before letting your child go over to the new friend’s house.
Deaths of Loved Ones Cause New Anxieties
Q: Recently, our 6-year-old has been crying when I drop him off at school. He’s gone through Pre-K, Kindergarten, and almost two months of first grade with no issues at all, and never looked back when he left the car. We’ve had some deaths in the family over the last 6 months…a great-grandmother in April, a grandfather - that he had been with daily for his whole life - in May, and a grandfather he had just gotten to know about two weeks ago. Could all these deaths be the problem, and if so, how can I help him through this? We've reassured him that someone will always be there for him and that we are healthy, while his grandparents were elderly and sick. I've taken him into the classroom sometimes, and his teachers have been very kinds and loving. We've asked him at night what's wrong and what can we do to help. Any ideas? T. R. Online
A:
What may be making this so hard, however, is that at some point between the ages of six and eight, for the first time children come to realize that they, too, are mortal and may die some day. Before that age, they may have seen death and usually accepted that it is final, but they do not realize they, themselves are not immortal. It is possible that he’s experiencing feelings of fear and confusion about his own eventual death.
Yes, he needs reassurance that you are healthy and will be there for him as long as he needs you. But he also needs to know that HE is healthy and will not die for a long, long time until he is very old. Give him real examples of the ways that he’s fit and healthy and the things he does that keep him strong and healthy.
You can also go to your librarian for help with this issue. There are books written especially for children about death and dying that are very, very helpful. Share these books with the teacher, too. Perhaps the teacher can read these stories and talk to the children in the class about this issue. Some of the others can share their own experiences, and hearing from others his age who have experienced these feelings and fears will help him.
Can He Stay Home Alone?
Q: We have two girls ages 8 and 11. Just like other kids their ages, they fight frequently. They're not bad kids, but they can't seem to resolve their differences in a semi-civilized manner. Simple things blow up quickly into "I hate you" and meanness we don't want to tolerate. We've tried taking away things that are important to them …no TV, no computer, etc. And we've tried giving them extra work to do as punishment for the fights, but nothing really lasts. We're now trying 'you must earn good things'. They don't get extra fun activities until we feel they have earned it by being nicer to each other. As I write this I'm realizing just how normal they really are. My brother and I fought a lot as did most other siblings I know. But it’s such a headache constantly dealing with this. Other than these episodes the girls are model kids with many friends. Any suggestions? Tired Dad Online
A:
Can He Stay Home Alone?
Q:
A:
You also need to know with certainly that he wouldn't use the stove or cook
or use matches when you are away for 30 minutes. Does he mind you and keep
your rules and understand them? If you think he can stay alone and be safe
for 30 minutes it's your decision. Some children would be fine; others
would take chances, experiment and not be safe
You also need to know what he’ll be doing when you are gone. He should be
able to explain specifically what he’s going to do, like read, do homework,
etc. Whatever you decide, the buck stops with you. You are the one
ultimately and legally responsible for your child's safety and well being.
NOTE FROM THE GIRL SCOUTS: I read the letter from the single mom with a lonely child. She needs to know more about Girl Scouts. It costs $10 per year for membership. In middle Tennessee and southern Kentucky, the Girl Scout Council of Cumberland Valley provides 'scholarships' for families that cannot afford membership. No girl is turned away for inability to pay. Uniforms are encouraged, but NOT required. In many troops, the girls decorate T-shirts that are used as their troop 'uniform.' Yes, extra activities, trips, and supplies cost money, but these costs are supplemented by Girl Scout sales. If a family is in financial hardship, a sponsor can be found to help fund extra activities so that girl can participate fully. This is all done confidentially; no one is embarrassed or singled out. There are also in-school programs for girls that cannot attend traditional troop meetings. Call the Girl Scout Council of Cumberland Valley at 800-395-5318. Ask for the Membership Development Manager to find out what programs or troops are available in the area in which the child attends school.
