Ask Evelyn
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Child's Low Grades Creates a Parent Dilemma

Q
Our 12 year old son went from straight A's last year in 5th grade to B's and now a C in the third quarter of 6th grade. We set a rule at the beginning of the year that if he got lower than a B, he could not play sports. He is very active player…soccer in the fall, winter basketball and summer (his all time favorite) baseball.  He just received his 3rd quarter report (C+) in Social Studies. We have told him that he cannot play baseball. This is his last year to play in Little League and our family (the grandparents) and friends and co-workers think it’s  mean not to let him play anyway, even though we have had this rule in place since September.  What do you think?  Are we being too strict?  Will our son resent us?  If we let him play, will he just think we’re “easy” or will he be grateful?  Please help.  B. Online

A
I think that only you and your husband can answer these questions and make the right decision for your son and yourselves. Your son has known that the rule was in place for months.  You need to consider what he will think of your rules in the future if you change them this time and allow him to play baseball, even though he knew the consequences of letting his grade drop.  Will he resent you and hold a grudge, or will he respect you?  If you say he can play, will this erode future contracts you may make with him?  Or will he be so grateful that he will never let his grades get lower again.  You know your son best; what do you think?

Whatever you decide, it’s best not to listen to the friends and co-workers or even the grandparents.  You are the parents and this is YOUR decision, not theirs. I really think, however, that it would be worth while if you ask your son honestly what HE thinks you should do. 

It would be good to involve him in this dilemma because he would have to really think about this situation, and put himself in your shoes.  And why not?  He caused the problem.  He should become a part of the solution and part of the decision you all make.  It would be good for him to fully realize that there are consequences for his choices and behaviors.   It is in his best long-term interest to understand that.

Perhaps you can discuss this and brainstorm as a family and come up with an  alternative consequence or punishment so that he could still play baseball.  I don't know how that would work out, but I do feel that all of you need to have a family meeting to decide what you want to do.  Handle this as a family team. 

Are Parents Growing Children as Projects or People?

Q
I have our three year old in a play group that meets twice a week.  I like the socialization with the other moms, but feel great pressures when I hear them talk about their plans to get their children into pre dance, pre gymnastics, sports and so on.  I don’t understand why!  But I wonder if I’m doing my child a disservice by not jumping on this bandwagon.  Is she going to lose an edge or be less successful if I just send her to regular preschool next year and enjoy my time with her instead?  Anxious Mom Online

A
You know your child best, and you should trust your own instincts.  Until she shows a real interest or talent in such activities, ignore these pressures.  Find a good part time preschool next year, but enjoy every moment of your own time together.  You’re lucky to have the time, because it’s in these early years that you can best develop the family communication and bonds your child will need most during the school years, as well as the values you hold and life skills you want to teach.

These are the years to develop strong self esteem that comes of feeling both loveable and capable and the social skills of understanding how to share and communicate with peers and adults.  These are the years she needs to learn how her behavior affects others, which is more valuable than rote manners.  These are the years to encourage self help and self discipline that’s the foundation for making wise choices, and the years she must learn that she has to accept the responsibility and consequences of poor choices or behavior.

In the long-term scheme of life, school and the real world, these things are far more important than just being “smart” or competitive.  What good is being clever and competitive unless you learn these other things too?  Many parents make the mistake of buying in to the concept that their children will learn what they need for success in life by being involved in as many scheduled activities as possible. 

They don’t realize that they may be letting other adults influence their child’s values and life skills, and abdicating their roles in nurturing other aspects of their children’s development.  They don’t realize that some children develop hidden anxieties and resentments to “pushing” and over scheduling that surfaces in later years as rebellion, disrespect and rudeness.  Parents’ choices must be made in children’s best long term interest, and based on the individual needs of the child, not because “everyone is doing it."

The pressures on parents to “over cultivate” young children makes them think of children as “projects” not people.   See more in next week’s column about the role that marketing/consumerism plays in this issue, and find out what the American Academy of Pediatricians says about it in its latest release of research.

Are Parents Over Cultivating their Kids?

Q
Last week’s “Anxious Mom” wrote to say she was worried that her preschooler might be less successful if she stayed home and did things with her instead of being in “enrichment” activities all week.   She wondered why other moms seemed so frantic about their children’s academic preparation.  Why are so many parents feeling this pressure?  What are they giving up when they focus only on their children’s academic and competitive skills?  What do the experts say?

A
Today’s parents are overwhelmed with an overload of information.  Books, web sites, magazines, the advice of peers, and the deluge of marketing pitches pressures them to be parents who load children’s schedules with activities designed to increase competitive and academic skills, and often drive their children to excel in all areas.  This is not only an unrealistic expectation, it leaves little time for listening and talking that helps parents understand their kids and help them grow into well-rounded people. 

An example of media pressure is the current ad that says “Stop making your bed and go play your V-Smile learning videos.”  Or “Stop doing the dishes and go play your V Smile learning video.”  The message says that doing your chores and being a family team member is not important, and that learning colors, numbers, and letters  is more crucial.  Actually, the only thing important to the advertiser is that parents feel they MUST buy the videos. 

But videos cannot replace parental guidance and parental modeling.  Videos cannot replace the communication and face to face enjoyment of each other during family games.  Videos cannot replace the child’s need to sit in your lap and hear you tell or read a story, which is the best way to nurture the love of reading.

In their efforts to teach preschool children their letters and numbers, (which, by the way, is not what kindergarten teachers really want) parents often forget the valuable things children learn during down time or play.  This is when children learn that parents love them for who they are, not what they can do, and when children learn they have someone who listens and will be there for them. 

Studies by the American Academy of Pediatricians have also shown that play helps children release stress, become more creative, discover their own talents and interests, develop problem solving skills, learn how to relate to and enjoy other people, and adjust more easily to new situations.  These are life skills kids need.

The October news report of the American Academy of Pediatricians says that what children need for healthy development is more good old fashioned playtime.  Overuse of “passive” entertainment like computer games and television should be avoided, and true, open-ended toys like blocks should be emphasized.  The report concludes that “enrichment tools and organized activities can be beneficial, but should never be viewed as a requirement for creating successful children.  Above all, they must be BALANCED with plenty of free play time.”

 

Better Options for Infant Fascinated by Television

Q:  We have a beautiful healthy 3-month old girl who loves to watch the TV.   If I have it on during the day or am watching a movie at night she’ll look at it be still and quiet.  I think she is just attracted to the lights and colors.  Is this something I should worry about and try to limit?  I definitely don't want to raise a child who watches TV all day!  Will having it on a lot at this early age lead to any problems later on?  J.S. Online
 

A: At three months, keeping her on your lap while you watch television is probably not a problem.  But if it is her bedtime, keep that routine intact; don’t let television upset meals or sleeping routines.  It is also important to use that quiet time interact with her and give her caresses and/or gentle massages.   Your facial expression, touch and the sound of your voice are all very important to her total growth.

