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Meals and Bedtime for Infant
Q:
There should BE no bedtime struggle! If you are not firm now about putting her to bed at bedtime (This is YOUR CHOICE not hers and YOUR TIME, not hers) this struggle will not go away; it will get worse and worse. Babies quickly learn what and how to push your buttons, and bedtime is a button they love to push.
Remember that it’s normal for them to do this for attention, but YOU are the one
who must make decisions about their health and the amount of sleep they (and
you) need. (Babies usually need 12-14 hours a night.) They are not mature
little people; they are babies. Infants and toddlers NEED routines, rules and
limits just like twos and threes do. You won’t damage their self esteem by
giving them the security of these limits.
Create and insist on a simple bedtime routine that you can modify as she gets
older. By the time she walks, here is what that routine would be like. First
prepare: "It's time to put away the toys in 5 minutes…Now it’s time for a bath
or clean up. Now we can have a snack (keep it simple and small like bland cereal
and milk) and do our tooth brushing." Then you can do the bedtime story and the
tuck in and kiss goodnight. You might even add a special music box or tape to
play softly as you leave her with her security blanket and teddy bear, but LEAVE
and don't return at all. Some will cry longer than 5 minutes and that’s okay.
Start a modification of that routine NOW and stick to it.
For now, I suggest is that you find out who the child's teacher is and make an appointment to tell the teacher what you’ve observed. This will give the school staff a “heads up” to watch for other signs of neglect. (dirty clothing, same clothes every day, dirty hair, poor school and reading achievement, etc.) As professionals, teachers are required by law to report such cases. If you tell them what you and mom have seen, they’ll observe the child more carefully, try to help her more with school-work, and report to the authorities if they feel they should.
Also, find out about the Big Brother Big Sister program in your community and sign up to be a big sister for the child. Explain the situation to them if it’s kept confidential. That way you can more easily help her out with homework and grooming, and keep an eye on this. If the mother sees this as a help to HER, especially the schoolwork part, she won't have a problem with it. You would make a fabulous Big Sister! Thanks for being a caring person.
Terrified of School Shots
When children play that they are doctors and use pretend shots on dolls they feel more familiar with these situations. When they play, they are in control of the make-believe and this helps prepare them for real life situations. You can do this type of pretend play at home too, and it may help.
Get together some props or buy a play doctor kit. You can roll some gauze bandages, give him band aids or hair tape, and find some empty syringes. Sometimes you can get discarded xrays from a doctor’s or a dentist’s offices, too. A play stethoscope is helpful, as is a small briefcase and white or green clothing
Then just be honest and say you are going to visit the
doctor soon and that you think he would like to play pretend doctor and doctor
office before the trip. Play and pretend along with him and let him give you
pretend shots. In addition, go to the library or a book store and ask for help
finding a book about going to the doctor. You can even call ahead and ask them
to find and save one for you.
When the day arrives be sure he knows you are going and that you will stay with
him. If you need to do it, have the doctor give you a shot first, (like a real
flu shot or just a pretend shot) so you can show him that it’s very simple and
fast and doesn’t really hurt. Also try to find out the cause of his fear,
especially if he has not had shots before. Ask yourself if the fear comes from
something he’s heard or seen that he has blown out of proportion.
NOTE TO READERS If you are planning to have your children experience the real meaning of Christmas by making simple gifts for relatives or friends, start your projects this weekend so that you have time to enjoy the process with the kids and not be stressed out as we get closer to the holidays. Call it the “Saturday Christmas Club” and enjoy doing something special and meaningful together.
Aggressive 5 Year Old
Some children who have ADHD over react when another child touches them, even
when proximity makes the touch or bump very accidental. The ADHD child will
sometimes simply react aggressively in this situation without thinking. On the
other hand, is your child acting out to show that he is a big or important boy?
e.g., is his aggression based in a strong need to feel important, “best” or
“first”? Some children are extra competitive based on these needs. You did not
tell me that there were any siblings at home with whom he competes for
attention.
Do some observing and thinking about the possible reasons for his behavior,
which could even be based in a physical sensory/motor imbalance problem.
Consider a physical or tests regarding the sensory/motor realm. You might even
consider a neurological exam if you are getting nowhere with suggestions and
expectations about good behavior or praise for improvement.
Other than that, you need to find a reason...something that is meaningful to him
and that he really cares about...to motivate him to try harder to control
himself. What means most to him? If he likes to play with other children and
enjoys interacting with others, the best strategy might be to remove him from
any group or peer interaction the moment he STARTS to lose control. Have him
wait until he says he can handle himself properly before he is allowed to
reenter the play and praise him amply for his efforts in self control. Praise
him for all efforts to improve his behavior.
You also need to give him alternatives to the over reacting or aggression.
Explain some of the reasons children like their friends or respect them. Show
him some specific ways to let others know he likes them (asking questions,
giving compliments and helping others). It’s also very important to give him a
physical outlet that is focused or channeled. If he has no ADHD or other
physical problem, get him involved in hockey or swimming where he can vent his
energy appropriately.
If he likes going to school and wants to go to play with friends, you could talk
to him about what behavior is expected there and what will not be allowed.
Explain clearly that he won’t be allowed to go if he doesn’t follow the rules of
the group like the other children do. The teacher should do likewise, stating
her expectations clearly and positively, so he knows what the rules are. You
and she should also praise him for any and all improvements so that he has an
incentive to continue improving.
Make plans with the teacher to follow through and keep him at home a day if he misbehaves. Make sure she tells you any improvements so that you can praise him as well. Most good preschools provide training for staff concerning guidance and discipline, and there are many successfully proven strategies that can be used.
Please go to my website www.askevleyn.com Then go to the links and resources page. Click on Program Source International to find information on my new video training program for early childhood teachers, "Child Guidance and Classroom Management." You can also see this video training package on my site’s “Books and More” pages. Print out the page and show it to your child's teacher or program director. Training tapes like these will help the staff with challenging behaviors. The ideas in the videos can also be used by parents.
NOTE TO ABSENT DAD: Yes you should worry and also take action. Peers and friendships are very important to boys during these years before dating starts. He needs to be in a group of kids with like interests...Scouts, 4H, chess, swimming, whatever...and you should strongly encourage this to happen. He may not be as "happy" as you think if he keeps getting in trouble and has no friends. . Get him involved in something where he will make new friends and learn something. NO ONE will ever be as important a role model to him as you are, so keep that in mind and be a good one. A child can never have enough good role models, especially male ones, and there’s room for all good models in his life.
Fifth grader labeled Bad Boy
Q: Our son is a 5th grader at a small rural elementary school. This year
problems at school and home have mushroomed. He is overly critical of others and
crawls all over them when they drop a ball in football, but cannot accept
criticism himself. His grades are very good but I get weekly calls from school
about behaviors or not staying on task. And I see the same behaviors at home.
When he wants to do something or it's important to him, he will give 110%, but
otherwise he’s miserable to be around. At conferences the teachers and I agreed
that the school discipline program is not working. The teacher is willing to
try anything and so are we!! J. J. On line in TN
A: In a small school, when a child has a "label" all the kids and adults know it.
So when others EXPECT him to have uncooperative and impatient behaviors, he
knows it, and it’s probably the reason he won't try to change his behavior.
Usually when you expect the worst, kids give you the worst. When you expect
their best (and BELIEVE they really can do it) they do try to give their best.
As a fifth grader, he’s old enough to reason with, and he’s bright enough to
understand what life skills are. Explain specifically why this kind of behavior
(being uncooperative, impatient, negative and intolerant) will hurt him in the
future. Give examples. He needs to know that you are not really interested in
punishment but are concerned about his best long-term interest. And he needs to
know that you believe he CAN improve.
One life skill we need is to do things we have to do, even if we don't
particularly like them. Another is manners, and thinking first before we
speak. Talk to him about this and how his behavior affects others. You might
try keeping a log or diary of any improvements or also of incidents that COULD
be improved and discuss these on a weekly basis on a quiet evening or weekend.
Let him start keeping his own log, too so that he begins some self-evaluation.
So far, you and the teachers are using negative tactics. No positive
reinforcement or praise is mentioned in your letter. Look harder to find any
effort on his part, and praise him for it at school and at home. Praise or
reward him for every tiny effort or improvement in patience or cooperation. Any
rewards for improvement must be tied in with something that is meaningful and
important to him.
Another miracle-working strategy is peer reinforcement at school. When other
kids hear the teacher praise him for any and every small improvement, they’ll
stop expecting him to always be "bad." In addition, if the teacher asks some of
the other kids to help her observe and see and TELL any improvement they see, it
will rapidly diminish and eventually delete the "bad kid" label. When praise is
given by both the teacher and other students he’ll start behaving differently.
With this child and most others, praise works much better than labeling and
punishment.
A: All of us have experienced those strong feelings that sweep over us when we're angry with a child. So how do we keep from “losing it”? First, realize that we're not just angry about what the child is doing right now; we're also angry about all the other things the child has ever done, and all the things that we think the child will do in the future. These thoughts fuel the anger. We need to refocus on what the child is doing NOW.
Breathe!… and think about this:
Exactly what is my child doing that I don't like? Does this make me more
angry than other things he's done? Why? Just ten seconds of this kind of
refocusing will help you regain control. Then you can think about the
problem at hand and what to do about it.
(Some parents need to do something active and safe to blow off steam BEFORE they
think for those 10 seconds. If you are one of them, try leaving the room,
running in place, blowing a whistle, beating a newspaper on the floor or
splashing cold water on your face.)
Another thing… Without a bedtime routine in place, you are setting yourself up to lose your temper. You already know your child will test you at bedtime. So get organized to do some pre planning! ACT instead of Reacting to your child. Put a predictable routine in place and stick to it to end the power struggle. Your child needs a healthy night’s rest, and so do you.
Here's the routine
that most parents use successfully:
· Warn the child at least 15 min.
before its time to get ready for bed that it's time to put away the toys.
Give help or direction to see that this is done.
· Have the child wash and get ready for bed.
· Have a small snack and brush teeth.
· Put child in bed to and hear a story.
· Tuck the child in with a kiss and make it
very clear that “Now it’s bedtime and you will now stay in bed and go to
sleep.” (Security blankets, teddy bears, etc and night lights are ok)
· Stick to it! Don't go back to the room.
· Remember that the newest research says children today are not
being put to bed EARLY enough, which makes them overtired and, therefore, very
hyper. Preschoolers need about 11 –12 hours of sleep. Bedtime should be about 8pm.
· If adults need to eat early, so be it. Or eat appetizer and salad with the child and eat your entrée after the
child is in bed.
Baby Won’t Sleep
Through Night
Q: We
have a 3 month old boy who’s healthy and breastfed with formula supplements.
He usually takes about 6 oz. of formula before bedtime. He sleeps from
11:30 pm to about 4 or 5 am. Then my wife breastfeeds him, and he goes back to sleep. But he
wakes up again in an hour, crying. We’ve been going to his room and picking
him up to soothe him. He falls back asleep pretty easily, but only sleeps for another hour or
less. This pattern goes on repeatedly between 5am to 8 or 9.
How do we get him to sleep all night? My wife’s been reading many books, but finds lots of conflicting
information. Dad, Online in Murfreesboro
A: Keep
in mind is that he’s actually sleeping about 5 hours straight. Most
babies wake up every 3-4 hours. He’s on his way to sleeping all night,
but each baby has its own, unique timetable; it will take a month or two.
There are several things you might consider. If he’s breast fed at 4 or
5 am, he may not be burped enough times before he is put back down. A need to burp can wake him up. Another thing is that babies, just
like adults, need to learn how to put themselves back to sleep when they wake up
during the night. If the need for burping is not the problem, just try
letting him fuss for a while to see if he can learn to go back to sleep.
If he sleeps until at least 7am or 7:30, just get up with him,
and later, have him take a morning nap of an hour or so. (You or Mom could nap too.) As
he gets more active he’ll sleep longer. He
should have about 12 hours total a night, but you want to work on making his
bedtime go from about 8pm to 8am. Don’t
get into the habit of an 11pm bedtime! You
two need time alone in the evening.
If the doctor says it's ok, many babies have a slurpy mix of baby cereal and
formula from the bottle at about 3-4 months. If he has it at supper time,
it may keep him satisfied enough to sleep longer at night. Another thing
that often happens at about 3 months is colic. It doesn’t sound as if
your child has colic, but keep it in mind, and if you think the problem is
getting worse, ask your child's doctor about that possibility.
There's lots of conflicting information in books because children are all unique
and different in their development. What I have given you is advice based
on my experiences and those of many other parents. See more of my advice
in the archives of my columns at www.askevelyn.com
BACK
to SCHOOL
Q: Last
year I saved your column about ways to make it easier for children to adjust to
going back to school, or help prepare them for going to kindergarten, but I lost
it and my child is going to Kindergarten next week! I have mixed feelings of relief and panic. Could you please redo that column? I need ways to make this easier. H. C. Nashville
A: Stay
positive about the coming school experience. If you’re anxious, your child is likely to tune in on it and
"catch" your stress. You want him to be eager to learn and ready for
school, not worried. Here are more tips for parents of brand new school goers, as well as
parents of experienced schoolchildren.
To Retain or Not Retain
in Grade School
Q: I
know that there are many opinions as to whether or not to retain a child.
I’ve been told that it is detrimental to a child’s self esteem to be
retained. Others tell me it would be worse to be “last” in every way
if he goes to the next grade. I have been struggling with this for some time because I believe that I
know what is best for him and I believe he should be held back. Can you
tell me just how damaging it is to a child who is held back in third grade.
Is it something from which a child will never recover? I have to make the decision before school starts. A. G. Online in Nashville
A: This
is truly a tough decision, but I agree that you must make it based on
what YOU know about your child. There are no hard and fast rules on this
issue. It is a very individual issue and depends mostly on the child, the
next teacher he/she will have, and how parents handle the explanation and
transition to the new class. As parents who faced this decision two times ourselves,
we understand your dilemma. (One child skipped first grade; one child was
retained in second grade.)
Here are questions to ask yourself: Does your child have a positive attitude and does he "bounce back" from adversity? Do you think he just needs more time (and less pressure) to mature? Does he thrive on praise? Does he like sports? Will being one of the oldest and largest help him get into sports later? Will his friends remain true?
Here’s the bottom line. If your child will have an excellent teacher who uses positive reinforcement next year, that kind of treatment and ensuing success will be good for his self esteem, not detrimental. Can you try to find out who the teacher will be? It will make your decision easier. Also remember that children are usually more resilient than adults.
You might find two books on this issue very helpful. Check the
library and book stores for "Retention and Its Prevention" and
"Below Grade or Wrong Grade." By Jim Grant. Good luck.
NOTE TO L.L. Your child’s misbehavior is not the only problem. She’s six now; you’d better stop procrastinating! Your job is to teach your child responsibility, self discipline and manners. Start now or it will get worse. Have a family meeting to say you’re starting something new…family meetings, rules and contracting. Make a list of the most important "house rules" together. Plan consequences of misbehavior together. Plan meaningful rewards for improvement together. Write this all down and sign it. Stick to your contract. Be sure to model positive behavior yourselves, and praise her for any and all improvements. Also try to have weekly family fun events, like family game nights, to relieve stress and learn to enjoy each other.
MAKING FRIENDS
Q: My 10 year old child is lonely at school and has very few
friends. In Kindergarten and first
grade I tried to help him to find friends by inviting kids over and speaking to
their mums. Now I feel that I can't keep interfering anymore. I dread his
upcoming fall birthday; maybe no one will want to come.
A: First,
remember that not all children are “outgoing” and that’s ok. Some children prefer just a few close friends. Also, making friends is not a "natural" thing
children are born with. It is a learned skill. Find out if your son
really WANTS to have more friends. If
so, you’ll need to help him learn how to make new friends and keep the old. You can actually teach these “friend making” skills. Practice them at home in the family and with relatives until all the
strategies are comfortable for him..
Reasons for Changing Friendships
Q: I
have a problem with our neighbors and their children. My child has been crying, broken hearted, hearing the laughter from the
pool parties to which she’s not invited. The girl next door is nearly 12 and her brother is nearly 9. Our daughter is nine. These kids have actually been good friends for the past 6 years. The
neighbors have lots of money and their kids lack nothing. They have all the
toys…a big pool, ATV’s, small snowmobiles, etc. The
kids at the pool call my daughter names if she tries to come over there. We live
out of town and her former friendship with the kids next door was convenient and
fun. Now my daughter wants to have a party and not invite them. I don’t know
how to react because I’m so angry. What should I do? Anne Online in TN
A: There’s
nearly a 3 year difference in age between your child and the girl next door.
This wasn’t a big difference when they were younger friends, but now the older
girl is a preteen; she’s starting to think about boys and is getting into peer
groups, gossip and cliques, all of which is normal behavior for that age. Now the three years makes a huge difference!
Even though those last six years were pretty good and certainly
"convenient," it's time for your child to make some new friends or
expand on the friendships she already has. You’ll need to exert some time and
effort, but it will be worth it for your daughter to have other interests and
friends who have similar values to your own.
From what you say, the family next door appears to be pretty materialistic, and
the children seem to be lacking in common courtesy to their neighbors.
They don't seem to value old friendships much, either. Are these the kinds of friends you want your daughter to have? Her
remarks about a way to get even show that their behaviors are already starting
to have a negative influence on her.
This is a crucial time for your child to be getting a solid handle on your
values, and learn that there are more important things to life than pool parties
and material things. She also needs to learn how to make new friends and
have the confidence to do so. She needs to enjoy her other friends and do
things with them like playing board games, eating pizza they help to make, and
staying overnight.
What are your daughter’s interests, talents and hobbies? One of the many
kinds of 4H groups could be an ideal avenue for making new friends. Or try scouts, crafts, gymnastics or horse back riding. Also consider getting her involved in some volunteer experiences. These
would help her learn how great it feels to do things for others instead of
focusing on material possessions. Expand her horizons so she knows there's more
to life than what she sees over that fence
Safe Overnights for Young Girls
Q: Emma is our child’s best friend. They
met in preschool and now they are 9. Though Em’s mother and I are not close
friends, we get along well. We always chat whenever we pick up/drop off
the girls at our houses, which are about 3 miles apart. But Em’s parents
give her a lot more freedom than we give our child, and we are very cautious
about safety. We live in a suburb,
and Emma lives in a large mobile home park. She’s always been allowed to
traipse all over the park unsupervised. Recently
when our child spent a night at Em’s house, they were both allowed to run all
around the trailer park alone. Our child told Em’s mom that she wasn't
allowed to do this at home, but the parent said it was ok to follow their rules
at their home, just as Em does at our house.
A: It may be difficult to talk to the mother, but
you must stick to your values and your concern for your child's safety.
Start by telling her how much you value her friendship and how much you and your
daughter like her and her child. Then explain that you respect her rules for her child, and
surely she understands and respects your rules too. Say that even though
you want the girls to continue visiting and being friends, and that you welcome
her child to stay over anytime, you and your husband cannot allow your own
daughter to spend the night at the trailer park outside in a tent.
Then explain your reasoning. Tell her you are sure she was not aware of
this, but that you have checked the sex offender registry and that some
registered persons are living in the trailer park, which is why you and your
husband do not feel it’s safe for the girls to play out of the mom's sight or
to sleep outside. You hope she understands and that this won't interfere
with the children's friendship. Be pleasant but clear. Good luck with this
sensitive situation.
Q: My three and a half year old son gives me an awful time in the grocery; it’s really embarrassing. He has a tantrum if I don’t give him things he wants and screams his head off. I’ve tried ignoring and also tried giving him treats to keep him quiet, but that doesn’t work for long. Sometimes a friend and I take turns babysitting for each other on shopping days, but that doesn’t always work either. There must be a better way, please help. D. T. Online in Nashville
A: Keep trying to trade off baby sitting and grocery shopping if at all possible, and try not to go shopping when you or your child are really tired or hungry. A hungry, tired child will be even more demanding, and a tired parent is likely to give in to demands instead of using strategies to stop misbehavior.
Next, try contracting instead of bribery. When you take “goodies” along to give your child to “keep him quiet” you are probably giving him a treat AFTER he starts the tantrum. This means you are bribing him to stop misbehaving and you are rewarding the “bad” behavior. The way the child sees it is that if he misbehaves, he gets a treat. He will simply repeat the screaming tantrum to get another treat.
Contracting is like grandma’s rule to do the chores first and then have a cookie. Talk with your child before entering the store about the behavior you want. Explain that if he behaves and does NOT demand things or scream or have a tantrum, his good behavior will be rewarded after you are done shopping. You can decide together on the reward, whether it is a walk in the park or ice cream or another treat. Stick to your contract! If he starts misbehaving remind him only once of the contract you made together.
If he misbehaves, no reward; ignore him. If he does behave, he gets a reward.
Contracts reward the child for good behavior, and bribery rewards the child for bad behavior. Children repeat the behaviors for which that are rewarded.
Also involve your son in the shopping by having him learn
where the cereals are, or the fruits and the vegetables. Let him help pick out some of the foods on your list. Say things like, “Shall we get grapes, oranges or strawberries?” so
that you maintain some control of his choices.