Angel at School; Terror at Home
Q: We’re
having some behavior challenges with our 5 year old daughter. She’s become
stubborn and often refuses to do what she is told. She also has violent
tantrums that go on for up to an hour. At other times she’s loving, fun and
very good. We have tried rewarding good behavior, withdrawing treats and
ignoring bad behavior. These work for a while and then they don’t. She
seems to control our lives and makes things very difficult. She’s a very
bright child, according to her teacher, and absolutely “perfect” in her
school behavior. She’s been brought up in a loving and stable environment
so I see no for her extreme and controlling behavior. We are at the end of
our rope and would appreciate your advice. Lois and Chris, Online
A: Sometimes school and home
behaviors are very different, and this may be a clue to your home problems.
If your child is very, very good in school and an over achiever of sorts,
she can be putting lots of pressure on herself to have “perfect” behavior.
Then, when she comes home, where she can let her hair down, she’s having
tantrums and acting out to release the stress. At home she can control some
situations but at school she probably can control very little. There may be
a correlation between the times the tantrums and misbehavior occur and the
times she goes to school or returns home.
You should take the time to visit and school for the day and observe how she
behaves there. Look for clues to help you solve this problem. At least
you’ll be able to rule out anything going on at school that may be
escalating problems at home. And possibly you’ll find peer friendships to
encourage.
Otherwise, what you are doing...using praise and rewards for following your
house rules and ignoring tantrums…is very appropriate. If she’s bright you
can have a discussion with her about the behavior you want and have her help
write up a contract with you, including both the rules for expected behavior
and the consequences for inappropriate behaviors.
Sometimes bright children do become controlling and try to run the
household. This is especially hard on parents who think that gentle and
loving modeling is all that’s needed. A strong willed child who is bright
needs more than positive modeling. Impress on her that some things are hers
to decide but others are YOURS to decide because you , as her parents, know
what’s in her best long-term interest.
At the same time, give her time and materials to use that she really can control, like open-ended art media. Through clays, paints and pastels she can find both a release from stress and the joy of creating. This will ease the pressure she feels to be perfect at school and help her feel “in control” in appropriate ways that promote secure, calm feelings.
A Baby Bully
A:
If you have a friend with a young child his age, get them together to play under your supervision so you can reinforce these "rules" at home too. What he is doing is normal, but it is not appropriate and he needs to learn that. Getting along with others is not something children are born with; it needs to be taught by both parents and caregivers.
If you go to my web site www.askevelyn.com in the “Books and More” pages you’ll find a video on child guidance and classroom management that is designed for child care centers. You will also see materials parents can order, like the book “Growing Responsible Kids” and a parenting brochure about teaching self discipline.
Stealing and
Shrieking
A: Yes, some infants simply discover that they can make this sound and they love to do it. The more you react the more fun it is for them. It’s a very powerful feeling for them to push your buttons, so ignoring it is best. Usually this phase does not last long, as they will want to try out other types of sounds. Just hang in there and put him in a safe place and leave the room if you must. Don't let him see your facial or body language reactions when you ignore him.
Also distract him by teaching him some NEW sounds to make! Blowing on the skin sounds, barks, growls, anything you can think of. Try clapping, or doing peek-a-boo. You can also distract him by playing a CD or the radio, or direct his attention to crib toys, musical chimes, mobiles, music boxes, and so on. When he hears new sounds he may try to copy them and give up shrieking.
Q. My son took a lot of money out of his mom’s purse to buy trading cards so he could impress his friends. He said he needed good cards so he could win matches and be liked by the other players. He seems more concerned about having been caught than about the loss of trust in him. I'm not sure how to handle this. John Online in TN
A. You must
talk to him firmly and at length to explain why you are upset...this is a matter
of your family values. Your values are your most important legacy to him, and
your primary job as a parent. He needs to see that no matter what his reasons
were, it was wrong to steal. He needs to apologize to you wife after he
understands this and can
verbalize it.
