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Child's Low Grades Creates a Parent Dilemma
Q
Our 12 year old son went from straight A's last year in 5th grade to
B's and now a C in the third quarter of 6th grade. We set a rule at the
beginning of the year that if he got lower than a B, he could not play sports.
He is very active player…soccer in the fall, winter basketball and summer (his
all time favorite) baseball. He just received his 3rd quarter report (C+) in
Social Studies. We have told him that he cannot play baseball. This is his last
year to play in Little League and our family (the grandparents) and friends and
co-workers think it’s mean not to let him play anyway, even though we have had
this rule in place since September. What do you think? Are we being too
strict? Will our son resent us? If we let him play, will he just think we’re
“easy” or will he be grateful? Please help. B. Online
A
I think that only you and your husband can answer these questions and
make the right decision for your son and yourselves. Your son has known that the
rule was in place for months. You need to consider what he will think of your
rules in the future if you change them this time and allow him to play baseball,
even though he knew the consequences of letting his grade drop. Will he resent
you and hold a grudge, or will he respect you? If you say he can play, will
this erode future contracts you may make with him? Or will he be so grateful
that he will never let his grades get lower again. You know your son best; what
do you think?
Whatever you decide, it’s best not to listen to the friends and co-workers or even the grandparents. You are the parents and this is YOUR decision, not theirs. I really think, however, that it would be worth while if you ask your son honestly what HE thinks you should do.
It would be good to involve him in this dilemma because he would have to really think about this situation, and put himself in your shoes. And why not? He caused the problem. He should become a part of the solution and part of the decision you all make. It would be good for him to fully realize that there are consequences for his choices and behaviors. It is in his best long-term interest to understand that.
Perhaps you can discuss this and brainstorm as a family and come up with an alternative consequence or punishment so that he could still play baseball. I don't know how that would work out, but I do feel that all of you need to have a family meeting to decide what you want to do. Handle this as a family team.
Are Parents Growing Children as Projects or People?
Q
I have our three year old in a play
group that meets twice a week. I like the socialization with the other moms,
but feel great pressures when I hear them talk about their plans to get their
children into pre dance, pre gymnastics, sports and so on. I don’t understand
why! But I wonder if I’m doing my child a disservice by not jumping on this
bandwagon. Is she going to lose an edge or be less successful if I just send
her to regular preschool next year and enjoy my time with her instead? Anxious
Mom Online
A
You know your child best, and you
should trust your own instincts. Until she shows a real interest or talent in
such activities, ignore these pressures. Find a good part time preschool next
year, but enjoy every moment of your own time together. You’re lucky to have
the time, because it’s in these early years that you can best develop the family
communication and bonds your child will need most during the school years, as
well as the values you hold and life skills you want to teach.
These are the years to develop strong self esteem that comes of feeling both loveable and capable and the social skills of understanding how to share and communicate with peers and adults. These are the years she needs to learn how her behavior affects others, which is more valuable than rote manners. These are the years to encourage self help and self discipline that’s the foundation for making wise choices, and the years she must learn that she has to accept the responsibility and consequences of poor choices or behavior.
In the long-term scheme of life, school and the real world, these things are far more important than just being “smart” or competitive. What good is being clever and competitive unless you learn these other things too? Many parents make the mistake of buying in to the concept that their children will learn what they need for success in life by being involved in as many scheduled activities as possible.
They don’t realize that they may be letting other adults influence their child’s values and life skills, and abdicating their roles in nurturing other aspects of their children’s development. They don’t realize that some children develop hidden anxieties and resentments to “pushing” and over scheduling that surfaces in later years as rebellion, disrespect and rudeness. Parents’ choices must be made in children’s best long term interest, and based on the individual needs of the child, not because “everyone is doing it."
The pressures on parents to “over cultivate” young children makes them think of children as “projects” not people. See more in next week’s column about the role that marketing/consumerism plays in this issue, and find out what the American Academy of Pediatricians says about it in its latest release of research.
Q
Last week’s “Anxious Mom” wrote to
say she was worried that her preschooler might be less successful if she stayed
home and did things with her instead of being in “enrichment” activities all
week. She wondered why other moms seemed so frantic about their children’s
academic preparation. Why are so many parents feeling this pressure? What are
they giving up when they focus only on their children’s academic and competitive
skills? What do the experts say?
A
Today’s parents are overwhelmed with
an overload of information. Books, web sites, magazines, the advice of peers,
and the deluge of marketing pitches pressures them to be parents who load
children’s schedules with activities designed to increase competitive and
academic skills, and often drive their children to excel in all areas. This is
not only an unrealistic expectation, it leaves little time for listening and
talking that helps parents understand their kids and help them grow into
well-rounded people.
An example of media pressure is the current ad that says “Stop making your bed and go play your V-Smile learning videos.” Or “Stop doing the dishes and go play your V Smile learning video.” The message says that doing your chores and being a family team member is not important, and that learning colors, numbers, and letters is more crucial. Actually, the only thing important to the advertiser is that parents feel they MUST buy the videos.
But videos cannot replace parental guidance and parental modeling. Videos cannot replace the communication and face to face enjoyment of each other during family games. Videos cannot replace the child’s need to sit in your lap and hear you tell or read a story, which is the best way to nurture the love of reading.
In their efforts to teach preschool children their letters and numbers, (which, by the way, is not what kindergarten teachers really want) parents often forget the valuable things children learn during down time or play. This is when children learn that parents love them for who they are, not what they can do, and when children learn they have someone who listens and will be there for them.
Studies by the American Academy of Pediatricians have also shown that play helps children release stress, become more creative, discover their own talents and interests, develop problem solving skills, learn how to relate to and enjoy other people, and adjust more easily to new situations. These are life skills kids need.
The October news report of the American Academy of Pediatricians says that what children need for healthy development is more good old fashioned playtime. Overuse of “passive” entertainment like computer games and television should be avoided, and true, open-ended toys like blocks should be emphasized. The report concludes that “enrichment tools and organized activities can be beneficial, but should never be viewed as a requirement for creating successful children. Above all, they must be BALANCED with plenty of free play time.”
Better Options for Infant Fascinated by Television
Q: We
have a beautiful healthy 3-month old girl who loves to watch the TV. If I have
it on during the day or am watching a movie at night she’ll look at it be still
and quiet. I think she is just attracted to the lights and colors. Is this
something I should worry about and try to limit? I definitely don't want to
raise a child who watches TV all day! Will having it on a lot at this early age
lead to any problems later on? J.S. Online
A:
But you certainly don’t want her to make TV watching a habit. There are many other options that would do her more good. If she likes colors and music you can add colorful mobiles and music tapes to her room. You can add scents and bubbles in her bath water. And she should be able to use nesting toys, soft balls and soft, colored blocks in a few months.
The passive watching of TV will not help develop the brain
connections that toddlers need for cognitive growth. These brain connections
are formed by the child’s active interaction with his or her environment. The
connections “set the stage” in the brain so that the child can more easily begin
to do conceptual thinking in the later preschool years.
Open-ended discovery activities will be important as she gets a little older.
Between ages two and three, let her try water play, home made play dough, and
crayons or markers on plain paper. Encourage the use of blocks of all kinds,
and enjoy nature and the outdoors.
Some researchers believe that children who have had the “TV habit” during the
preschool years have trouble learning to read. This is because the staring at
one place…the television screen…makes the eye muscles weak in the area of
tracking left to right...the eye muscles can get that way from staring into one
place for hours each day.
Enjoy your baby and don't over worry. Go to the library (or amazon.com or a
store) and get the books by Louise Ames and Frances Ilg about "Your One Year
Old," "Your Two Year Old" etc. up to age 8. They are simple, enjoyable,
inexpensive, small books that have been around a long time. For more advice,
creative ideas, parent brochures, and link resources, see my web site www.askevelyn.com
NOTE to M.Y.R. Meet the mom and spend some time over coffee with her before letting your child go over to the new friend’s house.
Deaths of Loved Ones Cause New Anxieties
Q: Recently, our 6-year-old has been crying when I drop him off at school. He’s gone through Pre-K, Kindergarten, and almost two months of first grade with no issues at all, and never looked back when he left the car. We’ve had some deaths in the family over the last 6 months…a great-grandmother in April, a grandfather - that he had been with daily for his whole life - in May, and a grandfather he had just gotten to know about two weeks ago. Could all these deaths be the problem, and if so, how can I help him through this? We've reassured him that someone will always be there for him and that we are healthy, while his grandparents were elderly and sick. I've taken him into the classroom sometimes, and his teachers have been very kinds and loving. We've asked him at night what's wrong and what can we do to help. Any ideas? T. R. Online
A:
What may be making this so hard, however, is that at some point between the ages of six and eight, for the first time children come to realize that they, too, are mortal and may die some day. Before that age, they may have seen death and usually accepted that it is final, but they do not realize they, themselves are not immortal. It is possible that he’s experiencing feelings of fear and confusion about his own eventual death.
Yes, he needs reassurance that you are healthy and will be there for him as long as he needs you. But he also needs to know that HE is healthy and will not die for a long, long time until he is very old. Give him real examples of the ways that he’s fit and healthy and the things he does that keep him strong and healthy.
You can also go to your librarian for help with this issue. There are books written especially for children about death and dying that are very, very helpful. Share these books with the teacher, too. Perhaps the teacher can read these stories and talk to the children in the class about this issue. Some of the others can share their own experiences, and hearing from others his age who have experienced these feelings and fears will help him.
Can He Stay Home Alone?
Q: We have two girls ages 8 and 11. Just like other kids their ages, they fight frequently. They're not bad kids, but they can't seem to resolve their differences in a semi-civilized manner. Simple things blow up quickly into "I hate you" and meanness we don't want to tolerate. We've tried taking away things that are important to them …no TV, no computer, etc. And we've tried giving them extra work to do as punishment for the fights, but nothing really lasts. We're now trying 'you must earn good things'. They don't get extra fun activities until we feel they have earned it by being nicer to each other. As I write this I'm realizing just how normal they really are. My brother and I fought a lot as did most other siblings I know. But it’s such a headache constantly dealing with this. Other than these episodes the girls are model kids with many friends. Any suggestions? Tired Dad Online
A:
Can He Stay Home Alone?
Q:
A:
You also need to know with certainly that he wouldn't use the stove or cook
or use matches when you are away for 30 minutes. Does he mind you and keep
your rules and understand them? If you think he can stay alone and be safe
for 30 minutes it's your decision. Some children would be fine; others
would take chances, experiment and not be safe
You also need to know what he’ll be doing when you are gone. He should be
able to explain specifically what he’s going to do, like read, do homework,
etc. Whatever you decide, the buck stops with you. You are the one
ultimately and legally responsible for your child's safety and well being.
NOTE FROM THE GIRL SCOUTS: I read the letter from the single mom with a lonely child. She needs to know more about Girl Scouts. It costs $10 per year for membership. In middle Tennessee and southern Kentucky, the Girl Scout Council of Cumberland Valley provides 'scholarships' for families that cannot afford membership. No girl is turned away for inability to pay. Uniforms are encouraged, but NOT required. In many troops, the girls decorate T-shirts that are used as their troop 'uniform.' Yes, extra activities, trips, and supplies cost money, but these costs are supplemented by Girl Scout sales. If a family is in financial hardship, a sponsor can be found to help fund extra activities so that girl can participate fully. This is all done confidentially; no one is embarrassed or singled out. There are also in-school programs for girls that cannot attend traditional troop meetings. Call the Girl Scout Council of Cumberland Valley at 800-395-5318. Ask for the Membership Development Manager to find out what programs or troops are available in the area in which the child attends school.
Angel at School; Terror at Home
Q: We’re
having some behavior challenges with our 5 year old daughter. She’s become
stubborn and often refuses to do what she is told. She also has violent
tantrums that go on for up to an hour. At other times she’s loving, fun and
very good. We have tried rewarding good behavior, withdrawing treats and
ignoring bad behavior. These work for a while and then they don’t. She
seems to control our lives and makes things very difficult. She’s a very
bright child, according to her teacher, and absolutely “perfect” in her
school behavior. She’s been brought up in a loving and stable environment
so I see no for her extreme and controlling behavior. We are at the end of
our rope and would appreciate your advice. Lois and Chris, Online
A: Sometimes school and home
behaviors are very different, and this may be a clue to your home problems.
If your child is very, very good in school and an over achiever of sorts,
she can be putting lots of pressure on herself to have “perfect” behavior.
Then, when she comes home, where she can let her hair down, she’s having
tantrums and acting out to release the stress. At home she can control some
situations but at school she probably can control very little. There may be
a correlation between the times the tantrums and misbehavior occur and the
times she goes to school or returns home.
You should take the time to visit and school for the day and observe how she
behaves there. Look for clues to help you solve this problem. At least
you’ll be able to rule out anything going on at school that may be
escalating problems at home. And possibly you’ll find peer friendships to
encourage.
Otherwise, what you are doing...using praise and rewards for following your
house rules and ignoring tantrums…is very appropriate. If she’s bright you
can have a discussion with her about the behavior you want and have her help
write up a contract with you, including both the rules for expected behavior
and the consequences for inappropriate behaviors.
Sometimes bright children do become controlling and try to run the
household. This is especially hard on parents who think that gentle and
loving modeling is all that’s needed. A strong willed child who is bright
needs more than positive modeling. Impress on her that some things are hers
to decide but others are YOURS to decide because you , as her parents, know
what’s in her best long-term interest.
At the same time, give her time and materials to use that she really can control, like open-ended art media. Through clays, paints and pastels she can find both a release from stress and the joy of creating. This will ease the pressure she feels to be perfect at school and help her feel “in control” in appropriate ways that promote secure, calm feelings.
A Baby Bully
A:
If you have a friend with a young child his age, get them together to play under your supervision so you can reinforce these "rules" at home too. What he is doing is normal, but it is not appropriate and he needs to learn that. Getting along with others is not something children are born with; it needs to be taught by both parents and caregivers.
If you go to my web site www.askevelyn.com in the “Books and More” pages you’ll find a video on child guidance and classroom management that is designed for child care centers. You will also see materials parents can order, like the book “Growing Responsible Kids” and a parenting brochure about teaching self discipline.
Stealing and
Shrieking
A: Yes, some infants simply discover that they can make this sound and they love to do it. The more you react the more fun it is for them. It’s a very powerful feeling for them to push your buttons, so ignoring it is best. Usually this phase does not last long, as they will want to try out other types of sounds. Just hang in there and put him in a safe place and leave the room if you must. Don't let him see your facial or body language reactions when you ignore him.
Also distract him by teaching him some NEW sounds to make! Blowing on the skin sounds, barks, growls, anything you can think of. Try clapping, or doing peek-a-boo. You can also distract him by playing a CD or the radio, or direct his attention to crib toys, musical chimes, mobiles, music boxes, and so on. When he hears new sounds he may try to copy them and give up shrieking.
Q. My son took a lot of money out of his mom’s purse to buy trading cards so he could impress his friends. He said he needed good cards so he could win matches and be liked by the other players. He seems more concerned about having been caught than about the loss of trust in him. I'm not sure how to handle this. John Online in TN
A. You must
talk to him firmly and at length to explain why you are upset...this is a matter
of your family values. Your values are your most important legacy to him, and
your primary job as a parent. He needs to see that no matter what his reasons
were, it was wrong to steal. He needs to apologize to you wife after he
understands this and can
verbalize it.
In addition you need to give him the options he could have used instead of
stealing. If he had told you what he wanted and why, you all could have figured
out how he could earn the money with extra special jobs around the house. Now
he needs to earn money to pay mom back.
Trading cards are not usually the best way to build friendships. Try to get him into 4H or scouts or a sport or a club of some kind where he will enjoy being with peers that have interests similar to his and make friends who do more interesting things than trade cards.
Games, Quitting, and Kids
NOTE TO MY READERS: This letter was a ray of sunshine on a gray, snowy winter day in Traverse City MI. I’d like to share this great advice from one parent with other parents. I totally agree with the way these parents are helping children make good choices about their family time and extra curricular activities. And since I was the Hasbro National Spokesperson for Family Game Night, I also wanted to pass on their comments about families playing games together.
recent column on the 8-year-old boy whose father thought he was "quitting"
all the time.
We have an 11-year-old son and an 8-year-old daughter and
both are very
involved in sports, by their choice. But our rule is that they can each play
one sport per season (no baseball and soccer at the same time, for example),
and once they have signed up for the team, they must complete the season
because they have committed their time to the team and others are counting
on them. At the end of the season, if they decide not to play that sport again,
that's fine. They then are free to pursue any other activity or lessons they
choose.
Limiting them to one activity a season preserves some precious family time
away from a sports field, and gives them time to simply be outside and play
freely with the other children in the neighborhood.
We also enjoy family games at least once a week, and marvel at other children who come over and seem clueless about how to interact when we invite them to play. We know how many life skills children learn from playing games with us, and especially how enjoying each other this way builds strong communication and bonds in the family.
Our children both enjoyed lots of free play time when they
were younger, and we think this fed our children's imaginations and creative
problem solving. We also refuse to buy them a video game console because there
are too many kids who sit inside on a beautiful day in a quest of the next level
of whatever game is hottest at the time. We're definitely
not perfect parents, but we have happy, well-adjusted kids, and that’s our top
priority!
We appreciate your words of wisdom and keep up the good work! A.B. Online in
Smyrna TN
Involve her in the preparation of the meal so that she becomes part of the social and family meal ritual. Make her a part of the food preparation. Let her set the table and ring a small dinner bell.
Involve her in the preparation of the meal so that she becomes part of the social and family meal ritual. Make her a part of the food preparation. Let her set the table and ring a small dinner bell.