Q: I’m raising my grandson and he’s doing pretty well in first grade, but his teacher says he seems unsure of himself and lacks confidence. He’s a wonderful kid and I’m sure I tell him several times a day that he’s wonderful or that he’s done a good job on his chores or homework. Does he need even more praise? Grandma Jean Online
A: Maybe he needs just a little different kind of praise than he’s getting. Sometimes “wonderful” and good job” do not tell a child enough about what you really think and feel. He needs to know exactly what you mean when you praise him. The old classic “Between Teacher and Child” by Dr. Haim Ginott explains the perils of general praise and explains the importance of descriptive praise
The words “You’re a good girl,” or “That’s a really nice picture” and “Good job” say very little that is really meaningful to a child, and often, after hearing these phrases repeatedly, children either doubt them or ignore them. To be meaningful, praise must describe and explain. We need to give children information about what we like or appreciate and why.
For example how would you like it if your spouse said every night after dinner, “Good job” and absolutely nothing else. What if after every single romantic evening he said “That was great!” What if people came to your special dinner party and said nothing but “Good job, Jean.” Wouldn’t you want to know what they liked and why they liked it, or if they noticed your special spices in the sauce? Children too, want to know more about what you like or notice.
Take time when you praise your grandson to describe and explain. “You are really working hard on that school assignment. You are really getting good at concentrating on your work, and that makes me really proud.” “Your room looks spanking clean. That shows me you took your time and did a careful job. Thanks. That makes me happy.”
Try to look for ways to praise him for just being himself…for being loveable regardless of achievements. But also praise him for being capable and competent. Children need to feel both loveable and capable. And of course, they will repeat behaviors for which they are praised!!
Remember, too, that your grandson loves your company but he also needs some good friends to do things with. Have him invite a friend or two over at least once a week. Try playing family games with the boys. Nothing beats snacks and family games and laughter to make everyone feel great.Q: Our oldest son is 10 and in 5th grade. He has really been testing us lately. He is become defiant. For example I ask him to get out of the car and he says no. I say we need to go now, get out of the car. "No". This past week he was arguing with his younger brother who is eight and hit him very hard with a wiffle ball bat. They have always had disagreements and they do become physical with each other, but this was too much. I usually try to see if they can work it out but sometimes I have to step in. Our family consists of me and my husband, the two older boys, and two preschoolers; a boy age 4 and a girl age 2. We have only spanked our boys a few times. Do I need to be concerned or is this part of pre-teen stuff? Lisa in Memphis
A: You
need to nip this behavior now, in the bud, before it gets worse. Yes it is
part of the pre teen drive for independence, but independence does not have to
include hurtful or aggressive behavior. Explain
that although you will let him make many choices that he can handle, some daily
choices are for the good of the family and his own good and only you as parents
have the right and responsibility to make those choices.
Try to discuss with your husband the possibility of having regular family
meetings once a week in which you discuss the rules of the house and rules for
behavior. You could do this after
you put the youngest one to bed. Keep
the list of rules at your first meeting short; choose what is most important. Let the kids help decide the wording and the consequences of breaking
rules, and the rewards for good behavior that helps the family. But you make the final decisions. Then write up the agreement and
have everyone sign it. At the end
of the meeting, have everyone share one good thing they saw someone doing that
is helpful to the family. (Lead the applause) After a week, review how it
worked out and modify the agreement if needed.
Be sure to look for ways to praise him, and although this might be hard at
first, keep looking. Praise is very
important in getting children of any age to repeat good behaviors. Try to
stay positive. Do something fun
with all the kids once a week, like a family game night for 1 1/2 hours playing
board games, having snacks and enjoying each other. (You could even do
this after the family meeting) Good Luck.
Potty Training Tips for
Young Boy
Q: We have a 31 month old son and a 1 yr old daughter. Our
son is resisting potty training and lately he’s been saying "James is a
baby" a lot. I know he's not quite ready to potty train, but he's
very verbal, so we explain what is expected of him and what the consequences
will be if he doesn't. For example, he has to clean himself up when he
dirties his underwear. He hates
sitting on the potty and whenever I say he’s big and needs to start using the
potty, he says "no." We keep the potty in the living room, where we
all play and read, but our son and daughter use it as a toy, putting other toys
in the base and drag or carry it around. Should
we put it back in the bathroom? We also have a child's potty seat to put
on the adult toilet, but it moves and jiggles too much, so we don’t use it. Can you give me any suggestions? S. G. Online in TN
A: I think your son is reacting and responding in a very normal way for his age.
One, he’s a little jealous of the baby and all the attention she gets,
especially now that she’s saying her first words and taking her first steps.
He thinks he'd like to be a baby again, too, (which may be why he says he's a
baby) and this may also slow down his interest in potty training. Try to
spend more "alone time" or quality time with him when the baby is napping.
Two, remember that he is only 3. Most boys are not fully potty trained until at
least age 3 and a half. His behavior is not surprising. Read Vicki
Lansky's book on "Toilet Training" which has been a classic for 20
years, is available in most bookstores and libraries, and is now available in
video. It deals with the physiology involved in potty training, and gives
practical details and hints about what to expect, say and do. Stop giving him long explanations about logical consequences at his age. Just say clearly what you do expect and praise him when he does it.
Three, would you like to have your potty in the living room where you all
play and read? Some children are more sensitive about privacy than others,
and perhaps your son is one of them. In addition, it’s important for our
children to learn about personal hygiene as well as the places in our homes
where it is appropriate to address those needs. Having the potty in the
living room (or using it in ways for which it is not intended) may be creative
but it is not good modeling. (And yes, the rather unstable potty on top of the
toilet is usually scary to children and not conducive to easy potty training. Get a good one.)
Save Headstart
Q: . I heard they're planning to dismantle Head Start (one of
the only government programs that WORK) and put it into the Dept. of Education,
letting each state (public school people) run it. What a disaster! Head Start
has been successful for 37 years, so if it "ain't broke" why
"fix" it? I also heard
that they want Head Start children to read before they are 5, which is totally
inappropriate for most 5's (I'm a teacher) and will cause frustration and damage
self esteem in most children, except for a few who learn to read on their own
anyway. I was in Head Start and
they did far more than teach me letters! I
was ready for school in every way, and eager to learn. Head Start also helped my mom get new skills and a good job, gave us health education, and taught us how to be involved with our
children's education. Parent
involvement is a key to children's success in school. Public schools never made me feel welcome as a parent. Making Head Start a public school type program is a mistake! What do you think? R.B.O. Memphis
A:
I agree. I often do
curriculum training for Head Start programs, and have written several books for
early education teachers. I often
work with other consultants to review Head Start programs to make sure they are
complying with the high standards of the Federal guidelines, which, by the way,
have influenced improvements in the quality of early education in every state!
I've worked with over 400 Head Start programs in 26 states,
and I've seen that Head Start, now within the Dept. of Health and Human
Services, IS working well, and is constantly improving its educational
standards. These programs run on no
frills budgets; they teach children comprehensive skills and strengthen
families. I fear that the Dept. of
Education and the states might damage Head Start, not improve it.
Research has proven that Head Start accomplishes its goals
and that the children it serves are less likely to drop out of school or need
special education and retention. Learn
more on the national Head Start web site, www.NHSA.org. Here are a few more facts:
* Head Start has enormous, long standing, and effective networking systems in every community to provide training to parents and staff and to serve children and families without duplication of services.
* Many qualified parents are hired as aides, cooks, secretaries and bus drivers. This gets them off welfare, provides a career path, and encourages further education.
* Each Head Start program serves special needs and handicapped children. It also does daily individualized teaching of educational and life skills to meet the needs of each and every child.
* Head Start's quality standards are consistent across the country; in the hands of each state, consistent standards are unlikely.
* Head Start's educational priorities are taken very seriously and include daily experiences in literacy, creative problem solving, math and science, as well as physical skills, social skills, ecology and anti bias. Children are prepared to be readers and life long learners through active hands on learning, not rote. If you want to keep it that way, write to Congress. Feel free to send them this column.
Q: I'm
a dad who travels a lot and am often gone weekdays. With the recent shuttle tragedy as well as 911, our young children (4 and
7) are even more anxious when I'm gone and have trouble sleeping. What can I do to help? Dad
Online in Memphis.
A:
Many
parents are in your situation and share your concern. One thing to remember is that being in control of your fears is a
reassuring feeling. When children
can put their fears into words and describe them in various ways to others, it
helps them to regain control. Your
children need to know that all their feelings are important to you and that it's
okay to feel afraid and talk about it.
Drawing or painting what's scary may help
your children, especially if they can talk about the creations. It's also a good thing to write down their words as they
describe their fears. Keeping a
daily journal is also helpful for older children and adults. Knowing that you have fears and hearing what you do about them will also
help your children. The more
familiar they become with their own feelings and the more they can talk about
them with you and receive your reassurance, the easier it will be to control the
fears.
Your children may also worry that when you
go away you won't come back. With
what is going on in today's world you will want to be especially aware of their
need for security. Let them know
where you are at all times. Send
email and call them when you're apart and give lots of attention and hugs when
you're together.
Tangible tokens of your love like family
photos that they can keep at home and school will help. A surprise balloon in their closet can help break the anxiety, just like
notes they might find in surprising places, or "lucky" stones that
each of you can carry or keep under your pillow.
This is Valentines Day, but for the children
of the astronauts who were lost there will be little joy or celebration. We should all remember how our lives can change in an instant.
This is why we should think of ways to show our love all year long
in those little ways that mean so much to children. Giving them Valentine candy or presents can never mean as much to them as
giving them your time and attention.
Children, even when they are grown, will remember the simple things you did together, like playing in the snow, watching the night sky, playing games together, baking cookies, telling stories and taking walks. It is in these moments…these small snatches of time… that strong relationships and memories that last forever are made. Kids will understand your love and reassurance better from what you do with them than the words you say.
Q: Our daughter is six and is a really good student
in terms of academic abilities. She
reads very well and is good at math. She
plays piano and is also in gymnastics. That said, she has trouble focusing. But maybe that is normal for a six year old. What should we expect from a just turned six year old? Worrying Dad in Nashville
A:
Most six year olds need time to do nothing. They need time to reflect and to process all the many new things they are
learning. They need time to relax, be spontaneous and have fun. They need “down time” to balance with “work” time. As adults we need these same things, but young children need it more,
just as they need more sleep than we do.
Your child also seems to be an achiever, and they are often
very hard on themselves. They often become perfectionists and workaholics and never
get the peaceful time they need to fully develop in all the other areas of their
lives. Trying to be best or to be
competent in many things means lots of pressure.
She is both playing piano and doing gymnastics, both of which
are difficult and structured. (My
husband is a pianist and believes that children should have fun experimenting
with the piano but should wait for formal lessons until about age eight.) Perhaps you should observe your daughter and evaluate her time to see how
much spontaneous fun is occurring in her week, versus structure.
Playing family games together would be good for her and all of
you. It’s relaxing, enjoyable,
makes you laugh together, and takes only a couple of hours a week. It also teaches many educational and important life skills without anyone
being aware of it. She’s only
six. This year and next are your best windows of opportunity for
her to know and enjoy you as people and form strong bonds with you that will
allow her to come to you with any problem in the future.
Try to have family game night or other family fun once a week, or let her have sleepovers with friends on weekends. More fun will reduce the pressure. My advice is to enjoy her more and worry less about her focus. She has lots of time to develop that, but in only a few years she will prefer having fun with friends instead of her parents.
Q: My
13 year old daughter is very shy. She has very few friends and seems to be
rejected or unnoticed by the majority of her peers. She is a very
pretty girl and is an "A" student. I feel strongly that her shyness is holding her back from participating
in things and reaching her full potential. However, when I try to talk to
her about her shyness she gets on the defensive and says I am criticizing her.
How can I help her to overcome her shyness, when she won't acknowledge that she
has a problem and doesn't seem to care? J.J. Online in Memphis
A:
Although your daughter may really want and need peer
relationships, she may only want a few REAL friends. If so, urging her to
be outgoing and have lots of friends is a losing battle. Instead, help her
find just one or two real friends with like interests. Get her involved in
something that fits her talents and interests, like an art class, gymnastics, a
swim club, a book club, or 4H or a chess club or a Drama club or Spanish
club...you know what I mean. You may even want to get her involved in some type
of volunteer work that she feels is meaningful, or an issue about which she
wants to be an advocate.
There she will find one or two people who are intelligent and who share
her interests and with whom she can form a close friendship. Our daughter
is 45 now and still has that one special friend (they met in swimming class) who
lives across the US but with whom she corresponds and visits. Neither of
these girls ever liked pettiness, gossip, or talking about boys and clothes.
Accept your daughter’s uniqueness and help her keep it while she finds
friends.
Q: We
have two boys, age 9 and 7. We’ve provided them with everything they need and
more. We’ve tried to instill the value of money. We don't buy them everything they want; they had to save
their own money to buy some things. They
get an allowance when they behave. But
they've still become spoiled and we don't know what to do about it. How can we "unspoil" them so that they will learn to appreciate
everything they've got? Susan Online in TN
A:
If
you carefully consider what you’ve done and not done and are completely honest
with yourselves, you may find that you should have made
them responsible for earning even more of the “goodies” they want. You may find that in spite of the fact that you believe in the work ethic
and delayed gratification, you may still have given your boys what they wanted
when they wanted it more often than was wise.
It’s up to parents to teach children life skills and values. Learning how to
earn and save for what you want and wait for it is a real world life skill your
kids will need. Keep trying to teach them this skill. Be firm and consistent and explain your reasons. Most importantly, teach them the difference between wants and needs. This will get more difficult in the future when peer pressure is greater,
so do as much as possible now.
About allowances. People who live under a roof together should help each other because it’s a privilege to be part of a family team. Responsibilities always go hand in hand with privileges. Cleaning up after ourselves regarding clothing, toys, and dishes doesn’t deserve a paycheck. We should be responsible for our own behavior because it’s the right thing to do. Children should be able to earn money, however, for doing “extra” or more difficult chores, like washing the car, cleaning the garage, weeding gardens or washing windows.
Get more ideas from
these books: "A Penny Saved" by Neale Godfrey (Simon & Schuster),
“Kids, Money and Values,” by Patricia S. Estes and Irving Barocas (Betterway
Books) and “Teaching Your Children Values” by Linda and Richard Eyre
(Fireside).
You can also do several other things to make sure your boys aren’t self
absorbed and self centered. Make sure to give them descriptive praise every
time they do something extra to help within your own family group, or
whenever they do something helpful for relatives and neighbors. Children learn your values and repeat these kinds of behaviors if they
get praise for them.
In addition, find a way for your family to do some volunteer work. Your kids
might be able to help serve the homeless meal once a month at church, or help
out at the humane society, or join a 4H or Scout group that does things to help
children see more of the world outside of themselves. This will help them
begin to understand the big picture of life, and learn to be less egocentric
Q: Our
12 year old son is a wonderful, intelligent young man! After a
successful year in 6th grade, his grades have plummeted in 7th. There’s no
learning disability; he can be an A or B student, but he is almost failing. The teachers agree he's a bright, well behaved boy who just refuses to do
the work! Arguments about grades and homework dominate our home life - We
need suggestions. Myrna and Joe Online
A:
Sudden
changes of this kind should be thoroughly checked out. First, make sure there is no physical problem. Consider getting him a complete physical to be sure his health is okay. Also consider the friends he is hanging out with. Have them over,
and get acquainted with them (and their parents if possible) just to make sure
it is not negative peer pressure of some kind.
Reflect on what you already know about your son. Maybe it’s time to find out more. Ask him about his long term goals. What are his interests? What are his talents? What kinds of
interests did he have in the past? Listen carefully and don’t interrupt
him. Then try to tie his talent or interest to his short term goals in school.
He needs to understand ways that the work he does now will make a difference
later in allowing him to reach a goal or pursue an interest.
I once had a letter from parents about a high school boy who was unmotivated,
but who wanted to be a pilot. The parents helped him find out about the
entrance requirements at the training school he wanted to attend. He found
that his grade point average was not high enough to attend that school, so they
did the math to find out what grades he would need in the next two years to
actually achieve the required point average. He buckled down and actually
reached his goal. The parents wrote to me later to tell me he got into the
training program he wanted.
Many students do not see how school work ties in to their future. Sometimes an alternative education program at the school can help, such
as in programs where students have jobs for a half day and regular school a half
day. They discover they can actually USE school work at their "real"
job. Your son needs both positive motivation and encouragement
Q: There's a 4 year old boy in my preschool classroom who gets excited as he speaks and sometimes repeats syllables or has trouble getting out words. This isn't stuttering, but I know it could develop into stuttering if adults do the wrong things. My staff and I are patient; we listen carefully and don't say words for him or finish his sentences or say "slow down." His mother, however, who volunteers in our room, does all these things, and it's making her son feel even more nervous about his speech. How can I help this mom understand that she's making matters worse? M.T. Nashville
A:
You
and the staff are doing the right things and providing good modeling that will
help the mom after she understands more about stuttering and its causes. Reassure
her when you talk to her. Explain
that concerns about speech can sometimes be unhelpful, even when parents mean
well and want the best for the child. Lots
of parents become so anxious about a child's speech that they actually do
exactly the things that make matters worse. Share
the following information with her.
In a recent survey The National Stuttering Foundation found
that nearly 90% of parents with children who were beginning to stutter
occasionally said to "slow down and relax." This made children feel
they were doing something wrong, which increased both their nervousness and
their stuttering. 33% of those
surveyed said they corrected their children's words and finished their sentences
for them, not realizing that this made matters worse.
Children who are potential stutterers are very sensitive to
adult impatience and frustration; it makes them feel like failures. Their
concerns to "do it right" create uptight feelings that are
"roadblocks" in their ability to express their thoughts through
speech. Patient, attentive listening is crucial in helping children get past
these road blocks. Paying attention (a form of praise and reinforcement) to what
the child is thinking and saying instead of the way he is saying it is
vital. Adults should talk slowly,
modeling calm, relaxed conversation.
Help this mom by going to www.stutteringhelp.org to read and print out helpful information. Tell her to try to stop worrying and use the free resources from the web site. Free videos are available that you can show at parent meetings, as well as brochures for teachers and parents, like "If You Think Your Child Is Stuttering: 7 Ways to Help." Parents can receive this brochure free by calling 800-992-9392. You should also know that 5,500 libraries keep Stuttering Foundation videos and books on hand.
Q: We have 18 month old twin girls. They know how to use a spoon and fork but
would rather hold it in one hand while using their other hand to scoop up the
food. When they do use their utensils we give them lots of praise. They dump
food off their plates at every meal and want to just play with the plates. Cups,
they mostly just want to shake and dump. Is this normal behavior at this
age or should I be able to expect them to eat without dumping everything? If
by this age they should be eating in a more civilized manner, please give me
some tips on how to make that happen.
A: What your twins are doing is fairly common. It's the way most toddlers handle food and utensils at this point.
Please don't expect too much of them; they don't have the eye hand coordination
yet to handle forks and spoons safely and well. Instead, let them have a
variety of nutritious finger foods (small pieces of cheese, fruit, dry cereal,
soft meat or cooked vegetables) so they can gain the practice in the eye hand
coordination that they need. Put only a small amount of finger food on the tray at one
time.
Spoons for oatmeal (instead of dry cereal)
may work for them some of the time, but don't worry about them spilling some of
it or giving up. Letting them have dry cereal and sippy cups for the milk
that goes with the cereal works, too, at this age. If they want to dump the sippy cup, don't give them any milk until they
are done with the cereal and are thirsty.
You may find it helpful to go online to see
what to expect from this age group. You
could also read the inexpensive, classic books by Francis Ilg and Louise Bates
Ames about what to expect from your one year old, your two year old and so on up
to age 8. These can be found in libraries, good book stores, and at
amazon.com. If you know what is normal for the age range, you won't be
unnecessarily over anxious.
Focus on the abilities they do have and
praise them for those abilities. Continue
to encourage self help in dressing and undressing, even though that is a skill
they are just beginning to learn and won't be mastered until the next year of
two. Continue to model good eating habits, but don't worry too much about their
unusual methods at this point.
Make the meal time relaxed, calm and as pleasant at possible and enjoy conversations with others at the table. Your toddlers need to see the meal time as a social event between family members, which it really is. Save your energy to prepare for the bigger power struggles you will encounter in their second year.
Q: My husband and I
occasionally use profanity in front of our children but we're trying to stop. Our 13-year-old daughter, however, swears openly, freely, and a LOT. When she swears our consequences are consistent. (no computer, tv, phone,
etc.). She says that if it's okay
for my husband and I to swear then so can she. I tell her that I can also
legally smoke, drive a car and vote, but that doesn't mean she can. Am I expecting too much? What kind of discipline would work? A.L. Memphis
A: No, you're not expecting too much by wanting her to stop using foul
language, especially at her age. But
it would be easier for you to change that behavior if you take away her excuse,
and stop swearing yourselves, even though it's difficult. Kids learn most from our modeling.
Your point that she's not "of age" is weak
because you really don't want profanity to be part of her life long behavior and
are even trying to stop swearing yourselves. You know how easy it is for profanity to pop out and mess things up and
you also know that the longer the habit continues the harder it will be to
break. So be creative and try some
different techniques; you have nothing to lose and it can't hurt to try. Try a combination of meaningful rewards, diffusing the source of her
behavior, and good modeling.