But you certainly don’t want her to make TV watching a habit.  There are many other options that would do her more good.  If she likes colors and music you can add colorful mobiles and music tapes to her room.  You can add scents and bubbles in her bath water.   And she should be able to use nesting toys, soft balls and soft, colored blocks in a few months.

The passive watching of TV will not help develop the brain connections that toddlers need for cognitive growth.  These brain connections are formed by the child’s active interaction with his or her environment.  The connections “set the stage” in the brain so that the child can more easily begin to do conceptual thinking in the later preschool years.

Open-ended discovery activities will be important as she gets a little older.  Between ages two and three, let her try water play, home made play dough, and crayons or markers on plain paper.  Encourage the use of blocks of all kinds, and enjoy nature and the outdoors.

Some researchers believe that children who have had the “TV habit” during the preschool years have trouble learning to read.  This is because the staring at one place…the television screen…makes the eye muscles weak in the area of tracking left to right...the eye muscles can get that way from staring into one place for hours each day.

Enjoy your baby and don't over worry. Go to the library (or amazon.com or a store) and get the books by Louise Ames and Frances Ilg about "Your One Year Old," "Your Two Year Old" etc. up to age 8. They are simple, enjoyable, inexpensive, small books that have been around a long time.  For more advice, creative ideas, parent brochures, and link resources, see my web site www.askevelyn.com

NOTE to M.Y.R.  Meet the mom and spend some time over coffee with her before letting your child go over to the new friend’s house.

Deaths of Loved Ones Cause New Anxieties

Q:  Recently, our 6-year-old has been crying when I drop him off at school. He’s gone through Pre-K, Kindergarten, and almost two months of first grade with no issues at all, and never looked back when he left the car. We’ve had some deaths in the family over the last 6 months…a great-grandmother in April, a grandfather - that he had been with daily for his whole life - in May, and a grandfather he had just gotten to know about two weeks ago. Could all these deaths be the problem, and if so, how can I help him through this?  We've reassured him that someone will always be there for him and that we are healthy, while his grandparents were elderly and sick.  I've taken him into the classroom sometimes, and his teachers have been very kinds and loving. We've asked him at night what's wrong and what can we do to help.  Any ideas?  T. R. Online

A: You are doing all the right things.  I feel sure that the deaths of people he loved or knew is causing the behavior. Be sure the teachers know about these deaths (you probably have told them) so they can continue to reassure him. It will take time, but he will be okay. 

What may be making this so hard, however, is that at some point between the ages of six and eight, for the first time children come to realize that they, too, are mortal and may die some day.  Before that age, they may have seen death and usually accepted that it is final, but they do not realize they, themselves are not immortal.   It is possible that he’s experiencing feelings of fear and confusion about his own eventual death.

Yes, he needs reassurance that you are healthy and will be there for him as long as he needs you. But he also needs to know that HE is healthy and will not die for a long, long time until he is very old.  Give him real examples of the ways that he’s fit and healthy and the things he does that keep him strong and healthy. 

You can also go to your librarian for help with this issue. There are books written especially for children about death and dying that are very, very helpful.  Share these books with the teacher, too.  Perhaps the teacher can read these stories and talk to the children in the class about this issue. Some of the others can share their own experiences, and hearing from others his age who have experienced these feelings and fears will help him.

Can He Stay Home Alone?

Q:  We have two girls ages 8 and 11. Just like other kids their ages, they fight frequently. They're not bad kids, but they can't seem to resolve their differences in a semi-civilized manner. Simple things blow up quickly into "I hate you" and meanness we don't want to tolerate. We've tried taking away things that are important to them …no TV, no computer, etc.  And we've tried giving them extra work to do as punishment for the fights, but nothing really lasts.  We're now trying 'you must earn good things'. They don't get extra fun activities until we feel they have earned it by being nicer to each other.  As I write this I'm realizing just how normal they really are. My brother and I fought a lot as did most other siblings I know.  But it’s such a headache constantly dealing with this.  Other than these episodes the girls are model kids with many friends.  Any suggestions?  Tired Dad Online

A: I understand your pain and frustration exactly, having been here myself.  Our younger girls were probably even worse because they were only a year apart, making sibling competition keener.  We separated them at school as much as we possibly could; we encouraged them to each have their own completely different hobbies, interests and friends.  We did not expect them to always be a “twosome”. 

But the bickering continued, as did hurt and anger.  Sometimes I went outside or locked myself into the bathroom so that I wouldn’t get involved in the fight...it always make it worse. I was raised with a sister ten years my junior, but my husband grew up with two siblings, all of them a year apart.  He felt that the bickering was normal.  Since I had never experienced it, I saw it as life threatening.

Finally I asked the advice of an older woman I respected.  She helped me gain a completely new insight on this problem.  She said that all of us need to learn certain life lessons. And some of these cannot be "taught" by parents, they must be learned by the pertinent individuals through experiences.

She reminded me that someday these two would probably have to live with or work side by side with people they did not particularly like and with whom they had nothing in common. In other words these "fight"s were not a battleground, but a practice ground for life that would teach them to compromise and negotiate and tolerate someone who is vastly different in nature than themselves.  In other words the bickering was a necessary conflict that would eventually help prepare the girls for some challenges in the future.

That advice helped me to accept what was happening and get through it.  The girls are now 39 and 40, and the predictions were valid. They’ve both had big challenges in their personal lives, and got through them successfully.  They’re still not as close as some sisters but they understand each other and can enjoy doing things together.   Hang in there, Dad.
 

Can He Stay Home Alone?

Q:  I have a nine year old boy and a two year old daughter.  Lately my nine year old doesn’t want to come with us (a two minute walk) to the park or to the store.  He says, “Just let me stay home, I'll be fine.”  Is it okay to leave a nine year old by himself for half an hour or so?  Emotionally he is very mature and he’s very dependable.   D. E. Online in TN
 

A: There are many things to consider in making your decision.  You know him best.  Can you say for sure that he understands how to stay safe and not answer the door, and not tell someone on the phone he is alone.  Have you practiced this routine by playing the roles?  Does he know what to do in any emergency, even something as simple as the lights going out?  Does he know who to call?  Are the phone numbers by the phone with a flashlight?  Do you have a cell phone to take with you that he could call?  All of these questions are part of problem prevention.

You also need to know with certainly that he wouldn't use the stove or cook or use matches when you are away for 30 minutes.  Does he mind you and keep your rules and understand them?  If you think he can stay alone and be safe for 30 minutes it's your decision.  Some children would be fine; others would take chances, experiment and not be safe

You also need to know what he’ll be doing when you are gone.  He should be able to explain specifically what he’s going to do, like read, do homework, etc.  Whatever you decide, the buck stops with you.  You are the one ultimately and legally responsible for your child's safety and well being.