In addition you need to give him the options he could have used instead of
stealing. If he had told you what he wanted and why, you all could have figured
out how he could earn the money with extra special jobs around the house. Now
he needs to earn money to pay mom back.
Trading cards are not usually the best way to build friendships. Try to get him into 4H or scouts or a sport or a club of some kind where he will enjoy being with peers that have interests similar to his and make friends who do more interesting things than trade cards.
Games, Quitting, and Kids
NOTE TO MY READERS: This letter was a ray of sunshine on a gray, snowy winter day in Traverse City MI. I’d like to share this great advice from one parent with other parents. I totally agree with the way these parents are helping children make good choices about their family time and extra curricular activities. And since I was the Hasbro National Spokesperson for Family Game Night, I also wanted to pass on their comments about families playing games together.
recent column on the 8-year-old boy whose father thought he was "quitting"
all the time.
We have an 11-year-old son and an 8-year-old daughter and
both are very
involved in sports, by their choice. But our rule is that they can each play
one sport per season (no baseball and soccer at the same time, for example),
and once they have signed up for the team, they must complete the season
because they have committed their time to the team and others are counting
on them. At the end of the season, if they decide not to play that sport again,
that's fine. They then are free to pursue any other activity or lessons they
choose.
Limiting them to one activity a season preserves some precious family time
away from a sports field, and gives them time to simply be outside and play
freely with the other children in the neighborhood.
We also enjoy family games at least once a week, and marvel at other children who come over and seem clueless about how to interact when we invite them to play. We know how many life skills children learn from playing games with us, and especially how enjoying each other this way builds strong communication and bonds in the family.
Our children both enjoyed lots of free play time when they
were younger, and we think this fed our children's imaginations and creative
problem solving. We also refuse to buy them a video game console because there
are too many kids who sit inside on a beautiful day in a quest of the next level
of whatever game is hottest at the time. We're definitely
not perfect parents, but we have happy, well-adjusted kids, and that’s our top
priority!
We appreciate your words of wisdom and keep up the good work! A.B. Online in
Smyrna TN
Involve her in the preparation of the meal so that she becomes part of the social and family meal ritual. Make her a part of the food preparation. Let her set the table and ring a small dinner bell.
Involve her in the preparation of the meal so that she becomes part of the social and family meal ritual. Make her a part of the food preparation. Let her set the table and ring a small dinner bell.
If you want to eat late, do it without her. Young children must eat at a predictable time each day to keep on schedule for good health. Making her wait is part of your problem. Fix her dinner early and have her sit and eat all of it. Later, if it’s not bedtime, she can read or play while you eat dinner and then join you for dessert. Instead of something sweet her dessert could be a nutritious snack. Changing this behavior is important for both her health and manners.
Year Round Valentines
Behavior of six year old
I think you need to see for yourselves what’s happening at school. Try to
observe him there for a few hours for further insight. Remember that school and
home behavior is often quite different. Some children respond to pressure at
school by misbehaving, and others play the "perfect" child at school and then
come home to let their hair down and have tantrums. Others act out possible
worries about a new baby at school, but not at home.
I totally agree that spanking will not solve this problem. You need to
understand it before you can solve it, and spanking won’t get you there.
Spanking in terms of long term effects is not effective or appropriate; rewards
and praise for good behavior is the way to proceed, both at home and school.
Discuss this with your child’s teacher; be sure she is not “labeling” him as the
“naughty” boy
Overanxious Mom Causes Child Anxiety
3-Year-Old Terror
Three’s are generally very cooperative and want to please adults, even though
they have occasional relapses into the two's and tantrum stage. These parents
need to know more about what’s normal. Get them the classic Frances Ilg and
Louise Ames books, “Your Two Year Old,” “Your Three Year Old,” etc up to age 8.
Three's don't like change; they DO like predictable routines that they can depend on. If the child isn’t getting clear expectations and limits, she feels insecure and acts out more intensely. All young children need limits and need praise for good or improved behavior. They need to be ignored or separated from the group when behavior is not appropriate.