Rewards: Children
change bad behaviors quicker when they are rewarded for improvements. Work together to make a log of the times she most frequently "loses
it" and swears, and plan a reward if she can keep from swearing during
those times. Make this into a
"contract" for getting the behavior you want to actually happen. When she exercises self discipline, she gets a reward.
It might be to earn back the things you have taken away, or
money for her savings account; it could be a special event with friends for
which she needs to earn a number of points. Decide on a meaningful reward together; write up and sign the contract. Try it for a week and then discuss any changes that should be made. As she improves, make the contract time related; tie a reward into each
day with no swearing.
Diffusing the Source: Have her friends over to the house at least once a week, and casually
make it clear that in your house, no profanity is acceptable. Have fun playing board games, eating snacks, baking cookies, etc. so her
friends will want to visit. Your
daughter is now experiencing peer pressure to swear; this strategy may diffuse the pressure and make it
easier for her to improve.
Q: How do you keep a 6 year old in her bed at night? My daughter wakes during the night and comes into our bed. Otherwise my wife has to go into her bed. It is quite disruptive and my wife is exhausted. We have tried a few things, like gold stars, but nothing works. Any suggestions? J.D. Online in Nashville
A:
Many
parents have this problem, mostly because they didn't set up a consistent
bedtime routine when the child was a toddler. Setting up a predictable routine,
(making it a pattern or habit) and sticking to it makes going to bed and staying
in bed easy. Let me clarify for anyone who reads this that this is NOT a
"family bed" issue, because you clearly want the child to stay in her
own bed, and your wife in yours.
Since your child is six, you can explain that this behavior must stop.
Tell her you need your sleep because you both work hard all day. Children and parents need 8 or more hours of sleep at night to stay
healthy and happy. Her interruption is making you all lose sleep, which
will increase the possibilities of catching colds or flu, or be cross with each
other. Having a good night's sleep makes you feel good and be happier.
Being happier helps all of you get along better.
After you explain the reasons that the behavior must stop, ask her to help you
think of ways she can keep herself in her own bed. Tell her that each and
every person has to learn how to go to sleep on their own, and go BACK to sleep
when we wake up in the night. Some
children learn how to go back to sleep when they are babies and others learn it
later, but we all learn it. Some
children need to sleep with a special stuffed toy or doll, or have a night
light, or sleep with a pet. Some even have to listen to the sounds of
music or nature.
Discuss the possibilities and see what she wants to try, but tell her that that
if she wakes, NOT to come wake you up. Instead she should try one of her
methods and tell you in the morning if it helped her go back to sleep. If
it did, put a star on the calendar. After
a complete week of stars, she could have a reward you decide on together.
Another tip: Be sure her bedtime and the routine she follows before bed is consistent each night, and don't allow her to drink soda or large amounts of fluid before bed. If the first things you try together don't work, you can try something else...but don't go back to the habit you are creating by letting her wake you up each night.
Q: I have a step daughter who is almost 7. She
sleeps with a special blanket and pillow at
both houses. Her father and I don't have a problem with it, except we
think her mother is escalating the attachment by stressing that the daughter
can't go to sleep without them. She
also sleeps with her mother sometimes. What do you think about this? Lori
On Line
A: Many children continue needing a "security object" during the
early school
years, but as they start relating to other children and having friends over and
going to friend's homes overnight, they usually give up these objects or change
them to a stuffed animal of some kinds. Read her the book "Ira Sleeps
Over," and suggest that her mom read it as well.
You can't do much about what happens in the other home. The family bed is
a
controversial and value-laden issue among many parents. Personally, I
think it's best to have one's very own space to sleep and to also enjoy
sleepovers with other kids. Maybe you can encourage her to have friends
overnight at your own home, and this may help her start the process of changing
her security object and/or sleep space at the other home.
Q: I live in Zurich, Germany and have a 21 month old son who is very active. He's well behaved at home, but I am finding it very difficult to handle him outside. He gets off the stroller and wants to run around. He has no sense of safety. I have tried telling him patiently, but he doesn't listen. I am panting and sweating by the time we move from Place A to B. Today I even resorted to spanking as I could not handle him trying to get out of his stroller in the middle of a road. Please advice as to whether I should get him a harness or make him stay in the stroller with some periods of walking around? I feel incapable as a parent. I don't want to sit at home all the time, and I'm afraid that I'll start resenting him if I have to restrict all my movements. I was a high flying career woman before this, but it was very much a planned pregnancy and I love my son! It's just that I'm feeling so overwhelmed. Is this a disciplinary issue or is it a very normal phase which he will outgrow? VeeJee Online in Zurich
A:
Your
son's behavior is normal for a 21 month old, but he seems to be very, very
active. I would use the combination of a harness for safe walking as well
as the stroller with a seat belt. You
need to save your sanity and not get worn out, so make it clear to him that
climbing out or running around is NOT approved behavior. If he knows that he cannot go out with you unless he behaves,
he will probably try harder.
Your son, however, is not mature enough to listen or understand explanations
about safety. Adult explanations
are usually far to abstract for children of 1-3, who are, at these ages,
learning only through concrete experiences, their senses and your modeling.
The fewer words you use the better at this age.
Examples: "No. You cannot do this. No. No running.
We are outside, so you must stay in the stroller. You must stay close to
me."
This strategy will keep him safe and let him know that there are rules and
limits and that you (not he) are in charge and you set those limits. This
will also (even if he fights it for a time) make him feel more secure;
children this age need consistent routines, rituals and predictable limits.
If they don't have them, their behavior often gets more hectic and chaotic.
Try these strategies so that you start to set habits and patterns in place that
are in his (and your) best interest.
If he is not responding to your consistent and structured approach over the next
few months, perhaps you need to get him a thorough physical to see if there is a
problem like ADHD, for which he could receive treatment. Just don't jump to that conclusion without trying other methods first.
Q: Regarding your column of Nov.22 about the 2 and 7 year olds. Having raised 4 girls,
I second your opinion about what the 7 and 2 1/2 year old needed. We went through that same kind of thing in our family with our daughter's
nearly 4 year old and their 1 year old. Being a grandparent, I spoke up,
and my daughter started doing what you advised about ignoring tantrums and
giving attention where it was needed. The other grandmother and I also
started giving more attention to the older child. I always made a point of
greeting and hugging her first, then asking her who that little boy is.
"Oh, that's my little brother," she would say, proudly. Then I'd
ask her if she thought it would be okay to give him a hug. That is all it took
for a week or so and then she was fine, no more grouching and sulking.
As for the little
one in your column that was throwing temper fits. I went through that with my
toddlers, too, like most of us. They
were just doing what two's do. When they did that, I went down in the
floor with them, kicked, screamed and made faces too. That surprised them
and they hushed almost instantly and went about their playing. Not very
dignified for an adult, I admit, but I even enjoyed it and still do it with
my grandkids occasionally. They say I'm a silly grandma. Oh well, whatever
works. Keep up your good work. Grandma in Arkansas, enjoying
your columns.
A: Thanks! It's great to know I am helping someone. I can certainly relate to what you did about tantrums. When our two preschoolers, a year apart, would fight, sometimes I'd grab a colander or a pot and put it on my head and would sit up on the kitchen counter and stare at them. It stopped the fight dead...and we could talk about the problem after we quit laughing.
Parents need to remember that humor and laughter are great tools for diffusing negative energy. Humor and laughter not only relieve stress but they truly help create memories and bonds between parents and kids. Perhaps one of our New Year Resolutions should be to take the time to stop and enjoy spontaneous moments of fun in our interactions with children. All too often most of our conversations with our kids sound like lecturing or "taking care of business." Let's do more listening and less talking AT them this year, and let's remember that a sense of humor can be a valuable embellishment to our parent roles.
For more creative ideas about parenting young children, see my books "Growing Creative Kids" and "Growing Responsible Kids" (McGraw-Hill, $11) on my web site www.askevelyn.com You can order them online or with a phone call.
Q: It seems there is more Christmas stress this year than ever. We have two preschoolers, I'm not done shopping, and we will have lots of family company soon. I feel overwhelmed. Any tips? M.J. Online in Nashville
A:
If
you have preschoolers, (even if you don't) and want to have a perfectly clean
house, perfect decorations, perfect meals, perfect gifts and perfectly behaved
children you are setting yourself up for disaster. Having unrealistic expectations is probably what is causing
the stress. Stop!
Step back and remember what you loved about Christmas as a
child. The fun of being together is
what's most important. When the
kids grow up they won't remember your clean house and perfect meals and
decorations. They'll remember the
fun and love you shared together. They
will remember playing games with you and the company, and enjoying candlelight
and music. Remember that your
relatives and friends are coming to see and enjoy being with you, they aren't
going to evaluate you or compare you with Martha.
* Look at the days you have left and make some practical adjustments and realistic goals. Cut down that list. Buy some of your cookies at a bake sale instead of making them. Get your spouse involved in the shopping and the gift wrapping.
* Let the children know ahead when company's coming. Before the event, clarify your expectations with a few simple rules. You can even practice by acting out what to do at a special dinner ahead of time.
* Keep it simple, whether it's meals, decorations or gifts. Remember some of the best gifts for kids are the simplest…like their very own tablets of colored paper and new crayons, play dough you make yourself, their own safe scissors and tape, their own small squeeze flashlights, stickers, masking tape, glue, rubber stamps and ink pads, and maybe even a gold fish or a magnifying glass. These simple gifts (like good children's books) nurture creativity and thinking skills and have lasting power, not battery power.
* Find your sense of humor; it's the greatest stress reliever in the world. When we see some of the inevitable holiday problems as funny, it helps take the edge off.
Reactivate your funny bone with these excerpts from
"Yes Virginia You Can Survive the Holidays" by Kathy Peel and Judie
Byrd in a 1991 Family Focus magazine.
* The time it takes to find a parking space is inversely proportional to time spent shopping. And the other line always moves faster.
* Interchangeable parts won't be. Unassembled gifts will have twice as many screws as you expect and some parts will be left over.
* When a broken toy is demonstrated to the store return clerk it will work perfectly.
* Amnesia strikes all family members when the scissors and tape cannot be found.
* The more expensive a gift, the better your chances are of dropping it.
* Children have built in detection devices to find gifts you've cleverly hidden.
Q: Regarding your column of Nov.22 about the 2 and 7 year olds. Having raised 4 girls, I second your opinion about what the 7 and 2 1/2 year old needed. We went through that same kind of thing in our family with our daughter's nearly 4 year old and their 1 year old. Being a grandparent, I spoke up, and my daughter started doing what you advised about ignoring tantrums and giving attention where it was needed. The other grandmother and I also started giving more attention to the older child. I always made a point of greeting and hugging her first, then asking her who that little boy is. "Oh, that's my little brother," she would say, proudly. Then I'd ask her if she thought it would be okay to give him a hug. That is all it took for a week or so and then she was fine, no more grouching and sulking.
A: As for the little one in your column that was throwing temper fits. I went through that with my toddlers, too, like most of us. They were just doing what two's do. When they did that, I went down in the floor with them, kicked, screamed and made faces too. That surprised them and they hushed almost instantly and went about their playing. Not very dignified for an adult, I admit, but I even enjoyed it and still do it with my grandkids occasionally. They say I'm a silly grandma. Oh well, whatever works. Keep up your good work. Grandma in Arkansas, enjoying your columns.
Q: Thanks! It's great to know I am helping someone. I can certainly relate to what you did about tantrums. When our two preschoolers, a year apart, would fight, sometimes I'd grab a colander or a pot and put it on my head and would sit up on the kitchen counter and stare at them. It stopped the fight dead...and we could talk about the problem after we quit laughing.
A: Parents need to remember that humor and laughter are great tools for diffusing negative energy. Humor and laughter not only relieve stress but they truly help create memories and bonds between parents and kids. Perhaps one of our New Year Resolutions should be to take the time to stop and enjoy spontaneous moments of fun in our interactions with children. All too often most of our conversations with our kids sound like lecturing or "taking care of business." Let's do more listening and less talking AT them this year, and let's remember that a sense of humor can be a valuable embellishment to our parent roles.
For more creative ideas about parenting young children, see my books "Growing Creative Kids" and "Growing Responsible Kids" (McGraw-Hill, $11) on my web site www.askevelyn.com You can order them online or with a phone call.
Q: There's a 4 year old boy in my preschool classroom who gets excited as he speaks and sometimes repeats syllables or has trouble getting out words. This isn't stuttering, but I know it could develop into stuttering if adults do the wrong things. My staff and I are patient; we listen carefully and don't say words for him or finish his sentences or say "slow down." His mother, however, who volunteers in our room, does all these things, and it's making her son feel even more nervous about his speech. How can I help this mom understand that she's making matters worse? M.T. Nashville
A:
You
and the staff are doing the right things and providing good modeling that will
help the mom after she understands more about stuttering and its causes. Reassure
her when you talk to her. Explain
that concerns about speech can sometimes be unhelpful, even when parents mean
well and want the best for the child. Lots
of parents become so anxious about a child's speech that they actually do
exactly the things that make matters worse. Share
the following information with her.
In a recent survey The National Stuttering
Foundation found that nearly 90% of parents with children who were beginning to
stutter occasionally said to "slow down and relax." This made children
feel they were doing something wrong, which increased both their nervousness and
their stuttering. 33% of those
surveyed said they corrected their children's words and finished their sentences
for them, not realizing that this made matters worse.
Children who are potential stutterers are
very sensitive to adult impatience and frustration; it makes them feel like
failures. Their concerns to
"do it right" create uptight feelings that are "roadblocks"
in their ability to express their thoughts through speech. Patient, attentive
listening is crucial in helping children get past these road blocks. Paying attention (a form of praise and reinforcement) to what
the child is thinking and saying instead of the way he is saying it is
vital. Adults should talk slowly,
modeling calm, relaxed conversation.
Help this mom by going to www.stutteringhelp.org to read and print out helpful information. Tell her to try to stop worrying and use the free resources from the web site. Free videos are available that you can show at parent meetings, as well as brochures for teachers and parents, like "If You Think Your Child Is Stuttering: 7 Ways to Help." Parents can receive this brochure free by calling 800-992-9392. You should also know that 5,500 libraries keep Stuttering Foundation videos and books on hand.
Q: My 7 yr old's father is not her biological dad, and she is asking questions about things like who she looks like and why she has blue eyes. When is a good time to tell her the truth and how? Her biological dad wants nothing to do with her (we don't communicate) and he hasn't seen her for 3yrs. She may be angry about him now and I don't know what to do. K.P. Online in Arkansas
A:
Since
she is showing an interest now, the best time to talk about this is NOW.
You need to reassure her that it's okay to talk about her feelings and about her
dad. Keeping questions and what she is feeling bottled up inside is
causing anger and some confusion. This is not good for her or for your
relationship.
If you want an ongoing, open relationship with your daughter that continues over
the years, she needs to feel that she can talk to you about anything, and you
need to be there for her to listen whenever she needs you. Take time to talk
with her as soon as possible and make sure you do it in a setting that's relaxed
and uninterrupted.
Tell her you feel that she wants to talk about her dad, and that it's okay.
Let go of your own feelings of anger and old hurts and really listen to her.
She actually knows the answer to why she has blue eyes, but you could show her
some pictures of your relatives on her biological dad's side. Just say we
inherit our eye and hair color just as do all humans and other mammals.
Even flowers and vegetables inherit traits from the mother plants that produced
them.
You'll respond appropriately if you listen to her feelings behind the words.
Reassure her that her father and you did care for each other once, and that some
of your memories are good ones. Even
if these are few, we should cherish good memories because they are a part of us.
And emphasize that the best thing about that former relationship was that it
gave you your daughter. She needs to know that you do not regret this (she
may be worried about it) and that you love her very much. If she wants to know why he chooses not to see her, say he wants to have
a new life now without you; that's his loss, not yours, and you have your own
new family, too.
Don’t be surprised if she has other questions besides those about her dad!
After all, some of her own friends may not live with one of their biological
parents...it's not unusual. At age seven, however, she may be wondering
about her own birth. Be sure you're prepared to answer her questions about
how babies are made if the conversation leads there. See www.PTA.org for their excellent brochure on talking with children about sex, or check your
doctor's office, your book store or library for resources. Answer questions honestly and keep it simple.
Q: We have children ages 3, 8 and 10. You often talk about playing games together, but if we start having a family game night once a week, (starting this vacation week) how can all the kids participate? Also, shouldn't we have more variety? Like instead of playing games, go to the pool and swim together or do something active? M.F. in Nashville
A:
I
think it's great for families to do other things they are interested in besides
playing family games… like picnics, walks, going camping, ice or roller
skating, or even volunteering by cooking for the homeless once a month. All those things are important for family life, but I firmly believe they
should not replace the family ritual of playing games together once a week. Here's why.
We always find time for things we want to do. But we need to step back and think about what children and family members
need most. Our society is far too
hyper about going and doing and spending money instead of spending time with
each other. We need to have more
plain, old, simple, (and free) quiet relaxing time together instead of rushing
here and there, not even relating to each other. And we need to relate and interact, not just as parents and children, but
as people and friends.
When family members sit around a table together and listen,
talk, laugh, and have fun, they are bonding in a special way that doesn't happen
during most other activities. When
family games are played together, the "playing field" is leveled by
having all family members engage in a single activity, one that creates
opportunities for spontaneous conversation, interactions and humor. Preteens and teens have often told me that playing games together helps
them see their parents in a new way and makes them feel more comfortable in
talking to them about issues and concerns. If a simple, relaxing and enjoyable activity that only takes 2 hours out
of a 148 hour week will do that, I think it's worth far more than spending time
doing complex things that cost money.
As to your other question, table games can easily be modified with time limits, simpler rules, and by using only the largest denominations of play money. Or, a three year old can sit on an adult's lap to play games like Monopoly or Clue, and the "mentor" can help with the strategy, reading and writing. I've also seen family members, ages 3 to 84 play and enjoy games like Jenga, played with a tower of wooden blocks. And the new games for threes this year can be enjoyed by all ages, even if you want to play more advanced games after the three year old tires and goes to bed. All of these have wonderful game pieces and electronic music and responses that your older kids will like as much as the youngest. Look for "Wheels on the Bus," "Wee Little Piggies," "Bingo" and "Old MacDonald." Favorite songs as well as games!
Q: My child is going to Kindergarten next week. Part of me says "At last" and part of me wants to cry. What can I do to make this easier for my son and myself? S.B. Memphis
A:
As
a parent, I know just how you feel. It's
most important for you to stay positive about the coming school experience. If you are tense or anxious, your child may tune in on it and
"catch" your stress. You want your child to be eager to learn and
ready for school, not worried. Here
are tips that are helpful for any child and for all parents of school age
children.
Morning
Dawdler
Q. I
have a 9 year old daughter, an only child, and I'm a single mom. Every morning is a battle, and it is an awful way to start a day. But my daughter has no sense of time and doesn't understand the words
"It's time to go." I wake
her at 7 am but she doesn't get out of bed until 7:45. We have to leave at 8:15 for school. I have tried explaining how important it is to be on time, and have asked
her in the car on our way to school for ideas on what she can do to help us save
time. She gave me her answer as she
was putting on her shoes and socks, as usual. "Get up when you tell me to, eat breakfast without taking, and don't
turn on the TV." She's always
been a dawdler and it's so frustrating! What
can I do? P.A. Sacramento CA
A. Obviously
your child does know some things that would help, but these things aren't
happening. Why? Could it be because you are not making sure she does them? What are you doing in the 45 minutes from the time you tell her to get up
and the time she actually gets up? Don't
just toss her a "Wake up now" and go get a shower. You need to stand right there until you're sure she IS up and
moving. Making sure she is getting
dressed at 7 am will be the biggest help to her and to yourself. It will also start off your day in a more relaxed and pleasant way.
Here are some other things you can do:
· Stop labeling her as a dawdler or person who doesn't know the
meaning of time. You expect her to
dawdle. If you expect her worst in
the morning routine, you'll get it. Expect
her best instead.
· Get her her own simple alarm clock and teach her to set and use
it. Make it her very own
responsibility to get up when it rings. Praise
her every day for getting up with her alarm.
· If there's a TV in her room, remove it. Don't turn on any TV unless it's in the kitchen and you need the weather
or school bus report while you eat breakfast together.
· Have her lay out the things she needs for school the next day,
including her clothes, the night before. She could also set the table for breakfast the night before,
or make her lunch, if she carries one.
The
Net and Kids and Critical Thinking
Q. Our
kids are 6 and 8 and so far we use the PC and Net together; we don't let the
kids go solo. We also often watch TV or videos together as a family. What we want are some ideas to help us teach our kids critical thinking
as we do these things. Can you help? B.J. Philadelphia
A. You
are wise parents who know that critical thinking will help your children make
better and safer choices in both the real and the virtual world. You know that the information your kids will access in their daily lives
comes from many sources and is varied in quality; some is good and some is
worthless. Evaluating this
information, and comparing and checking the sources is great practice in
critical thinking.
In the book that my daughter and I wrote together, "Sams
Teach Yourself e-Parenting Today" (see Amazon.com or askevelyn.com) we
emphasize ways to teach critical thinking and other life skills by blending
daily life experiences with online activities. Here are some of our ideas.