NOTE FROM THE GIRL SCOUTS:  I read the letter from the single mom with a lonely child.  She needs to know more about Girl Scouts.  It costs $10 per year for membership.  In middle Tennessee and southern Kentucky, the Girl Scout Council of Cumberland Valley provides 'scholarships' for families that cannot afford membership.  No girl is turned away for inability to pay.  Uniforms are encouraged, but NOT required.  In many troops, the girls decorate T-shirts that are used as their troop 'uniform.'   Yes, extra activities, trips, and supplies cost money, but these costs are supplemented by Girl Scout sales.  If a family is in financial hardship, a sponsor can be found to help fund extra activities so that girl can participate fully.  This is all done confidentially; no one is embarrassed or singled out.  There are also in-school programs for girls that cannot attend traditional troop meetings.  Call the Girl Scout Council of Cumberland Valley at 800-395-5318.  Ask for the Membership Development Manager to find out what programs or troops are available in the area in which the child attends school.

Angel at School; Terror at Home

Q:  We’re having some behavior challenges with our 5 year old daughter.  She’s become stubborn and often refuses to do what she is told.  She also has violent tantrums that go on for up to an hour.  At other times she’s loving, fun and very good.  We have tried rewarding good behavior, withdrawing treats and ignoring bad behavior.  These work for a while and then they don’t.  She seems to control our lives and makes things very difficult.  She’s a very bright child, according to her teacher, and absolutely “perfect” in her school behavior.  She’s been brought up in a loving and stable environment so I see no for her extreme and controlling behavior.  We are at the end of our rope and would appreciate your advice.  Lois and Chris, Online

A:  Sometimes school and home behaviors are very different, and this may be a clue to your home problems.  If your child is very, very good in school and an over achiever of sorts, she can be putting lots of pressure on herself to have “perfect” behavior.  Then, when she comes home, where she can let her hair down, she’s having tantrums and acting out to release the stress.  At home she can control some situations but at school she probably can control very little.  There may be a correlation between the times the tantrums and misbehavior occur and the times she goes to school or returns home.

You should take the time to visit and school for the day and observe how she behaves there.  Look for clues to help you solve this problem.  At least you’ll be able to rule out anything going on at school that may be escalating problems at home.  And possibly you’ll find peer friendships to encourage.

Otherwise, what you are doing...using praise and rewards for following your house rules  and ignoring tantrums…is very appropriate.  If she’s bright you can have a discussion with her about the behavior you want and have her help write up a contract with you, including both the rules for expected behavior and the consequences for inappropriate behaviors.

Sometimes bright children do become controlling and try to run the household.  This is especially hard on parents who think that gentle and loving modeling is all that’s needed.  A strong willed child who is bright needs more than positive modeling.  Impress on her that some things are hers to decide but others are YOURS to decide because you , as her parents, know what’s in her best long-term interest.

At the same time, give her time and materials to use that she really can control, like open-ended art media.  Through clays, paints and pastels she can find both a release from stress and the joy of creating.  This will ease the pressure she feels to be perfect at school and help her feel “in control” in appropriate ways that promote secure, calm feelings.     

A Baby Bully

Q:  My 14 month old boy is in day care 3 days a week. He’s very easygoing and plays well on his own.  But my caregiver told me that in the past couple of days he’s been pushy with younger kids who are still crawling, not walking.  She said that when a younger child tried to play with a fire truck Evan hit him on the head with it.  Also he stepped on children’s fingers when they tried to crawl.  I’m very worried about this behavior. I don't know what to do since I’m not there to see what’s going on, but I don’t want him hurting others.  Please help.  Abby Online

A:  You can’t know what happens all day, every day, in day care, but you should at least make arrangements to go visit and observe.  Take off work if you must, because you need to know more about your child care center.  For example, what did they do when your child acted this way?  Nothing? Your caregiver should have immediately removed your child from the situation where he was putting others in danger and told "NO" "we don't do that here."

In this sort of situation, a fourteen month old who is removed from the group should be held firmly in a lap until he calms down, relaxes and breathes easily.  Then he should be told again, calmly and firmly that we don’t hit or hurt other children, that the other child had the toy first, and that he would need to wait until that child is done.

He also needs to know that if he uses a toy in the wrong way (like hitting
someone with it) he will not be allowed to play with that toy.  Again, the
adult expectations must be clear, and stated calmly and firmly while good eye contract is maintained.

Children don't share easily until age 3-4 but they can still learn quickly
when a child care center provides simple rules, appropriate consequences and clear expectations.  If your child care center has no guidance and discipline policies (which are usually stated in writing in good centers) you need to work with them and set up some guidelines regarding your son’s behavior. 

If you have a friend with a young child his age, get them together to play under your supervision so you can reinforce these "rules" at home too.  What he is doing is normal, but it is not appropriate and he needs to learn that.  Getting along with others is not something children are born with; it needs to be taught by both parents and caregivers.

If you go to my web site www.askevelyn.com in the “Books and More” pages you’ll find a video on child guidance and classroom management that is designed for child care centers.  You will also see materials parents can order, like the book “Growing Responsible Kids” and a parenting brochure about teaching self discipline. 

Stealing and Shrieking  

Q:  I guess it's just vocal experimentation, but he's doing it all the time and it's making us crazy.  It's loud, high-pitched, and it doesn't seem to matter what his mood is, he'll be smiling and shrieking, laughing and shrieking....  This has been going on for about a week, and our approach has been to ignore it. Any thoughts?  Thanks Karen online in TN

A:  Yes, some infants simply discover that they can make this sound and they love to do it.  The more you react the more fun it is for them.  It’s a very powerful feeling for them to push your buttons, so ignoring it is best.  Usually this phase does not last long, as they will want to try out other types of sounds.  Just hang in there and put him in a safe place and leave the room if you must.  Don't let him see your facial or body language reactions when you ignore him.

Also distract him by teaching him some NEW sounds to make!  Blowing on the   skin sounds, barks, growls, anything you can think of.  Try clapping, or doing peek-a-boo.  You can also distract him by playing a CD or the radio, or direct his attention to crib toys, musical chimes, mobiles, music boxes, and so on.  When he hears new sounds he may try to copy them and give up shrieking.

Stealing and Shrieking

Q.  My son took a lot of money out of his mom’s purse to buy trading cards so he could impress his friends.  He said he needed good cards so he could win matches and be liked by the other players.  He seems more concerned about having been caught than about the loss of trust in him.  I'm not sure how to handle this.  John Online in TN

A.  You must talk to him firmly and at length to explain why you are upset...this is a matter of your family values.  Your values are your most important legacy to him, and your primary job as a parent.  He needs to see that no matter what his reasons were, it was wrong to steal. He needs to apologize to you wife after he understands this and can
verbalize it.