Three's are too young to understand a "sit in the chair" time out. They should be held tight on one's lap until they relax and breathe and can be told what the adult wants them to do, or removed to another room and left to safely finish the tantrum before any discussion, which should be very short and simple.Gift Suggestions for Children
For good gift suggestions based on facts, go to The National Parenting Center at www.tnpc.com and read their Seal of Approval pages. The National Parenting Center's Seal of Approval products have been thoroughly tested by educators, children and parents who are involved in an eight-week multi-step testing process. The Seal of Approval program is just one of a variety of informative archives provided online by The National Parenting Center.
Parents, children, and educators at The National Parenting Center examine a variety of submitted Seal of Approval products. Products are played with, built, read about, and judged by product quality and reactions of children. Participants use questionnaires to evaluate each product's level of desirability, sturdiness, interactive stimulation and quality.
The new Holiday 2004 Seal of Approval issue is now posted, and you can also see back issues to 1992. You'll find reviews of audio, video, computer software, games, books, toys, kits and crafts and educational products. Products are divided by age group from infants to teens, and have a wide range of prices. What I like best are the written reviews that describe each product, tell what's special about it, and tell how children reacted as they used it. Here are a few examples of this year’s winning products. Get more detailed information by going to www.tnpc.com
Stress Reducers for Holiday Time
* Make some adjustments and realistic goals. Buy some of your cookies at a bake sale instead of making them, or bake now and freeze them. Get your spouse involved in the shopping and the gift wrapping.
* Let the children know ahead when company's coming. Before the event, clarify your expectations with a few simple rules. Get the kids involved in cleaning and decorating.
* Keep it simple, whether it's meals, decorations or gifts. Remember some of the best gifts for kids are the simplest…like their very colored paper and new crayons, play dough you make yourself, their own safe scissors and tape, their own small squeeze flashlights, stickers, masking tape, glue, rubber stamps and ink pads, and maybe even a gold fish or a magnifying glass. These simple gifts (like good children's books) nurture creativity and thinking skills and have lasting power, not battery power.
* If you have a “must buy” list, arrange to shop when the store opens, call first to see if they have what you want. For example if you want the Care Bears that dance to music check to see if they will hold one for you. If you want a Fisher Price Power Touch Baby reading system call now as it’s a hot item. (Personally I believe that reading stories to your child on your lap is and will always be far better than electronic toys.)
* Find your sense of humor; it's the greatest stress reliever in the world. When we see some of the inevitable holiday problems as funny, it helps take the edge off.
Reactivate your funny bone with these excerpts from "Yes Virginia You Can Survive the Holidays" by Kathy Peel and Judie Byrd in a 1991 Family Focus magazine.
* The time it takes to find a parking space is inversely proportional to time spent shopping. And the other line always moves faster.
* Interchangeable parts won't be. Unassembled gifts will have twice as many screws as you expect and some parts will be left over.
* When a broken toy is demonstrated to the store return clerk it will work perfectly.
* Amnesia strikes all family members when the scissors and tape cannot be found.
* The more expensive a gift, the better your chances are of dropping it.
Q:
Stuttering
Years ago, a boy of about age nine came to my door with a notebook and asked if he could ask me a few questions which were part of an “assignment.” He looked shy but sincere, and he stuttered a little as he made his request. I figured that these face- to-face interviews were important to him, so I readily agreed. His first question was, “What do you think is the most important cause of stuttering?” My answer was, “It’s probably parents who try to help too much, causing tension and anxiety.” His answering smile was bright as a summer day! He started talking about stuttering and related topics. But his stuttering had completely stopped.
There is one more thing you can do. The Stuttering Foundation has a new video that will reassure you and also be an inspiration to your son. It will help his see he’s not alone and that there are many other kids who really do understand. “Stuttering For Kids By Kids” is a new 12 minute DVD in which real children and cartoon characters come together to help other kids who stutter. In this lively video children who stutter talk sincerely and frankly about how to deal with teasing, how to teach others about stuttering, and the things that help them most. It’s available in all public libraries on DVD and VHS. You can also call The Stuttering Foundation helpline at 800-992-9392 for more information.