If you want to eat late, do it without her. Young children must eat at a predictable time each day to keep on schedule for good health. Making her wait is part of your problem. Fix her dinner early and have her sit and eat all of it. Later, if it’s not bedtime, she can read or play while you eat dinner and then join you for dessert. Instead of something sweet her dessert could be a nutritious snack. Changing this behavior is important for both her health and manners.
Year Round Valentines
Behavior of six year old
I think you need to see for yourselves what’s happening at school. Try to
observe him there for a few hours for further insight. Remember that school and
home behavior is often quite different. Some children respond to pressure at
school by misbehaving, and others play the "perfect" child at school and then
come home to let their hair down and have tantrums. Others act out possible
worries about a new baby at school, but not at home.
I totally agree that spanking will not solve this problem. You need to
understand it before you can solve it, and spanking won’t get you there.
Spanking in terms of long term effects is not effective or appropriate; rewards
and praise for good behavior is the way to proceed, both at home and school.
Discuss this with your child’s teacher; be sure she is not “labeling” him as the
“naughty” boy
Overanxious Mom Causes Child Anxiety
3-Year-Old Terror
Three’s are generally very cooperative and want to please adults, even though
they have occasional relapses into the two's and tantrum stage. These parents
need to know more about what’s normal. Get them the classic Frances Ilg and
Louise Ames books, “Your Two Year Old,” “Your Three Year Old,” etc up to age 8.
Three's don't like change; they DO like predictable routines that they can depend on. If the child isn’t getting clear expectations and limits, she feels insecure and acts out more intensely. All young children need limits and need praise for good or improved behavior. They need to be ignored or separated from the group when behavior is not appropriate.
Three's are too young to understand a "sit in the chair" time out. They should be held tight on one's lap until they relax and breathe and can be told what the adult wants them to do, or removed to another room and left to safely finish the tantrum before any discussion, which should be very short and simple.Gift Suggestions for Children
For good gift suggestions based on facts, go to The National Parenting Center at www.tnpc.com and read their Seal of Approval pages. The National Parenting Center's Seal of Approval products have been thoroughly tested by educators, children and parents who are involved in an eight-week multi-step testing process. The Seal of Approval program is just one of a variety of informative archives provided online by The National Parenting Center.
Parents, children, and educators at The National Parenting Center examine a variety of submitted Seal of Approval products. Products are played with, built, read about, and judged by product quality and reactions of children. Participants use questionnaires to evaluate each product's level of desirability, sturdiness, interactive stimulation and quality.
The new Holiday 2004 Seal of Approval issue is now posted, and you can also see back issues to 1992. You'll find reviews of audio, video, computer software, games, books, toys, kits and crafts and educational products. Products are divided by age group from infants to teens, and have a wide range of prices. What I like best are the written reviews that describe each product, tell what's special about it, and tell how children reacted as they used it. Here are a few examples of this year’s winning products. Get more detailed information by going to www.tnpc.com
Stress Reducers for Holiday Time
* Make some adjustments and realistic goals. Buy some of your cookies at a bake sale instead of making them, or bake now and freeze them. Get your spouse involved in the shopping and the gift wrapping.
* Let the children know ahead when company's coming. Before the event, clarify your expectations with a few simple rules. Get the kids involved in cleaning and decorating.
* Keep it simple, whether it's meals, decorations or gifts. Remember some of the best gifts for kids are the simplest…like their very colored paper and new crayons, play dough you make yourself, their own safe scissors and tape, their own small squeeze flashlights, stickers, masking tape, glue, rubber stamps and ink pads, and maybe even a gold fish or a magnifying glass. These simple gifts (like good children's books) nurture creativity and thinking skills and have lasting power, not battery power.
* If you have a “must buy” list, arrange to shop when the store opens, call first to see if they have what you want. For example if you want the Care Bears that dance to music check to see if they will hold one for you. If you want a Fisher Price Power Touch Baby reading system call now as it’s a hot item. (Personally I believe that reading stories to your child on your lap is and will always be far better than electronic toys.)
* Find your sense of humor; it's the greatest stress reliever in the world. When we see some of the inevitable holiday problems as funny, it helps take the edge off.
Reactivate your funny bone with these excerpts from "Yes Virginia You Can Survive the Holidays" by Kathy Peel and Judie Byrd in a 1991 Family Focus magazine.
* The time it takes to find a parking space is inversely proportional to time spent shopping. And the other line always moves faster.
* Interchangeable parts won't be. Unassembled gifts will have twice as many screws as you expect and some parts will be left over.
* When a broken toy is demonstrated to the store return clerk it will work perfectly.
* Amnesia strikes all family members when the scissors and tape cannot be found.
* The more expensive a gift, the better your chances are of dropping it.
Q:
Stuttering
Years ago, a boy of about age nine came to my door with a notebook and asked if he could ask me a few questions which were part of an “assignment.” He looked shy but sincere, and he stuttered a little as he made his request. I figured that these face- to-face interviews were important to him, so I readily agreed. His first question was, “What do you think is the most important cause of stuttering?” My answer was, “It’s probably parents who try to help too much, causing tension and anxiety.” His answering smile was bright as a summer day! He started talking about stuttering and related topics. But his stuttering had completely stopped.
There is one more thing you can do. The Stuttering Foundation has a new video that will reassure you and also be an inspiration to your son. It will help his see he’s not alone and that there are many other kids who really do understand. “Stuttering For Kids By Kids” is a new 12 minute DVD in which real children and cartoon characters come together to help other kids who stutter. In this lively video children who stutter talk sincerely and frankly about how to deal with teasing, how to teach others about stuttering, and the things that help them most. It’s available in all public libraries on DVD and VHS. You can also call The Stuttering Foundation helpline at 800-992-9392 for more information.
Q:
Q:
“Let’s Talk about S-E-X“ by Sam Gitchel and Lorri Foster may be helpful for you to read as a resource. It includes a parents’ guide that you can use with your child when she is older. The book was originally published by Planned Parenthood; the second and updated edition is now published by Book Peddlers and can be viewed at www.bookpeddlers.com Remember that children who are given a well-grounded education in sexuality information tend to make wiser decisions for themselves in the teen years.
Alternatives to Spanking
Q:
The main points of
positive discipline are to make your expectations
clear and simple, and to give PRAISE (including hugs and smiles) for
every incident that shows the child is trying or improving. Children repeat
behavior for which they are praised. You also need to be able to choose from
many other different strategies to suit the situation and the age of the child,
and be able to change them as the child grows. Let’s talk about two strategies,
behavior modification and time out.
Behavior modification is related to praise. For example, you might give the
child gold stars on a calendar for "a good day" or for cooperating while getting
dressed. When children earn a certain number of stars they get a meaningful
reward, like doing something special together or being able to choose the day’s
dinner or dessert. Smiles and hugs rewards that should always be used. Stop
the pattern of which you are fearful and try praise. If you find yourself
losing your temper, leave the room to regain your own self-control; ignore the
child’s tantrum.
Time out doesn’t usually work well with three’s. It works best when a child is
nearer four and can tell you why he/she is having a time out, and can also tell
you when they are "ready" to leave time out and cooperate. A screaming and
kicking three year old can’t sit in a chair for time out. Instead, pick the
child up, and hold her very firmly on your lap. Say nothing until she calms
down and stops struggling.
When your child is breathing calmly and is relaxed, tell her what you expect.
Keep it simple and short; three’s are not intellectually mature enough to
understand abstract lectures. If you can’t stay calm during this time out,
simply leave the room and shut the door until the tantrum is over. See my
column archives in www.askevelyn.com for more ideas.
Preparing for
Kindergarten in 2005
Q:
Yes, SOME children do learn to read early and that’s fine; children who are ready and want to do it will learn to read regardless of policies, and parents and teachers are happy for them. But the demand to have every four-year old take standardized tests and read is not appropriate. Other westernized countries don’t put this pressure on young children; in most countries "formal" reading instruction for all children begins at age seven when success for each child is secure.
Write your Representatives and Senators to tell them your views on this issue. If children are forced to read before they are ready there will be many more children “left behind” with low self-image and school reading problems.
Head Start does accept a percentage of over income children and it’s a fine preschool program with an emphasis on literacy, and discovery learning. Try to get your son into Head Start or another good preschool program. Call the National Assn. For the Education of Young Children at 800-424-2460 to ask for their brochure about what constitutes a good preschool.
Meanwhile, use the library and enjoy reading with
your child every day. Use hands on concrete activities to count, compare,
measure, and sort objects, pictures, coins, and household items. Listen and
talk and play games and enjoy this year while your child is four, and nurture
ALL aspects of his growth including social skills, creativity and problem
solving skills.
Also go visit the kindergarten your son will go to in 2005 and observe.
You may be pleasantly surprised that most kindergarten teachers do not expect
children to come to school able to read. They DO expect children to come
healthy, eager to learn, self confident, able to follow directions, able to get
along with others, and interested in learning about reading, counting, and
letters/sounds.
Q:
Deal with the bug phobia. The fear is not logical but is very real to him. There are books and articles online that will help, but the main point is to "desensitize" him from the fear. You do this by objectively studying an insect or bug. You read about it, see pictures of it, and eventually see the real thing in a jar or display. You can get help from any counselor on this common problem.
Q:
Starting School
Keep Kids out of Mischief While on the Phone
Q:
Explain that as parents part of your job is to be honest and open and tell her how you feel. (Tell her just like you told me in your letter.) Use "I" messages, not "you" messages. Explain that you want to listen to her reasoning after she hears how you feel. Tell her that since you are legally and morally responsible for her as parents, you have a right to clear the air and get some reasoning and reassurance from her about the reasons for such secrecy.
This is the mature and responsible way to handle the issue, and part of your job as parents is to nurture mature and responsible relationships between you and your children, as well as with others. Explain that it is in her (and her friend’s) best long-term interest to have this kind of honest and open discussion. Remember that when she has her turn to talk you must listen carefully. Don’t over react and don’t interrupt. Think and reflect before you respond.
If you have a positive and ongoing relationship with the boy you might strongly consider including him in this discussion at your family meeting. If not, meet with her first, but tell the boy's parents that you’re going to have this talk with your daughter to get clarification and reassurance. Get their input.
Grandparents Must Say
Goodbye
Q:
Don’t worry, your son will probably adjust more easily than you will. But he will ask about his grandparents in the days after their departure. You should say the same thing. They have a house too, like we do, and now it is time for them to go home to their house until the next time they come see us. Keep their memory alive with pictures of them and things he did with them while they were here.
Stay in regular touch with them by exchanging notes and photos by email or post. Talk about the letters and photos with your son. You can even make a special scrapbook of these pictures to look at and talk about. Be sure to take pictures before they leave so you can start his scrapbook now.
Q:
If your 16 year old drives and has a car and is VERY responsible, maybe you
could do let them try staying in the old district, but this would present a new
set of problems. For example, if the 16 year old has after school activities
and the 13 year old does not, it would be difficult.
If you want to appeal to them to change schools, you need to find motives that
would entice them. Being able to get into clubs or sports or honors classes
that they could not get into at the old school might motivate a change. (They
might make even better new friends, but they won’t believe that.)
Since the schools are not far apart, you could arrange for them to continue
their old friendships and social get-togethers anyway, and make new friends
too. Teens may have trouble believing that too, even if they have cell phones
and can talk with the old friends often or email them daily...all of which they
could still do in the new school.
Have a calm family discussion about this and be completely honest in listing all
the pros and cons of old school versus new school, explaining the time and gas
situation. If you know anyone else that has been through this, try to get their
input. If your 16 year old will be a senior next year, it will be harder to
accept the move, since he would want to graduate with friends. You may want to
consider letting him stay at the old school and have the 13 yr old move to the
new one. Consider the pros and cons of that idea too. Good luck; you need it.
Meals and Bedtime for Infant
Q:
There should BE no bedtime struggle! If you are not firm now about putting her to bed at bedtime (This is YOUR CHOICE not hers and YOUR TIME, not hers) this struggle will not go away; it will get worse and worse. Babies quickly learn what and how to push your buttons, and bedtime is a button they love to push.
Remember that it’s normal for them to do this for attention, but YOU are the one
who must make decisions about their health and the amount of sleep they (and
you) need. (Babies usually need 12-14 hours a night.) They are not mature
little people; they are babies. Infants and toddlers NEED routines, rules and
limits just like twos and threes do. You won’t damage their self esteem by
giving them the security of these limits.
Create and insist on a simple bedtime routine that you can modify as she gets
older. By the time she walks, here is what that routine would be like. First
prepare: "It's time to put away the toys in 5 minutes…Now it’s time for a bath
or clean up. Now we can have a snack (keep it simple and small like bland cereal
and milk) and do our tooth brushing." Then you can do the bedtime story and the
tuck in and kiss goodnight. You might even add a special music box or tape to
play softly as you leave her with her security blanket and teddy bear, but LEAVE
and don't return at all. Some will cry longer than 5 minutes and that’s okay.
Start a modification of that routine NOW and stick to it.
Help by Being a Big Sister
For now, I suggest is that you find out who the child's teacher is and make an appointment to tell the teacher what you’ve observed. This will give the school staff a “heads up” to watch for other signs of neglect. (dirty clothing, same clothes every day, dirty hair, poor school and reading achievement, etc.) As professionals, teachers are required by law to report such cases. If you tell them what you and mom have seen, they’ll observe the child more carefully, try to help her more with school-work, and report to the authorities if they feel they should.
Also, find out about the Big Brother Big Sister program in your community and sign up to be a big sister for the child. Explain the situation to them if it’s kept confidential. That way you can more easily help her out with homework and grooming, and keep an eye on this. If the mother sees this as a help to HER, especially the schoolwork part, she won't have a problem with it. You would make a fabulous Big Sister! Thanks for being a caring person.
Leaving Baby Behind
Your child will be fine in the care of those she knows and is comfortable with. Your parents will continue using your loving ways, including loving touch, facial expressions and soothing voices. They will care for her immediate and daily needs just as you would.
What you can do is have fun and relax. Spend your time and
attention on your husband who probably needs you even more now that your
attentions are divided between him and the child. It is certainly in your best
interest and your child's best interests to make sure your relationship as a
couple is strong, positive and loving.
If you leave your phone numbers, the family can call if anything happens. If you
decide to call them, do it rarely if at all!! (Remember the goal
of your excursion.) And don't ask to talk to the baby on the phone, which is
okay with preschoolers but would be confusing to a baby.
NOTE TO NEW PARENTS: One of the best “new” general books about the early years is called “The First Years” offered by DK Publishing with a forward by Rob Reiner, founder of I Am Your Child Foundation. DK Publishing, and the Foundation have combined the latest child development research and childcare guidance with the work of authors Joanne Go, Janet Pozmantier and Laurie Segal Robinson to create this comprehensive and beautifully illustrated book. The book emphasizes practical advice on the first 36 months of a child’s life, and gives clear information about ways early experiences affect children’s development and learning. The format provides tips on early challenges as well as resources for new parents without being overwhelming. Start with a general book like this one as an overview. Later, expand your reading to books about particular topics, like the series on each year of life by Louise B. Ames and Frances Ilg, or books from baby games to toilet training to travel tips by Vicki Lansky, or the books on communication and discipline by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. My own books and videos can be found on my web site www.askevelyn.com and on amazon.com
Six Year Old has Health Complaints
Or maybe she is watching too many
TV commercials and getting brainwashed into thinking that something has GOT to
be wrong with her. A multitude of commercials try to convince us of this. Try
watching the television commercials with her and explain that these commercials
are simply the way drug companies advertise and try to get people anxious enough
to buy their products.
At age six she’s old enough to have interests outside herself, plus friends to
pursue these interests with. You can see that complaining about her aches and
pains is only making her more self-absorbed. Observe her, talk with her, and
listen to discover her talents and interests. Then get her into just one sport
or Brownies or 4H or art classes or swimming…something she likes and in which
she will find new friends. She needs to have less time to think about her
possible problems and more time to do interesting things.
Peers become
more important during the years from 6-8. Try to have her friends
over, and play table games with them. Board games teach life skills like
cooperation, taking turns, persistence, strategy, and winning and losing
gracefully. They take the focus off of oneself and help both adults and children
relate on the same level as they enjoy each other.
If at all possible, get her involved with some simple type of volunteer work,
even if it's spending an hour a week doing helpful things or “TLC” at the Humane
Society. She needs to learn more about the world of others so that she will
stop focusing on herself. This way, maybe she will only tell you about real and
serious pains and not just every little thing.
Just one more important point. Perhaps you are already scheduling
her with many outside activities. Her complaining may be her only way to
express the fact that this is overwhelming. She may not know how to tell you
and doesn’t want to disappoint you. Six-year olds should only do one or two
extra things besides school, and only if they really love them.
The Help Out Habit
At preschool, children learn that helping out is expected and that all children help out every day. When children take these responsibilities it makes them feel they are important members of a group. This can happen at home too if young children know what’s expected and get praise for doing their jobs.
When your child grow ups she’ll be an adult member of many groups that engage in both work and play. We all have to work, follow rules, cooperate as team members, and help each other. If you start the “help out habit” when children are young, you are laying the foundation of these life skills and the work ethic. Remember that how perfectly children do their jobs is not as important as teaching them this important help out habit.
Point out that all our family members do simple things every day that are helpful to each other, just like at school. For example, when she gets dressed and undressed by herself or puts her dirty clothes in the hamper, or puts away her toys, she is helping the family group. Tell her she is growing up, and now she can do more helpful things. When everyone helps out there’s more time for family fun!
Give her some simple daily chores or jobs that are appropriate for her age Give clear, short, simple explanations of what to do. It is important that that you give her lots of praise for each task she completes. (When children get praise or gold stars on a calendar for what they do either at home or at school, they continue to do it.) Here are some ways she can help out at home.