In addition you need to give him the options he could have used instead of stealing.  If he had told you what he wanted and why, you all could have figured out how he could earn the money with extra special jobs around the house.  Now he needs to earn money to pay mom back.

Trading cards are not usually the best way to build friendships.  Try to get him into 4H  or scouts or a sport or a club of some kind where he will enjoy being with peers that have interests similar to his and make friends who do more interesting things than trade cards.

Games, Quitting, and Kids  

NOTE TO MY READERS:  This letter was a ray of sunshine on a gray, snowy winter day in Traverse City MI.   I’d like to share this great advice from one parent with other parents.   I totally agree with the way these parents are helping children make good choices about their family time and extra curricular activities.  And since I was the Hasbro National Spokesperson for Family Game Night, I also wanted to pass on their comments about families playing games together.

Q:  I read and enjoy your column every week and I have some thoughts on your
recent column on the 8-year-old boy whose father thought he was "quitting"
all the time.

We have an 11-year-old son and an 8-year-old daughter and both are very
involved in sports, by their choice. But our rule is that they can each play
one sport per season (no baseball and soccer at the same time, for example),
and once they have signed up for the team, they must complete the season
because they have committed their time to the team and others are counting
on them. At the end of the season, if they decide not to play that sport again, that's fine. They then are free to pursue any other activity or lessons they choose.

Limiting them to one activity a season preserves some precious family time
away from a sports field, and gives them time to simply be outside and play
freely with the other children in the neighborhood.

We also enjoy family games at least once a week, and marvel at other children who come over and seem clueless about how to interact when we invite them to play. We know how many life skills children learn from playing games with us, and especially how enjoying each other this way builds strong communication and bonds in the family.  

Our children both enjoyed lots of free play time when they were younger, and we think this fed our children's imaginations and creative problem solving. We also refuse to buy them a video game console because there are too many kids who sit inside on a beautiful day in a quest of the next level of whatever game is hottest at the time. We're definitely
not perfect parents, but we have happy, well-adjusted kids, and that’s our top priority!
We appreciate your words of wisdom and keep up the good work!  A.B. Online in Smyrna TN

A: If she can sit nicely and eat at other homes, she can do it in your home too!  Have a serious talk and make it clear that this is what you expect, and that leaving the table will NOT happen until after dinner.  Set up simple rules.  “When it’s time to eat we wash first and then sit to eat until we’re finished and excused.” 

Involve her in the preparation of the meal so that she becomes part of the social and family meal ritual.  Make her a part of the food preparation.  Let her set the table and ring a small dinner bell.   

Mealtime Manners

Q:  Our 4-year-old old daughter can’t sit still to eat a meal at our home.  She is constantly up and down, dancing, wiggling, getting things, etc. Consequently she doesn’t eat much and is hungry a short time later when we’re done.  BUT, when we are out to eat or at someone else’s house for dinner, she sits nicely in her seat and eats her meal!!  Mealtimes are becoming a battleground.  Some have suggested bribery treats, but we eat very late and that would create another problem!  Suggestions?  L.L. Online

A: If she can sit nicely and eat at other homes, she can do it in your home too!  Have a serious talk and make it clear that this is what you expect, and that leaving the table will NOT happen until after dinner.  Set up simple rules.  “When it’s time to eat we wash first and then sit to eat until we’re finished and excused.” 

Involve her in the preparation of the meal so that she becomes part of the social and family meal ritual.  Make her a part of the food preparation.  Let her set the table and ring a small dinner bell.   

If you want to eat late, do it without her.  Young children must eat at a predictable time each day to keep on schedule for good health.  Making her wait is part of your problem.  Fix her dinner early and have her sit and eat all of it.  Later, if it’s not bedtime, she can read or play while you eat dinner and then join you for dessert.  Instead of something sweet her dessert could be a nutritious snack.  Changing this behavior is important for both her health and manners.

Mealtime Manners

Q:  I am writing in response to your December column about values.  Another thing today’s children lack is table manners.  We recently had 8 and 10 year old children, along with their parents, as guests in our home.  The kids ate like animals!  They would pick up food with their hands and stuff it in their mouths, and the parents said nothing to them.  Our grandchildren eat at their house in front of the TV with their plates on the floor in front of them, and are very seldom required to join the adults at the table.  If they do eat at the table, they’re allowed to bring a book and read as they eat!!  And I never hear anyone instruct them about table manners.  When they are at our home without their parents, I try to coach them, but feel it’s a losing battle.  Concerned grandmother in TN

A:  I heartily agree with you on the state of table manners among many of today’s children.   But what amazes me is that most of our adult children did use good manners at the table when they were growing up...why didn't they pass it on?   If parents are saying nothing, it’s in the children’s own best long-term interest for us older adults to take a stand.  These children DO need to learn what is expected in general society regarding table manners.

Talk with your own children first and tell them what you’re going to do at your home and why.  Explain that these children will someday be adults or teens and they will NEED TO KNOW how to eat properly with good manners.  Knowing how to behave, converse, and eat properly can make a huge difference in getting or keeping a job, and in making or maintaining friendships.  Children are not born with good manners, we need to model and teach these things.

Then when the grandchildren are eating a meal at your home, with or without their parents, say, "When you are at our house I expect you to eat politely and with good
manners.  Watch what we do and follow our lead.  I know you can do this.  If you’re going to eat at our table this is the way we do it.  We also talk to each other while we eat.  No books are allowed at our table.  We talk about what’s going on in each others’ lives and in the world, and our plans for tomorrow."  

Remember never to let them eat on the floor (that’s for pets) but insist that you all eat together at the table.  Even babies in high chairs are learning about good table manners when they watch and listen to adults who talk at the table, pass foods and say please and thank you.  Mealtime is actually baby's first social event and is very important in the child’s development.  Babies and children learn from our modeling; let’s do it right!

Year Round Valentines

Q:  Once you did a column with ideas for little special things you could do all year to say I Love You to your kids, not just on Valentine’s Day.  Can you list some of them?  Lisa M. Online

A:  Little things mean a lot to kids.  Hiding a thank you or love note in a lunchbox or putting them at the child’s place setting or in a jacket pocket is a neat surprise.  Making sandwiches with a heart shaped cookie cutter, or making pancakes by dripping out the child’s initial with the batter is fun.  Finding two heart shaped rocks for each of you to keep for luck, just as is spending simple time together taking a walk.