Notice how often you do comparing, evaluating and critical
thinking when you make everyday choices. Usually
we go through these mental processes silently, but kids would really profit if
we would share these thoughts with
them. Try sharing your critical
thinking out loud with your kids to tell them why you made a particular choice. Then get them to help do the comparing, evaluating and choosing.
Use the TV to help teach critical thinking:
· During commercial breaks, get kids to think about, question, and
talk about what they're viewing. (Use
this same technique when you use the internet!!)
· Critique TV shows with your own rating scale. What shows degrade women or a particular group? Which ones try to portray meanness as funny? Which contain aggression, or conversations that make no sense?
· Ask kids who are the winners and losers in the show, or how a
story could have ended differently. Ask
them how the show treats children, and what makes a kids' show relaxing or
hyper.
· Notice and discuss the kinds of ads that appear on sport shows,
compared to sitcoms. Find out how
many real minutes are in a 30 minute sitcom.
· Find and discuss illusions. Turn off the volume so you can't hear the laugh track, and
see if the show is still funny. See
what shows portray outrageous behavior as "normal."
· Show kids how to contact sponsors of shows through phone numbers
on their products, and write stations and sponsors with your opinions on both
good and bad shows.
Intelligent
6 year old has bad attitude
Q. Our
6 year old daughter, an only child, has a negative attitude towards most people. Although she's academically gifted, she doesn't understand that being
pleasant and positive is important. She's pretty but she's not liked much because she's not gracious or
polite. She has a few friends, mostly younger than she. When I have tried to talk about this she just sneers or shrugs and rolls
her eyes. I don't want her to have the "disease to please", but I don't
like this either. She'll be in Girl Scouts this year and I hope that will help. Any suggestions? B.B. Online in TN
A. Helping
your child learn to give sincere compliments, make friends and be polite would
never be a "disease" or deterrent in any way. What good is it if she's pretty and smart if she can't get along with or
appreciate others?
You need to stop procrastinating and deal with this
behavior NOW while you still have some impact as a parent. The majority of children's values and attitudes are in place
by the time they're eight. Your
window of opportunity is getting smaller, and she has a long way to go in the
area of people skills. She needs to
begin learning NOW to appreciate that others have capabilities and talents that
may be different from her own, but that are every bit as valuable as hers.
She seems to be choosing friends who are easily led or that
she can boss around. She
needs the challenge of give and take with others like herself, and this is
something you can't do for her. Girl
Scouts is just one place to start. Also
explore her talents in the areas of sports, gymnastics, art, music or dance. Observe her interests and discuss them. Find an interest upon which she can build some solid peer relationships.
Bullying
and Clingyness
Q. My
son has just returned to school and he says he is getting pushed around. There was some teasing and bullying last year too, and the teacher said
they'd monitor it, but are there ways I can better prepare him to handle this? We want him to be able to assert himself, but we don't
encourage fighting or physical violence. He's
also very clingy and demanding of my time when he's home, and wants to be with
me every minute. I love him but
isn't it ok to have some time for myself?
A. Let's look at your needs first, because if you are happy and self
assured, it will help your son. Children,
especially clingy ones, need to see your modeling. They need to see you as not just Mom, but as a whole, adult, and
competent person with other interests and friends. This can really help them in making new friends or finding new interests
of their own.
Think about your wants and needs, and plan to do something
special that you've wanted to do for yourself. At the same time, think about your son's interests and talents. Try to find him a peer group to join outside of his school classroom
where he'll meet kids with similar interests.
The other problem, helping him deal with bullying, will
become easier to deal with if he has other friends and interests and more
confidence. You can also find some
good ideas and activities for him to try in the chapters about people skills and
self esteem in my new book "Sams Teach Yourself e-Parenting Today". See excerpts on my website www.askevelyn.com.
Fussing
about going back to school
Q. Our
kids are fussing because they don't want summer to end and don't want school to
start. I am not looking forward to that school schedule either, but how can I
prepare them and make it easier? T. M. Philadelphia
A. We all hate to see summer end, but preparing yourself and the kids to go from summer days to school days is very smart. Here are some tips.
Before school starts…
· If your child will be riding a school bus for the first time, make
an appointment with staff at the school bus garage and take him there to see a
bus, meet a driver, and practice getting on and off the bus.
· At least a week or 10 days prior to the start of school, start
moving children's bedtime earlier, fifteen minutes per night, until it matches
the school night bedtime. Use the
same method in the morning for wake up call. (Yes, this may inconvenience you, but it comes with the territory. It's in the kids' best interest.)
· Try to find out what children in the neighborhood will go to the
school or be in your child's class. Get
acquainted with other children and parents prior to the start of school.
· Go to the school and use the play ground, visit the gym and
lunchroom, and meet the principal. Being
familiar with the school and knowing where things are (including the bathrooms)
helps children feel more secure. Usually the staff is at school a week before school starts.
· Meet your children's teachers and see the classrooms. Children feel more secure when they know that the teacher knows their
parents. Be sure to leave the teacher all your phone numbers and email
address, and say that you welcome any contacts.
When school starts…
· Give your child reassurance with the security of consistent
routines such as regular bedtimes and mealtimes. School takes lots of energy and children need good food and at least 9
hours of sleep.
· Give your child support by eating together every day. Relax and socialize and see how everyone's day went. Try to play family games together once a week. Eating together and playing games together will give your children a
feeling of security and help them feel they can talk to you about anything.
· Set a time to listen and talk to your child every day, and be sure
to do it. Children may look
"all grown up" but they are very vulnerable in the school years. They need you and your listening ear more than ever.
· Go to all school events, conferences, etc. and make special
appointments on alternate days if you cannot make the scheduled event. Drop in at school to say hello occasionally, and always pick up your
child's homework if they miss school. These things DO make a difference in the way the teachers look at your
child.
Teaching
Optimism to Child
Q. Can
you teach your child to be an optimist? If
so how would you go about it? K.P. Online in Nashville TN
A. The best way to
help your child learn to be optimistic is to model optimism yourself. Your modeling is very powerful and kids usually learn more from what you
do than what you say. Are you an
optimist? Children can
"catch" your optimism, just as they can "catch" pessimism.
Do
you believe you can cope with problems successfully? Do you find challenges interesting? Do you try new things easily? Do you keep your focus on the silver linings instead of the clouds? If you risk and fail at something new, do you see it as a learning
experience? You can do many small
things in addition to positive modeling that will help teach your children to be
optimistic.
· You can
play family games together once a week. This
will help children feel strongly connected to the family; this kind of
foundation provides the security and confidence that optimistic children need.
· Playing
games will also offer many opportunities to learn to risk and fail in safe ways,
helping kids understand that losing can be a positive learning experience.
· Playing
games also helps children learn other important life skills such as patience,
perseverance and resilience. Optimists
hang in there; they don't give up; they bounce back from adversities. Playing family games helps teach that.
· You can
use real experiences, stories and videos to show children that staying positive
and being an optimist often helps people become successful in spite of
obstacles.
· You can
look at the web site www.amazing-kids.com to find stories about how optimism
helped kids to keep trying so that they could accomplish special things.
· You can
encourage children to take safe and thoughtful risks, such as making a new
friend, trying a new recipe, and asking questions or giving opinions in a
classroom or group. Optimists
aren't afraid to risk trying because they have "I Can" attitudes and
also because they accept failures as experiences, not self defeating
experiences.
· Show kids
that there are many ways to solve problems, and many different answers to a
question. Teach them how to turn
disadvantages into advantages.
Disagreements
with other parents
Q. My
daughter is seven. Recently she
spent the night with a friend with whom she's stayed before on several
occasions. The next morning she
told me she lost her tooth, which was a big surprise to me. It was a little loose, but wouldn't have fallen out for 2-3 weeks. What happened was that the mother just took it upon herself to pull out
my child's tooth, without consulting me! I
don’t think she should have done that and I'm still upset about it. I also
discovered that the parents were drinking that night, and that they had an
argument in front of the children. My
husband and I hardly ever raise our voices, and we never disagree in front of
the children. If I were responsible
for another child's care over night, I would not be drinking. I am afraid that my daughter's friend's house is not a particularly
healthy environment for my child, and I don't want her to go there anymore. Am I being unreasonable? T.E. Sacramento CA
A. No, I don't think you are being unreasonable. The child's parents seem to have different family values and a different
living style than you have. This
doesn't necessarily mean they are bad parents, and your daughter may really
enjoy their child's friendship. However,
it is certainly your right to stop letting your daughter stay overnight at their
home. This will limit the influence the parents might have over
your child.
Your child probably really likes this little girl. Why not just have the friend visit you or stay overnight at your home
instead, where you can observe and supervise. Try to increase your child's circle of friends and make it a habit to
have your daughter's friends over often. Invite
the moms over for coffee once in a while as well, so you'll know more about the
families.
Talking
to Babies
Q. I'm
concerned that my two month old granddaughter is not being talked to enough by
her parents. I realize everyone has their own way of interacting with babies, but I
also know the importance of talking to them. My daughter is very gentle and holds, cuddles and kisses the child, and
plays with her a lot. The dad is sort of a couch potato. He also speaks very, very fast, and is sometimes hard to understand. I don't want to keep offering them the same advice, so I gave him a book
about how to play with babies for Fathers' Day. J.H. Modesto CA
A. You're right about the importance of talking with babies, and giving the dad that book was a great idea. Children do learn language from the interactions and modeling of their parents and caregivers. Whenever you are with the family, you can help the parents and have impact on both them and the baby just by using your own modeling.
Model all these interactions:
· Look into the baby's eyes and smile when you talk to her.
· Copy the sounds the baby makes; imitate and give them back to her.
· Smile, caress her and praise her whenever she tries to imitate
YOUR sounds.
· Use a well modulated voice, speak clearly and use correct grammar.
· When the baby gets just a bit older, show her picture books and
read them to her, or talk about and point to the pictures.
· Use songs, rhymes and fingerplays with the baby which will
interest her in the rhythms and patterns of speech.
· Keep what you say simple and short, but use intonation, making
your voice rise and fall. She'll
find this interesting and will listen.
· Whisper sometimes…babies like this sound and it holds their
attention.
Most books about how babies learn language are in the early childhood education sections of book stores or libraries. Ask your librarian or a store clerk for help in locating a book about how language develops. Another resource might be your intermediate school district, the part of the school system that supplies multimedia resources and assistance with special needs. Call them and ask for the speech and language person. Then see if he/she can make suggestions or refer you to a book, or even provide a free pamphlet on language development for the young parents.
Should
child keep the Kitten?
Q. We
got a kitten as a family pet. The understanding was that we would help care for the kitten,
but it was our five year old daughter's responsibility to make sure the kitten
was okay. We got him two weeks ago,
but she has not treated him with respect. She
picks him up constantly, drags him out from behind things when he hides, puts
doll clothes on him, and today I
caught her trying to stuff him into a toy mailbox.
I don't think she's being malicious, but maybe I'm trying to spare myself the truth. Normally, she never acts like this. We've reasoned with her, put her in time out, swatted her, taken away privileges, and now we are contemplating finding the kitten a new home. I really don't want to do this, but I have to protect the kitten. What do you think we should do? L.B. Online in North Carolina.
A. I would put the kitten in a new home immediately. Your child needs to learn that she cannot have the privilege of having a
kitten unless she accepts the fact that pets come with rules and
responsibilities. Having a pet can
help teach children an important life skill, which is that privileges are
earned, and they always come hand in hand with responsibilities.
It sounds to me like your daughter is not mature enough to
have a pet at this time. She is
treating the kitten as a toy, not a living, breathing creature with senses and
feelings. Perhaps she doesn't
really understand that the kitten needs a family's protection and care in the
same way as she needs the care of her parents.
Bedwetting
Q. Our
6 ½ year old son wets the bed every night, but he never has accidents during
the day, and seems to be able to hold his urine if necessary. We stop liquids at 6pm, and he uses the toilet before his 7pm bedtime. We've tried waking him up at night to have him go, but he's still asleep,
so he cries and seems unaware of his surroundings. We've put him in pullup training pants at night, but they leak. We've had him "adjusted" by our chiropractor, and he's been on
cornsilk tablets from the herb shop for 4 weeks with no results. Is this a common problem for boys his age? Is there anything real we can do to help him stop wetting the bed? K.R. Online in PA
A. You've
tried many good strategies, but have you arranged for him to have a complete and
thorough physical? You probably
didn't think this was necessary, since he can hold his urine in the daytime, but
it would still be a good idea to see your pediatrician. Your doctor may be able to help; the doctor can also refer you to a
specialist for this problem if that becomes necessary.
Yes this is a common problem for boys ages 5 to 7,
especially very active boys. It is
usually because they play so hard all day that they sleep too deeply to be aware
of body signals that tell them to wake up and use the toilet. Our grandson had this problem, and the only thing that worked was to wake
him up at midnight or 1 am and walk him to the bathroom, help him use the
toilet, and walk him back to bed.
We stayed matter of fact and very calm and quiet as we did
this. At first he didn't wake up
completely, but with our help he could use the toilet and go back to bed. As we continued this strategy, it DID help him set up an internal pattern
or habit of waking up and using the bathroom once during the night. It took several months, but finally he started waking up on his own.
Stay
at home dad getting ready for Kindergarten
Q. I'm
a stay at home dad, and our son is going to kindergarten this fall. Should I be practicing the alphabet with him or doing numbers? I want him to be ready for kindergarten, but I feel uneasy about drilling
him. There must be other things I can do to make this a special summer for
both of us. H.S. Sacramento CA
A. Yes,
make the most of these special days, because once he is in "real"
school, your opportunities for personal time with him will begin to be limited. A strong relationship with your son will give him self confidence that
will serve him well when school starts. Having fun, talking, and learning new things together will also create
life long memories and the sense of belonging that young children need.
Having fun does
not have to exclude learning. The following ideas teach important learning skills such as literacy,
creative thinking, planning, problem solving, math/science, cooperation, and
attention span. These are skills he will need in school, and they're more important than
learning some letters and numbers by rote.
· Read aloud to him every single day. Go to the library together.
· Make a kite and then fly it.
· Let your son help you cook. Make a pizza, or a roast in a bag, or dessert.
· Build something together…a bird feeder, a tree house, a fort, or a sand
castle.
· Have a lemonade stand, and sell the lemonade to buy something special.
· Plant a small garden, care for it, and harvest the flowers and
vegetables.
· Have him dictate the words and keep a journal of your summer together. Add photos and his own drawings.
· Make 3 dimensional constructions together from paper cups, plates, tape,
golf tees, pipe cleaners, straws and other findings in the junk drawer.
· Enjoy active play outdoors every day, and take walks together while you
talk.
Smoking
Q. Our
7 year old daughter and her friend seem to be collecting cigarette butts! Our older daughter told us that they had put some butts in her purse,
making it smell awful. I checked
the child's bedroom but found nothing, so I dismissed it as a prank until my
wife found cigarette butts in her jacket pocket! I'm sure she's not smoking, (none of us do) but what's going on? Dad E. H. Gainesville, FL
A. Confront your 7 year old and her friend and ask them why they're doing it. Sevens' often play jokes, and sometimes even very bright sevens' do silly things, like playing with matches. You do need to get to the bottom of this. But collect some butts yourself before you confront them and put them in your daughter's jacket pocket for a day. Show both girls that the smell of butts on clothing is not a bit funny! Then have your discussion.
Subject: terrible threes??
Q: Question
1: I have a 3 and a half year old girl. When she starts to put up a fight when
we put her to bed, she seems to change and becomes very aggressive, kicking and
biting pinching and she is really trying to hurt us, her eyes show
extreme hate and anger. We have a one year old girl too and they
seem to get along well all the time.
We don't believe in slapping or spanking but all our other methods have failed, we
talk, read, and try and calm her down b4 bed.
she doesn't behave this way at any other time. only at bedtime. She also
says she hates us and doesn't want to be around us ever again...I know this is
normal... right????
Question: Can we do something else and rid her of those hateful and
aggressive feelings she has?
Question 2 if possible: Is this a stage or are we going to have our hands
full for the next 18 years?
Matt
A: Dear
Matt, Let's start with Question 2. Yes, if you don't find a consistent
strategy and deal with this power struggle now you are likely to have trouble in
the future. You see, the patterns of parent-child interaction which you
put in place now are the ones you are teaching her. She will continue to
use these patterns and so will you. This is why letting her know about
rules and roles NOW is so vital. ( eg. Will you want this struggle to be
happening when she's 14?)
All children go through the tantrum and testing stage, but some do it at
two, and some save it up to engage in at three or older. It is a necessary
stage, because the child, in having the tantrum, is trying to find out, and
needs to find out, what the rules really are, and who is in charge.
Although you would swear that they don't want any of your rules or
"no's", rules are exactly what they do want and need. Your
consistent limits or parameters help give your child security.
You say you've been using a bedtime ritual...GOOD! Keep this up and
do it at the same time each night. In addition, before she even starts
"testing ", explain that you are the parent and she's the child.
As a parent you have a special job which is to make rules that are in her best
interest, such as making sure she has enough rest and stays healthy. This
is why it's time for bed now.
Disregard anything she says and do not even engage in the power struggle
that may ensue. After telling her that you'll be nearby in the house,just
leave the room. She's been enjoying the drama of pushing your buttons.
Take yourself and those buttons away from her. Say "No" calmly
and firmly, and tell her she can cry if she wishes, as long as she likes, but
she must stay in bed now...."See you in the morning."
You can do this. Remember, you are the parent and she is the kid.
Q: My daughter is 4 and has always looked up to and copied our neighbor girls who are ages 6 and 8. She does dance and gymnastics because they do. But recently I found out from another neighbor that these girls don't like my child and don’t want to play with her. I don’t really know if it's the girls or their mother, who I know can be twofaced sometimes. But I always thought they loved our girl and enjoyed taking her under their wing. Should I tell my child not to approach the neighbors anymore? T.M.R. Reading, PA
A: Even if this is true, because of the fact that the older girls may now be more interested in their own peers, you can do nothing to change your neighbors' behavior. But you CAN change what YOU do! Start by finding your child some other friends; two are not enough and the more friends the better. If she really likes dance and gymnastics (not just pretending to like them) there are other girls her age in those groups that share common interests with her. Also consider your church group friends, or friends in her preschool. Have some of these kids over with their moms and get to know them. It is always better to focus on the flowers in your garden, instead of the weeds.
Junk
Food Diet
Q. Our boys, ages 7 and 9 have terrible eating habits and
make meals a nightmare. They eat only a few kinds of junk food, they do not eat at the table, and they still take an hour to eat their
unbalanced food. This has gone on
since they were two's; we had to chase them around for them to feed them. We have a problem with consistency because our in laws and a live in
housekeeper have been with us since the beginning. My mother in law is the major impact on them, and she's more patience
than I, but she gives in. I am a
physician and can't always be there to enforce the rules, but I want meals to be
a relaxed, pleasant time when we all eat together and eat a well balanced diet. Help! P.A. Long Beach, CA
A. You
are still the head of the household. You
really must call a family meeting to discuss this with all the adults that
live with you, including your housekeeper. Explain how unhealthy the boys' diet is and how many bad habits and bad
manners they are exhibiting. Eating
properly is not only a matter of health, but a life skill that includes social
skills which your sons are not learning. You
can only turn this around by making it clear that this must STOP, and by
insisting that everyone agree to a consistent plan. Put the plan in writing like a prescription or contract, have them all sign
that they agree and will follow through. This is in everyone's best interest.
Include in this meeting your guidelines for
what groceries will and WILL NOT be purchased and available in the house for the
boys to eat. ( The hospital
nutritionist can help you) Put the
list in writing and get agreement. Whomever
does the shopping must be aware of the seriousness of this issue. (You pay the bills, don't you?) Do not give the boys an allowance during the process in which you are
changing their habits. You know what they'll spend it on. If their behaviors change, reinstate it.
After the adult meeting, invite the adults
to be present at another meeting with the boys. Explain that terrible eating habits are not in their best interests
(health and life skills), and that changes WILL be made.
· Explain the new rules and the "prescription" or contract regarding the new grocery list. Ask for their input on groceries if and only if they make nutritious choices.
· Explain that all food will be eaten at the table with at least one adult present to eat or talk with them.
· Explain that they are not allowed to eat at times other than planned snacks and meals, and that no "grazing" or eating in other parts of the house is allowed.
· Explain that you will be serving family style meals, having foods being passed and insisting on good manners. (please, thank you) Eat a regular time, even if not all family members are there.
· The boys must sign the "rules" contract you have designed. If they don't follow the rules, they don't eat. As a doctor, you know they won't starve during this process.
· Everyone should sign the rules contract. Meet again in a week to make any needed changes.
· Remember who are the adults in your family and who are the children. As adults, we must take the responsibility of guiding children in ways that serve their best long term interest.ADHD son gets speeding tickets
Q. Our son
got his drivers license 6 months ago and has already had 3 speeding tickets. He has ADHD and is treated for depression due to low self esteem and few
friends. We threatened to sell the car if he has more tickets, but he
goes to a private school and there are no buses. K.B. in New Jersey
A. Look at the big picture first. You
need to help him work on self esteem and having friends, and letting him get in
trouble is not the way to do it! Help
him increase his talents and interests, and have him join clubs or do sports or
other activities with kids who have like interests. Find his strengths and build on them instead of keeping the
focus on his problems. He needs
firm, consistent guidance and praise every small improvement. Do these things for his own good, regardless of the car issue.