Keep her own room and toys in order
Family Meals - Passing on Family Values
For example, families used to eat meals together, even if it was only supper or dinner each day. This was a time for talking about what each person’s day was like…talking over how they felt about what they did that day and who they did it with. Families also talked about their families and friends; they discussed what was going on in the workplace and the world and voiced opinions about these things. When parents talk to children (or each other with children present) about what is important to them, they are stating their values.
Eating at least one meal with my parents each day gave me some definite messages about what my folks believed was important, such as the work ethic, loyalty, friendship, a sense of humor, honesty and manners. They talked about books and articles, and often told funny stories about their day. And I also heard their views on political issues and the reasons they felt the way they did. Today, the opportunity for family dinner conversation, a primary way of passing on our family values, is being lost simply because we are not prioritizing family meals.
What a waste of opportunities to relate to each other face to face and listen and talk about what is meaningful in our lives. What a waste of opportunities to teach our children what we believe is important and why, without even trying, just by eating dinner together. Isn’t this more important to our children than having family members rush off to see a TV show, call someone, or do some extra office work? After all, we are only talking about an hour a day out of the 168 hours in a week.
Eating together and playing games together around the table are the best ways to do modeling and face-to-face communication that strengthens family bonds and passes on our values to children. TV, shopping, malls, movies, computers and videos are no substitute for conversations between parents and children. Make your New Year resolution to have family meals every night that it’s possible. Turn off the phone and TV, relax, talk and enjoy each other as people.
Getting Baby to Sleep
Stop worrying if your child fusses and cries. It is normal! And ALL of us
need to learn to go to sleep on our own...this is a natural human thing we all
must learn, not something we are born with. As adults we go to bed and get up
and go back to sleep. Your child will learn this too, but not if you keep
picking her up when she fusses and screams.
You say she "won’t stay in her crib.” Please. She is 3 months old and she
will stay in the crib if you leave her there and leave the room. It may
take a few nights for her to learn that she must relax and go to sleep but
she will learn this. Be patient. If she falls asleep and then wakes and
screams
leave her be...each time she does this she will take less and less time to go
back to sleep, and soon the problem will be solved.
Of course you must be sure she is safe; this means no pillows in the crib.
Also, be
VERY sure she is completely burped after her feeding. Air bubbles can cause
painful gas and colic. Colic is very common at this age, as your doctor should
have told you. Ask your doctor what you can do about colic just in case she has
it.
You need to take care of yourself so you can properly take care of her and
raise her. This cannot happen if you are tired and run down. So get your
rest and take care of yourself, the house, and your spouse if you have one.
Don't let your 3-month-old start controlling your life. This is not good for
you or for her. You are the one in charge...and you have to be, because young
children cannot and should not make decisions about their health, rest and
long-term best interest.
Your real friends and loved ones will care much more about relaxing conversation and laughter during time spent together than what your house and hors dorves look like. And do we really want to spend time with people who are critiquing our every move, our food and our decorations? Holidays are for joy and fond memories for both parents and children. Here are some tips.
When your children grow up they won’t remember your fancy meals or your perfectly clean house; they’ll remember the fun and love you shared
Holidays and Family Values
If you give children books, it shows that you value literacy and enjoy reading and hope children will enjoy it too. Books would be a great choice for any age child. Staff at the bookstore can help you find books that are age appropriate and fit the interests of your nieces and nephews. And libraries often pass out book lists arranged by ages and interests.
If you get some ideas from your library, you can even avoid the crowds and order online from a publisher or distributor. Also keep in mind the many good children’s magazines on the market that fit a multitude of talents and interests. You can browse for ideas in a book store and order magazines online to save time.
Art supplies such as clays, paper, crayons and markers and paints are a great choice and show that you value the children’s own creativity. For young children buy open ended media like supplies (not “kits”) that will promote the young child’s imagination and unique creations. Older children are also interested in creating and constructing, and are often able to enjoy and use model and craft kits.
An excellent choice for mixed ages is a family game or table games like Clue, Monopoly, and Jenga. Family games have stood the test of time and reflect the value of spending time together as a family. Quality time does not have to be elaborate or expensive. Playing games together is fun and inexpensive. More important, it builds strong family bonds, teaches educational skills and helps children practice life skills like honesty, cooperation, and persistence. What a great way to learn to be responsible for the choices you make! (You can order games online too; do a search or use Hasbro.com or amazon.com)
If you’re still stuck, go to The National Parenting Center’s home page at tnpc.com and click on the “Seal of Approval” pages. Here you’ll find products that have been tested by parents, experts and children and gift ideas arranged by both topic and age. I like the creative and science products best, (my values) but you will find books, learning toys, games, and computer software of all kinds on this site, along with critiques and comprehensive descriptions. Happy shopping!
You have done the most important thing already by seeing this as a priority and by planning to set aside a little time to do it. Gathering materials to make the gifts will take a little time, but will be well worth it. The other benefit is the rapport and fun you’ll have together as you spend time together making the gifts. This was always one of our own holiday traditions and has been passed on to our grandchildren. Here are a few ideas to get you started, but start NOW. You want it to be fun, not stressful.
Christmas placemats: Cut placemats from red or green burlap and pull a few threads on the sides to fringe them. Let the children use white glue and large multicolored sequins to decorate two of the corners of each place mat.
Match Boxes: Buy the big boxes of wooden matches; remove the matches from the boxes and replace them after the decorating is done. Cut felt pieces to glue on the tops and bottoms of the boxes and let children glue on sequins to decorate them.
Bake Cookies: Let kids help make your traditional cookies or use simple cookie recipes such as are often found on small boxes cake mix. (For example, a cup of peanut butter and two eggs can be added to yellow cake mix to make peanut butter cookies.) Freeze finished cookies until it’s time to giftwrap them.
“Paint Brush Cookies”: Slice simple sugar cookie dough rolls (buy the ready to bake dough) into circles and let children use egg yolk thinned with a few drops of water and food color as “paint” to decorate the cookies before they bake, using very small brushes or Q Tips. Amazing and fun!
“Candy Balls”: Sweeten a cup of peanut butter with some honey and add a little wheat germs and powdered milk so the kids can roll small balls of no bake candy. Shake in colored sugar or leave plain.
“Originals”: The most cherished gifts are often children’s poems, drawings, paintings, or their own dictated and illustrated stories. Put these on good paper, date them and cover with clear contact paper if you wish. They could also be matted or framed. Enjoy!
“Time Out” for a Two
When the child stops struggling and breathes normally and can listen to and understand the adult, the adult should briefly explain why that behavior was wrong and what behavior is desired. (It should only take 3-5 minutes) The adult should also ask if he/she is ready to go and play the right way, and then observe to see if the time out needs to be repeated. (If another child is in danger, get the offender’s full attention and act immediately and assertively!)
5-Year-Old’s Sleep Problem
Be sure she has a special toy or security object and a night light if necessary. Maintain a calm, reassuring and consistent bedtime routine. Also involve her in "big sister" planning for the baby. Some agencies and hospitals have classes for older siblings to help prepare them. Get some insight into her sleep problem by reading "Monsters Under the Bed" by Stephen and Marianne Garber and Robyn Spizman, about children's fears. Many 4-5 year olds have fears they never had when younger. Your library should have this book and others like it.
Should Teens Visit Each Other in Bedroom?
If you have been clear about what IS and is NOT permitted as far as sexual
relations, and if they both understand and agree with you, this is probably not
a problem. If you act as if you don’t trust them and they want to get into a
sexual relationship, they will find a way to do it anyway.
When parents have excellent communication with their teens about everything, this type of situation is usually not a problem. However,
do not discount those raging hormones!! Don't put them in a situation they
can’t handle. Don’t change the rules or let them be in a bedroom alone with the
door closed. That would give them tacit permission to do whatever they like.
One more thing...It sounds like your daughter’s bedroom, is more of a "parlor"
or living room than a bedroom. Why did this happen? Why not move the music and
books and TV to a den or living room? Or, is there a way to offer real seating
in that room instead of only offering the bed? Think about it.
Grandparents Raising Children Want Discipline Tips
A.M. in Nashville
On the other hand, if your children really need your help, or, if you are the
legal
guardians of the children, you’re in charge. In that case, you MUST go back to
the tried and true ways of raising children that you know and can remember if
you try. You’re NOT doing them any favors by spoiling them or by having no
rules for behavior, or no daily chores, or by letting them have what they want
whenever they want it. That’s not real life and you know it.
You need to teach them that they can wait for things they want. You need to
teach them that in the family that lives together, everyone helps out every day,
just because it's the right thing to do. You need to teach them that they can
do extra jobs to earn money for special things they want, because you are
providing the basic needs. They need to develop empathy and understanding that
we older persons need rest and praise and “thank you’s” just like they do.
Make some clear, basic rules with them and some clear consequences for any
misbehavior. Praise them for all the good things they do and for their
attention to chores. Praise them for being thoughtful of others and for using
good manners. Model good manners and cooperative behavior yourselves, but do
not let them take advantage of you. Don't be afraid to say no and explain why.
Help them to grow into the kinds of people you want to have as lifelong friends.
Look online for help and support. There’s a site called GrandsPlace.com for
grandparents in your situation. Start your new approach NOW; don't wait another
day. You will find more advice in my books and brochures at www.askevelyn.com
What Do Newborns Need?
Buy baby clothes that are a little bigger than newborn size; babies grow fast.
Also
concentrate on outfits that are easy to get on and off. A rule of thumb is to
dress the baby in the same amount of "layers" as you wear. They don't need to
be dressed much warmer than you are. A lightweight receiving blanket, however,
can keep the wind off a baby's face when you go outdoors. Remember that most
babies find hats annoying.
Most parents buy one piece pajamas for baby’s day and night wear. They open in
front so you place them underneath the baby and put in arms and legs easily.
They have built in "feet"; you don't need to worry about socks or shoes for a
long time. This type of outfit will work from the early days through the
crawling stage.
Make sure your baby has interesting things to look at and hear above the crib or
in the nursery. Try simple, bright colored mobiles, tiny wind chimes or a music
box that attaches to the crib. Pleasant music or the sounds of nature on tape
are nice too. Babies like rattles and safe things to reach for, grab and hold;
of course they will bring everything to their mouths.
Be sure to get a good infant seat and a safe car seat. You will use these
constantly to move the baby to other rooms of the house and to travel. When the
baby's eyes begin to have good focus, things to look at and touch are even more
important. Placing a safe mirror near the infant seat or crib will create
interest.
Most of all infants and toddlers need lots of love and cuddling. You will
stimulate their senses best with your own loving touch, your facial expression,
your voice, and the sounds you make in response to theirs. Don’t forget that
they need sun and fresh air and relaxed, safe bath times. Enjoy! And see www.askevelyn.com for my books and videos.
Terrified of School Shots
When children play that they are doctors and use pretend shots on dolls they feel more familiar with these situations. When they play, they are in control of the make-believe and this helps prepare them for real life situations. You can do this type of pretend play at home too, and it may help.
Get together some props or buy a play doctor kit. You can roll some gauze bandages, give him band aids or hair tape, and find some empty syringes. Sometimes you can get discarded xrays from a doctor’s or a dentist’s offices, too. A play stethoscope is helpful, as is a small briefcase and white or green clothing
Then just be honest and say you are going to visit the
doctor soon and that you think he would like to play pretend doctor and doctor
office before the trip. Play and pretend along with him and let him give you
pretend shots. In addition, go to the library or a book store and ask for help
finding a book about going to the doctor. You can even call ahead and ask them
to find and save one for you.
When the day arrives be sure he knows you are going and that you will stay with
him. If you need to do it, have the doctor give you a shot first, (like a real
flu shot or just a pretend shot) so you can show him that it’s very simple and
fast and doesn’t really hurt. Also try to find out the cause of his fear,
especially if he has not had shots before. Ask yourself if the fear comes from
something he’s heard or seen that he has blown out of proportion.
NOTE TO READERS If you are planning to have your children experience the real meaning of Christmas by making simple gifts for relatives or friends, start your projects this weekend so that you have time to enjoy the process with the kids and not be stressed out as we get closer to the holidays. Call it the “Saturday Christmas Club” and enjoy doing something special and meaningful together.
Aggressive 5 Year Old
Some children who have ADHD over react when another child touches them, even
when proximity makes the touch or bump very accidental. The ADHD child will
sometimes simply react aggressively in this situation without thinking. On the
other hand, is your child acting out to show that he is a big or important boy?
e.g., is his aggression based in a strong need to feel important, “best” or
“first”? Some children are extra competitive based on these needs. You did not
tell me that there were any siblings at home with whom he competes for
attention.
Do some observing and thinking about the possible reasons for his behavior,
which could even be based in a physical sensory/motor imbalance problem.
Consider a physical or tests regarding the sensory/motor realm. You might even
consider a neurological exam if you are getting nowhere with suggestions and
expectations about good behavior or praise for improvement.
Other than that, you need to find a reason...something that is meaningful to him
and that he really cares about...to motivate him to try harder to control
himself. What means most to him? If he likes to play with other children and
enjoys interacting with others, the best strategy might be to remove him from
any group or peer interaction the moment he STARTS to lose control. Have him
wait until he says he can handle himself properly before he is allowed to
reenter the play and praise him amply for his efforts in self control. Praise
him for all efforts to improve his behavior.
You also need to give him alternatives to the over reacting or aggression.
Explain some of the reasons children like their friends or respect them. Show
him some specific ways to let others know he likes them (asking questions,
giving compliments and helping others). It’s also very important to give him a
physical outlet that is focused or channeled. If he has no ADHD or other
physical problem, get him involved in hockey or swimming where he can vent his
energy appropriately.
If he likes going to school and wants to go to play with friends, you could talk
to him about what behavior is expected there and what will not be allowed.
Explain clearly that he won’t be allowed to go if he doesn’t follow the rules of
the group like the other children do. The teacher should do likewise, stating
her expectations clearly and positively, so he knows what the rules are. You
and she should also praise him for any and all improvements so that he has an
incentive to continue improving.
Make plans with the teacher to follow through and keep him at home a day if he misbehaves. Make sure she tells you any improvements so that you can praise him as well. Most good preschools provide training for staff concerning guidance and discipline, and there are many successfully proven strategies that can be used.
Please go to my website www.askevleyn.com Then go to the links and resources page. Click on Program Source International to find information on my new video training program for early childhood teachers, "Child Guidance and Classroom Management." You can also see this video training package on my site’s “Books and More” pages. Print out the page and show it to your child's teacher or program director. Training tapes like these will help the staff with challenging behaviors. The ideas in the videos can also be used by parents.
NOTE TO ABSENT DAD: Yes you should worry and also take action. Peers and friendships are very important to boys during these years before dating starts. He needs to be in a group of kids with like interests...Scouts, 4H, chess, swimming, whatever...and you should strongly encourage this to happen. He may not be as "happy" as you think if he keeps getting in trouble and has no friends. . Get him involved in something where he will make new friends and learn something. NO ONE will ever be as important a role model to him as you are, so keep that in mind and be a good one. A child can never have enough good role models, especially male ones, and there’s room for all good models in his life.
Fifth grader labeled Bad Boy
Q: Our son is a 5th grader at a small rural elementary school. This year
problems at school and home have mushroomed. He is overly critical of others and
crawls all over them when they drop a ball in football, but cannot accept
criticism himself. His grades are very good but I get weekly calls from school
about behaviors or not staying on task. And I see the same behaviors at home.
When he wants to do something or it's important to him, he will give 110%, but
otherwise he’s miserable to be around. At conferences the teachers and I agreed
that the school discipline program is not working. The teacher is willing to
try anything and so are we!! J. J. On line in TN
A: In a small school, when a child has a "label" all the kids and adults know it.
So when others EXPECT him to have uncooperative and impatient behaviors, he
knows it, and it’s probably the reason he won't try to change his behavior.
Usually when you expect the worst, kids give you the worst. When you expect
their best (and BELIEVE they really can do it) they do try to give their best.
As a fifth grader, he’s old enough to reason with, and he’s bright enough to
understand what life skills are. Explain specifically why this kind of behavior
(being uncooperative, impatient, negative and intolerant) will hurt him in the
future. Give examples. He needs to know that you are not really interested in
punishment but are concerned about his best long-term interest. And he needs to
know that you believe he CAN improve.
One life skill we need is to do things we have to do, even if we don't
particularly like them. Another is manners, and thinking first before we
speak. Talk to him about this and how his behavior affects others. You might
try keeping a log or diary of any improvements or also of incidents that COULD
be improved and discuss these on a weekly basis on a quiet evening or weekend.
Let him start keeping his own log, too so that he begins some self-evaluation.
So far, you and the teachers are using negative tactics. No positive
reinforcement or praise is mentioned in your letter. Look harder to find any
effort on his part, and praise him for it at school and at home. Praise or
reward him for every tiny effort or improvement in patience or cooperation. Any
rewards for improvement must be tied in with something that is meaningful and
important to him.
Another miracle-working strategy is peer reinforcement at school. When other
kids hear the teacher praise him for any and every small improvement, they’ll
stop expecting him to always be "bad." In addition, if the teacher asks some of
the other kids to help her observe and see and TELL any improvement they see, it
will rapidly diminish and eventually delete the "bad kid" label. When praise is
given by both the teacher and other students he’ll start behaving differently.
With this child and most others, praise works much better than labeling and
punishment.
A: All of us have experienced those strong feelings that sweep over us when we're angry with a child. So how do we keep from “losing it”? First, realize that we're not just angry about what the child is doing right now; we're also angry about all the other things the child has ever done, and all the things that we think the child will do in the future. These thoughts fuel the anger. We need to refocus on what the child is doing NOW.