Sending your child a real post card in the mail occasionally, just to say how much you care or how you really appreciate something about his/her personality is important.  Using descriptive praise…”I really like to see you doing such and such because it makes me proud and happy” is the most meaningful and loving way to praise.

Giving your child a photo of the two of you together (laminated) to keep in the school locker or lunchbox is another year round Valentine idea.

Behavior of six year old

Q:  I’m the mother of six year old, Nicholas, and pregnant with my second child.  I married my second husband a year ago and he gets along wonderfully with Nicholas, who is extremely excited about the new baby.  But we’re having some serious behavior issues at school.  Our son constantly comes home with bad remarks from school for not paying attention, not doing his work, touching others, not staying in his seat, etc. ADD has been suggested by his teacher, but it’s not something we believe in. My husband would like to discipline Nicholas the way he was as a child – spanking.  I disagree and have not allowed this.  I believe spanking for serious matters as a last resort might be used, but never with an object or in anger.  I feel like a failure.  Please advise.  K. L. Online in Memphis

A:  You say Nicholas and your husband get along wonderfully, so I am guessing that most of the time, at home, everything is ok.  In school, however, there are behavior problems that have been ongoing for about two years and you and your spouse disagree about how to handle it. 

I think you need to see for yourselves what’s happening at school.  Try to observe him there for a few hours for further insight.  Remember that school and home behavior is often quite different.  Some children respond to pressure at school by misbehaving, and others play the "perfect" child at school and then come home to let their hair down and have tantrums.  Others act out possible worries about a new baby at school, but not at home.

I totally agree that spanking will not solve this problem.  You need to understand it before you can solve it, and spanking won’t get you there.   Spanking in terms of long term effects is not effective or appropriate; rewards and praise for good behavior is the way to proceed, both at home and school.  Discuss this with your child’s teacher; be sure she is not “labeling” him as the “naughty” boy

Of course it’s possible that there’s a developmental or ADHD problem.  To put that concern completely at rest, have him tested properly by a neurologist...this should be free if it is a school referral and if you agree to the diagnostic tests.  Before you pursue that, however, take your son to his doctor or your family doctor for a good physical; and the doctor for advice first.

You can go online to find advice on discipline, or read my columns on that topic in my column archives at www.askevelyn.com   Also, get help from your library  on some good, practical classic books on discipline and development.  Start by checking out authors Frances Ilg and Louise Bates.  They have a series of practical books covering absolutely everything you can expect from children at ages birth to age 8 along with good suggestions for how to cope with it all
 

Overanxious Mom Causes Child Anxiety

Q:  Our daughter recently entered a new daycare and the adjustment has been tumultuous.  Our daughter is cognitively average or above, is sensitive and very perceptive, and asks many in depth questions.  She initially wouldn’t play with peers at  the preschool she also attends, but she did eventually adjust at preschool.  (I felt the delay was due to feelings of incompetence along with the continual interactions of peers.)  At the new day care she’s not playing and has been crying off and on throughout the day, saying she "misses her mommy."  We’re happily married and have never before had separation issues.  She takes a special lunch and security blanket with her to day care.  I met with the sitter outside of daycare to foster our relationship.  I have also acknowledged my child’s feelings and given lots of reassurance, as well as suggestions and ideas to try.  I am frustrated because I am a counselor and have read much of the literature, but it is not helping.  Is my child manipulating me or is she really anxious?  Maybe she’s homesick for her former caregiver and it’s hindering the new placement.  The new day care is adequately meeting her needs and working hard with her.  Any ideas?  Chris; Online

A:  I’m going to ask you to do something difficult.  Try to read your own letter as objectively as you can, as if someone wrote it to you, as a client to counselor.  Maybe you’ll see it the way I do.  I feel that you’re overreacting and over thinking.  You are anxious, and your child is picking up on this.  You are putting enormous pressure on her without realizing it.  You are doing it by worrying about everything instead of relaxing and letting her have the freedom to adjust to new things at her own pace.
 
You seem to have her in a good place where people care and are working hard to make her feel at home.  Stop wondering and worrying and relax!  Enjoy the time you have with her and don't ask her questions or give suggestions and examples.  She’s only four and isn’t ready for abstract concepts that may be causing more confusion and insecurity.

Do things together for fun whenever possible.  Laugh together.  Rid your mind of  the possible scenarios and "what ifs" that you keep thinking up and simply accept and enjoy your daughter as she is.  This is a fabulous age!  You say she's sensitive, perceptive, and curious.  GREAT!   And if she takes time to adjust to something new, it's not necessarily bad; it’s usually a good idea to observe first and not jump right in.  Perceptive children often do just that.

Instead of worry and anxiety, give her strength and confidence.  Be positive!  Expect her to have a good time and make friends.  When you expect the worst you almost always get it.  When you expect the best you usually get that.

3-Year-Old Terror

Q:  My three year old granddaughter whines and cries about everything and always gets what she wants.  If she doesn't like dinner, they cook her something else.  And she has a tantrum if she doesn’t like it.  They simply don’t discipline her and don’t know what to about tantrums.  They might take her to her room, screaming, but she won’t shut up until she gets her way.  She’s not talking yet, except in a type of rambling babbling baby talk.  This doesn’t seem normal to me.  This is a small sample of her behavior, and I don’t even like being there.  My daughter says that she’s sick of dealing with it and that dad undoes whatever limits she tries to make.  Suggestions?  Katy Online

A:  This child may actually have special needs that are escalating with her inappropriate behavior, and she cannot get any help if the parents' attitude remains this way.  This behavior is not normal for a 3 year old.  Something may be wrong, such as a lag in development, or a physical or chronic problem.  She should have a thorough physical and the parents should log a few days of her behavior to share with the doctor if a referral for more testing is appropriate. 

Three’s are generally very cooperative and want to please adults, even though they have occasional relapses into the two's and tantrum stage.  These parents need to know more about what’s normal.  Get them the classic Frances Ilg and Louise Ames books, “Your Two Year Old,”  “Your Three Year Old,” etc up to age 8.

Three's don't like change; they DO like predictable routines that they can depend on.  If the child isn’t getting clear expectations and limits, she feels insecure and acts out more intensely.  All young children need limits and need praise for good or improved behavior.  They need to be ignored or separated from the group when behavior is not appropriate. 

Three's are too young to understand a "sit in the chair" time out. They should be held tight on one's lap until they relax and breathe and can be told what the adult wants them to do, or removed to another room and left to safely finish the tantrum before any discussion, which should be very short and simple.

If there is no problem except for a lack of guidance and discipline, these parents need to know that they are perpetuating a very negative pattern of behavior and parent-child interaction.  If not corrected, this pattern will get worse, and before they know it, the child will be a willful pre-teen who causes much bigger problems than she is causing now.  Future problems will be much worse and harder to solve than taking time to correct this behavior now.  They should get family counseling if they cannot do it alone.   They need to discuss this seriously, write down what they plan to do, and then present a consistent and united front.