Your
threat about selling the car was empty, and he knew it because one of the
reasons you let him have a car was to get him to school. However, there's a way you can salvage your plan and follow through with
it, helping him learn some important lessons at the same time.
Remember,
a car in the hands of an irresponsible or inexperienced teen can be a lethal
weapon, and you are the ones held responsible if something happens. Your son should not have a car just because he wants one. You need to put a stop to his inappropriate behavior. His life and long-term best interest should outweigh any inconvenience.
Have
a serious family meeting with him to develop a contract about the ownership and
use of his car. Tell him what you
expect and need from him if he wants a car, and also what you think should
happen if he does not keep his part of the contract. In other words, you'll make it clear that responsibilities
will go hand in hand with the privileges of having a car. That's what real life's about.
During
the meeting ask his opinions, and ask him what he thinks the consequences should
be if he breaks his contract. Explain
that you don't want him or anyone else to be hurt, so this contract is in his
best interests as well as yours. Make it clear that you WILL take the car away if you need to,
and find another way for him to get to school, even if that proves to be an
inconvenience. Options might be
that you drive, hire a taxi, or have him picked up by a friend. All of you should sign the contract. Be ready to follow through on the
consequences!
If
he cooperates, and begins to behave maturely, be sure to add other logical
responsibilities such as having him pay part of the insurance premium, gas and
maintenance. Taking on these
responsibilities will teach life skills he needs.
"Pick
up your toys!"
Q. I
am having lots of trouble getting my two year old to help pick up her toys. I don't expect her to pick up all of them, but she should at least help. I have tried to make it a game, but that didn't work. I said if she didn't help I would throw out whatever toys were left on
the floor, but she seemed to think that was a good idea. Can you help me? M.B.
Sacramento CA
A. Yes, your two-year old is too young to pick up all the toys on her own initiative, but she should begin learning to help out now. It's very important to start teaching children the life skills of discipline and responsibility when they're young, and the "help out habit" is an important way to begin putting these life skill patterns in place. Keep in mind that children are not born with these skills, but they can learn them gradually, over time, if parents provide consistent guidance.
Start now, but keep it simple! For example, rotate her toys every week or two, so that she
doesn't have too many to use at a time and so that the toys seem "new"
again. She will enjoy them more and
it will be easier for her to help pick them up.
Remember that young children cannot
conceptualize number and quantity the way adults do. When toys or blocks are spread out over the floor children actually
believe there are three times as many of them as there actually are! Help her organize the toys into groups or types. Put like objects together in a pile. Then the task of putting them away will look more "doable" to
her.
Check your storage for books and toys. Provide a basket or bucket for carrying small toys from the play area to
the storage shelves. Children need low, open and accessible shelf space. Use boxes or baskets to further separate toys on the shelves, and put
picture and word labels on the shelves. The
spaces and labels will make the job of clean up more like a game, and provide a
print rich environment.
Give lots of descriptive praise, smiles and
hugs for helping out. Encourage
other ways to help, such as setting and clearing the table and sorting laundry. You'll find many other ideas for teaching self discipline and helpfulness
in my book, "Growing Responsible Kids" (Frank Schaffer; 9.95) See
it on my web site www.askevelyn.com in
the "Ev's Stuff pages.
If you feel you still need to threaten her with taking the toys away that she does not pick up, then DO it, but don't use threats that you won't carry out. Say you'll "put them away" or "take them away for two weeks" and then follow through so that she gets the full impact of the consequence.
Tantrums
Q. My granddaughter is four and is having temper
tantrums! She never did this
before, but shortly after her mom decided to marry the man she has lived with
for 5 years, the tantrums and negativism began. She does not do it with me, but she does it at home. What's wrong? Grandma
in Nashville
A. It's my bet that she just doesn't understand what's happening. Adults often assume that children aren't afraid of "good" things, but changes of any kind can worry sensitive children. She probably doesn't really know what "getting married" means. Will her life change? Will only her mom get married? If so what will happen to her? Will she be with them or not? Will they move? Will she keep her toys and bed? She needs reassurance that her life will stay the same and may become even better. She needs to know that she's part of the marriage too…she could (and should) even take part in the wedding. Finding the real reason for the problem will help solve it quickly.
More
about Tantrums
Q. Our
six year old son is having tantrums at school. They seem to often coincide with hunger, and also with being interrupted
from something on which he is concentrating. Our doctor suggested a high carb breakfast, but then the tantrums moved
from morning to late afternoon. We
know that he doesn't eat much at lunch because he's more interested in talking
with friends. We've tried to be understanding and we also tried taking away
TV privileges. But today he had
another tantrum and is now excluded from school for 2 days because he kicked the
Head teacher. We don't understand,
as he is usually a bright, happy, and polite boy, and he's always very
apologetic after one of these incidents. He
does not have tantrums at home. We'd
like some sort of direction because
there are long waiting lists before we can see the educational psychologist. S.C. Online in the United Kingdom
A. Perhaps
you should get another doctor's opinion while you're waiting to see the school
psychologist. My intuition hints
that this may be a physical problem. Some
of the symptoms you describe are similar to those of ADHD or Tourette's
syndrome. They are also reminiscent of low blood sugar problems. These are things that can be treated with diet and medication along with
positive guidance and reinforcement. It
wouldn't hurt to explore these possibilities.
You might also explain the problem to a nutritionist, because nutrition is
seldom a doctor's specialty. Most
hospitals have nutritionists who give advice for a reasonable fee. For example, your doctor recommended a high carb breakfast, but a
nutritionist might suggest a balance of protein and carbohydrates. If the stress or tantrums have moved to afternoon, and he's not eating a
good lunch, it is also possible that the problem relates to low blood sugar. Perhaps a snack, which he would normally have at home, could be allowed
at school.
Hopefully, both you and the school staff are mindful that young children need
lots of positive reinforcement. Praise
him for every effort he makes to control or stop the tantrums. Praise him for eating right, explaining why eating properly may help him
control his temper. Six year olds may look very grown up, but they still need
lots of hugs and praise. Rewarding
GOOD behavior usually works better with sixes than removing privileges.
Chores
and Allowance
Q. When
should I start giving my child an allowance, and how much should I give? What chores should be tied in with the allowance? D.M. Sacramento CA
A. The
timing and amount of an allowance depends on your family's values and resources,
and also on the kinds of things you want your child to learn from this
experience. If you want him/her to learn that money is not just a
"given", but that you work to EARN money, the child should have some
"extra" weekly chores. e.g., These are chores beyond those things we all do because we are a family team living under
one roof. (make our beds, put
dirty clothes in hamper, set and clear the table, etc)
Depending
on the age of the child, extra chores might be to shovel snow, help wash the
car, sweep the sidewalks or patio, weed or water a garden, vacuum, wipe
fingerprints from windows or doors, wash dishes, load or unload the dishwasher,
empty all the wastebaskets, feed the pets, etc. Tip: A chores
checklist in the form of a weekly grid on the refrigerator helps kids keep track
of their jobs.
How
much allowance depends on your own resources and values, not what your friends
or neighbors do. Both the age and
maturity of the child must also be considered. If you feel that an allowance is the foundation for learning the life
skill of money management, it's still up to you to decide what age appropriate
chores should be done and whether these assignments equal the value of the
allowance you're paying.
But
there's even more to consider. Do
you believe that your child needs to learn the difference between wants and
needs? Will you pay for the needs
and have the child pay for his/her "wants"? Do you want your child to learn how and why to save money? All these factors will affect the amount of allowance and the way you
teach your child to MANAGE this money.
For
example, if you want your child to learn about savings, you need to take
advantage of situations that will allow you to teach the child WHY we save
money. As a general rule, NEVER advance the allowance just because the child
wants something "now." (Instant gratification does not grow mature and
responsible kids.)
If
your child simply "wants" something that costs more than the weekly
allowance, don't advance any money. That
just teaches children that they can always have what they want when they want it
(instant gratification). Instead,
teach delayed gratification, which is a real-world life skill that children need
to learn. Show the child how to use
savings for the purchase, or put a deposit on the purchase and pay if off over
time. (lay away). The child will learn the difference between wants and needs,
as well as good reasons to save.
If children make poor choices with their money, they should accept responsibility for their choices and live with them, learning from mistakes. Losing small amounts of money when you're young is much better than of losing large amounts as a young adult.
Cutting Class
Q: My son
has been cutting classes at school. I'm
not sure of the reasons…it may be spring fever, or peer pressure or laziness,
but it must stop. What do you
suggest? J.B. Nashville TN
A: Don't
make assumptions; learn the exact reasons for his truancy. I had a friend whose son hid in their basement every day for a week
rather than go to school because he was ashamed to tell his parents that a bully
was stealing his lunch money and beating him up.
On
the other hand, he could be skipping classes for one of the reasons you list in
your letter. If so, you need to use
both short and long term strategies. You'll
want to "put out the fire" and also take measures to prevent that
problem from flaring up again.
Here
are some short term or quick fix ideas to consider from a new book by Sheri
Steelsmith called "Go to Your Room: Consequences
that Teach" (Raefield-Roberts/Parenting Press; $14.95). The author lists 50 common discipline problems and presents logical
consequence solutions.
· Get
attendance records from school each week. Unexcused
absences earn lost privileges.
· Ask
teachers for missed lesson assignments; these must be done in order for
privileges to resume.
· Require
your child to apologize to the teachers, getting a note from the teacher to
confirm that this was done.
You
may also want to find out if any other peers are skipping classes with him and
contact their parents to brainstorm on both long and short term strategies. For example, you need to find ways to motivate your son and help him see
that staying in the classroom and getting good grades are in his best long term
interest. Not only do you need to
keep an eye on the friends he hangs around with, but you need to make his
friends welcome in your home so that you get to know them.
He
needs to know how classroom attendance and participation will help him get a job
or go to college or get technical training. You may also need to explore the very real possibility that
his teacher needs to be an active partner in his motivation and rewards for
improvement.
Dawdling
Q: How
do we get our child, age 7, to quit dawdling
and wasting time? We get up 1 1/2 hours before he has to catch the school bus, but he sits
at the table eating breakfast for an hour, and then doesn't have time to even
brush his teeth. We all get upset and that's no way to start the day. How do we motivate him without bribing? M.A. Philadelphia
A: Children
this age don't have the organizational skills that adults have. These skills are not innate, they need to be taught. Some children learn these skills "on their own" by watching and
copying adult modeling. Other kids,
like your son, need more adult direction, clear instructions and lots of praise
until they really "get it".
Find
a relaxed, quiet time to talk to him about this problem. Calmly explain that you are frustrated (tell how you feel). Say that you know he doesn't like to feel nagged or feel guilty about
this problem, and that you want each day to start more happily for all of you.
Explain
that you want to find ways to help him learn to take care of himself and get
ready for school on his own. This
is an important life skill. Tell
him you want to talk about this and share some ideas, getting his ideas too. Make a printed list of the exact things he needs to do to
make his (and your) mornings easier. Both
of you should show agreement by signing the list. Here are some possibilities.
He
could make his lunch the night before and put it in the refrigerator.
He
could do his homework right after school or supper and put it in his backpack,
ready for the next day.
He
could choose his clothes the night before and lay them out.
He
could even set his place for breakfast the night before, and decide what he'll
eat.
He needs to have his own alarm clock, and should, with your help, decide the time it should be set.
You can agree on the amount of time he
needs for breakfast, (20 minutes is plenty) and tell him that after that time is
up the table will be cleared. (Follow through on this!)
The
list you make together is a "contract". A contract is NOT bribery! It
is an agreement you make BEFORE misbehavior occurs and it's a good strategy. Bribery is giving children rewards to STOP misbehavior and is poor
strategy. Children should receive
some kind of reward for fulfilling the contract...and improving their behavior,
just as they should experience appropriate and logical consequences if they do
not fulfill the contract.
You may need to reward him with more than your praise. Put gold stars on each day of the calendar that he does well. These can be "turned in" after a week for something special that is meaningful to him. Praise him, be consistent, and be optimistic. Expect his best, not his worst.
To Spank or Not to Spank
Q: What is your stance on spanking
teens ages 13 to 15? Do you think
spanking is a poor strategy for discipline? Does it work? What should parents do instead, if spanking is not
appropriate? K.N. Bloomington IN
A: As
a grandmother of 4 and parent of 4, and as a teacher and family life educator
for many years, I have never found spanking to be a good discipline strategy. The spanking question has come up frequently in the 18 years that I have
been writing these weekly columns, and the debate continues.
Parents who really believe that spanking is the only way
to discipline usually continue to do it, no matter how many family counselors or
parenting specialists advise against it. Parents
who are unsure about ways to discipline, but who are open to learning other ways
to guide or discipline their children, DO usually try other options, and find
that they work far better than spanking.
I have rarely seen a case where spanking
"worked," except when it was done to prevent or immediately stop
hurtful or life threatening behavior. In a few cases, where children and parents have agreed that a spanking
should be the consequence of misbehavior, it might work in the short term.
However, the real goal is to PREVENT misbehavior, not to
give a spanking after the fact. The
goal is to model and teach self discipline, which is why I don't believe
spanking works with teens or with children of any age. Spanking is based on fear, and adults who "lose it" and resort
to physical and verbal violence are doing poor modeling which probably won't
have long-term positive impact on their kids. Spanking embarrasses teens and makes them angry, but does very little to
change their behavior or teach self discipline.
The best way to
guide teen behavior is to start early (when children are preschoolers) to set
patterns of positive, firm guidance. These patterns include stating clear expectations, making simple rules,
being consistent in following through with logical consequences for misbehavior,
and most importantly, praising for GOOD behavior. Children repeat behavior for which they are praised, and patterns put in
place in the early years usually last.
Teens, who are
trying the wings of freedom and independence, need to know that with freedom comes responsibility. They will still test your limits, even if you have already done all the
"right" things when they were young. The best way to discipline them is by maintaining ongoing and open
communication, and by making sure they know what you DO and DO NOT approve, and
making them responsible for their actions.
If there's a
problem, parents should tell the teen very clearly why the misbehavior is not in
his or her long-term best interest, and why it must stop. See columns, books and excerpts on my web site www.askevelyn.com for more ideas on working with teens.
Family Meals
Q: My husband and I grew up believing that eating daily meals together as a family was really important. Sitting around the table, face to face, listening to our parents` conversations, and talking to them about what we did that day was wonderful. We learned what was important to our family, practiced a few manners, and learned about work and friends and politics, and could even hold a conversation. My husband and I want to have family dinners with our own kids, but our schedules are crazy. The kids get home at 4, my husband gets home about 5:30, and I get there about 7:30. They get too hungry to wait. Any ideas? M.M. Grand Rapids MI
A. I`m so glad you know how much children lose when families don`t eat together. One problem (besides work schedules) is our American obsession with trying to get all the foods ready to serve at the same time and eat all of them at once. Dinner becomes a refueling stop for getting as much done as possible in the shortest time. Some families avoid dinner altogether and each person simply ``grazes`` at random, getting out something to eat, but never eating together at a table.
But in most other countries, dinner is not just a meal but an ``occasion`` in which eating and talking together every day is valued. It is not rushed, because the different parts of the meal are not served all at once, but one at a time. It`s more relaxing for everyone, especially the cook. Maybe we cannot do it their way, but why not take some of these ideas and do them OUR way.
Hold on to this tradition! Find time to get the kids and your husband to help plan a NEW way to do your dinner meal. Buy or make a few things to have as ``appetizers`` or snacks after school. These could be anything from fresh fruit or 1/4 size sandwiches to microwave snacks or a salad. This would be your ``appetizer`` or salad course.
The kids could set the table and eat this ``first course`` with dad between 5:30 and 6. Dad could check out the paper or mail and they could do some homework while waiting for you. At 7 pm or so they could start the main dish, especially if it is a one-dish meal they could put in the oven or microwave.
As soon as you got there, you could all eat the main dish together. Modify this plan to fit your work schedules and the family hunger pangs. For example, you could have your husband and kids eat the main dish early; then they could start their dessert while you`re eating your main dish and salad. You will be doing what`s important, eating together and talking around the table, even if you are not eating ALL the parts of the meal at one time.
Who is Daddy
Q: Our former daughter-in-law is living with a man (let`s call him Joe) and wants our granddaughter, who is four, to call Joe ``Daddy`` and call her real father ``Daddy John.`` John has consistently been involved in his daughter`s life on a weekly basis her whole life, and the child certainly knows he is her real father. We all think this business of the child calling Joe ``Daddy`` is terribly wrong. Won`t it be detrimental to the child`s emotional well being? B.K. Carmel, CA
A. If your grandchild really knows who her father is and sees him every week, calling him ``Daddy John`` and the other man ``Daddy`` will just be something she is doing because her mother wants her to do it. She certainly knows and has always known who her father is.
Be careful that this whole is not blown out of proportion; adult anxiety is ``catching`` to children, as well as confusing. Hopefully your son is not letting this name game thing interfere with special time with his child. Is it possible that all it is is a ``game`` or way to try to annoy you, which you should respond to with common sense, and then ignore?
Your own emotional well being may be out of kilter and your son`s pride may be understandably hurt by this situation, but the child is probably fine. She may be confused by all the fuss the adults are making, but what is most important is that she loves and knows your son as her father or Daddy, and that will not change, even if at her house she calls him ``Daddy John`` and at your house she calls him ``Daddy.``
If she has always used the term ``Daddy`` for your son, it certainly seems to me it would be more logical and comfortable for her to just call the other man ``Joe`` or even ``Papa Joe`` as a title. Perhaps you could suggest this to the mother. Joe has not (and probably will not) adopt the child, at least, as long as they stay unmarried, so he has no legal right to the title of ``Daddy,`` a fact which you may want to mention to the mother. But at this juncture I do not believe it is a legal matter. It is just something the mother wants to do at her house, just as you do things differently at your house, and will undoubtedly continue to do.
NOTE TO READERS: Summer is a great time to ``grow`` young readers. Tell or read a ``lap`` story to young children every day, or have them read to you, and take the time to really enjoy it! Get great books for all ages from the library. Write down your children`s words on their art creations. Show that you love reading, too
13 year olds kissing and hugging
Q: My 13 year old daughter has always been a model child and a straight A student. We have always been close. But yesterday she didn't come home after school. After looking everywhere, I found her at the after school program locked in a room with two boys and another girl. I was furious! She said they were just kissing and hugging, but I am so angry I don't believe her. Is this behavior typical of 13 year old boys and girls? I am devastated, but maybe I am over reacting. Maggie in Philadelphia
A. I
can certainly understand that you are upset, but yes, this is very normal
behavior for 13 year olds. Instead
of overreacting, you need to think rationally and take sensible action. It is not in your best interest nor your daughter's for you to overreact
or flip out, nor is it wise to say you don't believe her. What you need to do is calmly and firmly tell her that you do not approve
and explain why.
Hopefully you have already had
discussions about sexuality, the wisdom of abstinence, and the possible
consequences of irresponsible sex. But
you also need to tell her you do understand her sexual urges, and that you have
had those feelings too. Now she
needs your guidance in learning how to handle those feelings.
She needs to know that you
understand, but she also needs to know your clear expectations. Tell her that being in a locked room with the boys was not wise and could
be dangerous. Explain that it is
okay to hug and kiss, but that there are times and places to do it that are
safer and more appropriate. Give her some realistic examples that might occur in
the future and some help in knowing how to handle such situations safely. Your guidance is needed now more than ever…and it must be mature,
experienced and caring, as well as strong and firm
If you have always been close and
had good communication, don't set up obstacles to it. In the coming years she will need to be able to talk to you
about ANYTHING, and some of the things she will want to share with you will be
much more serious than this. Overreacting
may cause her to clam up or distance herself from you.
You want her to keep talking and sharing. You want her to know that you will be there for her whenever she needs you, not only with your rules and expectations, but with good advice based on knowledge and experience. She needs to hear that in spite of this incident, you trust her to use good judgement in the future. (By the way, consider asking some tough questions about supervision in the after school program.)
Help with Stuttering
Q: I am a first grade teacher and I have a boy who stutters. He is getting weekly help from our school system speech therapist, but I wish I knew more about what to do and what NOT to do. Can you help? J.S. Elgin OR
A. Yes, there is a great brochure just out from the Stuttering Foundation of America which will really lays out the do`s and don`ts for you. It will give you the confidence that you need to help this child.
The brochure ``The Child Who Stutters at School: Notes to the Teacher`` was originally compiled by Dean Williams, Ph.D. and updated by Lisa Scott Trautman this year. Here are some of the questions answered in the brochure:
* Should the child be expected to give oral reports, read out loud or answer questions?
* Should you talk to the child about his/her speech or ignore it?
* What should you do if others tease?
Jane Fraser, president of the Stuttering Foundation of America, says to be sure that your methods are consistent with those of the school speech clinician, and ``Talk with the child privately and reassure him or her of your support. Let children know you are aware of their stuttering and accept it...and them.``
Remember that a caring, positive, relaxed attitude is what helps most. Never tell the child who stutters to slow down and relax. Instead, MODEL it by speaking unhurriedly and in a relaxed manner. Wait a few seconds after anyone finishes speaking to slow down the pace of conversation. Be sure children in the class take turns talking, and listen carefully to each other. These strategies help all the children in the class with communication skills.