Breathe!… and think about this:
Exactly what is my child doing that I don't like? Does this make me more
angry than other things he's done? Why? Just ten seconds of this kind of
refocusing will help you regain control. Then you can think about the
problem at hand and what to do about it.
(Some parents need to do something active and safe to blow off steam BEFORE they
think for those 10 seconds. If you are one of them, try leaving the room,
running in place, blowing a whistle, beating a newspaper on the floor or
splashing cold water on your face.)
Another thing… Without a bedtime routine in place, you are setting yourself up to lose your temper. You already know your child will test you at bedtime. So get organized to do some pre planning! ACT instead of Reacting to your child. Put a predictable routine in place and stick to it to end the power struggle. Your child needs a healthy night’s rest, and so do you.
Here's the routine
that most parents use successfully:
· Warn the child at least 15 min.
before its time to get ready for bed that it's time to put away the toys.
Give help or direction to see that this is done.
· Have the child wash and get ready for bed.
· Have a small snack and brush teeth.
· Put child in bed to and hear a story.
· Tuck the child in with a kiss and make it
very clear that “Now it’s bedtime and you will now stay in bed and go to
sleep.” (Security blankets, teddy bears, etc and night lights are ok)
· Stick to it! Don't go back to the room.
· Remember that the newest research says children today are not
being put to bed EARLY enough, which makes them overtired and, therefore, very
hyper. Preschoolers need about 11 –12 hours of sleep. Bedtime should be about 8pm.
· If adults need to eat early, so be it. Or eat appetizer and salad with the child and eat your entrée after the
child is in bed.
Baby Won’t Sleep
Through Night
Q: We
have a 3 month old boy who’s healthy and breastfed with formula supplements.
He usually takes about 6 oz. of formula before bedtime. He sleeps from
11:30 pm to about 4 or 5 am. Then my wife breastfeeds him, and he goes back to sleep. But he
wakes up again in an hour, crying. We’ve been going to his room and picking
him up to soothe him. He falls back asleep pretty easily, but only sleeps for another hour or
less. This pattern goes on repeatedly between 5am to 8 or 9.
How do we get him to sleep all night? My wife’s been reading many books, but finds lots of conflicting
information. Dad, Online in Murfreesboro
A: Keep
in mind is that he’s actually sleeping about 5 hours straight. Most
babies wake up every 3-4 hours. He’s on his way to sleeping all night,
but each baby has its own, unique timetable; it will take a month or two.
There are several things you might consider. If he’s breast fed at 4 or
5 am, he may not be burped enough times before he is put back down. A need to burp can wake him up. Another thing is that babies, just
like adults, need to learn how to put themselves back to sleep when they wake up
during the night. If the need for burping is not the problem, just try
letting him fuss for a while to see if he can learn to go back to sleep.
If he sleeps until at least 7am or 7:30, just get up with him,
and later, have him take a morning nap of an hour or so. (You or Mom could nap too.) As
he gets more active he’ll sleep longer. He
should have about 12 hours total a night, but you want to work on making his
bedtime go from about 8pm to 8am. Don’t
get into the habit of an 11pm bedtime! You
two need time alone in the evening.
If the doctor says it's ok, many babies have a slurpy mix of baby cereal and
formula from the bottle at about 3-4 months. If he has it at supper time,
it may keep him satisfied enough to sleep longer at night. Another thing
that often happens at about 3 months is colic. It doesn’t sound as if
your child has colic, but keep it in mind, and if you think the problem is
getting worse, ask your child's doctor about that possibility.
There's lots of conflicting information in books because children are all unique
and different in their development. What I have given you is advice based
on my experiences and those of many other parents. See more of my advice
in the archives of my columns at www.askevelyn.com
BACK
to SCHOOL
Q: Last
year I saved your column about ways to make it easier for children to adjust to
going back to school, or help prepare them for going to kindergarten, but I lost
it and my child is going to Kindergarten next week! I have mixed feelings of relief and panic. Could you please redo that column? I need ways to make this easier. H. C. Nashville
A: Stay
positive about the coming school experience. If you’re anxious, your child is likely to tune in on it and
"catch" your stress. You want him to be eager to learn and ready for
school, not worried. Here are more tips for parents of brand new school goers, as well as
parents of experienced schoolchildren.
To Retain or Not Retain
in Grade School
Q: I
know that there are many opinions as to whether or not to retain a child.
I’ve been told that it is detrimental to a child’s self esteem to be
retained. Others tell me it would be worse to be “last” in every way
if he goes to the next grade. I have been struggling with this for some time because I believe that I
know what is best for him and I believe he should be held back. Can you
tell me just how damaging it is to a child who is held back in third grade.
Is it something from which a child will never recover? I have to make the decision before school starts. A. G. Online in Nashville
A: This
is truly a tough decision, but I agree that you must make it based on
what YOU know about your child. There are no hard and fast rules on this
issue. It is a very individual issue and depends mostly on the child, the
next teacher he/she will have, and how parents handle the explanation and
transition to the new class. As parents who faced this decision two times ourselves,
we understand your dilemma. (One child skipped first grade; one child was
retained in second grade.)
Here are questions to ask yourself: Does your child have a positive attitude and does he "bounce back" from adversity? Do you think he just needs more time (and less pressure) to mature? Does he thrive on praise? Does he like sports? Will being one of the oldest and largest help him get into sports later? Will his friends remain true?
Here’s the bottom line. If your child will have an excellent teacher who uses positive reinforcement next year, that kind of treatment and ensuing success will be good for his self esteem, not detrimental. Can you try to find out who the teacher will be? It will make your decision easier. Also remember that children are usually more resilient than adults.
You might find two books on this issue very helpful. Check the
library and book stores for "Retention and Its Prevention" and
"Below Grade or Wrong Grade." By Jim Grant. Good luck.
NOTE TO L.L. Your child’s misbehavior is not the only problem. She’s six now; you’d better stop procrastinating! Your job is to teach your child responsibility, self discipline and manners. Start now or it will get worse. Have a family meeting to say you’re starting something new…family meetings, rules and contracting. Make a list of the most important "house rules" together. Plan consequences of misbehavior together. Plan meaningful rewards for improvement together. Write this all down and sign it. Stick to your contract. Be sure to model positive behavior yourselves, and praise her for any and all improvements. Also try to have weekly family fun events, like family game nights, to relieve stress and learn to enjoy each other.
MAKING FRIENDS
Q: My 10 year old child is lonely at school and has very few
friends. In Kindergarten and first
grade I tried to help him to find friends by inviting kids over and speaking to
their mums. Now I feel that I can't keep interfering anymore. I dread his
upcoming fall birthday; maybe no one will want to come.
A: First,
remember that not all children are “outgoing” and that’s ok. Some children prefer just a few close friends. Also, making friends is not a "natural" thing
children are born with. It is a learned skill. Find out if your son
really WANTS to have more friends. If
so, you’ll need to help him learn how to make new friends and keep the old. You can actually teach these “friend making” skills. Practice them at home in the family and with relatives until all the
strategies are comfortable for him..
Reasons for Changing Friendships
Q: I
have a problem with our neighbors and their children. My child has been crying, broken hearted, hearing the laughter from the
pool parties to which she’s not invited. The girl next door is nearly 12 and her brother is nearly 9. Our daughter is nine. These kids have actually been good friends for the past 6 years. The
neighbors have lots of money and their kids lack nothing. They have all the
toys…a big pool, ATV’s, small snowmobiles, etc. The
kids at the pool call my daughter names if she tries to come over there. We live
out of town and her former friendship with the kids next door was convenient and
fun. Now my daughter wants to have a party and not invite them. I don’t know
how to react because I’m so angry. What should I do? Anne Online in TN
A: There’s
nearly a 3 year difference in age between your child and the girl next door.
This wasn’t a big difference when they were younger friends, but now the older
girl is a preteen; she’s starting to think about boys and is getting into peer
groups, gossip and cliques, all of which is normal behavior for that age. Now the three years makes a huge difference!
Even though those last six years were pretty good and certainly
"convenient," it's time for your child to make some new friends or
expand on the friendships she already has. You’ll need to exert some time and
effort, but it will be worth it for your daughter to have other interests and
friends who have similar values to your own.
From what you say, the family next door appears to be pretty materialistic, and
the children seem to be lacking in common courtesy to their neighbors.
They don't seem to value old friendships much, either. Are these the kinds of friends you want your daughter to have? Her
remarks about a way to get even show that their behaviors are already starting
to have a negative influence on her.
This is a crucial time for your child to be getting a solid handle on your
values, and learn that there are more important things to life than pool parties
and material things. She also needs to learn how to make new friends and
have the confidence to do so. She needs to enjoy her other friends and do
things with them like playing board games, eating pizza they help to make, and
staying overnight.
What are your daughter’s interests, talents and hobbies? One of the many
kinds of 4H groups could be an ideal avenue for making new friends. Or try scouts, crafts, gymnastics or horse back riding. Also consider getting her involved in some volunteer experiences. These
would help her learn how great it feels to do things for others instead of
focusing on material possessions. Expand her horizons so she knows there's more
to life than what she sees over that fence
Safe Overnights for Young Girls
Q: Emma is our child’s best friend. They
met in preschool and now they are 9. Though Em’s mother and I are not close
friends, we get along well. We always chat whenever we pick up/drop off
the girls at our houses, which are about 3 miles apart. But Em’s parents
give her a lot more freedom than we give our child, and we are very cautious
about safety. We live in a suburb,
and Emma lives in a large mobile home park. She’s always been allowed to
traipse all over the park unsupervised. Recently
when our child spent a night at Em’s house, they were both allowed to run all
around the trailer park alone. Our child told Em’s mom that she wasn't
allowed to do this at home, but the parent said it was ok to follow their rules
at their home, just as Em does at our house.
A: It may be difficult to talk to the mother, but
you must stick to your values and your concern for your child's safety.
Start by telling her how much you value her friendship and how much you and your
daughter like her and her child. Then explain that you respect her rules for her child, and
surely she understands and respects your rules too. Say that even though
you want the girls to continue visiting and being friends, and that you welcome
her child to stay over anytime, you and your husband cannot allow your own
daughter to spend the night at the trailer park outside in a tent.
Then explain your reasoning. Tell her you are sure she was not aware of
this, but that you have checked the sex offender registry and that some
registered persons are living in the trailer park, which is why you and your
husband do not feel it’s safe for the girls to play out of the mom's sight or
to sleep outside. You hope she understands and that this won't interfere
with the children's friendship. Be pleasant but clear. Good luck with this
sensitive situation.
Q: My three and a half year old son gives me an awful time in the grocery; it’s really embarrassing. He has a tantrum if I don’t give him things he wants and screams his head off. I’ve tried ignoring and also tried giving him treats to keep him quiet, but that doesn’t work for long. Sometimes a friend and I take turns babysitting for each other on shopping days, but that doesn’t always work either. There must be a better way, please help. D. T. Online in Nashville
A: Keep trying to trade off baby sitting and grocery shopping if at all possible, and try not to go shopping when you or your child are really tired or hungry. A hungry, tired child will be even more demanding, and a tired parent is likely to give in to demands instead of using strategies to stop misbehavior.
Next, try contracting instead of bribery. When you take “goodies” along to give your child to “keep him quiet” you are probably giving him a treat AFTER he starts the tantrum. This means you are bribing him to stop misbehaving and you are rewarding the “bad” behavior. The way the child sees it is that if he misbehaves, he gets a treat. He will simply repeat the screaming tantrum to get another treat.
Contracting is like grandma’s rule to do the chores first and then have a cookie. Talk with your child before entering the store about the behavior you want. Explain that if he behaves and does NOT demand things or scream or have a tantrum, his good behavior will be rewarded after you are done shopping. You can decide together on the reward, whether it is a walk in the park or ice cream or another treat. Stick to your contract! If he starts misbehaving remind him only once of the contract you made together.
If he misbehaves, no reward; ignore him. If he does behave, he gets a reward.
Contracts reward the child for good behavior, and bribery rewards the child for bad behavior. Children repeat the behaviors for which that are rewarded.
Also involve your son in the shopping by having him learn
where the cereals are, or the fruits and the vegetables. Let him help pick out some of the foods on your list. Say things like, “Shall we get grapes, oranges or strawberries?” so
that you maintain some control of his choices.
Q: I’m raising my grandson and he’s doing pretty well in first grade, but his teacher says he seems unsure of himself and lacks confidence. He’s a wonderful kid and I’m sure I tell him several times a day that he’s wonderful or that he’s done a good job on his chores or homework. Does he need even more praise? Grandma Jean Online
A: Maybe he needs just a little different kind of praise than he’s getting. Sometimes “wonderful” and good job” do not tell a child enough about what you really think and feel. He needs to know exactly what you mean when you praise him. The old classic “Between Teacher and Child” by Dr. Haim Ginott explains the perils of general praise and explains the importance of descriptive praise
The words “You’re a good girl,” or “That’s a really nice picture” and “Good job” say very little that is really meaningful to a child, and often, after hearing these phrases repeatedly, children either doubt them or ignore them. To be meaningful, praise must describe and explain. We need to give children information about what we like or appreciate and why.
For example how would you like it if your spouse said every night after dinner, “Good job” and absolutely nothing else. What if after every single romantic evening he said “That was great!” What if people came to your special dinner party and said nothing but “Good job, Jean.” Wouldn’t you want to know what they liked and why they liked it, or if they noticed your special spices in the sauce? Children too, want to know more about what you like or notice.
Take time when you praise your grandson to describe and explain. “You are really working hard on that school assignment. You are really getting good at concentrating on your work, and that makes me really proud.” “Your room looks spanking clean. That shows me you took your time and did a careful job. Thanks. That makes me happy.”
Try to look for ways to praise him for just being himself…for being loveable regardless of achievements. But also praise him for being capable and competent. Children need to feel both loveable and capable. And of course, they will repeat behaviors for which they are praised!!
Remember, too, that your grandson loves your company but he also needs some good friends to do things with. Have him invite a friend or two over at least once a week. Try playing family games with the boys. Nothing beats snacks and family games and laughter to make everyone feel great.Q: Our oldest son is 10 and in 5th grade. He has really been testing us lately. He is become defiant. For example I ask him to get out of the car and he says no. I say we need to go now, get out of the car. "No". This past week he was arguing with his younger brother who is eight and hit him very hard with a wiffle ball bat. They have always had disagreements and they do become physical with each other, but this was too much. I usually try to see if they can work it out but sometimes I have to step in. Our family consists of me and my husband, the two older boys, and two preschoolers; a boy age 4 and a girl age 2. We have only spanked our boys a few times. Do I need to be concerned or is this part of pre-teen stuff? Lisa in Memphis
A: You
need to nip this behavior now, in the bud, before it gets worse. Yes it is
part of the pre teen drive for independence, but independence does not have to
include hurtful or aggressive behavior. Explain
that although you will let him make many choices that he can handle, some daily
choices are for the good of the family and his own good and only you as parents
have the right and responsibility to make those choices.
Try to discuss with your husband the possibility of having regular family
meetings once a week in which you discuss the rules of the house and rules for
behavior. You could do this after
you put the youngest one to bed. Keep
the list of rules at your first meeting short; choose what is most important. Let the kids help decide the wording and the consequences of breaking
rules, and the rewards for good behavior that helps the family. But you make the final decisions. Then write up the agreement and
have everyone sign it. At the end
of the meeting, have everyone share one good thing they saw someone doing that
is helpful to the family. (Lead the applause) After a week, review how it
worked out and modify the agreement if needed.
Be sure to look for ways to praise him, and although this might be hard at
first, keep looking. Praise is very
important in getting children of any age to repeat good behaviors. Try to
stay positive. Do something fun
with all the kids once a week, like a family game night for 1 1/2 hours playing
board games, having snacks and enjoying each other. (You could even do
this after the family meeting) Good Luck.
Potty Training Tips for
Young Boy
Q: We have a 31 month old son and a 1 yr old daughter. Our
son is resisting potty training and lately he’s been saying "James is a
baby" a lot. I know he's not quite ready to potty train, but he's
very verbal, so we explain what is expected of him and what the consequences
will be if he doesn't. For example, he has to clean himself up when he
dirties his underwear. He hates
sitting on the potty and whenever I say he’s big and needs to start using the
potty, he says "no." We keep the potty in the living room, where we
all play and read, but our son and daughter use it as a toy, putting other toys
in the base and drag or carry it around. Should
we put it back in the bathroom? We also have a child's potty seat to put
on the adult toilet, but it moves and jiggles too much, so we don’t use it. Can you give me any suggestions? S. G. Online in TN
A: I think your son is reacting and responding in a very normal way for his age.
One, he’s a little jealous of the baby and all the attention she gets,
especially now that she’s saying her first words and taking her first steps.
He thinks he'd like to be a baby again, too, (which may be why he says he's a
baby) and this may also slow down his interest in potty training. Try to
spend more "alone time" or quality time with him when the baby is napping.
Two, remember that he is only 3. Most boys are not fully potty trained until at
least age 3 and a half. His behavior is not surprising. Read Vicki
Lansky's book on "Toilet Training" which has been a classic for 20
years, is available in most bookstores and libraries, and is now available in
video. It deals with the physiology involved in potty training, and gives
practical details and hints about what to expect, say and do. Stop giving him long explanations about logical consequences at his age. Just say clearly what you do expect and praise him when he does it.
Three, would you like to have your potty in the living room where you all
play and read? Some children are more sensitive about privacy than others,
and perhaps your son is one of them. In addition, it’s important for our
children to learn about personal hygiene as well as the places in our homes
where it is appropriate to address those needs. Having the potty in the
living room (or using it in ways for which it is not intended) may be creative
but it is not good modeling. (And yes, the rather unstable potty on top of the
toilet is usually scary to children and not conducive to easy potty training. Get a good one.)