Gift Suggestions for Children

Q:  We have 4 kids who range from 6 months to age 9, and Christmas shopping is a hassle!  If I had some really good suggestions it would be easier.  But I’m getting overwhelmed by the ads and the myriad of choices in the stores.  I need some suggestions that are based on solid information, not TV hype.  The ad I hate most is the one that says you can’t have a treat until you play your video game; disgusting! Can you help? J. P. Online in Memphis TN

A:  I dislike that ad also, and agree that video games are no substitute for hands on toys and games that require children and parents to interact face to face.  The best things you can do to help your child be a learner and a reader is to read together every day, encourage make believe and pretend, play with open ended materials like are media and blocks of all kinds, and play family games together once a week.  Child specialists and psychologists have been on television recently warning parents that video games are not the answer.  They are often simply poor baby sitters or, worse, games that promote aggression and violence.  Face to face interaction is best, and it also gives parents opportunities to pass on their own family values. 

For good gift suggestions based on facts, go to The National Parenting Center at www.tnpc.com  and read their Seal of Approval pages.  The National Parenting Center's Seal of Approval products have been thoroughly tested by educators, children and parents who are involved in an eight-week multi-step testing process.  The Seal of Approval program is just one of a variety of informative archives provided online by The National Parenting Center.  

Parents, children, and educators at The National Parenting Center examine a variety of submitted Seal of Approval products. Products are played with, built, read about, and judged by product quality and reactions of children.  Participants use questionnaires to evaluate each product's level of desirability, sturdiness, interactive stimulation and quality.

The new Holiday 2004 Seal of Approval issue is now posted, and you can also see back issues to 1992.  You'll find reviews of audio, video, computer software, games, books, toys, kits and crafts and educational products.  Products are divided by age group from infants to teens, and have a wide range of prices.  What I like best are the written reviews that describe each product, tell what's special about it, and tell how children reacted as they used it.  Here are a few examples of this year’s winning products.  Get more detailed information by going to www.tnpc.com

  • Baby Einstein Discover and Play Color Blocks (birth to 2; Baby Einstein; 12.99)  Safe, sturdy, soft “first” blocks with a variety of textures and stuffings that are great for clutching, grasping and teething.
  • My Baby Can Talk  (birth to 2; Baby Hands Productions 19.95)  An excellent DVD about how babies communicate and how to encourage further language development.  Excellent ideas for body language and “signing”.
  • Sesame Street Active PAD (3 to 4; Sesame 15.00)  Elmo and the gang and the interactive PAD give children freedom to explore numbers at their own pace.
  • Snap Circuits Jr. (8 and up; Elenco Electronics 24.95) All the materials you need to learn about fun with electricity safely and create circuits to ring bells, light lights, and spin tops.  100 experiments are included.
Zoo Vet (9 and up; computer software CDRom 19.95) Identify, diagnose and treat all sorts of zoo animals like the zoo vets do through the magic of the computer. 

Stress Reducers for Holiday Time

Q:  It seems there’s more Christmas stress, more ads and more traffic this year than ever.  We have two preschoolers, I've just started my shopping, and we’ll be having family company soon and I have not really cleaned my house yet.   I feel overwhelmed. M.J. Online in Nashville

A:  If you have preschoolers, (or kids of any age) and want to have a perfectly clean house, perfect decorations, perfect meals, perfect gifts and perfectly behaved children you are setting yourself up for disaster.  Having unrealistic expectations is probably what is causing the stress.  Stop and remember what you loved about Christmas as a child.  The fun of being together is what's really important.  When the kids grow up they won't remember your clean house and perfect meals and decorations.  They'll remember the fun and love you shared together.   They’ll remember playing games with you and the special cookies you made together.  Your relatives and friends are coming to enjoy being with YOU, not inspect the house. 

*  Make some adjustments and realistic goals. Buy some of your cookies at a bake sale instead of making them, or bake now and freeze them.  Get your spouse involved in the shopping and the gift wrapping.

*  Let the children know ahead when company's coming.  Before the event, clarify your expectations with a few simple rules.  Get the kids involved in cleaning and decorating.

*  Keep it simple, whether it's meals, decorations or gifts.  Remember some of the best gifts for kids are the simplest…like their very colored paper and new crayons, play dough you make yourself, their own safe scissors and tape, their own small squeeze flashlights, stickers, masking tape, glue, rubber stamps and ink pads, and maybe even a gold fish or a magnifying glass.  These simple gifts (like good children's books) nurture creativity and thinking skills and have lasting power, not battery power.

*  If you have a “must buy” list, arrange to shop when the store opens, call first to see if they have what you want.  For example if you want the Care Bears that dance to music check to see if they will hold one for you.  If you want a Fisher Price Power Touch Baby reading system call now as it’s a hot item. (Personally I believe that reading stories to your child on your lap is and will always be far better than electronic toys.)

*  Find your sense of humor; it's the greatest stress reliever in the world.  When we see some of the inevitable holiday problems as funny, it helps take the edge off.

Reactivate your funny bone with these excerpts from "Yes Virginia You Can Survive the Holidays" by Kathy Peel and Judie Byrd in a 1991 Family Focus magazine.

*  The time it takes to find a parking space is inversely proportional to time spent shopping.  And the other line always moves faster.

*  Interchangeable parts won't be.  Unassembled gifts will have twice as many screws as you expect and some parts will be left over.

*  When a broken toy is demonstrated to the store return clerk it will work perfectly.

*  Amnesia strikes all family members when the scissors and tape cannot be found.

*  The more expensive a gift, the better your chances are of dropping it.

Friendships
Q:  We have a 10-year old son who has many friends and positive peer relationships but I’m worried that he doesn’t have a "best friend" yet. Should I be worried? Trudy in Memphis

A: It’s great that your 10 year old  has many friends and positive peer relationships.  This is what’s normal for that age.  Kids usually don’t often have a "best friend" until 5th or 6th grade or junior high.  He’ll do this on his own if you continue to encourage his involvement with many friends of many kinds.  Have the kids over frequently so you always know what kinds of friends he has, and involve him in an extra curricular activity like chess, 4H or Scouts where he may develop a best friend with similar interests.

Stuttering
 Q:  Our son, age nine, has occasional problems with stuttering and language blocks.  We do know not to pressure him, or say the words for him or try to finish his sentences.  We listen carefully and patiently.  But it’s so hard for us, as parents, to really understand, and we wish we could do more to help.  Is there anything else we can do?   Mary D. Online in TN

A: You’re doing all the right things; keep it up.  But stop worrying and being anxious.  When you get anxious, he’ll pick up on it and this could precipitate a block.  He is the only one who can learn to control and/or stop stuttering, and he will do it in his own time.