Don`t try to say the words for the child, or finish his sentences. Let your body language and facial expression show that you are focusing on the content and meaning of what the child is communicating, not his style of delivery.
Also remember that a special needs child or one who stutters wants to be just like everyone else. Don`t patronize. Expect children with special needs or children who stutter to follow the rules, like everyone else. Expect them to do their best as to quality and quantity of work, just as you expect the best from others.
For more information about stuttering and a free copy of the ``Notes to the Teacher`` brochure, (available in both Spanish and English) call 1-800-992-9392, or email stutter@vantek.net You can download the brochure directly from the web site www.stutteringhelp.org The Stuttering Foundation of America also offers 24 books and 19 videotapes about stuttering.
Fun Family Games
Q: Our children have been asking us to start playing games together, and we really used to like that when we were kids, so we`re starting a Family Game Night. Since our kids are age 5, 8, 10 and 12, what games would you suggest? We want all the kids to be able to play. We think this will be easy and fun, but we`d also like to know more about the things games will teach our kids. T.L. York, PA
A. Yes! Taking time each week to play family games will not only be an economical family pastime, it will restore a family tradition. You`ll all have fun, and it will help your kids learn both life skills and educational skills.
Games teach children patience and perseverance as they learn to wait their turns, wait for a particular card, or finish the game, sticking it out to the end, whether they win or lose. They also learn how to win or lose graciously!
Even more importantly, they learn to cooperate, be honest, play fair, evaluate situations, use critical thinking, and make choices for which they must accept the consequences. Accepting the consequences of your choices is an important life skill.
When they play family games, children are learning the things that parents want them to know. No one has to work at it. It happens naturally, while everyone is gathered around a table having fun. Playing games gives families a chance to relax and talk to each other, and that creates a feeling of connectedness that children really need.
Most games focus on particular educational skills. For example, Scrabble helps kids with spelling and vocabulary, Yahtzee helps with counting, adding and record keeping, and Clue is a great game for teaching logical thought, memory and record keeping skills.
Jenga helps teach concepts of space, weight and balance, and small motor skills, and is a good game for a group with varied ages. Our family has played Jenga successfully with ages from 82 to 4.
Family games like Pay Day, Life, and Monopoly incorporate the use of strategy as they help children learn about money and making good life choices. They also teach kids that there are consequences for poor choices.
You can always modify a game to suit your family. Make a Monopoly game easier by setting a time limit, rounding off the prices of real estate, and using only the larger denominations of play money. Your 5 year old can easily play Pay Day, Clue or Monopoly if one family member becomes a mentor-partner who helps with reading, counting and record keeping. See more tips on Family Game Night at www.askevelyn.com
Kindergarten Readiness
Q: I
teach preschool and have two students who are chronologically ready for
kindergarten, but who aren't ready socially or in several skill areas. (Testing showed no problems.) Should I offer the parents a pre kindergarten option or send them on to
Kindergarten, hoping that they'll catch up? Dianne in Nashville
A. Don't
suggest a pre K option unless you have checked it out personally for quality and
best practices. Before making that
decision, you might want to give them a little more time; there is a good chance
for improvement. In the three
months from January to March many growth spurts occur in children's development,
and this is especially true of four's and five's.
Make
a list of the skill and social areas in which you want to see improvement. Then find ways to challenge them by giving them 'helper"
and "mentor" roles in the group. Find ways they can be successful in helping other children or the
classroom group. Keep adding small
bits of responsibility or new skill challenges in the areas where you want to
see more growth.
You
may want to schedule a parent conference to talk about joint goals for the
children. Ask (tactfully) if the
parents can think of any reasons for what you're seeing. Talk about what you are seeing right now, and ask what the parents see. Talk about the kinds of things you SHOULD be seeing now or very soon in
terms of their skills and social development. Then plan some ways the parents can help. Can the parents give them more responsibility at home? Can the parents make sure that there are clear expectations, rules, and
consequences or rewards for behavior
From
your letter it's difficult to tell if these are behavior problems or
developmental lags. If they're
behavior problems, find a qualified person to come in and observe for an hour or
two, making a running record. When
you're teaching preschoolers and are in charge, you really can't see every
interaction between these children and others. Good observations might give you some insights and new ideas.
One
strategy that can work miracles with behavior problems is peer reinforcement. Instead of you, the adult, giving the praise, ask a CHILD to say what you
would have said. Choose kids who can help you do this. "You really made good things in the blocks today, and
you were careful," or "I noticed how you pushed in your chair,"
or "You remembered how to use the climber the safe way." Other children will quickly pick up on this "positive tattling"
and join in. Watch what
happens!
Teen Hair Color; Too Much too Soon?
Q: My 14 year old wants to
highlight her hair. What age is old enough? D.D. Online in Sacramento CA
A. I don't think her chronological age should be the determining factor in
your decision. At 14 it's very normal for her to be paying lots of attention to hair and
appearance. The
reasons you should or shouldn't let her highlight her hair should be based on
other considerations. Here are some things to think about.
· Will it really improve her
appearance and her self esteem? Does her esteem need a boost? Do YOU think it would look nice? Remember that you can go with her to the hair dresser and suggest just
how much highlighting should be done. A little might be nice, and a lot might look a bit trashy. You'd want it to suit her and improve her appearance and self image.
· How do you feel about her reasons
for wanting to do this? Are they good reasons? Or is this just something her friends are doing that she wants to imitate
to be part of the gang? If that's the case, you need to talk about whether or not that's a valid
reason. Perhaps
peer approval means so much to her that it is valid. On the other hand, it's also important to learn that you can make your
own decisions for your own reasons, and not just "follow the crowd."
· Highlighting is expensive. It is not a "need" it's a "want" and kids need to
learn the difference. While parents take care of the teen's needs, teens should pay or help to
pay for their wants. Otherwise we are teaching them that they can have whatever they want when
they want it, without earning it, paying for it, or waiting for it. This doesn't prepare them for the real word, which is just around that
corner. Is
your daughter willing to pay for the highlighting? You may want to make that a condition…personally, I would.
· What is her schoolwork like? Is she a good student? Does she take responsibility for her behavior and chores around the
house? Maybe
the highlighting (or your subsidizing of part the cost) would be a reward for
work well done. Or it could even be a reward in a contract you could make with her for
something on which she needs to improve.
Talk
all this over and work it out. I'm sure you'll reach the right decision.
Stuttering: New Video for Parents
Q: Last year you wrote about ways teachers can help children who stutter in
the classroom. But we parents need
help too. Our three and a half year
old son may not have a real stuttering problem…he might just be repeating
words and syllables in his efforts to use language. It would help us if we could see and hear examples of what is normal
speech development and what is not, and learn what we could do at home to help
our child. What do you suggest?
Roger and May in Sacramento
A. First
of all, don't panic or put undue pressure on your son to speak as smoothly as
you do. It is common for many three
and four year olds, who are so excited about learning to use words, to repeat or
prolong sounds. Most children
outgrow this.
Remember
that if YOU are anxious and frustrated about his speech, he may become anxious
and frustrated as well, and that won't help. Try the following techniques for a month or so before making a decision
to seek assistance.
· Model
speaking or reading aloud to him slowly and in a relaxed manner.
· Give
him your full attention when he talks to you. Put a reassuring hand on his shoulder, look into his eyes, and smile if
it's appropriate.
· Be
patient; wait without prompting if he spends time thinking and planning what he
is going to say.
· Be
sure that all your family conversations show him that people don't have to be in
a hurry or interrupt each other…there is plenty of time to take turns to
listen and talk.
The Stuttering Foundation of America has
an excellent video for parents that will help you learn more about normal speech
development and about various types of stuttering. On the video, five experts address the concerns of parents about language
development in their children. They
also explain how you can help at home, and give you guidance in deciding whether
or not you need to see a speech pathologist about stuttering.
This
30 minute videotape is available for a $5.00 postage and handling fee from the
Stuttering Foundation of America, P.O. Box 11749, Memphis TN 38111-0749. For more information call toll-free 1-800-992-9392.
Valentines Year Round
Q: About 4 or 5 years ago I cut out a column you did about little ways to tell your children you love them all year long. I have moved to a new home and lost it, but in the spirit of Valentine's Day, could you give us those ideas again? Even though my children are now in middle school, I need to remember that they still need to see and hear my "love you" messages. S.Y. Online in Philadelphia
A. There
are lots of things we can do to make Valentine's Day feelings last all year
long. Whether
you're a busy working parent with school age children or a stay at home parent
with preschoolers, you can use some of these ideas and add more of your own.
· Use descriptive praise. Tell your child exactly what he/she did that pleases you, or exactly what
you think makes your child special or unique. Avoid meaningless generalizations. (great, wonderful, good job) Say what
you really mean.
· Be sure your child knows
your praise is genuine. Take time to look into your child's eyes when you give praise; and give a
little hug, pat on the back or ruffle their hair to reinforce what you are
telling them. They
need this just like you do, every day.
· Let your child overhear you
praise him or her to other people. If the child might be embarrassed, do it so they "accidentally"
hear it.
· Have mirrors in your home
at the child's eye level. Use them to help the child see special things that you see…"See
the neat way your nose wrinkles when you laugh…see how shiny your hair
is…see how tall you're getting…your eyes really sparkle."
· Write brief love notes and
messages and put them in surprising places…a lunch box, a favorite book, under
a cereal bowl, on a toothbrush, or inside a pocket. Use picture messages for younger children. Send your child an 'I love
you" post card or letter in the mail.
· Let your children help you
put photos into albums, and talk about the memories the pictures portray. Children love having their own scrapbooks or photo books of memories.
· Praise your kids (descriptively)
for being independent, self reliant, helpful, cooperative, for being perceptive,
for having a sense of humor, and having good manners. Praise them for making any efforts to grow in these areas.
Afraid of Strangers
Q: Our son is four and is afraid of strangers. That is, he won't talk to people he does not know, even we are out in
public and they're acquaintances talking to me. He says, "I'm shy with people who don't live at my house." His reticence extends to his grandparents when he does not see them for a
few months, and they push him to respond to them before he is ready. Is this normal behavior? Should I tell him it's rude not to respond, or expect him to be more
extroverted? S. B. Online
A: Your son is bright and normal, and he is behaving in a sensible way. Instead of "jumping in" he is taking some time to evaluate people and situations to see if they are safe or comfortable. There is nothing wrong with this; in fact, it's very mature of him. You should see this as a good life skill and support it. As he gains experience and confidence he'll evaluate and respond more quickly to others. Talk to the grandparents privately about this and ask for understanding and patience.
Stay at Home Dad
Q: My wife works long shifts three days a week as a nurse, and is very tired
after work. She says she enjoys
talking to her co workers, but seems stressed out. We have two boys age 2 and age 7 months, so we share the parenting and
house work. But most of the time we
hardly have enough energy to talk to each other. Maybe all young couples go through this, but I'd like to find ways to
help my wife be happier and less stressed. L. D. Online
A: If you are a "stay at home dad" you can
get some good advice by networking with other dads who share your problem. Go to athomedad.com for help, or contact the founder, Peter Bayliss at athomedad@aol.com (You may even be able to find ways to make extra income at home that will
help.) You will also find helpful
ideas about what to expect from your children at different ages and what things
to do with them at my site, www.askevelyn.com Busy, happy children are well behaved, which makes life easier..
You also need to
sit down together and budget your money so that you can get a sitter once a week
and go out. Go to dinner or a movie
or bowling; do something that's fun. The
relationships your wife has at work are professional, not personal. She needs more fulfillment from her relationship with you.
You need to figure out ways to balance work and fun and strengthen your
relationship. Laughter and fun make
relationships stronger and they are great stress reducers. Add these to your life.
Concentrating in school
Q: Our nine year old has trouble concentrating
on school work or homework for sustained amounts of time. When he does get the work done,
he makes excellent grades, but it takes forever, and he cannot seem to focus. He writes
very slowly too. We had him tested for ADHD and there seems to be no problem there.
A.J.
Houston
A: It may be
that the slow and extra careful way he does his school work/homework is just part of his
personal learning style, not a ``focus`` thing. However, as the years go on and his
assignments are more lengthy, it may become a greater problem.
Right now he may think that the ONLY way he can do the work correctly is to do it at a
snail's
pace. He needs to prove to himself that he CAN do it well, even if he works
faster. You need to work together to develop a system he can handle without anxiety, but
which will allow him to get the work done faster. You will also need to praise him for
using the system consistently.
First, think about this problem from your son`s perspective. As adults, we know how easy
it is to put off or drift away from any huge task. We also know how to take a big task and
break it down into parts, doing one step at a time, making it easier to tackle. This
systematic approach is a valuable life skill that your son has not yet learned. But you
can teach him this skill.
He needs to set smaller, step by step goals, and feel the joy of achievement each time he
gets something finished! Have him separate and organize the tasks to be done so that he
won`t see the schoolwork as one enormous, discouraging pile. He can decide which task to
do first.
Get him a clock or timer, and let him help decide on the amount of time each work task
should take. His goal is to do each task in the time allotted. After a day or so, let him
see if he can beat his own time per task. Get him to decide how much to shorten his time
allotment.
Decide on points or stickers to be earned whenever he does the task in the time allowed
with extra points for beating the time. Then decide what reward to exchange for the
points. Have some fun with this!
NOTE TO READERS WITH ADD/ADHD CHILDREN: You many want to take a look at the new book,
``What You Need to Know About Ritalin.`` (Bantam, $6.50)
Share Family Crises with Kids
Q: Do you think it's better for parents to tell their
children the truth about frightening things, such as serious illness, financial
difficulties or divorce, even if it's painful for the children? Rome GA
A: It's
also painful for children to be confused and anxious because they know something
is wrong, but don't know what it is. When
there is no explanation, children often imagine the worst and may even blame
themselves for the unknown problem.
For
example, you would tell preschoolers, who cannot yet think in the abstract, that
you don't have money right now to buy such or such, and suggest alternatives. You might make something with them that you would ordinarily buy. But a child over age eight could probably understand a financial crunch
if you explained it honestly, simply and calmly.
Middle
school and older children can be part of the whole family team in brainstorming
ways to save or stretch money; they can understand a discussion of
"luxuries" and "necessities". When children feel involved as part of the family team they cope more
easily with a crisis and are more supportive. Challenges often make family bonds stronger.
In
the case of divorce you must tell children what's going on in order to prevent
unnecessary worry and fears that are undoubtedly already brewing. You'd need to be honest and calm. Keep
the discussion simple. Children
don't need to hear your gripes…they want to know how divorce will affect them.
They
need to know the divorce is not their fault, that they will still be loved by
both parents, that they will be able to see and talk with an absent parent, and
that a parent will still be their parent, even if he or she lives separately. They need reassurance that most of their day to day routines will stay
the same.
In
the case of death or serious illness, a parent must always be honest with
children, staying calm and reassuring. Sharing
feelings of loss or sadness with children will help them know it's okay to feel
sad or angry; this is a natural part of coping with grief. Be sure children know where you are and how to reach you at all times. In this kind of crisis, children often develop fears that you will leave
them or die. Be sure to reassure
them that you will be there for them, hopefully for a long, long time.
About Screaming and Yelling
Q: I
have your column about yelling at the kids, which just causes them to yell or
tune you out. I'm a screamer, even
though I really love my two boys. They're
11 and 12, and we do lots of fun things together, but when I ask them to do
something and they say "in a minute" I just go off like a fire
cracker. And if they do something
wrong, I don't just tell them, I yell. My
dad always yelled, so maybe that's how I learned it. I've tried counting to ten, but it doesn't seem to work. Please help! Skygirl in CA
A: If
you have that column about my own problems as a screamer, you know I truly
understand. Counting to ten and
taking some deep breaths doesn't work unless you can also remove yourself
physically, mentally or emotionally from the scene of the impending yelling.
Physically, try
leaving the room immediately, saying nothing, (that alone will
Mentally,
decide ahead on an image of a place you have been that you love. Instead
Your boys are
old enough to try to assist you with this problem. Plan a time in which you can have a serious chat with them. Share your feelings about the yelling, and ask them for help; they
might surprise you. Explain
how you "caught" it, and how much you hate it and would like to
change. Ask them what exact
things make you scream or yell the loudest. Then ask that they try to stop pushing your buttons, if they ever
do this purposefully.
Ask them for
ideas too. Should you try to whisper as loud as possible instead of
yelling, or carry a bell and ring it loudly when you feel the urge. Remember that humor always helps diminish yelling, but after the
urge to yell is gone, you still need to calmly and firmly tell the kids
what they need to hear.
Teens and Dating
Q: Our kids are
seniors and have dated for a year. Our family of four went to dinner at his family's home a few months ago, and we had a pleasant time. The parents "love" our daughter and we think he's a nice boy. Last week I reciprocated, hosting their family of four for dinner. However, I am wondering if this socializing has been appropriate, or if
it's pressuring the kids to get really serious and become a permanent couple? (Our daughter has plans for a career and was accepted to Princeton last
week.) At
the dinner, I said that in our house the rules are that he is not allowed in her
room, and that she is not allowed to entertain when we are not home. His mother admitted that she has allowed them to go into his room, and
said that they are not always home when the kids are there. I'm sure my face told her that I did not approve. Should I say more, and what should we do about these social dinners?
A: I
applaud you for speaking up and letting the mom know what your expectations are;
there is nothing wrong with standing up for your values and family rules. Since the boy's mother quite honestly told you what she has allowed, she
would probably understand if you asked her to expect the kids to follow the same
rules at their home. I would ask if it were me.
You might even
say how glad you are that the kids have a strong friendship, (believe me,
it could be a lot worse) and that you hope they will remain friends when
they go away to college. Happy and healthy relationships in early dating that are based on
friendship and common interests are good for teens, and set patterns that
may guide them in the future.
Meanwhile,
unless you really like the boy's parents and want a long term friendship
with them, you don't have to continue the dinner-in-your-homes thing. Perhaps it would be better if you simply get together at logical
times, such as at a school sports or entertainment event, going out for
with pizza afterwards.
Using Critical Thinking on the WWW
Q: We have young elementary school kids, and although the school teaches them
lots of technical things, we are much more concerned about teaching them
to make good choices when they are doing work or searches on the Net. We
want them to learn to evaluate the information they see. What guidelines
could we use in teaching them this? K.S.P Atlanta On Line
A: You are wise parents. It is especially important in today`s e-World for your children learn techniques which help them evaluate information, including web sites. Here are some guidelines from Chapter 8 of the book I recently wrote with my web master and daughter, ``Sams Teach Yourself e-Parenting Today.`` (You can find more excerpts from this book on www.askevelyn.com)
Everyone needs some sort of framework for evaluating web sites. You can use the following checklist to help your kids evaluate some of the sites they visit. We talk more comprehensively about each of the following eight points in Chapter 8 of the book, but here is a short form of the checklist to use as you explore and evaluate sites with your children.
* Approach. How does the style of writing make you feel? Is it rigid, and patronizing or is it comfortable?
* Child Development Knowledge. Do the authors demonstrate that they understand what children can understand and do?
* Credentials. Does the site clearly state the credentials of the authors? Do they have education, expertise, and experience?
* Sponsor. Who is the sponsor, and does the sponsor influence the content and approach, or what is presented on the site?
* Content. Does the content reflect the purpose of the site; is it interesting and frequently updated? Are there several sources of information? Is the site too full of distracting fluff or ``bells and whistles``?
* Navigation. Is it easy to move around in the site to find what you need?
* Links. Are the links helpful and credible, or are they ``fillers.``
* Contact. Can you easily find a way to contact the authors of the site or email them?
Working with your children to internalize and use this list as you work with the PC and Net together is an excellent way to teach children evaluation and critical thinking skills.
Parenting Today
Q: Do you think today`s parents take the job of parenting as
seriously as they used to? Is it harder to parent in the e-World? B.N.
Minot ND
A: There will always be some parents who take the responsibility of parenting seriously and some who don`t. The basics of good parenting are simple and timeless...finding time to enjoy each other, being able to listen and talk, sharing your values, and providing firm, fair and consistent guidance. What`s tough is to do these basic things every day year after year.
The biggest complaint of today`s e-Parents is the lack of time. Many of them are young and ambitious. They want (and think they need) many more things than parents did in twenty years ago, so in many families, both parents work. Working parents have a life, they work hard, and they want to do things they enjoy when they`re not at work.
The problem is that if you have kids, and you want to be an effective parent, you must accept the fact that it takes time to raise them. Time for yourself is important, but time with your kids has to come first. No matter how much they care about their parenting, busy e-World parents often find it difficult to make one on one time for their kids.
Good parenting, like love, means extending yourself for another`s growth. When we look at today`s statistics on troubled kids, it seems that many parents have found this kind of extending just too hard to do.
Being an effective parent means more than giving kids things, or setting up activities for them to do with OTHER people. It means spending a little time with them each day, listening, talking, sharing what you believe, finding out what they believe, and having fun. It means doing things together, from family games and family meals to online activities.
It means taking the time to say ``no`` and explaining why. It means finding creative ways to help kids grow in the ways YOU want them to grow. It means teaching your kids to think critically and to make wise choices in their best long range interest. You CAN do all these things through simple, day to day activities and interactions, using the e-World to enhance your parenting.