Save Headstart
Q: . I heard they're planning to dismantle Head Start (one of
the only government programs that WORK) and put it into the Dept. of Education,
letting each state (public school people) run it. What a disaster! Head Start
has been successful for 37 years, so if it "ain't broke" why
"fix" it? I also heard
that they want Head Start children to read before they are 5, which is totally
inappropriate for most 5's (I'm a teacher) and will cause frustration and damage
self esteem in most children, except for a few who learn to read on their own
anyway. I was in Head Start and
they did far more than teach me letters! I
was ready for school in every way, and eager to learn. Head Start also helped my mom get new skills and a good job, gave us health education, and taught us how to be involved with our
children's education. Parent
involvement is a key to children's success in school. Public schools never made me feel welcome as a parent. Making Head Start a public school type program is a mistake! What do you think? R.B.O. Memphis
A:
I agree. I often do
curriculum training for Head Start programs, and have written several books for
early education teachers. I often
work with other consultants to review Head Start programs to make sure they are
complying with the high standards of the Federal guidelines, which, by the way,
have influenced improvements in the quality of early education in every state!
I've worked with over 400 Head Start programs in 26 states,
and I've seen that Head Start, now within the Dept. of Health and Human
Services, IS working well, and is constantly improving its educational
standards. These programs run on no
frills budgets; they teach children comprehensive skills and strengthen
families. I fear that the Dept. of
Education and the states might damage Head Start, not improve it.
Research has proven that Head Start accomplishes its goals
and that the children it serves are less likely to drop out of school or need
special education and retention. Learn
more on the national Head Start web site, www.NHSA.org. Here are a few more facts:
* Head Start has enormous, long standing, and effective networking systems in every community to provide training to parents and staff and to serve children and families without duplication of services.
* Many qualified parents are hired as aides, cooks, secretaries and bus drivers. This gets them off welfare, provides a career path, and encourages further education.
* Each Head Start program serves special needs and handicapped children. It also does daily individualized teaching of educational and life skills to meet the needs of each and every child.
* Head Start's quality standards are consistent across the country; in the hands of each state, consistent standards are unlikely.
* Head Start's educational priorities are taken very seriously and include daily experiences in literacy, creative problem solving, math and science, as well as physical skills, social skills, ecology and anti bias. Children are prepared to be readers and life long learners through active hands on learning, not rote. If you want to keep it that way, write to Congress. Feel free to send them this column.
Q: I'm
a dad who travels a lot and am often gone weekdays. With the recent shuttle tragedy as well as 911, our young children (4 and
7) are even more anxious when I'm gone and have trouble sleeping. What can I do to help? Dad
Online in Memphis.
A:
Many
parents are in your situation and share your concern. One thing to remember is that being in control of your fears is a
reassuring feeling. When children
can put their fears into words and describe them in various ways to others, it
helps them to regain control. Your
children need to know that all their feelings are important to you and that it's
okay to feel afraid and talk about it.
Drawing or painting what's scary may help
your children, especially if they can talk about the creations. It's also a good thing to write down their words as they
describe their fears. Keeping a
daily journal is also helpful for older children and adults. Knowing that you have fears and hearing what you do about them will also
help your children. The more
familiar they become with their own feelings and the more they can talk about
them with you and receive your reassurance, the easier it will be to control the
fears.
Your children may also worry that when you
go away you won't come back. With
what is going on in today's world you will want to be especially aware of their
need for security. Let them know
where you are at all times. Send
email and call them when you're apart and give lots of attention and hugs when
you're together.
Tangible tokens of your love like family
photos that they can keep at home and school will help. A surprise balloon in their closet can help break the anxiety, just like
notes they might find in surprising places, or "lucky" stones that
each of you can carry or keep under your pillow.
This is Valentines Day, but for the children
of the astronauts who were lost there will be little joy or celebration. We should all remember how our lives can change in an instant.
This is why we should think of ways to show our love all year long
in those little ways that mean so much to children. Giving them Valentine candy or presents can never mean as much to them as
giving them your time and attention.
Children, even when they are grown, will remember the simple things you did together, like playing in the snow, watching the night sky, playing games together, baking cookies, telling stories and taking walks. It is in these moments…these small snatches of time… that strong relationships and memories that last forever are made. Kids will understand your love and reassurance better from what you do with them than the words you say.
Q: Our daughter is six and is a really good student
in terms of academic abilities. She
reads very well and is good at math. She
plays piano and is also in gymnastics. That said, she has trouble focusing. But maybe that is normal for a six year old. What should we expect from a just turned six year old? Worrying Dad in Nashville
A:
Most six year olds need time to do nothing. They need time to reflect and to process all the many new things they are
learning. They need time to relax, be spontaneous and have fun. They need “down time” to balance with “work” time. As adults we need these same things, but young children need it more,
just as they need more sleep than we do.
Your child also seems to be an achiever, and they are often
very hard on themselves. They often become perfectionists and workaholics and never
get the peaceful time they need to fully develop in all the other areas of their
lives. Trying to be best or to be
competent in many things means lots of pressure.
She is both playing piano and doing gymnastics, both of which
are difficult and structured. (My
husband is a pianist and believes that children should have fun experimenting
with the piano but should wait for formal lessons until about age eight.) Perhaps you should observe your daughter and evaluate her time to see how
much spontaneous fun is occurring in her week, versus structure.
Playing family games together would be good for her and all of
you. It’s relaxing, enjoyable,
makes you laugh together, and takes only a couple of hours a week. It also teaches many educational and important life skills without anyone
being aware of it. She’s only
six. This year and next are your best windows of opportunity for
her to know and enjoy you as people and form strong bonds with you that will
allow her to come to you with any problem in the future.
Try to have family game night or other family fun once a week, or let her have sleepovers with friends on weekends. More fun will reduce the pressure. My advice is to enjoy her more and worry less about her focus. She has lots of time to develop that, but in only a few years she will prefer having fun with friends instead of her parents.
Q: My
13 year old daughter is very shy. She has very few friends and seems to be
rejected or unnoticed by the majority of her peers. She is a very
pretty girl and is an "A" student. I feel strongly that her shyness is holding her back from participating
in things and reaching her full potential. However, when I try to talk to
her about her shyness she gets on the defensive and says I am criticizing her.
How can I help her to overcome her shyness, when she won't acknowledge that she
has a problem and doesn't seem to care? J.J. Online in Memphis
A:
Although your daughter may really want and need peer
relationships, she may only want a few REAL friends. If so, urging her to
be outgoing and have lots of friends is a losing battle. Instead, help her
find just one or two real friends with like interests. Get her involved in
something that fits her talents and interests, like an art class, gymnastics, a
swim club, a book club, or 4H or a chess club or a Drama club or Spanish
club...you know what I mean. You may even want to get her involved in some type
of volunteer work that she feels is meaningful, or an issue about which she
wants to be an advocate.
There she will find one or two people who are intelligent and who share
her interests and with whom she can form a close friendship. Our daughter
is 45 now and still has that one special friend (they met in swimming class) who
lives across the US but with whom she corresponds and visits. Neither of
these girls ever liked pettiness, gossip, or talking about boys and clothes.
Accept your daughter’s uniqueness and help her keep it while she finds
friends.
Q: We
have two boys, age 9 and 7. We’ve provided them with everything they need and
more. We’ve tried to instill the value of money. We don't buy them everything they want; they had to save
their own money to buy some things. They
get an allowance when they behave. But
they've still become spoiled and we don't know what to do about it. How can we "unspoil" them so that they will learn to appreciate
everything they've got? Susan Online in TN
A:
If
you carefully consider what you’ve done and not done and are completely honest
with yourselves, you may find that you should have made
them responsible for earning even more of the “goodies” they want. You may find that in spite of the fact that you believe in the work ethic
and delayed gratification, you may still have given your boys what they wanted
when they wanted it more often than was wise.
It’s up to parents to teach children life skills and values. Learning how to
earn and save for what you want and wait for it is a real world life skill your
kids will need. Keep trying to teach them this skill. Be firm and consistent and explain your reasons. Most importantly, teach them the difference between wants and needs. This will get more difficult in the future when peer pressure is greater,
so do as much as possible now.
About allowances. People who live under a roof together should help each other because it’s a privilege to be part of a family team. Responsibilities always go hand in hand with privileges. Cleaning up after ourselves regarding clothing, toys, and dishes doesn’t deserve a paycheck. We should be responsible for our own behavior because it’s the right thing to do. Children should be able to earn money, however, for doing “extra” or more difficult chores, like washing the car, cleaning the garage, weeding gardens or washing windows.
Get more ideas from
these books: "A Penny Saved" by Neale Godfrey (Simon & Schuster),
“Kids, Money and Values,” by Patricia S. Estes and Irving Barocas (Betterway
Books) and “Teaching Your Children Values” by Linda and Richard Eyre
(Fireside).
You can also do several other things to make sure your boys aren’t self
absorbed and self centered. Make sure to give them descriptive praise every
time they do something extra to help within your own family group, or
whenever they do something helpful for relatives and neighbors. Children learn your values and repeat these kinds of behaviors if they
get praise for them.
In addition, find a way for your family to do some volunteer work. Your kids
might be able to help serve the homeless meal once a month at church, or help
out at the humane society, or join a 4H or Scout group that does things to help
children see more of the world outside of themselves. This will help them
begin to understand the big picture of life, and learn to be less egocentric
Q: Our
12 year old son is a wonderful, intelligent young man! After a
successful year in 6th grade, his grades have plummeted in 7th. There’s no
learning disability; he can be an A or B student, but he is almost failing. The teachers agree he's a bright, well behaved boy who just refuses to do
the work! Arguments about grades and homework dominate our home life - We
need suggestions. Myrna and Joe Online
A:
Sudden
changes of this kind should be thoroughly checked out. First, make sure there is no physical problem. Consider getting him a complete physical to be sure his health is okay. Also consider the friends he is hanging out with. Have them over,
and get acquainted with them (and their parents if possible) just to make sure
it is not negative peer pressure of some kind.
Reflect on what you already know about your son. Maybe it’s time to find out more. Ask him about his long term goals. What are his interests? What are his talents? What kinds of
interests did he have in the past? Listen carefully and don’t interrupt
him. Then try to tie his talent or interest to his short term goals in school.
He needs to understand ways that the work he does now will make a difference
later in allowing him to reach a goal or pursue an interest.
I once had a letter from parents about a high school boy who was unmotivated,
but who wanted to be a pilot. The parents helped him find out about the
entrance requirements at the training school he wanted to attend. He found
that his grade point average was not high enough to attend that school, so they
did the math to find out what grades he would need in the next two years to
actually achieve the required point average. He buckled down and actually
reached his goal. The parents wrote to me later to tell me he got into the
training program he wanted.
Many students do not see how school work ties in to their future. Sometimes an alternative education program at the school can help, such
as in programs where students have jobs for a half day and regular school a half
day. They discover they can actually USE school work at their "real"
job. Your son needs both positive motivation and encouragement
Q: There's a 4 year old boy in my preschool classroom who gets excited as he speaks and sometimes repeats syllables or has trouble getting out words. This isn't stuttering, but I know it could develop into stuttering if adults do the wrong things. My staff and I are patient; we listen carefully and don't say words for him or finish his sentences or say "slow down." His mother, however, who volunteers in our room, does all these things, and it's making her son feel even more nervous about his speech. How can I help this mom understand that she's making matters worse? M.T. Nashville
A:
You
and the staff are doing the right things and providing good modeling that will
help the mom after she understands more about stuttering and its causes. Reassure
her when you talk to her. Explain
that concerns about speech can sometimes be unhelpful, even when parents mean
well and want the best for the child. Lots
of parents become so anxious about a child's speech that they actually do
exactly the things that make matters worse. Share
the following information with her.
In a recent survey The National Stuttering Foundation found
that nearly 90% of parents with children who were beginning to stutter
occasionally said to "slow down and relax." This made children feel
they were doing something wrong, which increased both their nervousness and
their stuttering. 33% of those
surveyed said they corrected their children's words and finished their sentences
for them, not realizing that this made matters worse.
Children who are potential stutterers are very sensitive to
adult impatience and frustration; it makes them feel like failures. Their
concerns to "do it right" create uptight feelings that are
"roadblocks" in their ability to express their thoughts through
speech. Patient, attentive listening is crucial in helping children get past
these road blocks. Paying attention (a form of praise and reinforcement) to what
the child is thinking and saying instead of the way he is saying it is
vital. Adults should talk slowly,
modeling calm, relaxed conversation.
Help this mom by going to www.stutteringhelp.org to read and print out helpful information. Tell her to try to stop worrying and use the free resources from the web site. Free videos are available that you can show at parent meetings, as well as brochures for teachers and parents, like "If You Think Your Child Is Stuttering: 7 Ways to Help." Parents can receive this brochure free by calling 800-992-9392. You should also know that 5,500 libraries keep Stuttering Foundation videos and books on hand.
Q: We have 18 month old twin girls. They know how to use a spoon and fork but
would rather hold it in one hand while using their other hand to scoop up the
food. When they do use their utensils we give them lots of praise. They dump
food off their plates at every meal and want to just play with the plates. Cups,
they mostly just want to shake and dump. Is this normal behavior at this
age or should I be able to expect them to eat without dumping everything? If
by this age they should be eating in a more civilized manner, please give me
some tips on how to make that happen.
A: What your twins are doing is fairly common. It's the way most toddlers handle food and utensils at this point.
Please don't expect too much of them; they don't have the eye hand coordination
yet to handle forks and spoons safely and well. Instead, let them have a
variety of nutritious finger foods (small pieces of cheese, fruit, dry cereal,
soft meat or cooked vegetables) so they can gain the practice in the eye hand
coordination that they need. Put only a small amount of finger food on the tray at one
time.
Spoons for oatmeal (instead of dry cereal)
may work for them some of the time, but don't worry about them spilling some of
it or giving up. Letting them have dry cereal and sippy cups for the milk
that goes with the cereal works, too, at this age. If they want to dump the sippy cup, don't give them any milk until they
are done with the cereal and are thirsty.
You may find it helpful to go online to see
what to expect from this age group. You
could also read the inexpensive, classic books by Francis Ilg and Louise Bates
Ames about what to expect from your one year old, your two year old and so on up
to age 8. These can be found in libraries, good book stores, and at
amazon.com. If you know what is normal for the age range, you won't be
unnecessarily over anxious.
Focus on the abilities they do have and
praise them for those abilities. Continue
to encourage self help in dressing and undressing, even though that is a skill
they are just beginning to learn and won't be mastered until the next year of
two. Continue to model good eating habits, but don't worry too much about their
unusual methods at this point.
Make the meal time relaxed, calm and as pleasant at possible and enjoy conversations with others at the table. Your toddlers need to see the meal time as a social event between family members, which it really is. Save your energy to prepare for the bigger power struggles you will encounter in their second year.
Q: My husband and I
occasionally use profanity in front of our children but we're trying to stop. Our 13-year-old daughter, however, swears openly, freely, and a LOT. When she swears our consequences are consistent. (no computer, tv, phone,
etc.). She says that if it's okay
for my husband and I to swear then so can she. I tell her that I can also
legally smoke, drive a car and vote, but that doesn't mean she can. Am I expecting too much? What kind of discipline would work? A.L. Memphis
A: No, you're not expecting too much by wanting her to stop using foul
language, especially at her age. But
it would be easier for you to change that behavior if you take away her excuse,
and stop swearing yourselves, even though it's difficult. Kids learn most from our modeling.
Your point that she's not "of age" is weak
because you really don't want profanity to be part of her life long behavior and
are even trying to stop swearing yourselves. You know how easy it is for profanity to pop out and mess things up and
you also know that the longer the habit continues the harder it will be to
break. So be creative and try some
different techniques; you have nothing to lose and it can't hurt to try. Try a combination of meaningful rewards, diffusing the source of her
behavior, and good modeling.
Rewards: Children
change bad behaviors quicker when they are rewarded for improvements. Work together to make a log of the times she most frequently "loses
it" and swears, and plan a reward if she can keep from swearing during
those times. Make this into a
"contract" for getting the behavior you want to actually happen. When she exercises self discipline, she gets a reward.
It might be to earn back the things you have taken away, or
money for her savings account; it could be a special event with friends for
which she needs to earn a number of points. Decide on a meaningful reward together; write up and sign the contract. Try it for a week and then discuss any changes that should be made. As she improves, make the contract time related; tie a reward into each
day with no swearing.
Diffusing the Source: Have her friends over to the house at least once a week, and casually
make it clear that in your house, no profanity is acceptable. Have fun playing board games, eating snacks, baking cookies, etc. so her
friends will want to visit. Your
daughter is now experiencing peer pressure to swear; this strategy may diffuse the pressure and make it
easier for her to improve.
Q: How do you keep a 6 year old in her bed at night? My daughter wakes during the night and comes into our bed. Otherwise my wife has to go into her bed. It is quite disruptive and my wife is exhausted. We have tried a few things, like gold stars, but nothing works. Any suggestions? J.D. Online in Nashville
A:
Many
parents have this problem, mostly because they didn't set up a consistent
bedtime routine when the child was a toddler. Setting up a predictable routine,
(making it a pattern or habit) and sticking to it makes going to bed and staying
in bed easy. Let me clarify for anyone who reads this that this is NOT a
"family bed" issue, because you clearly want the child to stay in her
own bed, and your wife in yours.
Since your child is six, you can explain that this behavior must stop.