Years ago, a boy of about age nine came to my door with a notebook and asked if he could ask me a few questions which were part of an “assignment.”  He looked shy but  sincere, and he stuttered a little as he made his request.  I figured that these face- to-face interviews were important to him, so I readily agreed. His first question was, “What do you think is the most important cause of stuttering?”  My answer was, “It’s probably parents who try to help too much, causing tension and anxiety.”  His answering smile was bright as a summer day!  He started talking about stuttering and related topics.  But his stuttering had completely stopped.

There is one more thing you can do.  The Stuttering Foundation has a new video that will reassure you and also be an inspiration to your son.  It will help his see he’s not alone and that there are many other kids who really do understand. “Stuttering For Kids By Kids” is a new 12 minute DVD in which real children and cartoon characters come together to help other kids who stutter.  In this lively video children who stutter talk sincerely and frankly about how to deal with teasing, how to teach others about stuttering, and the things that help them most.  It’s available in all public libraries on DVD and VHS.  You can also call The Stuttering Foundation helpline at 800-992-9392 for more information.

Birds and Bees and Potty Training

Q:  My son turned 3 in June and is still not potty trained.  He has successfully used the adult toilet, but not consistently.  In his Batman underwear he has gone potty on our carpet several times; it needs professional cleaning due to the smell.  Do you have any full proof techniques?  We will try anything.  He understands he should use the potty, and sometimes he is willing to try and other times he cries. Help! Katie Online

A:  There are no fool proof techniques except knowing not to push kids before they are ready.  It is NORMAL for him to be inconsistent at his age...most boys aren’t completely trained until age four.  So praise him when he does the right thing and don’t over react to accidents. There are 3 stages in the child's ability to be trained...knowing you are "going" while it happens, then knowing that you are "going to go soon" and then knowing this in time to get to the toilet.  Until that last stage, when the muscles are ready and the brain can control them, he won’t be consistent and really can’t control the accidents.  Use pull up diapers and read Vicki Lansky's excellent book on toilet training.  Find it in any bookstore and in most libraries.

(another) Birds and Bees and Potty Training

Q:  Our 6-year old daughter is asking about "how babies are made."  She’s a very curious child, interested in nature and science.  She always wants to know the details.  "Babies are made when a man and a woman love each other" just doesn't cut it.  My wife, who is European, advocates a fairly graphic (but neutral) explanation.  But I think a 6-year old is too young for a clinical explanation on sex.  What is the mainstream view these days on the best way to answer such questions?  J.P. in TN

A: Be totally honest, do not avoid the subject, and keep your answers simple.  Only answer the question that is asked and use words she can understand.  Clinical language is not usually helpful; but use correct words for body parts.  Fortunately there are many good books in the bookstores and libraries on this topic.  Ask for help and then examine various selections to choose several books that best fit your approaches.  One of my favorites is “The Wonderful Story of How You Were Born.” 

“Let’s Talk about S-E-X“ by Sam Gitchel and Lorri Foster may be helpful for you to read as a resource.  It includes a parents’ guide that you can use with your child when she is older.  The book was originally published by Planned Parenthood; the second and updated edition is now published by Book Peddlers and can be viewed at www.bookpeddlers.com   Remember that children who are given a well-grounded education in sexuality information tend to make wiser decisions for themselves in the teen years.

Alternatives to Spanking
Q:  My 3 year old fights with me about getting dressed for preschool, even though she loves going.  She hits and kicks.  I come from a violent background and spent years trying to change my behavior so I could give my child positive discipline, not discipline based on fear.  But I’ve been yelling and once I spanked her bottom for kicking.  When I tried to make her take a time out, she hit me; I slapped her hand and she hit me back. This is all wrong.  I don’t want this type of parent-child relationship.  I don’t want to repeat my history.  Please give me some tools to handle her positively.  Liselle, Online in TN

A:  I commend you for trying to use positive guidance that teaches self- discipline; spanking, as a regular guidance strategy, is based on fear.  If, however, a child is in danger (trying to run into the street) you might need to get the child's attention with a planned swat on the bottom.  The trick is not to set up a pattern of hitting in anger.

The main points of positive discipline are to make your expectations
clear and simple, and to give PRAISE (including hugs and smiles) for
every incident that shows the child is trying or improving. Children repeat behavior for which they are praised. You also need to be able to choose from many other different strategies to suit the situation and the age of the child, and be able to change them as the child grows.  Let’s talk about two strategies, behavior modification and time out.

Behavior modification is related to praise.  For example, you might give the child gold stars on a calendar for "a good day" or for cooperating while getting dressed.  When children earn a certain number of stars they get a meaningful reward, like doing something special together or being able to choose the day’s dinner or dessert.  Smiles and hugs rewards that should always be used.  Stop the pattern of which you are fearful and try praise.  If you find yourself losing your temper, leave the room to regain your own self-control; ignore the child’s tantrum.

Time out doesn’t usually work well with three’s.  It works best when a child is nearer four and can tell you why he/she is having a time out, and can also tell you when they are "ready" to leave time out and cooperate.  A screaming and kicking three year old can’t sit in a chair for time out.  Instead, pick the child up, and hold her very firmly on your lap.  Say nothing until she calms down and stops struggling.

When your child is breathing calmly and is relaxed, tell her what you expect.  Keep it simple and short; three’s are not intellectually mature enough to understand abstract lectures.  If you can’t stay calm during this time out, simply leave the room and shut the door until the tantrum is over.   See my column archives in www.askevelyn.com for more ideas.

Preparing for Kindergarten in 2005
Q:  My son is four and will go to Kindergarten next fall.  I’ve been reading that Kindergarten has become much more "academic" in recent years, and how there is great pressure for children to learn to read before they’re ready.  I’m concerned as I think this places undue and premature stress on young children.  Can I do something positive about this?  How do I prepare my son?  Dad in Nashville

A:   I, too, am concerned, as are many other early education professionals.
One thing driving this pressure is that the current administration feels that children of four should be able to read and take standardized tests, even though hundreds of early childhood professionals and university professors have written to the administration to explain why this is developmentally inappropriate. 

Yes, SOME children do learn to read early and that’s fine; children who are ready and want to do it will learn to read regardless of policies, and parents and teachers are happy for them. But the demand to have every four-year old take standardized tests and read is not appropriate. Other westernized countries don’t put this pressure on young children; in most countries "formal" reading instruction for all children begins at age seven when success for each child is secure. 

Write your Representatives and Senators to tell them your views on this issue. If children are forced to read before they are ready there will be many more children “left behind” with low self-image and school reading problems. 