Effective parenting happens when you use opportunities to teach small things that make a big difference later. For specific ways to seize these moments to teach self discipline, choice making, responsibility, problem solving and people skills in the e-World, call 800-428-5331 to order my new book ``Sams Teach Yourself e-Parenting Today.``
Games and Life Skills
Q: We have seen the television ads about family game night, and have seen your web
site askevelyn.com where you talk about how family games teach life skills. But
if our kids are 8 to 14, isn`t it already too late to get started?
Jay and Helen, Atlanta
A: No, it is not too late. Researchers say that children from 7-14 really love playing games, including board games and cards and charades, and researchers also say that 8-14 year olds wish their families would play games together more often.
Parents who play games with 8-14 year olds know that these are probably the prime years for family game playing. Even though it is great for families to start the tradition of family game nights when children are younger, (even by age 4) there are several reasons why it is particularly enjoyable to play games with 8-14 year olds.
This age group understands the need for rules in games, and they can also accept that the rules apply not only to others, but to themselves. (Truly a quantum leap of understanding...grin) In addition, 8-14 year olds realize that they must accept the consequences of their choices. These kids can also accept losing more graciously than most 4-6 year olds can.
Preteens and young teens have lots of creativity and a good sense of humor, and they can add a lot of zest to the family tradition of game playing. When they are asked to help plan these events, teens feel important and needed, and add life to the party. Older kids may dress and look like adults, but they are still kids inside...kids who need the feeling of belonging and connectedness that playing family games can give them.
In a family that includes younger children as well as 8-14 year olds, the older siblings can take turns partnering with a younger child. This way even a young child can participate in games that require reading or record keeping like Monopoly, Yahtzee, and Clue.
I recommend playing family games as often as possible for as many years as possible because games not only teach educational skills, they teach LIFE skills. Without even realizing it`s happening, children of any age have fun while they practice critical thinking, choice-making, being honest, and playing fair. Through games they learn about winning and losing, and about patience, perseverance, cooperation and teamwork.
Playing games is something kids will remember all their lives. There is nothing quite like the experience of talking, laughing, snacking and interacting face to face...getting to know each other as regular people. Learn more at Family Game Night, www.familygamenight.com and celebrate family games often during the coming holidays and in the new millennium.
A: There is no way to protect children from the disappointments they will encounter in life. We can actually help most by teaching them that they have the strength to survive disappointments and become stronger. We need to encourage kids to take appropriate risks, and allow them to experience failure.
By ``taking a risk`` I mean things like trying out for the team or the school play or a class election, or trying to make a new friend, or breaking up with someone you`ve outgrown. Only by experiencing these small failures (not small to them) can children learn that they can become stronger by trying, even it they don`t succeed.
It`s like learning to ski. The first thing they teach you is to get up, because, of course, you WILL fall down. Kids need to fall down sometimes too, so that they learn to pick themselves up.
Don`t discourage them from trying, even if you feel their chances of success are slim. One thing they`ll learn from the experience is that often other people can do things better. Kids need to keep testing their capabilities and rediscovering their limitations, even though these keep changing.
And when your kids fail at something, fully acknowledge their disappointment; don't gloss over their feelings. Saying ``Oh that doesn't matter because you're good at such and such,`` or ``I love you anyway.`` Let them own their pain. They need to fully experience that pain and find out they CAN get through it and go on.
Show you care and understand. Share some memories of times you've tried and failed and felt devastated. Kids need to know that failures and disappointments are temporary. Don`t over protect them from failure; allow them to learn from it.
Strong self esteem also means that kids understand and accept themselves as human beings with both limitations and capabilities. And healthy self esteem doesn`t mean that your kids have to feel good about themselves ALL of the time. Help them to grow up being both realistic and positive.
Setting Curfews
Q: I
liked the common sense, practical way you dealt with teen curfews in the
column I read online, and I thought you would really enjoy this story I
have about the perfect solution to getting kids home on time. It`s
actually what my brother did when his girl was 15 and starting to date.
There had already been mucho debates about the curfew time and
consequences of being late, etc. My brother had called off the discussion
and said he`d talk care of the curfew matter.
I happened to be there in the yard when the boy came to take my niece out for her first date. My brother was talking to the boy rather emphatically. (I thought he was making threats.) But then he took something from the boy and turned away, smiling to beat all. I saw him putting a $20 in his breast pocket. So I asked what was going on.
My brother said he had told the boy he needed to provide a $20 deposit before taking Becky out. When the boy asked why, my brother told him, ``If you don`t get her back here on time, not only will you and her be in trouble, but you won`t get this $20 back either.`` I hadn`t thought of that...reaching into a teen`s pocket may be the best way to apply leverage in your favor. J.H. High Point N.C.
A: I hope our readers enjoyed that down home story from NC as much as I did. Meanwhile, if curfews are a problem at your house, remember that the hoopla and arguing often prevents you from saying what you really mean.
You want to say that you set a curfew because you love your kids and want them to be safe. Teens want to say that they`d like you to see that they really are maturing and can handle themselves. Teens and parents need to sit down together and talk about how they really feel.
Parents should hear out the teens ideas on all points, and listen openly, even though parents make the final decisions. Then negotiate the following points:
* A curfew time everyone can live with
* A rule that teens call home if they`ll be late, so parents don`t worry
* Consequences for ignoring the curfew that teens help develop
* Ways that teens can earn more lenient curfews (Important!)
Remember that the WAY you talk about the curfew together will have much more impact on your teens` behavior than the exact time you set.
Mom & Teen
Q: My teen and I read your column about curfews and we liked
the way you emphasized the important things...trust, love, responsibility,
and concern for safety. My teen suggested that I write and share with you
and other parents some of the things I say, especially if she starts with
``Don`t you trust me?``... here goes.
I tell her I DO trust her, and that`s why I let her go so many places on her own. I tell her that I know that when she`s away from me she could do whatever she wants; but she knows I trust her to do the right thing. I suggest to her that this trust is a good thing; don`t blow it.
We talk about my concern for her safety, and the fact that staying out late... past curfew... puts her in danger from a different and more dangerous type of driver than she encounters in the day or early evening.
I tell her the reciprocal safety agreements I`ve set up with my own adult friends so that if one of us is stranded we have someone to rely on. I stress that safety is a lifelong habit all of us need; we need to put her safety patterns in place now.
I also tell her that I am legally responsible for her actions, and that as long as she is a minor and lives with me, it is fair and right that I have a say in where and when she goes and what she does.
I tell her that I really do understand that she wants to grow up and make all her own decisions, but that as a parent, I have a moral obligation to make some judgment calls if I think she is putting herself in a potentially dangerous situation that she might not be willing or able to handle.
I stress that I`m the one who is responsible for her safety, but she has to help. I tell her that I gave up beer and coffee for nine months, so I have some rights. I even tell her I wonder how I`m doing as a parent and that it`s a scary job. She rolls her eyes, but I think she gets it. C.B.N. Peoria
A: Your letter is the best use of my column space today, a holiday gift for all moms and daughters. Your letter shows us a caring relationship between a mom and daughter who are smart, logical, and independent, who love and respect each other as people, and who help each other grow as women. Thank you for your gift of sharing some of yourselves with us.
Does outgoing 4 year old need harness?
Q: We have a four year old who is very outgoing and
talks to anyone and everyone. Things are pretty bad when you are afraid to take
a friendly child shopping with you, but we have been separated in the store once
already. Should I get him a harness? Angie in Atlanta
A: Christmas shopping will make your problem even harder. Personally, I don`t like harnesses for kids, but I do understand that some parents might need to use one. He probably loves to shop with you, so why not talk with him first about the potential danger, and explain that he cannot go with you unless he holds your hand or stays very close. The two of you also need a PLAN.
It is likely that he is going to be separated from you again (unless you resort to a harness or some electronic device). So he needs to know exactly what to do...a plan of action.
If you become separated, he should not look for you, and should never never go to where you parked your car. He needs to go straight to a store clerk. He should ask, ``Do you work here? Please help me, I`m lost. my name is.....``
You should help him recognize store clerks in various stores by their name tags and/or uniforms, and their placement by cash registers. After you point these out a few times, have a quiz, and get him to identify store workers for you.
Now for the best part. The two of you should practice this plan of action. Go to a store where you are well known and explain what you are going to do. Have your son practice going to a store worker for help. When you ``separate`` keep an eye on him to see if he moves quickly to follow the plan. Practice in another store if you can.
Teach your kids their full name, address, phone number and email. They should also know mom and dad`s full names. No kidding, many young children don`t know their parents` names. Also teach your children how to call you long distance.
NOTE: W.T. of Sacramento wrote to say he liked the column on how to stay involved with the school, even if you both work, and pointed out that I forgot to mention being involved in the PTA. Certainly an oversight! There are many ways you can be active through this organization. Call your local PTA or look at www.PTA.org to see their many services and publications.
Quality Family Time
Q: We had some great times with our kids this summer
and wonderful memories. But now that school has started, how do we sustain that
kind of quality time? Everyone is so busy now. D.M. Sacramento CA
A: Perhaps the times you can arrange to be together as a family will be shorter, or there may be fewer family times per week, but the quality of that time does not have to change. After all, when your children grow up and are adults you may see them only a few weeks during a year, However, if your children have grown up valuing family activities, they will continue to do so, and you will still squeeze lots of quality time into your visits.
The core or foundation of quality family time is conversation...the face to face interaction and fun that takes place whenever family members get together, even for a brief time. For example, the sharing and laughter that occurs when families play board games or cards together makes lasting memories and creates a family tradition that is passed on to each new generation.
The kinds of interchanges that happens during family meals, games or other activities also give children a strong sense of belonging to the family group. This sense of connectedness is increasingly important in our fast paced, ever changing world.
Even though school has started and you have less free time, you can still find ways to put quality family time into your lives. In 168 hours in a week, you can still take a walk or a drive or look at the night sky, or make a pizza together, or bake cookies. You can still find ways to eat some dinners together, and enjoy other activities together at least once a week, like family games.
Many parents are starting to have a weekly ``Family Game Night`` making it a priority to spend an hour or two a week with their kids, having fun together. To learn more about this idea, you can write for a free ``Family Game Night`` brochure to HASBRO FAMILY GAME NIGHT P.O.Box 5659, Pawtucket, RI 02862, or you can email your request and your address to fgn@Hasbro.com
The brochure, which was developed with The National Parenting Center (tnpc.com), gives tips on how to start a ``Family Game Night`` and how to expand on its fun, as well as information on all the life skills and educational skills children learn while they are playing games with their families. You can also find out about ``Family Game Night`` on my web site, askevelyn.com
First parent teacher conference
Q: We
are really nervous about our first parent teacher conference. We don't
know what to expect. What kinds of questions should we take with us, if
any? O.B. Billings MT
A: Thousands of parents feel just like you do about their first school conference, but remember that most teachers are just as nervous as you are. They need to get information and share your child`s progress in a very short time, and usually their next appointment is waiting in the wings.
The best thing to do is remember that what you have to say is just as important as what the teacher will say. The purpose of the conference is to SHARE information that will help your child`s teacher do the best possible job of planning and teaching. You know your child best. Jot down what you think is most important about his/her personality, strengths, learning style, talents and interests. Tell the teacher what motivates your child, what makes him/her eager to learn.
To make the best use of your short time with the teacher, prepare by taking some notes before the conference:
* Decide whether or not you want to share any family problems that may affect your child`s learning.
* Ask your child what he/she thinks you should talk about; this may be a clue to preventing problems.
* Write down your questions in priority order in case time is short. Be specific. Do you want to know how your child gets along with others? Do you want suggestions on friendships to be encouraged? Do you want to know how your child`s progress is assessed? Do you want to see samples of his/her work? Does the teacher keep a portfolio of work samples or a grade record book? Is your child completing tasks in about the same amount of time as others?
During the conference:
* Listen carefully; do not interrupt, but jot down your questions as the teacher talks.
* Tell the teacher your child`s talents and strengths, and what you have observed about his/her learning style and motivation. This is the only way the teacher will get this information!
* Ask the questions you brought with you, and any others you wrote down during the conference.
* If there are any problems, brainstorm ways to work on them together as a parent and teacher team; decide on specific ways to help at home, and on types of praise and reinforcement you will both use.
* Leave a card with your home and work phone numbers and your email address, and when you get home, talk to your child about the conference.
Kids and pc safety
Q: Our
children are only three and five. We have a personal computer and we do
searches, use email, and write letters, but are not into chat rooms. We
are already afraid that our kids will know more than we do about the
computer in a few years. How are we going to protect them from the dangers
of email from strangers and bad chat rooms?
A: You are aware parents; you are already taking the first step. At school the children will learn how to use the computer, but the school cannot teach them to make wise, safe choices, or insure that they will come to you if they have a problem.
What your kids do online in a few years will depend a lot on what you are doing right now. Do you listen (as well as talk) to your kids, and can you have conversations about ANYthing the child wants to know? Do you enjoy each others company and do things together as a family? Do your children understand that you have safety rules about many things because you love them and want them to be safe.
Experts in online safety for children say that good parent-child communication is your very best tool for preventing problems. If your children have always been able to come to you with problems, and if they know you will listen and help them, even when they make a mistake, they will probably continue to do so. While your kids are young, develop and keep using the best parent child communication possible. Other tips...
* Talk about stranger danger on the PC and Net and tell children why they should never to give out ANY personal information online. Do NOT allow your kids to do online profiles; they attract predators.
* Use the PC and Net TOGETHER. If you make a habit of using the computer together from the beginning, your children will not think it`s strange for you to talk about their online activities or friends they are talking with.
* The PC is a family appliance, like a phone. It should be placed in an area of the house where everyone can use it and see each other using it.
* Find and enjoy good sites for fun and learning together. Try Nickjr.com, TheIdeaBox.com, Smarterkids.com, kidscom.com, kidspsych.org, and webwisekids.com for starters.
* Read the excellent letter to parents on webwisekids.com
* Use an internet service provider filter system instead of a software filter to keep porn out of your home.
* Watch for my book, ``e-Parenting`` in the SAMS Teach Yourself Today series, available in January.
Adjusting to Jr. High
Q: Our daughter is attending junior high this year, in seventh grade. She went from
the small grade school she had always attended and a host of friends, to a gigantic junior
high fed by 15 grades schools. Now she moves from class to class, knows very few
classmates, has a gym locker, music locker and coat/books locker which has a combination
she can`t master, has to take one bus to school and another one home...and at the bus stop
there are two waves of 20 buses each. These changes make it very hard for any child, or
even an adult, to adjust! Why can`t the school system could do something to make these
changes easier so kids could get a good start in junior high? Is there anything we can do
as parents? S.B. On Line
A: Yes, you would think that educators and administrators would address the needs of the CHILDREN in this situation, even though they have a lot of logistics to attend to when school starts. We know that the age of adolescence is bad enough without making it harder.
But there is something you could do. Some school systems DO address these challenges for kids. The school system you described is much the same as the one our children attended when they went form the little ``country`` school to the consolidated junior high. But our school system did have a plan to help out the kids, and it worked very well.
About three weeks before school started, they called for parent volunteers who could spend shifts of just a couple of hours at the junior high during the first week of school. About 25 parents (in a seventh grade class of nearly 900) came to the volunteer meeting. It was a well organized hour in which we practiced the locker combinations, got maps of the building, and information on buses and routes.
Some of us volunteered for an hour at arrival time and others for an hour at dismissal. Any inconvenience was amply overcome by the rewards! We saw kids who were scared, confused and frustrated. Our help brought smiles of relief and gratitude.
Set a date to talk to your school administrators about this volunteer plan and describe it. Make a list of additional potential volunteers, such as retired citizens, or honor students from the ninth grade to add to parent volunteers. You will do an enormous and needed service for all children if you can get this off the ground in your school district. Good luck!
New School
Q: My husband got a job promotion and
we recently made a rather sudden move from the Midwest to Houston. Since we got here, our
oldest, a 9 year old daughter, has been misbehaving and saying mean, spiteful things to
us, which she never did before! We know the move was hard on her, but now what can we do
to help? K.P. Houston
A: The sudden move is probably the main cause of changes in her behavior. You didn`t have much time to prepare, or help her anticipate some of the advantages of living in Houston. You`ve been busy unpacking, decorating, and finding new health care people. Moving into a hot, sticky climate is not easy, either.
But now she really needs your help in adjusting to the new home and new school. At 9, peers are very important; leaving good friends at that age is tough on kids. Telling her you understand will help. Keeping the old friends while learning to make new ones will help, too.
Help her stay in touch with friends by using email, the phone, and by exchanging cassettes. If she has a simple camera and film, she can take photos to send by email or regular mail. Her old friends will want to know about her new house and Houston, which, along with Galveston and the beaches, has many opportunities for fun. Maybe someone will plan a visit.
Tips to prepare for school:
* Be sure that the old school has sent the children's records priority or certified mail to the new school; check this out! Be sure all health records are up to date.
* Get your daughter involved in helping your younger children deal with anxieties they may have about their new school; whatever she does will help her too, and she won`t have to admit she is nervous.
* Visit the new school before it starts to see the classrooms, cafeteria, playground, and meet the teachers.
* If they will ride a bus, find out all you can about these logistics, and prepare the kids with information and reassurance.
* Start having them go to bed earlier NOW, so that school days won`t start in a hectic rush. (Make mornings calmer by laying out clothes and ``school stuff`` the night before.)
* If you explain why, the teachers may give you any names of other parents of children in their classes who may live near you. Having at least one acquaintance at a new school is important.
Assess your daughter`s previous interests and see what opportunities in Houston match up. Search the web as well as the usual resources. You have missed the annual rodeo, but the area is full of history, music, sports, and all the arts. Check out 4 H and Scouts. Build on any activities that will help her find some new friends with like interests.
Looping in the Classroom
Q: What can you tell me about looping? Does it
relate to the muti age classroom? K.W. On Line
A: Looping is the
practice of allowing a teacher to work with the same students for 2 years or more. This
often allows teachers to really get to know the students and their learning styles; this,
in turn, helps teachers to individualize the teaching to meet student needs.
Looping can also help students and teachers form strong bonds, giving the student more
support with the learning process. Looping can be done in any grade and in either
``regular`` classrooms or in multi age classrooms.
Looping is described in Jim Grant`s book, ``Retention and Its Prevention.`` Grant states
several advantages to this technique. Jim Grant has written three very helpful and
practical books on school issues, and I highly recommend all of them. ``I Hate School``
and ``Developmental Education in an Era of High Standards,`` which is his latest book.
(Modern Learning Press; 12.95)
Kindergarten Readiness
Q: Our son has
a late fall birthday, and even though it would be more "convenient" for us to
put him in kindergarten this year, (we both work) we want to do what's best for him. We
think he will be more successful in school, long term, if he has another year at home and
in his excellent preschool. He will have another year to mature in every way. However, he
will be disappointed when a few friends go to kindergarten this fall. Are we doing the
right thing?
- M.M. On Line AOL
A: I think you are making a wise decision based on your son's best long term interests. I realize that putting your child's needs above your own is not easy. In addition to your child's unique needs, you have to consider economics, logistics, work schedules, after school options, school policy on entry age (which differs among the states) and what kind of kindergarten your child would attend.
Long term research tells us that children who are younger than most of the others in a kindergarten class have a more difficult time being successful in kindergarten and throughout the elementary years. In addition, kindergarten programs across the country range from those that are highly teacher centered, structured, and based on isolated skill teaching through drill and work sheets to those which have developmentally appropriate classrooms where children take an active role in hands on learning projects covering all aspects of learning. Some kindergarten teachers have specific early education college training; some have none.
Many early childhood authorities believe that until there is more consistency in the training of kindergarten teachers to implement the kind of developmentally based curriculum that would help ALL children (even the youngest) be successful, it may be best to wait a year, using a quality preschool or child care center, rather than send the child to kindergarten too soon. Parents making this decision should visit kindergartens and investigate these issues thoroughly before making a decision.
Other reasons to wait a year can be found by looking into the future. If your child is the youngest in the class, many of his/her friends will be able to have drivers' permits and jobs a year earlier. If your family values sports, your child has a better chance to succeed if he is older, not younger than the rest. If your child is younger than most of the others, puberty will arrive for them much earlier, often causing your child to feel somewhat like a misfit. You are doing the right thing; make the most of this wonderful "extra" year with your son.
Here are the top 10 signs of a good Kindergarten. From
"Early Years are Learning Years" copywrite 1996, NAEYC
1. Children are playing and working with materials or other children, not
aimlessly wandering or forced to sit for long periods.
2. Children have access to various activities in learning centers during the day, such as
block building, pretend play, books, art materials and table toys.
3. Teachers work with individual children, small groups and the whole group at different
times during the day.
4. The classroom is decorated with children's original art and literacy work.
5. Children learn numbers and the alphabet within the context of everyday experiences,
projects and hands on activities.
6. Children work on projects and have at least one hour of uninterrupted time to play and
explore in the learning centers. Workbooks and dittos are not their primary activity.
7. Children have the opportunity for fresh air and active play outdoors each day that the
weather permits.
8. Teachers read books and use a variety of storytelling or literacy techniques throughout
the day.
9. Curriculum is adapted for those who are ahead and for those who need additional help;
children do not all learn things at the same time or in the same way.