Tell her you need your sleep because you both work hard all day. Children and parents need 8 or more hours of sleep at night to stay
healthy and happy. Her interruption is making you all lose sleep, which
will increase the possibilities of catching colds or flu, or be cross with each
other. Having a good night's sleep makes you feel good and be happier.
Being happier helps all of you get along better.
After you explain the reasons that the behavior must stop, ask her to help you
think of ways she can keep herself in her own bed. Tell her that each and
every person has to learn how to go to sleep on their own, and go BACK to sleep
when we wake up in the night. Some
children learn how to go back to sleep when they are babies and others learn it
later, but we all learn it. Some
children need to sleep with a special stuffed toy or doll, or have a night
light, or sleep with a pet. Some even have to listen to the sounds of
music or nature.
Discuss the possibilities and see what she wants to try, but tell her that that
if she wakes, NOT to come wake you up. Instead she should try one of her
methods and tell you in the morning if it helped her go back to sleep. If
it did, put a star on the calendar. After
a complete week of stars, she could have a reward you decide on together.
Another tip: Be sure her bedtime and the routine she follows before bed is consistent each night, and don't allow her to drink soda or large amounts of fluid before bed. If the first things you try together don't work, you can try something else...but don't go back to the habit you are creating by letting her wake you up each night.
Q: I have a step daughter who is almost 7. She
sleeps with a special blanket and pillow at
both houses. Her father and I don't have a problem with it, except we
think her mother is escalating the attachment by stressing that the daughter
can't go to sleep without them. She
also sleeps with her mother sometimes. What do you think about this? Lori
On Line
A: Many children continue needing a "security object" during the
early school
years, but as they start relating to other children and having friends over and
going to friend's homes overnight, they usually give up these objects or change
them to a stuffed animal of some kinds. Read her the book "Ira Sleeps
Over," and suggest that her mom read it as well.
You can't do much about what happens in the other home. The family bed is
a
controversial and value-laden issue among many parents. Personally, I
think it's best to have one's very own space to sleep and to also enjoy
sleepovers with other kids. Maybe you can encourage her to have friends
overnight at your own home, and this may help her start the process of changing
her security object and/or sleep space at the other home.
Q: I live in Zurich, Germany and have a 21 month old son who is very active. He's well behaved at home, but I am finding it very difficult to handle him outside. He gets off the stroller and wants to run around. He has no sense of safety. I have tried telling him patiently, but he doesn't listen. I am panting and sweating by the time we move from Place A to B. Today I even resorted to spanking as I could not handle him trying to get out of his stroller in the middle of a road. Please advice as to whether I should get him a harness or make him stay in the stroller with some periods of walking around? I feel incapable as a parent. I don't want to sit at home all the time, and I'm afraid that I'll start resenting him if I have to restrict all my movements. I was a high flying career woman before this, but it was very much a planned pregnancy and I love my son! It's just that I'm feeling so overwhelmed. Is this a disciplinary issue or is it a very normal phase which he will outgrow? VeeJee Online in Zurich
A:
Your
son's behavior is normal for a 21 month old, but he seems to be very, very
active. I would use the combination of a harness for safe walking as well
as the stroller with a seat belt. You
need to save your sanity and not get worn out, so make it clear to him that
climbing out or running around is NOT approved behavior. If he knows that he cannot go out with you unless he behaves,
he will probably try harder.
Your son, however, is not mature enough to listen or understand explanations
about safety. Adult explanations
are usually far to abstract for children of 1-3, who are, at these ages,
learning only through concrete experiences, their senses and your modeling.
The fewer words you use the better at this age.
Examples: "No. You cannot do this. No. No running.
We are outside, so you must stay in the stroller. You must stay close to
me."
This strategy will keep him safe and let him know that there are rules and
limits and that you (not he) are in charge and you set those limits. This
will also (even if he fights it for a time) make him feel more secure;
children this age need consistent routines, rituals and predictable limits.
If they don't have them, their behavior often gets more hectic and chaotic.
Try these strategies so that you start to set habits and patterns in place that
are in his (and your) best interest.
If he is not responding to your consistent and structured approach over the next
few months, perhaps you need to get him a thorough physical to see if there is a
problem like ADHD, for which he could receive treatment. Just don't jump to that conclusion without trying other methods first.
Q: Regarding your column of Nov.22 about the 2 and 7 year olds. Having raised 4 girls,
I second your opinion about what the 7 and 2 1/2 year old needed. We went through that same kind of thing in our family with our daughter's
nearly 4 year old and their 1 year old. Being a grandparent, I spoke up,
and my daughter started doing what you advised about ignoring tantrums and
giving attention where it was needed. The other grandmother and I also
started giving more attention to the older child. I always made a point of
greeting and hugging her first, then asking her who that little boy is.
"Oh, that's my little brother," she would say, proudly. Then I'd
ask her if she thought it would be okay to give him a hug. That is all it took
for a week or so and then she was fine, no more grouching and sulking.
As for the little
one in your column that was throwing temper fits. I went through that with my
toddlers, too, like most of us. They
were just doing what two's do. When they did that, I went down in the
floor with them, kicked, screamed and made faces too. That surprised them
and they hushed almost instantly and went about their playing. Not very
dignified for an adult, I admit, but I even enjoyed it and still do it with
my grandkids occasionally. They say I'm a silly grandma. Oh well, whatever
works. Keep up your good work. Grandma in Arkansas, enjoying
your columns.
A: Thanks! It's great to know I am helping someone. I can certainly relate to what you did about tantrums. When our two preschoolers, a year apart, would fight, sometimes I'd grab a colander or a pot and put it on my head and would sit up on the kitchen counter and stare at them. It stopped the fight dead...and we could talk about the problem after we quit laughing.
Parents need to remember that humor and laughter are great tools for diffusing negative energy. Humor and laughter not only relieve stress but they truly help create memories and bonds between parents and kids. Perhaps one of our New Year Resolutions should be to take the time to stop and enjoy spontaneous moments of fun in our interactions with children. All too often most of our conversations with our kids sound like lecturing or "taking care of business." Let's do more listening and less talking AT them this year, and let's remember that a sense of humor can be a valuable embellishment to our parent roles.
For more creative ideas about parenting young children, see my books "Growing Creative Kids" and "Growing Responsible Kids" (McGraw-Hill, $11) on my web site www.askevelyn.com You can order them online or with a phone call.
Q: It seems there is more Christmas stress this year than ever. We have two preschoolers, I'm not done shopping, and we will have lots of family company soon. I feel overwhelmed. Any tips? M.J. Online in Nashville
A:
If
you have preschoolers, (even if you don't) and want to have a perfectly clean
house, perfect decorations, perfect meals, perfect gifts and perfectly behaved
children you are setting yourself up for disaster. Having unrealistic expectations is probably what is causing
the stress. Stop!
Step back and remember what you loved about Christmas as a
child. The fun of being together is
what's most important. When the
kids grow up they won't remember your clean house and perfect meals and
decorations. They'll remember the
fun and love you shared together. They
will remember playing games with you and the company, and enjoying candlelight
and music. Remember that your
relatives and friends are coming to see and enjoy being with you, they aren't
going to evaluate you or compare you with Martha.
* Look at the days you have left and make some practical adjustments and realistic goals. Cut down that list. Buy some of your cookies at a bake sale instead of making them. Get your spouse involved in the shopping and the gift wrapping.
* Let the children know ahead when company's coming. Before the event, clarify your expectations with a few simple rules. You can even practice by acting out what to do at a special dinner ahead of time.
* Keep it simple, whether it's meals, decorations or gifts. Remember some of the best gifts for kids are the simplest…like their very own tablets of colored paper and new crayons, play dough you make yourself, their own safe scissors and tape, their own small squeeze flashlights, stickers, masking tape, glue, rubber stamps and ink pads, and maybe even a gold fish or a magnifying glass. These simple gifts (like good children's books) nurture creativity and thinking skills and have lasting power, not battery power.
* Find your sense of humor; it's the greatest stress reliever in the world. When we see some of the inevitable holiday problems as funny, it helps take the edge off.
Reactivate your funny bone with these excerpts from
"Yes Virginia You Can Survive the Holidays" by Kathy Peel and Judie
Byrd in a 1991 Family Focus magazine.
* The time it takes to find a parking space is inversely proportional to time spent shopping. And the other line always moves faster.
* Interchangeable parts won't be. Unassembled gifts will have twice as many screws as you expect and some parts will be left over.
* When a broken toy is demonstrated to the store return clerk it will work perfectly.
* Amnesia strikes all family members when the scissors and tape cannot be found.
* The more expensive a gift, the better your chances are of dropping it.
* Children have built in detection devices to find gifts you've cleverly hidden.
Q: Regarding your column of Nov.22 about the 2 and 7 year olds. Having raised 4 girls, I second your opinion about what the 7 and 2 1/2 year old needed. We went through that same kind of thing in our family with our daughter's nearly 4 year old and their 1 year old. Being a grandparent, I spoke up, and my daughter started doing what you advised about ignoring tantrums and giving attention where it was needed. The other grandmother and I also started giving more attention to the older child. I always made a point of greeting and hugging her first, then asking her who that little boy is. "Oh, that's my little brother," she would say, proudly. Then I'd ask her if she thought it would be okay to give him a hug. That is all it took for a week or so and then she was fine, no more grouching and sulking.
A: As for the little one in your column that was throwing temper fits. I went through that with my toddlers, too, like most of us. They were just doing what two's do. When they did that, I went down in the floor with them, kicked, screamed and made faces too. That surprised them and they hushed almost instantly and went about their playing. Not very dignified for an adult, I admit, but I even enjoyed it and still do it with my grandkids occasionally. They say I'm a silly grandma. Oh well, whatever works. Keep up your good work. Grandma in Arkansas, enjoying your columns.
Q: Thanks! It's great to know I am helping someone. I can certainly relate to what you did about tantrums. When our two preschoolers, a year apart, would fight, sometimes I'd grab a colander or a pot and put it on my head and would sit up on the kitchen counter and stare at them. It stopped the fight dead...and we could talk about the problem after we quit laughing.
A: Parents need to remember that humor and laughter are great tools for diffusing negative energy. Humor and laughter not only relieve stress but they truly help create memories and bonds between parents and kids. Perhaps one of our New Year Resolutions should be to take the time to stop and enjoy spontaneous moments of fun in our interactions with children. All too often most of our conversations with our kids sound like lecturing or "taking care of business." Let's do more listening and less talking AT them this year, and let's remember that a sense of humor can be a valuable embellishment to our parent roles.
For more creative ideas about parenting young children, see my books "Growing Creative Kids" and "Growing Responsible Kids" (McGraw-Hill, $11) on my web site www.askevelyn.com You can order them online or with a phone call.
Q: There's a 4 year old boy in my preschool classroom who gets excited as he speaks and sometimes repeats syllables or has trouble getting out words. This isn't stuttering, but I know it could develop into stuttering if adults do the wrong things. My staff and I are patient; we listen carefully and don't say words for him or finish his sentences or say "slow down." His mother, however, who volunteers in our room, does all these things, and it's making her son feel even more nervous about his speech. How can I help this mom understand that she's making matters worse? M.T. Nashville
A:
You
and the staff are doing the right things and providing good modeling that will
help the mom after she understands more about stuttering and its causes. Reassure
her when you talk to her. Explain
that concerns about speech can sometimes be unhelpful, even when parents mean
well and want the best for the child. Lots
of parents become so anxious about a child's speech that they actually do
exactly the things that make matters worse. Share
the following information with her.
In a recent survey The National Stuttering
Foundation found that nearly 90% of parents with children who were beginning to
stutter occasionally said to "slow down and relax." This made children
feel they were doing something wrong, which increased both their nervousness and
their stuttering. 33% of those
surveyed said they corrected their children's words and finished their sentences
for them, not realizing that this made matters worse.
Children who are potential stutterers are
very sensitive to adult impatience and frustration; it makes them feel like
failures. Their concerns to
"do it right" create uptight feelings that are "roadblocks"
in their ability to express their thoughts through speech. Patient, attentive
listening is crucial in helping children get past these road blocks. Paying attention (a form of praise and reinforcement) to what
the child is thinking and saying instead of the way he is saying it is
vital. Adults should talk slowly,
modeling calm, relaxed conversation.
Help this mom by going to www.stutteringhelp.org to read and print out helpful information. Tell her to try to stop worrying and use the free resources from the web site. Free videos are available that you can show at parent meetings, as well as brochures for teachers and parents, like "If You Think Your Child Is Stuttering: 7 Ways to Help." Parents can receive this brochure free by calling 800-992-9392. You should also know that 5,500 libraries keep Stuttering Foundation videos and books on hand.
Q: My 7 yr old's father is not her biological dad, and she is asking questions about things like who she looks like and why she has blue eyes. When is a good time to tell her the truth and how? Her biological dad wants nothing to do with her (we don't communicate) and he hasn't seen her for 3yrs. She may be angry about him now and I don't know what to do. K.P. Online in Arkansas
A:
Since
she is showing an interest now, the best time to talk about this is NOW.
You need to reassure her that it's okay to talk about her feelings and about her
dad. Keeping questions and what she is feeling bottled up inside is
causing anger and some confusion. This is not good for her or for your
relationship.
If you want an ongoing, open relationship with your daughter that continues over
the years, she needs to feel that she can talk to you about anything, and you
need to be there for her to listen whenever she needs you. Take time to talk
with her as soon as possible and make sure you do it in a setting that's relaxed
and uninterrupted.
Tell her you feel that she wants to talk about her dad, and that it's okay.
Let go of your own feelings of anger and old hurts and really listen to her.
She actually knows the answer to why she has blue eyes, but you could show her
some pictures of your relatives on her biological dad's side. Just say we
inherit our eye and hair color just as do all humans and other mammals.
Even flowers and vegetables inherit traits from the mother plants that produced
them.
You'll respond appropriately if you listen to her feelings behind the words.
Reassure her that her father and you did care for each other once, and that some
of your memories are good ones. Even
if these are few, we should cherish good memories because they are a part of us.
And emphasize that the best thing about that former relationship was that it
gave you your daughter. She needs to know that you do not regret this (she
may be worried about it) and that you love her very much. If she wants to know why he chooses not to see her, say he wants to have
a new life now without you; that's his loss, not yours, and you have your own
new family, too.
Don’t be surprised if she has other questions besides those about her dad!
After all, some of her own friends may not live with one of their biological
parents...it's not unusual. At age seven, however, she may be wondering
about her own birth. Be sure you're prepared to answer her questions about
how babies are made if the conversation leads there. See www.PTA.org for their excellent brochure on talking with children about sex, or check your
doctor's office, your book store or library for resources. Answer questions honestly and keep it simple.
Q: We have children ages 3, 8 and 10. You often talk about playing games together, but if we start having a family game night once a week, (starting this vacation week) how can all the kids participate? Also, shouldn't we have more variety? Like instead of playing games, go to the pool and swim together or do something active? M.F. in Nashville
A:
I
think it's great for families to do other things they are interested in besides
playing family games… like picnics, walks, going camping, ice or roller
skating, or even volunteering by cooking for the homeless once a month. All those things are important for family life, but I firmly believe they
should not replace the family ritual of playing games together once a week. Here's why.
We always find time for things we want to do. But we need to step back and think about what children and family members
need most. Our society is far too
hyper about going and doing and spending money instead of spending time with
each other. We need to have more
plain, old, simple, (and free) quiet relaxing time together instead of rushing
here and there, not even relating to each other. And we need to relate and interact, not just as parents and children, but
as people and friends.
When family members sit around a table together and listen,
talk, laugh, and have fun, they are bonding in a special way that doesn't happen
during most other activities. When
family games are played together, the "playing field" is leveled by
having all family members engage in a single activity, one that creates
opportunities for spontaneous conversation, interactions and humor. Preteens and teens have often told me that playing games together helps
them see their parents in a new way and makes them feel more comfortable in
talking to them about issues and concerns. If a simple, relaxing and enjoyable activity that only takes 2 hours out
of a 148 hour week will do that, I think it's worth far more than spending time
doing complex things that cost money.
As to your other question, table games can easily be modified with time limits, simpler rules, and by using only the largest denominations of play money. Or, a three year old can sit on an adult's lap to play games like Monopoly or Clue, and the "mentor" can help with the strategy, reading and writing. I've also seen family members, ages 3 to 84 play and enjoy games like Jenga, played with a tower of wooden blocks. And the new games for threes this year can be enjoyed by all ages, even if you want to play more advanced games after the three year old tires and goes to bed. All of these have wonderful game pieces and electronic music and responses that your older kids will like as much as the youngest. Look for "Wheels on the Bus," "Wee Little Piggies," "Bingo" and "Old MacDonald." Favorite songs as well as games!
Q: My child is going to Kindergarten next week. Part of me says "At last" and part of me wants to cry. What can I do to make this easier for my son and myself? S.B. Memphis
A:
As
a parent, I know just how you feel. It's
most important for you to stay positive about the coming school experience. If you are tense or anxious, your child may tune in on it and
"catch" your stress. You want your child to be eager to learn and
ready for school, not worried. Here
are tips that are helpful for any child and for all parents of school age
children.
Morning
Dawdler
Q. I
have a 9 year old daughter, an only child, and I'm a single mom. Every morning is a battle, and it is an awful way to start a day. But my daughter has no sense of time and doesn't understand the words
"It's time to go." I wake
her at 7 am but she doesn't get out of bed until 7:45. We have to leave at 8:15 for school. I have tried explaining how important it is to be on time, and have asked
her in the car on our way to school for ideas on what she can do to help us save
time. She gave me her answer as she
was putting on her shoes and socks, as usual. "Get up when you tell me to, eat breakfast without taking, and don't
turn on the TV." She's always
been a dawdler and it's so frustrating! What
can I do? P.A. Sacramento CA
A. Obviously
your child does know some things that would help, but these things aren't
happening. Why? Could it be because you are not making sure she does them? What are you doing in the 45 minutes from the time you tell her to get up
and the time she actually gets up? Don't
just toss her a "Wake up now" and go get a shower. You need to stand right there until you're sure she IS up and
moving. Making sure she is getting
dressed at 7 am will be the biggest help to her and to yourself. It will also start off your day in a more relaxed and pleasant way.