Q:
Q:
“Let’s Talk about S-E-X“ by Sam Gitchel and Lorri Foster may be helpful for you to read as a resource. It includes a parents’ guide that you can use with your child when she is older. The book was originally published by Planned Parenthood; the second and updated edition is now published by Book Peddlers and can be viewed at www.bookpeddlers.com Remember that children who are given a well-grounded education in sexuality information tend to make wiser decisions for themselves in the teen years.
Alternatives to Spanking
Q:
The main points of
positive discipline are to make your expectations
clear and simple, and to give PRAISE (including hugs and smiles) for
every incident that shows the child is trying or improving. Children repeat
behavior for which they are praised. You also need to be able to choose from
many other different strategies to suit the situation and the age of the child,
and be able to change them as the child grows. Let’s talk about two strategies,
behavior modification and time out.
Behavior modification is related to praise. For example, you might give the
child gold stars on a calendar for "a good day" or for cooperating while getting
dressed. When children earn a certain number of stars they get a meaningful
reward, like doing something special together or being able to choose the day’s
dinner or dessert. Smiles and hugs rewards that should always be used. Stop
the pattern of which you are fearful and try praise. If you find yourself
losing your temper, leave the room to regain your own self-control; ignore the
child’s tantrum.
Time out doesn’t usually work well with three’s. It works best when a child is
nearer four and can tell you why he/she is having a time out, and can also tell
you when they are "ready" to leave time out and cooperate. A screaming and
kicking three year old can’t sit in a chair for time out. Instead, pick the
child up, and hold her very firmly on your lap. Say nothing until she calms
down and stops struggling.
When your child is breathing calmly and is relaxed, tell her what you expect.
Keep it simple and short; three’s are not intellectually mature enough to
understand abstract lectures. If you can’t stay calm during this time out,
simply leave the room and shut the door until the tantrum is over. See my
column archives in
www.askevelyn.com for more ideas.
Preparing for
Kindergarten in 2005
Q:
Yes, SOME children do learn to read early and that’s fine; children who are ready and want to do it will learn to read regardless of policies, and parents and teachers are happy for them. But the demand to have every four-year old take standardized tests and read is not appropriate. Other westernized countries don’t put this pressure on young children; in most countries "formal" reading instruction for all children begins at age seven when success for each child is secure.
Write your Representatives and Senators to tell them your views on this issue. If children are forced to read before they are ready there will be many more children “left behind” with low self-image and school reading problems.
Head Start does accept a percentage of over income children and it’s a fine preschool program with an emphasis on literacy, and discovery learning. Try to get your son into Head Start or another good preschool program. Call the National Assn. For the Education of Young Children at 800-424-2460 to ask for their brochure about what constitutes a good preschool.
Meanwhile, use the library and enjoy reading with
your child every day. Use hands on concrete activities to count, compare,
measure, and sort objects, pictures, coins, and household items. Listen and
talk and play games and enjoy this year while your child is four, and nurture
ALL aspects of his growth including social skills, creativity and problem
solving skills.
Also go visit the kindergarten your son will go to in 2005 and observe.
You may be pleasantly surprised that most kindergarten teachers do not expect
children to come to school able to read. They DO expect children to come
healthy, eager to learn, self confident, able to follow directions, able to get
along with others, and interested in learning about reading, counting, and
letters/sounds.
Q:
Deal with the bug phobia. The fear is not logical but is very real to him. There are books and articles online that will help, but the main point is to "desensitize" him from the fear. You do this by objectively studying an insect or bug. You read about it, see pictures of it, and eventually see the real thing in a jar or display. You can get help from any counselor on this common problem.