10. Children are eager learners and parents are welcome in school. Individual
kindergartens and curriculum will vary, but all developmentally appropriate kindergartens
will focus on the development of the whole child.
Grocery store tantrums
Q: I`m 17 and I read
your column about tantrums in public places. I wanted to tell about what OUR mom did when
my brother and I tried a tantrum in the grocery when we were little. Without a single
word, she put back all the groceries and walked us to the car. By then we realized we had
done something wrong and she calmly told us what it was. We went right home, and neither
of us ever threw a tantrum again. After that, if we were in the store and had behaved very
well, sometimes she would get us a little piece of candy at checkout, but we never asked
for something. We knew that the way to get rewards was not to ask, or else ask just once,
but not again if she said no.
Now, as teens, both of us want things, but we don't
over do it. I am really shocked at the
way my friends talk about the clothes and stuff they make their parents get them.
It's not
reasonable. My brother and I feel lucky to have such great parents. Our mom's
the greatest
and our dad is awesome too. When I read your column (though I don't
plan to be a parent
myself for a long time) it seems like sound advice. If that sounds cocky coming from a 17
year old, I apologize. I liked your web site askevelyn.com too. Keep up the good work.
Tiff On Line
A: You are lucky
to have such wise and caring parents. Your mom was actually doing ``contracting`` with you
in the grocery store. Instead of talking about what she expected or about the consequences
or rewards, she just SHOWED you. She knew you were smart enough to figure it out, and you
did. It obviously made a lasting impression.
At 17, you do not have unrealistic expectations about life, because your parents have not
given you the things you wanted just because you wanted them. You have learned that, most
of the time, we have to work or wait for many things, and not get them ``now.`` You also
know that many things are earned, not just given. Instant gratification does not happen
often in the real world, and your parents have prepared you for that. They have tried to
focus on what was in your best long term interest, and they seem to have taught you to do
the same.
Saving Family Traditions
Q: My
wife and I saw a recent television show about how the world has changed and continues to
change, faster and faster. One commentator talked about the need to carve out ways to save
what is important to you, like time with your kids or family traditions, or they could be
lost. So is being a good parent totally different now? Is nothing the same? S.S. Nashville
A: I also saw ``Wired for Sound,`` part one of an 8 week series called ``Brave New World`` on ABC, and I think it might be a good thing for parents to watch. Our daily life seems to move so fast that we often forget that the little things that mean so much in a family could get lost in the shuffle...things like eating together, picnics, conversations, walks, and playing games together.
Sometimes we need to realize how easily we can lose these family traditions. We need to be aware, as that TV special pointed out, of the ways ordinary things like cell phones, remotes, and fast foods have changed us. When we ARE aware parents, it is easier to hang onto what we feel is important and still function well in our changing world.
I think that what makes a good parent has not really changed. Our methods are varied, and the way we DO our parenting has changed, along with changes in the world and technology. But I believe that good parenting is based on three basic components which are pretty much the same as they have always been,
* Show an aware interest. If you are aware that your parenting makes a difference in the way kids turn out, you will show an ongoing interest in what your kids are like and what they are doing and learning. An aware interest (especially in the early years) will have an impact.
* Provide guidance. Share the things you believe in with your children...let them know what is important to you. Then provide guidance in learning the life skills you think they will need, like self discipline, confidence and responsibility.
* Have fun. Bonds of lasting friendship, easy and open communication, and a feeling of ``belonging`` ALL happen naturally and become stronger when you have fun together, either one-on-one or as a family.
These basics of good parenting are timeless and universal. They were things my parents did in the 50`s and that their great, great grandparents did long before that in a totally different world. To be most effective today, perhaps we just need to parent a bit differently, using the best of technology in new ways that integrate what we want from the ``e-world`` with our family- world.
Save Head Start
Q: I
heard they're planning to dismantle Head Start (one of the only government
programs that WORK) and put it into the Dept. of Education, letting each state
(public school people) run it. What a disaster! Head Start has been successful for 37 years, so if it "ain't
broke" why "fix" it? I also heard that they want Head Start children to read before they are
5, which is totally inappropriate for most 5's (I'm a teacher) and will cause
frustration and damage self esteem in most children, except for a few who learn
to read on their own anyway. I was in Head Start and they did far more than teach me letters! I was ready for school in every way, and eager to learn. Head
Start also helped my mom get new skills and a good job, gave us health education, and taught us how to be involved with our
children's education. Parent involvement is a key to children's success in school. Public schools never made me feel welcome as a parent. Making Head Start a public school type program is a mistake! What do you think? R.B.O. Memphi
A: I agree. I often do curriculum training for Head Start programs, and have written
several books for early education teachers. I often work with other consultants to review Head Start programs to make
sure they are complying with the high standards of the Federal guidelines,
which, by the way, have influenced improvements in the quality of early
education in every state!
I've worked with over 400 Head Start
programs in 26 states, and I've seen that Head Start, now within the Dept. of
Health and Human Services, IS working well, and is constantly improving its
educational standards. These
programs run on no frills budgets; they teach children comprehensive skills and
strengthen families. I fear that
the Dept. of Education and the states might damage Head Start, not improve it.
Research has proven that Head Start
accomplishes its goals and that the children it serves are less likely to drop
out of school or need special education and retention. Learn
more on the national Head Start web site, www.NHSA.org. Here are a few more facts:
* Head Start has enormous, long standing, and effective networking systems in every community to provide training to parents and staff and to serve children and families without duplication of services.
* Many qualified parents are hired as aides, cooks, secretaries and bus drivers. This gets them off welfare, provides a career path, and encourages further education.
* Each Head Start program serves special needs and handicapped children. It also does daily individualized teaching of educational and life skills to meet the needs of each and every child.
* Head Start's quality standards are consistent across the country; in the hands of each state, consistent standards are unlikely.
* Head Start's educational priorities are taken very seriously and include daily experiences in literacy, creative problem solving, math and science, as well as physical skills, social skills, ecology and anti bias. Children are prepared to be readers and life long learners through active hands on learning, not rote. If you want to keep it that way, write to Congress. Feel free to send them this column.Seven Year Old Fears Death
Q: My
7-year-old son is talking a lot about death lately. He says he doesn't want me
or his father to die. I
remember his older brother did this at the same age. Is this the age where they suddenly understand the meaning of death? Do I need help from a professional? Susan, On line in Nashville
A: Yes, this is
the age when children suddenly make the connection that THEY
can die. Prior to that children may have an understanding that death is
final, such as in the death of a pet, or even a relative. They may even
think about their parents' possible death between the ages of 4 and 7, but they
don't usually recognize their own mortality until about age seven.
Your son may not be telling you the full extent of his fears. But
I believe that since he now understands his own mortality, he is saying he fears
your deaths, instead of telling you that he fears his own death.
Some children are more sensitive than others about this issue, and tend to dwell
on it because they want to discuss it but don't know how. What he needs to
talk honestly with you about his fear and receive reassurance of your health and
his. He also needs to understand
that death and renewal are a natural part of life.
You can show him many examples of this; they're all around us in nature. Go to the library and ask for help in finding some children's books about
death and renewal (there are many) and books about how someone we love who
passes on will always be alive in our memories.
You can also look for a book for yourself on this topic, like "How Do We
Tell the Children" (Newmarket, 1986) by Dan Schaefer and Christine Lyons,
which would give you some ideas about how to help your child talk openly of his
fears. The library can help you find a more current resource.
It's also very important for you to help your child see all the ways you help
maintain the health and well being of all your family members. Make a list
before you talk with him about his fears…regular doctor visits and physicals,
flu shots and vaccinations, taking vitamins, eating nutritious foods, getting
daily rest and exercise, taking vacations,
having fun together, etc. All of
these things help people to live for a very long time.
Be calm, patient and loving and let him know it is ok to have fears, and that
talking about them is the best way
to cope with them and feel better.
Privilege without Responsibility Breeds Affluenza
Q: My fifteen
year old daughter is very angry with me. She wants a certain kind of expensive
and monogrammed ipod and I simply couldn’t afford to get it. She says I let her
down by not getting it. She had wanted to have it to show off to her friends at
a certain event. I gave her as much money as I could ($100) instead, but she’s
still furious. I don’t understand. I do the best I can to buy her what she
wants. Why do she and her friends think that they should have whatever they
want no matter what. I just don’t know what to do. Frustrated Dad Online
My husband dealt with him this morning and sent him to go sit on the naughty
step and then to say sorry after a few minutes. I dealt with him this
afternoon by putting him in his buggy and getting him to say he was sorry.
Is there anything else we can do to get him to understand that what he is
doing is hurting people and not to do it? Nancy W. Online
A: You’re not alone. Many teens today are furious with their parents when they want something and can’t have it exactly when they want it…which is usually immediately. You need to have a candid discussion about money, needs and wants, and you need to work on making her understand that in the real world, you are not simply entitled to have what you want when you want it just because you exist. This “entitlement” attitude is rampant in the behaviors of many of today’s teens.
Explain that in the real world you have to earn money for what you want, or wait while you save up for it. Give her real facts, examples and details, not just generalizations. Make sure she understands the words “budget” and “afford” and “lay away.” Make a list of expenses that go out each month and compare this to what money comes in each month. We all wish money management could be taught in school but it’s not. It’s your job as a parent to teach her these things or she will be totally unprepared for the real world of work that awaits her.
Unfortunately many teens think that credit cards pay themselves and have no effect on the family’s budget, long term goals or credit reports. But remember that they didn’t get this attitude overnight. For many years you’ve probably have been trying to be a “good guy” and a buddy and have been giving her what she wanted whenever she wanted it.
But you forgot to teach her that every privilege comes hand in hand with responsibility. You didn’t realize that this omission would be a problem. It’s time to stop giving in to her right now, because it’s in her best long term interest to learn about the difference between wants and needs, and about delayed gratification. She will be furious now, but when she’s older she’ll be glad she knows about managing her money.
Recently I heard a news report in which they referred to this teenage attitude as the disease of “affulenza.” Constantly wanting to get more things and wanting far more than you can afford affects most teens, not just those of affluent families. The worst symptom of affluenza or the entitlement attitude is that today’s kids are starting to equate their self worth with how much stuff they have or can buy. If you truly care about your daughter’s self esteem, start curing her of affulenza now.
Shopping Fever and Affluenza
Q: A few weeks ago you wrote about “affluenza” and children who feel entitled to get what they want when they want it. I think the shopping to get more and more stuff is addictive. Out teens have small jobs and their own money but they always want more than they have. What’s going on? Worried Mom Online
A: We need to look at this issue in context with the values of our own society, the impact of the media and our own modeling. The United States is the biggest consumer in the world, and a research study a few years ago stated that we were NINE times more consumptive than other Western cultures. As parents, you need to work hard to keep your child in touch with the real world regardless of peer and media pressures. You may also need to try to set a good example; it’s not easy.
Watch TV with the kids at least once a week and question and critique advertising that tells your kids they NEED some product to be happy or pretty pr popular or powerful. Tell them that ads are on TV to make people buy things; ads are not necessarily the truth. Your words and feelings ring true with your children, and even if you don’t have these discussions often, they go long way in influencing them.
You need to ask yourself “Do we need it? Or do we just want it?” And then you need to see if it’s within your budget to get it if you “just want it.” More importantly you need to teach your children to do this too; they can only learn the difference between wants and needs with your help. (Consider this when you are tempted to buy a giant television just so you can watch the Super Bowl.)
The thing that upsets me most is that kids who have shopping fever seem to define happiness by what is latest or newest. Since nothing is “new” very long, they keep wanting more and at a faster rate, but they can never really hold on to the happiness. When parents support this habit with money (perhaps due to guilt about not spending more time with the kids) it simply becomes more addictive for kids to buy, buy, buy.
People who study this trend say that if your children are using shopping as “therapy” or to feel a “high,” or if they lie to you about what something cost, or if they simply must browse the net or mall each day, there is a problem. What underlies the problem is the child’s self esteem, or really, the lack of it.
They are equating self esteem and happiness with things to own, use, or wear.
We must raise our children from toddlers to teens to feel both loveable and capable as people. We do this with descriptive, honest praise and by appreciating their special talents or unique personality traits. We do it by nurturing their independence, competency and their work ethic. We teach them that happiness and feeling good about yourself is not about what you own, use or wear, but what you are as a person. For more ideas see www.connectwithkids.com
Family Meetings
Q: In our blended family we have 2 sets of twins 8yrs & 10yrs old (my
husband's) and one 13 year old, mine. We just learned that my husband also has another child, a 12yr old
daughter. She's coming over soon so we can all get to know each other. My husband wanted to make her a "welcome home" sign, but I
don't like that idea, because of how the other kids may feel. We're
still adjusting to being a family and now we have a new half sister. How can we welcome her without making the others feel less valued? R. P. Online
A: Since it is the kids' feelings you are worried about, get them involved! Have a "family meeting" to explain the situation honestly and talk about how you feel. Your children are old enough to understand that you want to welcome her but not at the expense of their feelings. Have THEM help you decide what to do. Let them know you trust them to do the planning and that you respect their ideas. They can help plan the party so it's fun and comfortable for all
Q: The family meeting and having the kids decide on what to do is a wonderful idea. But the down side is that the twins won't talk about anything openly and honestly with their father. They're afraid of hurting his feelings or saying something that might upset him. They are open and honest with me, because I don't judge, criticize, or make their ideas seem less than important than anyone else's. They all have a hard time talking with their dad. They say he doesn't listen; he jumps in with his own opinion before they finish. But I want our decisions to be made as a team, not with me as a go between. How can I handle that? R.P. Online
A:
Talk
to him honestly about the hesitancy of his kids to speak openly. Convince him that he should not attend this first family planning
session. Put it to him that if he wants the children be able to communicate openly and honestly with their
parents as they should...(which will help prevent teen problems)...then you need
to get the kids used to talking to you first.
Have him join in at the next family meeting
as a silent spectator. Then the
children will realize that they can talk openly and trust him not to interrupt
or berate them. When he sees that family meetings and this kind of
discussion DOES work, he can join in.
The most successful family meetings meet regularly once a week, let each person have a turn to talk, do problem solving about issues, vote on solutions they will try, and usually put rules or contracts into writing and sign them. Kids give input and ideas that are respected, but parents make final decisions. End each meeting by having each person say something nice about another person that they noticed that week.
Can Quitting Teach Anything?
this normal behavior. Keep letting him try new things, and don't over react if
he quits. He will learn a great deal about himself and what he likes from these
experiences. When he finds what he really likes, he will stop quitting.
There’s LOTS of time for him to learn the lessons you want him to learn! In the
years to come he will be learning these values from many sources. But most of
what he learns about the values you want him to have will be learned from YOUR
OWN MODELING as a fine dad and mom. Consider this: How can you teach your
values if he spends more of his free time elsewhere than with you?
If you want him to learn your values, don’t send him off to be with other people
to use up most of his leisure time. A little of this is enough.
Instead do things together as a family. He will learn many life skills and
values PLUS there will be an increase and expansion of good communication and
strong interpersonal bonds with you and your wife if you play family games
together or do simple “family time” activities together each week. The
window of opportunity you have to make an impact before he wants to spend time
elsewhere with activities and peers is very short. Make the most of it.
Spend as much time together enjoying EACH OTHER as possible.
It’s really hard to let go of the person we knew in the past and accept that our child is becoming a new individual. Although it’s wonderful to enjoy the memories of what there were like when they were little, we cannot let nostalgia blur our vision of who they are now and what they need from us now. Remember that teens are growing into unique people who may have surprisingly different talents, ideas, and opinions from what we always expected, but that’s okay. We accept and respect differences among our fellow workers and friends; we can learn to accept and respect differences in our teens, too. Here are more tips
Parent School Conferences
Q:
Remember that what you have to say as parents is just as important as what the teacher has to say. YOU are the expert on your own child. The purpose of parent-teacher conferences is to share information that will help the teacher do the best job of planning and teaching your child. It should be a two-way conversation and team effort.
You know your son best. Jot down some brief notes about what you think the teacher should know about his learning style, interests, personality and strengths. You can even type this on the computer and print it out to leave with the teacher if you wish. It will help the teacher understand what interests your child and what makes him eager to learn.
Before the conference, write down your own questions in priority order in case your time is short. Be specific. Does he get along with others? Does he complete tasks in a timely manner? How does the teacher assesses his progress? Do you want to see a portfolio of samples of your son’s work? Are there any health problems you need to share? Here are some tips for the actual conference
3-year-old Runner
He’s attending pre-school two full days a week. This is a big transition for
him, and I’m concerned that he may not learn his boundaries at school quickly
enough to stay safe and stay in the program. He loves school; we love him! He’s
generally a happy, healthy, outgoing kid. I will not "leash" him. Any other
suggestions would be appreciated. But this has to stop! HELP! E.R. Online
By the way, as I’ve said in other columns, “time out” that requires sitting in a chair for a while doesn’t work well with three’s. They are too young to really understand the concept and how it ties in to their behavior. If he’s having a tantrum about not being able to run off, hold him very firmly on your lap until he relaxes and breathes normally. Then tell him your rule and your reasons in terms of his safety.
Toddler Bites Others
Q: My toddler is 2years and 4months and he has recently started biting others. He bit his older brother this morning and left a terrible mark. He tried to bite someone at his local play club this afternoon. He is not going up to them and biting them for no reason, he is biting through anger from being teased or pushed and shoved. I understand that all he is doing is defending himself, but in the wrong way.
My husband dealt with him this morning and sent him to go sit on the naughty step and then to say sorry after a few minutes. I dealt with him this afternoon by putting him in his buggy and getting him to say he was sorry. Is there anything else we can do to get him to understand that what he is doing is hurting people and not to do it? Nancy W. OnlineA: I agree that you need to deal with this and address it now, before it becomes a
pattern or habit of interaction. But two's (and most threes) rarely understand what it means to say "sorry", especially if time has passed between the event of the biting and the time you try to attempt time outs or punishment.Twos, and sometimes even threes, do not really understand the concept of time out. The only way to do effective time outs with this age group is try to anticipate the problem beforehand, and hold the child very firmly in one's lap and say “No,” waiting until the child relaxes and breathes normally to make a simple explanation of the "no" and the reason. The time out or the punishment must occur at the time when the child misbehaves, not later.
Twos and threes do understand the word "hurt." Let your child know that
if he bites, the person/child who is bitten "hurts" a lot. As an adult you should show empathy for the child who is the victim, not the perpetrator. In other words your play group supervisor should say "no" to the biter and should comfort and give attention to the one bitten or "hurt."
On the other hand, make sure the supervisor understands that your child is defending himself and that he/she MUST intervene when others are bullying your child. At the time of intervention, if your child does not bite, (even if it's the caregiver who prevents the biting) the caregiver should also acknowledge that your child restrained himself and did not bite the other child who was teasing or bullying.The caregiver should make all possible efforts to praise him for NOT biting, saying "You remembered that it hurts when someone gets bitten; you did not bite. Good! I'm really proud of you." Positive reinforcement will probably work much better than other methods, and will help him begin to learn to use self-control. .
Bed Wetting
Q
Our son
didn't get potty trained until nearly age 4. He’s 7 now and still wets the bed
a lot. Even though he goes just before he gets in bed he still has accidents at
night. Is there something more we can do for him to help him stop this? He gets
real embarrassed when he wakes up and knows he had an accident. B.L. Online
A
We had this problem with our grandson, who was a very
deep sleeper. We got him up (even though he was mostly sleepwalking) about
midnight and set him on the toilet. We did this for at least two months or so.
Sometimes we were still up, and other times we set an alarm to go get him up.
But going that one time to the bathroom at night helped him train himself to
wake up once and go on his own.
Child Needs Preschool But Dad Objects
Q. My child will be four in May of 2008. I had every intention to enroll him in preschool to help him gain a step ahead in his education. I grew up in a household where education was very important. My father has two degrees; I have an associates. However my husband and his mother were only educated through high school. They also say it is far too expensive. But my own parents are considering helping out with the expenses. How do I convince my mother in law and husband that preschool is important and worthwhile to our child?
A. First you can go online to find sites that tell of the importance of learning in the early years...and all the new research that tells us thatlearning starts very, very early, in infancy. One such site is
iamyourchild.com, but there are many. See my website www.askevelyn.com for other links and resources. Print out what you find that will help convince them that early education is important, especially in today’s world that has changed so much in the last decade.
An excellent way to solve your problem regarding cost is to enroll your son child in a Head Start program, which in most cases is free. Fours are a high priority in the Head Start enrollment process, as are children with any
type of special needs, even speech. Head Start is an excellent program with high standards for hands on learning and it emphasizes math, science and literacy in all its programs.
There are many types of Head Start programs. Some are joint partnerships with child care provider programs. Some have home visitors that will come to your home to work with your child on certain days of the week and have your child go to the center on other days, or at least go to the preschool center once a month for an experience with other children.
You may think that Head Start takes only children from low income families, but the formula also takes other things into consideration, including family size and needs, as well as income. Also, many people do not know that Head Start also takes a certain percentage of over income children, and you might qualify in that way. You need to call your local Head Start program to talk about your own situation.
If you can find no Head Start that has openings, at least use the National Association for the Education of Young Children to help in your search for a child care center. Call 800-424-2460 for their free brochure about what to look for in a good program.
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Copyright © 1999 Evelyn Petersen. All Rights Reserved