Here are some other things you can do:
· Stop labeling her as a dawdler or person who doesn't know the
meaning of time. You expect her to
dawdle. If you expect her worst in
the morning routine, you'll get it. Expect
her best instead.
· Get her her own simple alarm clock and teach her to set and use
it. Make it her very own
responsibility to get up when it rings. Praise
her every day for getting up with her alarm.
· If there's a TV in her room, remove it. Don't turn on any TV unless it's in the kitchen and you need the weather
or school bus report while you eat breakfast together.
· Have her lay out the things she needs for school the next day,
including her clothes, the night before. She could also set the table for breakfast the night before,
or make her lunch, if she carries one.
The
Net and Kids and Critical Thinking
Q. Our
kids are 6 and 8 and so far we use the PC and Net together; we don't let the
kids go solo. We also often watch TV or videos together as a family. What we want are some ideas to help us teach our kids critical thinking
as we do these things. Can you help? B.J. Philadelphia
A. You
are wise parents who know that critical thinking will help your children make
better and safer choices in both the real and the virtual world. You know that the information your kids will access in their daily lives
comes from many sources and is varied in quality; some is good and some is
worthless. Evaluating this
information, and comparing and checking the sources is great practice in
critical thinking.
In the book that my daughter and I wrote together, "Sams
Teach Yourself e-Parenting Today" (see Amazon.com or askevelyn.com) we
emphasize ways to teach critical thinking and other life skills by blending
daily life experiences with online activities. Here are some of our ideas.
Notice how often you do comparing, evaluating and critical
thinking when you make everyday choices. Usually
we go through these mental processes silently, but kids would really profit if
we would share these thoughts with
them. Try sharing your critical
thinking out loud with your kids to tell them why you made a particular choice. Then get them to help do the comparing, evaluating and choosing.
Use the TV to help teach critical thinking:
· During commercial breaks, get kids to think about, question, and
talk about what they're viewing. (Use
this same technique when you use the internet!!)
· Critique TV shows with your own rating scale. What shows degrade women or a particular group? Which ones try to portray meanness as funny? Which contain aggression, or conversations that make no sense?
· Ask kids who are the winners and losers in the show, or how a
story could have ended differently. Ask
them how the show treats children, and what makes a kids' show relaxing or
hyper.
· Notice and discuss the kinds of ads that appear on sport shows,
compared to sitcoms. Find out how
many real minutes are in a 30 minute sitcom.
· Find and discuss illusions. Turn off the volume so you can't hear the laugh track, and
see if the show is still funny. See
what shows portray outrageous behavior as "normal."
· Show kids how to contact sponsors of shows through phone numbers
on their products, and write stations and sponsors with your opinions on both
good and bad shows.
Intelligent
6 year old has bad attitude
Q. Our
6 year old daughter, an only child, has a negative attitude towards most people. Although she's academically gifted, she doesn't understand that being
pleasant and positive is important. She's pretty but she's not liked much because she's not gracious or
polite. She has a few friends, mostly younger than she. When I have tried to talk about this she just sneers or shrugs and rolls
her eyes. I don't want her to have the "disease to please", but I don't
like this either. She'll be in Girl Scouts this year and I hope that will help. Any suggestions? B.B. Online in TN
A. Helping
your child learn to give sincere compliments, make friends and be polite would
never be a "disease" or deterrent in any way. What good is it if she's pretty and smart if she can't get along with or
appreciate others?
You need to stop procrastinating and deal with this
behavior NOW while you still have some impact as a parent. The majority of children's values and attitudes are in place
by the time they're eight. Your
window of opportunity is getting smaller, and she has a long way to go in the
area of people skills. She needs to
begin learning NOW to appreciate that others have capabilities and talents that
may be different from her own, but that are every bit as valuable as hers.
She seems to be choosing friends who are easily led or that
she can boss around. She
needs the challenge of give and take with others like herself, and this is
something you can't do for her. Girl
Scouts is just one place to start. Also
explore her talents in the areas of sports, gymnastics, art, music or dance. Observe her interests and discuss them. Find an interest upon which she can build some solid peer relationships.
Bullying
and Clingyness
Q. My
son has just returned to school and he says he is getting pushed around. There was some teasing and bullying last year too, and the teacher said
they'd monitor it, but are there ways I can better prepare him to handle this? We want him to be able to assert himself, but we don't
encourage fighting or physical violence. He's
also very clingy and demanding of my time when he's home, and wants to be with
me every minute. I love him but
isn't it ok to have some time for myself?
A. Let's look at your needs first, because if you are happy and self
assured, it will help your son. Children,
especially clingy ones, need to see your modeling. They need to see you as not just Mom, but as a whole, adult, and
competent person with other interests and friends. This can really help them in making new friends or finding new interests
of their own.
Think about your wants and needs, and plan to do something
special that you've wanted to do for yourself. At the same time, think about your son's interests and talents. Try to find him a peer group to join outside of his school classroom
where he'll meet kids with similar interests.
The other problem, helping him deal with bullying, will
become easier to deal with if he has other friends and interests and more
confidence. You can also find some
good ideas and activities for him to try in the chapters about people skills and
self esteem in my new book "Sams Teach Yourself e-Parenting Today". See excerpts on my website www.askevelyn.com.
Fussing
about going back to school
Q. Our
kids are fussing because they don't want summer to end and don't want school to
start. I am not looking forward to that school schedule either, but how can I
prepare them and make it easier? T. M. Philadelphia
A. We all hate to see summer end, but preparing yourself and the kids to go from summer days to school days is very smart. Here are some tips.
Before school starts…
· If your child will be riding a school bus for the first time, make
an appointment with staff at the school bus garage and take him there to see a
bus, meet a driver, and practice getting on and off the bus.
· At least a week or 10 days prior to the start of school, start
moving children's bedtime earlier, fifteen minutes per night, until it matches
the school night bedtime. Use the
same method in the morning for wake up call. (Yes, this may inconvenience you, but it comes with the territory. It's in the kids' best interest.)
· Try to find out what children in the neighborhood will go to the
school or be in your child's class. Get
acquainted with other children and parents prior to the start of school.
· Go to the school and use the play ground, visit the gym and
lunchroom, and meet the principal. Being
familiar with the school and knowing where things are (including the bathrooms)
helps children feel more secure. Usually the staff is at school a week before school starts.
· Meet your children's teachers and see the classrooms. Children feel more secure when they know that the teacher knows their
parents. Be sure to leave the teacher all your phone numbers and email
address, and say that you welcome any contacts.
When school starts…
· Give your child reassurance with the security of consistent
routines such as regular bedtimes and mealtimes. School takes lots of energy and children need good food and at least 9
hours of sleep.
· Give your child support by eating together every day. Relax and socialize and see how everyone's day went. Try to play family games together once a week. Eating together and playing games together will give your children a
feeling of security and help them feel they can talk to you about anything.
· Set a time to listen and talk to your child every day, and be sure
to do it. Children may look
"all grown up" but they are very vulnerable in the school years. They need you and your listening ear more than ever.
· Go to all school events, conferences, etc. and make special
appointments on alternate days if you cannot make the scheduled event. Drop in at school to say hello occasionally, and always pick up your
child's homework if they miss school. These things DO make a difference in the way the teachers look at your
child.
Teaching
Optimism to Child
Q. Can
you teach your child to be an optimist? If
so how would you go about it? K.P. Online in Nashville TN
A. The best way to
help your child learn to be optimistic is to model optimism yourself. Your modeling is very powerful and kids usually learn more from what you
do than what you say. Are you an
optimist? Children can
"catch" your optimism, just as they can "catch" pessimism.
Do
you believe you can cope with problems successfully? Do you find challenges interesting? Do you try new things easily? Do you keep your focus on the silver linings instead of the clouds? If you risk and fail at something new, do you see it as a learning
experience? You can do many small
things in addition to positive modeling that will help teach your children to be
optimistic.
· You can
play family games together once a week. This
will help children feel strongly connected to the family; this kind of
foundation provides the security and confidence that optimistic children need.
· Playing
games will also offer many opportunities to learn to risk and fail in safe ways,
helping kids understand that losing can be a positive learning experience.
· Playing
games also helps children learn other important life skills such as patience,
perseverance and resilience. Optimists
hang in there; they don't give up; they bounce back from adversities. Playing family games helps teach that.
· You can
use real experiences, stories and videos to show children that staying positive
and being an optimist often helps people become successful in spite of
obstacles.
· You can
look at the web site www.amazing-kids.com to find stories about how optimism
helped kids to keep trying so that they could accomplish special things.
· You can
encourage children to take safe and thoughtful risks, such as making a new
friend, trying a new recipe, and asking questions or giving opinions in a
classroom or group. Optimists
aren't afraid to risk trying because they have "I Can" attitudes and
also because they accept failures as experiences, not self defeating
experiences.
· Show kids
that there are many ways to solve problems, and many different answers to a
question. Teach them how to turn
disadvantages into advantages.
Disagreements
with other parents
Q. My
daughter is seven. Recently she
spent the night with a friend with whom she's stayed before on several
occasions. The next morning she
told me she lost her tooth, which was a big surprise to me. It was a little loose, but wouldn't have fallen out for 2-3 weeks. What happened was that the mother just took it upon herself to pull out
my child's tooth, without consulting me! I
don’t think she should have done that and I'm still upset about it. I also
discovered that the parents were drinking that night, and that they had an
argument in front of the children. My
husband and I hardly ever raise our voices, and we never disagree in front of
the children. If I were responsible
for another child's care over night, I would not be drinking. I am afraid that my daughter's friend's house is not a particularly
healthy environment for my child, and I don't want her to go there anymore. Am I being unreasonable? T.E. Sacramento CA
A. No, I don't think you are being unreasonable. The child's parents seem to have different family values and a different
living style than you have. This
doesn't necessarily mean they are bad parents, and your daughter may really
enjoy their child's friendship. However,
it is certainly your right to stop letting your daughter stay overnight at their
home. This will limit the influence the parents might have over
your child.
Your child probably really likes this little girl. Why not just have the friend visit you or stay overnight at your home
instead, where you can observe and supervise. Try to increase your child's circle of friends and make it a habit to
have your daughter's friends over often. Invite
the moms over for coffee once in a while as well, so you'll know more about the
families.
Talking
to Babies
Q. I'm
concerned that my two month old granddaughter is not being talked to enough by
her parents. I realize everyone has their own way of interacting with babies, but I
also know the importance of talking to them. My daughter is very gentle and holds, cuddles and kisses the child, and
plays with her a lot. The dad is sort of a couch potato. He also speaks very, very fast, and is sometimes hard to understand. I don't want to keep offering them the same advice, so I gave him a book
about how to play with babies for Fathers' Day. J.H. Modesto CA
A. You're right about the importance of talking with babies, and giving the dad that book was a great idea. Children do learn language from the interactions and modeling of their parents and caregivers. Whenever you are with the family, you can help the parents and have impact on both them and the baby just by using your own modeling.
Model all these interactions:
· Look into the baby's eyes and smile when you talk to her.
· Copy the sounds the baby makes; imitate and give them back to her.
· Smile, caress her and praise her whenever she tries to imitate
YOUR sounds.
· Use a well modulated voice, speak clearly and use correct grammar.
· When the baby gets just a bit older, show her picture books and
read them to her, or talk about and point to the pictures.
· Use songs, rhymes and fingerplays with the baby which will
interest her in the rhythms and patterns of speech.
· Keep what you say simple and short, but use intonation, making
your voice rise and fall. She'll
find this interesting and will listen.
· Whisper sometimes…babies like this sound and it holds their
attention.
Most books about how babies learn language are in the early childhood education sections of book stores or libraries. Ask your librarian or a store clerk for help in locating a book about how language develops. Another resource might be your intermediate school district, the part of the school system that supplies multimedia resources and assistance with special needs. Call them and ask for the speech and language person. Then see if he/she can make suggestions or refer you to a book, or even provide a free pamphlet on language development for the young parents.
Should
child keep the Kitten?
Q. We
got a kitten as a family pet. The understanding was that we would help care for the kitten,
but it was our five year old daughter's responsibility to make sure the kitten
was okay. We got him two weeks ago,
but she has not treated him with respect. She
picks him up constantly, drags him out from behind things when he hides, puts
doll clothes on him, and today I
caught her trying to stuff him into a toy mailbox.
I don't think she's being malicious, but maybe I'm trying to spare myself the truth. Normally, she never acts like this. We've reasoned with her, put her in time out, swatted her, taken away privileges, and now we are contemplating finding the kitten a new home. I really don't want to do this, but I have to protect the kitten. What do you think we should do? L.B. Online in North Carolina.
A. I would put the kitten in a new home immediately. Your child needs to learn that she cannot have the privilege of having a
kitten unless she accepts the fact that pets come with rules and
responsibilities. Having a pet can
help teach children an important life skill, which is that privileges are
earned, and they always come hand in hand with responsibilities.
It sounds to me like your daughter is not mature enough to
have a pet at this time. She is
treating the kitten as a toy, not a living, breathing creature with senses and
feelings. Perhaps she doesn't
really understand that the kitten needs a family's protection and care in the
same way as she needs the care of her parents.
Bedwetting
Q. Our
6 ½ year old son wets the bed every night, but he never has accidents during
the day, and seems to be able to hold his urine if necessary. We stop liquids at 6pm, and he uses the toilet before his 7pm bedtime. We've tried waking him up at night to have him go, but he's still asleep,
so he cries and seems unaware of his surroundings. We've put him in pullup training pants at night, but they leak. We've had him "adjusted" by our chiropractor, and he's been on
cornsilk tablets from the herb shop for 4 weeks with no results. Is this a common problem for boys his age? Is there anything real we can do to help him stop wetting the bed? K.R. Online in PA
A. You've
tried many good strategies, but have you arranged for him to have a complete and
thorough physical? You probably
didn't think this was necessary, since he can hold his urine in the daytime, but
it would still be a good idea to see your pediatrician. Your doctor may be able to help; the doctor can also refer you to a
specialist for this problem if that becomes necessary.
Yes this is a common problem for boys ages 5 to 7,
especially very active boys. It is
usually because they play so hard all day that they sleep too deeply to be aware
of body signals that tell them to wake up and use the toilet. Our grandson had this problem, and the only thing that worked was to wake
him up at midnight or 1 am and walk him to the bathroom, help him use the
toilet, and walk him back to bed.
We stayed matter of fact and very calm and quiet as we did
this. At first he didn't wake up
completely, but with our help he could use the toilet and go back to bed. As we continued this strategy, it DID help him set up an internal pattern
or habit of waking up and using the bathroom once during the night. It took several months, but finally he started waking up on his own.
Stay
at home dad getting ready for Kindergarten
Q. I'm
a stay at home dad, and our son is going to kindergarten this fall. Should I be practicing the alphabet with him or doing numbers? I want him to be ready for kindergarten, but I feel uneasy about drilling
him. There must be other things I can do to make this a special summer for
both of us. H.S. Sacramento CA
A. Yes,
make the most of these special days, because once he is in "real"
school, your opportunities for personal time with him will begin to be limited. A strong relationship with your son will give him self confidence that
will serve him well when school starts. Having fun, talking, and learning new things together will also create
life long memories and the sense of belonging that young children need.
Having fun does
not have to exclude learning. The following ideas teach important learning skills such as literacy,
creative thinking, planning, problem solving, math/science, cooperation, and
attention span. These are skills he will need in school, and they're more important than
learning some letters and numbers by rote.
· Read aloud to him every single day. Go to the library together.
· Make a kite and then fly it.
· Let your son help you cook. Make a pizza, or a roast in a bag, or dessert.
· Build something together…a bird feeder, a tree house, a fort, or a sand
castle.
· Have a lemonade stand, and sell the lemonade to buy something special.
· Plant a small garden, care for it, and harvest the flowers and
vegetables.
· Have him dictate the words and keep a journal of your summer together. Add photos and his own drawings.
· Make 3 dimensional constructions together from paper cups, plates, tape,
golf tees, pipe cleaners, straws and other findings in the junk drawer.
· Enjoy active play outdoors every day, and take walks together while you
talk.
Smoking
Q. Our
7 year old daughter and her friend seem to be collecting cigarette butts! Our older daughter told us that they had put some butts in her purse,
making it smell awful. I checked
the child's bedroom but found nothing, so I dismissed it as a prank until my
wife found cigarette butts in her jacket pocket! I'm sure she's not smoking, (none of us do) but what's going on? Dad E. H. Gainesville, FL
A. Confront your 7 year old and her friend and ask them why they're doing it. Sevens' often play jokes, and sometimes even very bright sevens' do silly things, like playing with matches. You do need to get to the bottom of this. But collect some butts yourself before you confront them and put them in your daughter's jacket pocket for a day. Show both girls that the smell of butts on clothing is not a bit funny! Then have your discussion.
Subject: terrible threes??
Q: Question
1: I have a 3 and a half year old girl. When she starts to put up a fight when
we put her to bed, she seems to change and becomes very aggressive, kicking and
biting pinching and she is really trying to hurt us, her eyes show
extreme hate and anger. We have a one year old girl too and they
seem to get along well all the time.