Q:
Starting School
Keep Kids out of Mischief While on the Phone
Q:
Explain that as parents part of your job is to be honest and open and tell her how you feel. (Tell her just like you told me in your letter.) Use "I" messages, not "you" messages. Explain that you want to listen to her reasoning after she hears how you feel. Tell her that since you are legally and morally responsible for her as parents, you have a right to clear the air and get some reasoning and reassurance from her about the reasons for such secrecy.
This is the mature and responsible way to handle the issue, and part of your job as parents is to nurture mature and responsible relationships between you and your children, as well as with others. Explain that it is in her (and her friend’s) best long-term interest to have this kind of honest and open discussion. Remember that when she has her turn to talk you must listen carefully. Don’t over react and don’t interrupt. Think and reflect before you respond.
If you have a positive and ongoing relationship with the boy you might strongly consider including him in this discussion at your family meeting. If not, meet with her first, but tell the boy's parents that you’re going to have this talk with your daughter to get clarification and reassurance. Get their input.
Grandparents Must Say
Goodbye
Q:
Don’t worry, your son will probably adjust more easily than you will. But he will ask about his grandparents in the days after their departure. You should say the same thing. They have a house too, like we do, and now it is time for them to go home to their house until the next time they come see us. Keep their memory alive with pictures of them and things he did with them while they were here.
Stay in regular touch with them by exchanging notes and photos by email or post. Talk about the letters and photos with your son. You can even make a special scrapbook of these pictures to look at and talk about. Be sure to take pictures before they leave so you can start his scrapbook now.
Q:
If your 16 year old drives and has a car and is VERY responsible, maybe you
could do let them try staying in the old district, but this would present a new
set of problems. For example, if the 16 year old has after school activities
and the 13 year old does not, it would be difficult.
If you want to appeal to them to change schools, you need to find motives that
would entice them. Being able to get into clubs or sports or honors classes
that they could not get into at the old school might motivate a change. (They
might make even better new friends, but they won’t believe that.)
Since the schools are not far apart, you could arrange for them to continue
their old friendships and social get-togethers anyway, and make new friends
too. Teens may have trouble believing that too, even if they have cell phones
and can talk with the old friends often or email them daily...all of which they
could still do in the new school.
Have a calm family discussion about this and be completely honest in listing all
the pros and cons of old school versus new school, explaining the time and gas
situation. If you know anyone else that has been through this, try to get their
input. If your 16 year old will be a senior next year, it will be harder to
accept the move, since he would want to graduate with friends. You may want to
consider letting him stay at the old school and have the 13 yr old move to the
new one. Consider the pros and cons of that idea too. Good luck; you need it.
Meals and Bedtime for Infant
Q:
There should BE no bedtime struggle! If you are not firm now about putting her to bed at bedtime (This is YOUR CHOICE not hers and YOUR TIME, not hers) this struggle will not go away; it will get worse and worse. Babies quickly learn what and how to push your buttons, and bedtime is a button they love to push.
Remember that it’s normal for them to do this for attention, but YOU are the one
who must make decisions about their health and the amount of sleep they (and
you) need. (Babies usually need 12-14 hours a night.) They are not mature
little people; they are babies. Infants and toddlers NEED routines, rules and
limits just like twos and threes do. You won’t damage their self esteem by
giving them the security of these limits.
Create and insist on a simple bedtime routine that you can modify as she gets
older. By the time she walks, here is what that routine would be like. First
prepare: "It's time to put away the toys in 5 minutes…Now it’s time for a bath
or clean up. Now we can have a snack (keep it simple and small like bland cereal
and milk) and do our tooth brushing." Then you can do the bedtime story and the
tuck in and kiss goodnight. You might even add a special music box or tape to
play softly as you leave her with her security blanket and teddy bear, but LEAVE
and don't return at all. Some will cry longer than 5 minutes and that’s okay.
Start a modification of that routine NOW and stick to it.
Help by Being a Big Sister
For now, I suggest is that you find out who the child's teacher is and make an appointment to tell the teacher what you’ve observed. This will give the school staff a “heads up” to watch for other signs of neglect. (dirty clothing, same clothes every day, dirty hair, poor school and reading achievement, etc.) As professionals, teachers are required by law to report such cases. If you tell them what you and mom have seen, they’ll observe the child more carefully, try to help her more with school-work, and report to the authorities if they feel they should.