We don't believe in slapping or spanking but all our other methods have failed, we
talk, read, and try and calm her down b4 bed.
she doesn't behave this way at any other time. only at bedtime. She also
says she hates us and doesn't want to be around us ever again...I know this is
normal... right????
Question: Can we do something else and rid her of those hateful and
aggressive feelings she has?
Question 2 if possible: Is this a stage or are we going to have our hands
full for the next 18 years?
Matt
A: Dear
Matt, Let's start with Question 2. Yes, if you don't find a consistent
strategy and deal with this power struggle now you are likely to have trouble in
the future. You see, the patterns of parent-child interaction which you
put in place now are the ones you are teaching her. She will continue to
use these patterns and so will you. This is why letting her know about
rules and roles NOW is so vital. ( eg. Will you want this struggle to be
happening when she's 14?)
All children go through the tantrum and testing stage, but some do it at
two, and some save it up to engage in at three or older. It is a necessary
stage, because the child, in having the tantrum, is trying to find out, and
needs to find out, what the rules really are, and who is in charge.
Although you would swear that they don't want any of your rules or
"no's", rules are exactly what they do want and need. Your
consistent limits or parameters help give your child security.
You say you've been using a bedtime ritual...GOOD! Keep this up and
do it at the same time each night. In addition, before she even starts
"testing ", explain that you are the parent and she's the child.
As a parent you have a special job which is to make rules that are in her best
interest, such as making sure she has enough rest and stays healthy. This
is why it's time for bed now.
Disregard anything she says and do not even engage in the power struggle
that may ensue. After telling her that you'll be nearby in the house,just
leave the room. She's been enjoying the drama of pushing your buttons.
Take yourself and those buttons away from her. Say "No" calmly
and firmly, and tell her she can cry if she wishes, as long as she likes, but
she must stay in bed now...."See you in the morning."
You can do this. Remember, you are the parent and she is the kid.
Q: My daughter is 4 and has always looked up to and copied our neighbor girls who are ages 6 and 8. She does dance and gymnastics because they do. But recently I found out from another neighbor that these girls don't like my child and don’t want to play with her. I don’t really know if it's the girls or their mother, who I know can be twofaced sometimes. But I always thought they loved our girl and enjoyed taking her under their wing. Should I tell my child not to approach the neighbors anymore? T.M.R. Reading, PA
A: Even if this is true, because of the fact that the older girls may now be more interested in their own peers, you can do nothing to change your neighbors' behavior. But you CAN change what YOU do! Start by finding your child some other friends; two are not enough and the more friends the better. If she really likes dance and gymnastics (not just pretending to like them) there are other girls her age in those groups that share common interests with her. Also consider your church group friends, or friends in her preschool. Have some of these kids over with their moms and get to know them. It is always better to focus on the flowers in your garden, instead of the weeds.
Junk
Food Diet
Q. Our boys, ages 7 and 9 have terrible eating habits and
make meals a nightmare. They eat only a few kinds of junk food, they do not eat at the table, and they still take an hour to eat their
unbalanced food. This has gone on
since they were two's; we had to chase them around for them to feed them. We have a problem with consistency because our in laws and a live in
housekeeper have been with us since the beginning. My mother in law is the major impact on them, and she's more patience
than I, but she gives in. I am a
physician and can't always be there to enforce the rules, but I want meals to be
a relaxed, pleasant time when we all eat together and eat a well balanced diet. Help! P.A. Long Beach, CA
A. You
are still the head of the household. You
really must call a family meeting to discuss this with all the adults that
live with you, including your housekeeper. Explain how unhealthy the boys' diet is and how many bad habits and bad
manners they are exhibiting. Eating
properly is not only a matter of health, but a life skill that includes social
skills which your sons are not learning. You
can only turn this around by making it clear that this must STOP, and by
insisting that everyone agree to a consistent plan. Put the plan in writing like a prescription or contract, have them all sign
that they agree and will follow through. This is in everyone's best interest.
Include in this meeting your guidelines for
what groceries will and WILL NOT be purchased and available in the house for the
boys to eat. ( The hospital
nutritionist can help you) Put the
list in writing and get agreement. Whomever
does the shopping must be aware of the seriousness of this issue. (You pay the bills, don't you?) Do not give the boys an allowance during the process in which you are
changing their habits. You know what they'll spend it on. If their behaviors change, reinstate it.
After the adult meeting, invite the adults
to be present at another meeting with the boys. Explain that terrible eating habits are not in their best interests
(health and life skills), and that changes WILL be made.
· Explain the new rules and the "prescription" or contract regarding the new grocery list. Ask for their input on groceries if and only if they make nutritious choices.
· Explain that all food will be eaten at the table with at least one adult present to eat or talk with them.
· Explain that they are not allowed to eat at times other than planned snacks and meals, and that no "grazing" or eating in other parts of the house is allowed.
· Explain that you will be serving family style meals, having foods being passed and insisting on good manners. (please, thank you) Eat a regular time, even if not all family members are there.
· The boys must sign the "rules" contract you have designed. If they don't follow the rules, they don't eat. As a doctor, you know they won't starve during this process.
· Everyone should sign the rules contract. Meet again in a week to make any needed changes.
· Remember who are the adults in your family and who are the children. As adults, we must take the responsibility of guiding children in ways that serve their best long term interest.ADHD son gets speeding tickets
Q. Our son
got his drivers license 6 months ago and has already had 3 speeding tickets. He has ADHD and is treated for depression due to low self esteem and few
friends. We threatened to sell the car if he has more tickets, but he
goes to a private school and there are no buses. K.B. in New Jersey
A. Look at the big picture first. You
need to help him work on self esteem and having friends, and letting him get in
trouble is not the way to do it! Help
him increase his talents and interests, and have him join clubs or do sports or
other activities with kids who have like interests. Find his strengths and build on them instead of keeping the
focus on his problems. He needs
firm, consistent guidance and praise every small improvement. Do these things for his own good, regardless of the car issue.
Your
threat about selling the car was empty, and he knew it because one of the
reasons you let him have a car was to get him to school. However, there's a way you can salvage your plan and follow through with
it, helping him learn some important lessons at the same time.
Remember,
a car in the hands of an irresponsible or inexperienced teen can be a lethal
weapon, and you are the ones held responsible if something happens. Your son should not have a car just because he wants one. You need to put a stop to his inappropriate behavior. His life and long-term best interest should outweigh any inconvenience.
Have
a serious family meeting with him to develop a contract about the ownership and
use of his car. Tell him what you
expect and need from him if he wants a car, and also what you think should
happen if he does not keep his part of the contract. In other words, you'll make it clear that responsibilities
will go hand in hand with the privileges of having a car. That's what real life's about.
During
the meeting ask his opinions, and ask him what he thinks the consequences should
be if he breaks his contract. Explain
that you don't want him or anyone else to be hurt, so this contract is in his
best interests as well as yours. Make it clear that you WILL take the car away if you need to,
and find another way for him to get to school, even if that proves to be an
inconvenience. Options might be
that you drive, hire a taxi, or have him picked up by a friend. All of you should sign the contract. Be ready to follow through on the
consequences!
If
he cooperates, and begins to behave maturely, be sure to add other logical
responsibilities such as having him pay part of the insurance premium, gas and
maintenance. Taking on these
responsibilities will teach life skills he needs.
"Pick
up your toys!"
Q. I
am having lots of trouble getting my two year old to help pick up her toys. I don't expect her to pick up all of them, but she should at least help. I have tried to make it a game, but that didn't work. I said if she didn't help I would throw out whatever toys were left on
the floor, but she seemed to think that was a good idea. Can you help me? M.B.
Sacramento CA
A. Yes, your two-year old is too young to pick up all the toys on her own initiative, but she should begin learning to help out now. It's very important to start teaching children the life skills of discipline and responsibility when they're young, and the "help out habit" is an important way to begin putting these life skill patterns in place. Keep in mind that children are not born with these skills, but they can learn them gradually, over time, if parents provide consistent guidance.
Start now, but keep it simple! For example, rotate her toys every week or two, so that she
doesn't have too many to use at a time and so that the toys seem "new"
again. She will enjoy them more and
it will be easier for her to help pick them up.
Remember that young children cannot
conceptualize number and quantity the way adults do. When toys or blocks are spread out over the floor children actually
believe there are three times as many of them as there actually are! Help her organize the toys into groups or types. Put like objects together in a pile. Then the task of putting them away will look more "doable" to
her.
Check your storage for books and toys. Provide a basket or bucket for carrying small toys from the play area to
the storage shelves. Children need low, open and accessible shelf space. Use boxes or baskets to further separate toys on the shelves, and put
picture and word labels on the shelves. The
spaces and labels will make the job of clean up more like a game, and provide a
print rich environment.
Give lots of descriptive praise, smiles and
hugs for helping out. Encourage
other ways to help, such as setting and clearing the table and sorting laundry. You'll find many other ideas for teaching self discipline and helpfulness
in my book, "Growing Responsible Kids" (Frank Schaffer; 9.95) See
it on my web site www.askevelyn.com in
the "Ev's Stuff pages.
If you feel you still need to threaten her with taking the toys away that she does not pick up, then DO it, but don't use threats that you won't carry out. Say you'll "put them away" or "take them away for two weeks" and then follow through so that she gets the full impact of the consequence.
Tantrums
Q. My granddaughter is four and is having temper
tantrums! She never did this
before, but shortly after her mom decided to marry the man she has lived with
for 5 years, the tantrums and negativism began. She does not do it with me, but she does it at home. What's wrong? Grandma
in Nashville
A. It's my bet that she just doesn't understand what's happening. Adults often assume that children aren't afraid of "good" things, but changes of any kind can worry sensitive children. She probably doesn't really know what "getting married" means. Will her life change? Will only her mom get married? If so what will happen to her? Will she be with them or not? Will they move? Will she keep her toys and bed? She needs reassurance that her life will stay the same and may become even better. She needs to know that she's part of the marriage too…she could (and should) even take part in the wedding. Finding the real reason for the problem will help solve it quickly.
More
about Tantrums
Q. Our
six year old son is having tantrums at school. They seem to often coincide with hunger, and also with being interrupted
from something on which he is concentrating. Our doctor suggested a high carb breakfast, but then the tantrums moved
from morning to late afternoon. We
know that he doesn't eat much at lunch because he's more interested in talking
with friends. We've tried to be understanding and we also tried taking away
TV privileges. But today he had
another tantrum and is now excluded from school for 2 days because he kicked the
Head teacher. We don't understand,
as he is usually a bright, happy, and polite boy, and he's always very
apologetic after one of these incidents. He
does not have tantrums at home. We'd
like some sort of direction because
there are long waiting lists before we can see the educational psychologist. S.C. Online in the United Kingdom
A. Perhaps
you should get another doctor's opinion while you're waiting to see the school
psychologist. My intuition hints
that this may be a physical problem. Some
of the symptoms you describe are similar to those of ADHD or Tourette's
syndrome. They are also reminiscent of low blood sugar problems. These are things that can be treated with diet and medication along with
positive guidance and reinforcement. It
wouldn't hurt to explore these possibilities.
You might also explain the problem to a nutritionist, because nutrition is
seldom a doctor's specialty. Most
hospitals have nutritionists who give advice for a reasonable fee. For example, your doctor recommended a high carb breakfast, but a
nutritionist might suggest a balance of protein and carbohydrates. If the stress or tantrums have moved to afternoon, and he's not eating a
good lunch, it is also possible that the problem relates to low blood sugar. Perhaps a snack, which he would normally have at home, could be allowed
at school.
Hopefully, both you and the school staff are mindful that young children need
lots of positive reinforcement. Praise
him for every effort he makes to control or stop the tantrums. Praise him for eating right, explaining why eating properly may help him
control his temper. Six year olds may look very grown up, but they still need
lots of hugs and praise. Rewarding
GOOD behavior usually works better with sixes than removing privileges.
Chores
and Allowance
Q. When
should I start giving my child an allowance, and how much should I give? What chores should be tied in with the allowance? D.M. Sacramento CA
A. The
timing and amount of an allowance depends on your family's values and resources,
and also on the kinds of things you want your child to learn from this
experience. If you want him/her to learn that money is not just a
"given", but that you work to EARN money, the child should have some
"extra" weekly chores. e.g., These are chores beyond those things we all do because we are a family team living under
one roof. (make our beds, put
dirty clothes in hamper, set and clear the table, etc)
Depending
on the age of the child, extra chores might be to shovel snow, help wash the
car, sweep the sidewalks or patio, weed or water a garden, vacuum, wipe
fingerprints from windows or doors, wash dishes, load or unload the dishwasher,
empty all the wastebaskets, feed the pets, etc. Tip: A chores
checklist in the form of a weekly grid on the refrigerator helps kids keep track
of their jobs.
How
much allowance depends on your own resources and values, not what your friends
or neighbors do. Both the age and
maturity of the child must also be considered. If you feel that an allowance is the foundation for learning the life
skill of money management, it's still up to you to decide what age appropriate
chores should be done and whether these assignments equal the value of the
allowance you're paying.
But
there's even more to consider. Do
you believe that your child needs to learn the difference between wants and
needs? Will you pay for the needs
and have the child pay for his/her "wants"? Do you want your child to learn how and why to save money? All these factors will affect the amount of allowance and the way you
teach your child to MANAGE this money.
For
example, if you want your child to learn about savings, you need to take
advantage of situations that will allow you to teach the child WHY we save
money. As a general rule, NEVER advance the allowance just because the child
wants something "now." (Instant gratification does not grow mature and
responsible kids.)
If
your child simply "wants" something that costs more than the weekly
allowance, don't advance any money. That
just teaches children that they can always have what they want when they want it
(instant gratification). Instead,
teach delayed gratification, which is a real-world life skill that children need
to learn. Show the child how to use
savings for the purchase, or put a deposit on the purchase and pay if off over
time. (lay away). The child will learn the difference between wants and needs,
as well as good reasons to save.
If children make poor choices with their money, they should accept responsibility for their choices and live with them, learning from mistakes. Losing small amounts of money when you're young is much better than of losing large amounts as a young adult.
Cutting Class
Q: My son
has been cutting classes at school. I'm
not sure of the reasons…it may be spring fever, or peer pressure or laziness,
but it must stop. What do you
suggest? J.B. Nashville TN
A: Don't
make assumptions; learn the exact reasons for his truancy. I had a friend whose son hid in their basement every day for a week
rather than go to school because he was ashamed to tell his parents that a bully
was stealing his lunch money and beating him up.
On
the other hand, he could be skipping classes for one of the reasons you list in
your letter. If so, you need to use
both short and long term strategies. You'll
want to "put out the fire" and also take measures to prevent that
problem from flaring up again.
Here
are some short term or quick fix ideas to consider from a new book by Sheri
Steelsmith called "Go to Your Room: Consequences
that Teach" (Raefield-Roberts/Parenting Press; $14.95). The author lists 50 common discipline problems and presents logical
consequence solutions.
· Get
attendance records from school each week. Unexcused
absences earn lost privileges.
· Ask
teachers for missed lesson assignments; these must be done in order for
privileges to resume.
· Require
your child to apologize to the teachers, getting a note from the teacher to
confirm that this was done.
You
may also want to find out if any other peers are skipping classes with him and
contact their parents to brainstorm on both long and short term strategies. For example, you need to find ways to motivate your son and help him see
that staying in the classroom and getting good grades are in his best long term
interest. Not only do you need to
keep an eye on the friends he hangs around with, but you need to make his
friends welcome in your home so that you get to know them.
He
needs to know how classroom attendance and participation will help him get a job
or go to college or get technical training. You may also need to explore the very real possibility that
his teacher needs to be an active partner in his motivation and rewards for
improvement.
Dawdling
Q: How
do we get our child, age 7, to quit dawdling
and wasting time? We get up 1 1/2 hours before he has to catch the school bus, but he sits
at the table eating breakfast for an hour, and then doesn't have time to even
brush his teeth. We all get upset and that's no way to start the day. How do we motivate him without bribing? M.A. Philadelphia
A: Children
this age don't have the organizational skills that adults have. These skills are not innate, they need to be taught. Some children learn these skills "on their own" by watching and
copying adult modeling. Other kids,
like your son, need more adult direction, clear instructions and lots of praise
until they really "get it".
Find
a relaxed, quiet time to talk to him about this problem. Calmly explain that you are frustrated (tell how you feel). Say that you know he doesn't like to feel nagged or feel guilty about
this problem, and that you want each day to start more happily for all of you.
Explain
that you want to find ways to help him learn to take care of himself and get
ready for school on his own. This
is an important life skill. Tell
him you want to talk about this and share some ideas, getting his ideas too. Make a printed list of the exact things he needs to do to
make his (and your) mornings easier. Both
of you should show agreement by signing the list. Here are some possibilities.
He
could make his lunch the night before and put it in the refrigerator.
He
could do his homework right after school or supper and put it in his backpack,
ready for the next day.
He
could choose his clothes the night before and lay them out.
He
could even set his place for breakfast the night before, and decide what he'll
eat.
He needs to have his own alarm clock, and should, with your help, decide the time it should be set.
You can agree on the amount of time he
needs for breakfast, (20 minutes is plenty) and tell him that after that time is
up the table will be cleared. (Follow through on this!)
The
list you make together is a "contract". A contract is NOT bribery! It
is an agreement you make BEFORE misbehavior occurs and it's a good strategy. Bribery is giving children rewards to STOP misbehavior and is poor
strategy. Children should receive
some kind of reward for fulfilling the contract...and improving their behavior,
just as they should experience appropriate and logical consequences if they do
not fulfill the contract.
You may need to reward him with more than your praise. Put gold stars on each day of the calendar that he does well. These can be "turned in" after a week for something special that is meaningful to him. Praise him, be consistent, and be optimistic. Expect his best, not his worst.