Also, find out about the Big Brother Big Sister program in your community and sign up to be a big sister for the child. Explain the situation to them if it’s kept confidential. That way you can more easily help her out with homework and grooming, and keep an eye on this. If the mother sees this as a help to HER, especially the schoolwork part, she won't have a problem with it. You would make a fabulous Big Sister! Thanks for being a caring person.
Leaving Baby Behind
Your child will be fine in the care of those she knows and is comfortable with. Your parents will continue using your loving ways, including loving touch, facial expressions and soothing voices. They will care for her immediate and daily needs just as you would.
What you can do is have fun and relax. Spend your time and
attention on your husband who probably needs you even more now that your
attentions are divided between him and the child. It is certainly in your best
interest and your child's best interests to make sure your relationship as a
couple is strong, positive and loving.
If you leave your phone numbers, the family can call if anything happens. If you
decide to call them, do it rarely if at all!! (Remember the goal
of your excursion.) And don't ask to talk to the baby on the phone, which is
okay with preschoolers but would be confusing to a baby.
NOTE TO NEW PARENTS: One of the best “new” general books about the early years is called “The First Years” offered by DK Publishing with a forward by Rob Reiner, founder of I Am Your Child Foundation. DK Publishing, and the Foundation have combined the latest child development research and childcare guidance with the work of authors Joanne Go, Janet Pozmantier and Laurie Segal Robinson to create this comprehensive and beautifully illustrated book. The book emphasizes practical advice on the first 36 months of a child’s life, and gives clear information about ways early experiences affect children’s development and learning. The format provides tips on early challenges as well as resources for new parents without being overwhelming. Start with a general book like this one as an overview. Later, expand your reading to books about particular topics, like the series on each year of life by Louise B. Ames and Frances Ilg, or books from baby games to toilet training to travel tips by Vicki Lansky, or the books on communication and discipline by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. My own books and videos can be found on my web site www.askevelyn.com and on amazon.com
Six Year Old has Health Complaints
Or maybe she is watching too many
TV commercials and getting brainwashed into thinking that something has GOT to
be wrong with her. A multitude of commercials try to convince us of this. Try
watching the television commercials with her and explain that these commercials
are simply the way drug companies advertise and try to get people anxious enough
to buy their products.
At age six she’s old enough to have interests outside herself, plus friends to
pursue these interests with. You can see that complaining about her aches and
pains is only making her more self-absorbed. Observe her, talk with her, and
listen to discover her talents and interests. Then get her into just one sport
or Brownies or 4H or art classes or swimming…something she likes and in which
she will find new friends. She needs to have less time to think about her
possible problems and more time to do interesting things.
Peers become
more important during the years from 6-8. Try to have her friends
over, and play table games with them. Board games teach life skills like
cooperation, taking turns, persistence, strategy, and winning and losing
gracefully. They take the focus off of oneself and help both adults and children
relate on the same level as they enjoy each other.
If at all possible, get her involved with some simple type of volunteer work,
even if it's spending an hour a week doing helpful things or “TLC” at the Humane
Society. She needs to learn more about the world of others so that she will
stop focusing on herself. This way, maybe she will only tell you about real and
serious pains and not just every little thing.
Just one more important point. Perhaps you are already scheduling
her with many outside activities. Her complaining may be her only way to
express the fact that this is overwhelming. She may not know how to tell you
and doesn’t want to disappoint you. Six-year olds should only do one or two
extra things besides school, and only if they really love them.
The Help Out Habit
At preschool, children learn that helping out is expected and that all children help out every day. When children take these responsibilities it makes them feel they are important members of a group. This can happen at home too if young children know what’s expected and get praise for doing their jobs.
When your child grow ups she’ll be an adult member of many groups that engage in both work and play. We all have to work, follow rules, cooperate as team members, and help each other. If you start the “help out habit” when children are young, you are laying the foundation of these life skills and the work ethic. Remember that how perfectly children do their jobs is not as important as teaching them this important help out habit.
Point out that all our family members do simple things every day that are helpful to each other, just like at school. For example, when she gets dressed and undressed by herself or puts her dirty clothes in the hamper, or puts away her toys, she is helping the family group. Tell her she is growing up, and now she can do more helpful things. When everyone helps out there’s more time for family fun!
Give her some simple daily chores or jobs that are appropriate for her age Give clear, short, simple explanations of what to do. It is important that that you give her lots of praise for each task she completes. (When children get praise or gold stars on a calendar for what they do either at home or at school, they continue to do it.) Here are some ways she can help out at home.
Keep her own room and toys in order
Family Meals - Passing on Family Values
For example, families used to eat meals together, even if it was only supper or dinner each day. This was a time for talking about what each person’s day was like…talking over how they felt about what they did that day and who they did it with. Families also talked about their families and friends; they discussed what was going on in the workplace and the world and voiced opinions about these things. When parents talk to children (or each other with children present) about what is important to them, they are stating their values.
Eating at least one meal with my parents each day gave me some definite messages about what my folks believed was important, such as the work ethic, loyalty, friendship, a sense of humor, honesty and manners. They talked about books and articles, and often told funny stories about their day. And I also heard their views on political issues and the reasons they felt the way they did. Today, the opportunity for family dinner conversation, a primary way of passing on our family values, is being lost simply because we are not prioritizing family meals.
What a waste of opportunities to relate to each other face to face and listen and talk about what is meaningful in our lives. What a waste of opportunities to teach our children what we believe is important and why, without even trying, just by eating dinner together. Isn’t this more important to our children than having family members rush off to see a TV show, call someone, or do some extra office work? After all, we are only talking about an hour a day out of the 168 hours in a week.
Eating together and playing games together around the table are the best ways to do modeling and face-to-face communication that strengthens family bonds and passes on our values to children. TV, shopping, malls, movies, computers and videos are no substitute for conversations between parents and children. Make your New Year resolution to have family meals every night that it’s possible. Turn off the phone and TV, relax, talk and enjoy each other as people.
Getting Baby to Sleep
Stop worrying if your child fusses and cries. It is normal! And ALL of us
need to learn to go to sleep on our own...this is a natural human thing we all
must learn, not something we are born with. As adults we go to bed and get up
and go back to sleep. Your child will learn this too, but not if you keep
picking her up when she fusses and screams.
You say she "won’t stay in her crib.” Please. She is 3 months old and she
will stay in the crib if you leave her there and leave the room. It may
take a few nights for her to learn that she must relax and go to sleep but
she will learn this. Be patient. If she falls asleep and then wakes and
screams
leave her be...each time she does this she will take less and less time to go
back to sleep, and soon the problem will be solved.
Of course you must be sure she is safe; this means no pillows in the crib.
Also, be
VERY sure she is completely burped after her feeding. Air bubbles can cause
painful gas and colic. Colic is very common at this age, as your doctor should
have told you. Ask your doctor what you can do about colic just in case she has
it.
You need to take care of yourself so you can properly take care of her and
raise her. This cannot happen if you are tired and run down. So get your
rest and take care of yourself, the house, and your spouse if you have one.
Don't let your 3-month-old start controlling your life. This is not good for
you or for her. You are the one in charge...and you have to be, because young
children cannot and should not make decisions about their health, rest and
long-term best interest.
Your real friends and loved ones will care much more about relaxing conversation and laughter during time spent together than what your house and hors dorves look like. And do we really want to spend time with people who are critiquing our every move, our food and our decorations? Holidays are for joy and fond memories for both parents and children. Here are some tips.
When your children grow up they won’t remember your fancy meals or your perfectly clean house; they’ll remember the fun and love you shared
Holidays and Family Values