Head Start does accept a percentage of over income children and it’s a fine preschool program with an emphasis on literacy, and discovery learning.  Try to get your son into Head Start or another good preschool program.  Call the National Assn. For the Education of Young Children at 800-424-2460 to ask for their brochure about what constitutes a good preschool. 

Meanwhile, use the library and enjoy reading with your child every day.  Use hands on concrete activities to count, compare, measure, and sort objects, pictures, coins, and household items.  Listen and talk and play games and enjoy this year while your child is four, and nurture ALL aspects of his growth including social skills, creativity and problem solving skills.

Also go visit the kindergarten your son will go to in 2005 and observe.
You may be pleasantly surprised that most kindergarten teachers do not expect children to come to school able to read.  They DO expect children to come healthy, eager to learn, self confident, able to follow directions, able to get along with others, and interested in learning about reading, counting, and letters/sounds.

Affection between Dads and Sons and Manners

Q:  What level of physical affection is appropriate between a father and a son?  My father was uncomfortable with physical affection and I felt rejected.  So when my son was born but I made sure to treat him the same as I had my daughter.  I hugged, snuggled, and as he grew (he’s now 10) I also wrestled and gently played “rough”.  Recently, as I was tucking him in we found a spider by his bed. I killed it but he was hysterical (he has a bug phobia).  I tried to comfort him and snuggle him, explaining that people are afraid of things, even if it’s not logical.  I tried to distract him.  He stopped crying and we were having a talk when my wife came in and was upset to see me comforting him.  Was my action inappropriate? G. B. Online in TN

A: Your son is just 10 and soon he will be going through pre adolescence and puberty. At that point it may be wise to do more of the “guy thing” hugs and wrestling and ruffling his hair, but now it should not be a problem to comfort or cuddle him at bedtime.

It’s common to see lots of public hugs and affection between boys and dads among African Americans and in countries like Portugal, Italy and Greece.  Personally I think all of our families need to demonstrate more affection.  All kids need hugs, just like WE need them.  Consider reading "Real Boys" by William Pollack, (Random House) for clarification and reassurance.

Deal with the bug phobia.  The fear is not logical but is very real to him. There are books and articles online that will help, but the main point is to "desensitize" him from the fear.  You do this by objectively studying an insect or bug.  You read about it, see pictures of it, and eventually see the real thing in a jar or display.  You can get help from any counselor on this common problem.

Neighbor's 5-year-old son has Tantrum

Q:  My neighbor’s son started kicking the front door and screaming for me to leave because I wouldn’t give him a soda. The mother sat and did nothing. After 10 minutes I left. I have never had a child behave this way to me. The mother says its normal.  I have never had children but I thought this was terrible behavior and should have been stopped. L.L. Online.

A: You should probably have left immediately.  Leaving the house may or may not
have told the mother that her son's behavior was inexcusable and that he, like all children, needs lessons in manners.  Tantrums are common to 2’s but uncommon among 5's, unless there are emotional problems.  Maybe he got his own way each time he had tantrums at age 2, so he simply continues the immature behavior.  If mom could only see that she's brewing trouble with a future teen.  Today's parents need to know that it’s ok to say NO and that manners are a good thing to teach as early as age 2 and 3.

Starting School
 Q:  My child’s going to start Kindergarten next week and I have mixed feelings about it.  What can I do to make this easier for my son and myself?  S.B. Nashville

A: Try to stay positive about starting the school year.  If you’re tense or anxious, your child will probably pick up on it and "catch" your stress. You want your child to be eager to learn and ready for school, not worried.  Here are helpful tips for any child starting Kindergarten, and for all parents of  returning school age children.

  • Enjoy every day you have left to spend together.  Do simple things like picnics, walks, family games and star-gazing.  To children, love is a four-letter word, T I M E.
  • In the summer we tend to stay up late and sleep in.  Help kids adjust to the "school day" schedule, by starting NOW to get yourself and your child to bed earlier and up earlier.  Do this gradually for a week or so until you are on "school" time.   It will be well worth the effort!!
  • Try to visit the school before it starts.  Teachers are already in classrooms, getting ready.  It’s a great time to visit the classroom with your child and meet the teacher.  Seeing the classroom and seeing you meet the teacher will help put your child at ease.
  • Give the teacher your name, address, all phone numbers and your email address and ask him or her to feel free to stay in touch. 
  • See if the teacher knows of any children in your neighborhood who will be in the class so that you could get in touch with the parents.  Having a friend or two the first day is reassuring.
  • Your visit to the school is very important in making your child feel comfortable there.  Look at the playground, the gym, the cafeteria, and the bathrooms. If there are lockers, see how they work.  Take the newness and strangeness out of the experience in every possible way.
  • If your child will be riding the bus for the first time, try to visit the school bus garage, or find a way to see a school bus up close and learn how to get off and on safely.
  • When school starts, remember that long days of dealing with changes takes lots of energy.  Children need 8-10 hours of sleep at night (Really!) and good breakfasts each day. 
  • Lay out school clothes and back pack contents the night before, and set up breakfast if you can.  Being organized gives a child a good start for the school day and prevents stressful rushing.
  • Send kids off to school with a smile and a hug, and save time after school for conversation and a snack.  Don't say, "What did you learn?"… a question young children don't know how to answer.  Say "Tell me about your day."

Keep Kids out of Mischief While on the Phone
 Q:  My daughter is 3 yrs old and potty trained and hasn’t had any accidents for months.  But two weeks ago while I was on the phone, she peed on her bed, then told me to come see what she'd done. I talked to her about it, changed the bedding, and dropped it.  A couple days later, she did it again. She’s done this six times now.  I’ve tried everything from spanking to calmly telling her how disappointed I am.  She’s probably doing it just to get my attention. But I’m having a second baby very soon.  What will she start doing then?  Lee in TN

A: It’s normal for 3's to be very jealous of the time you take to talk on the phone.  But you need to help them see your telephone time as a good thing instead of a bad thing.  Let me tell you a story.

When our daughters were three and four, I started a cooperative preschool center, which was very exciting for me.  I was highly involved with the recruitment of parents and the planning, so I was on the phone a great deal.  One day when I was done talking I noticed that it was very quiet...too quiet.  This was before the age of phones you could walk around with.

I went to investigate.  They’d taken a new carton of margarine from the refrigerator and completely covered our poodle with it!  The poodle then tried to get it off...on the furniture, the drapes, the rugs and even the piano legs.  What a mess! The girls are now 37 and 38 and neither will admit to whose idea it was.

Being an early childhood specialist, I should have known that I had to plan some interesting activities for them to do (within my sight) in the kitchen whenever I was going to be making or receiving calls!  From then on I made sure they had other options than getting into mischief.

Choices were these: a special collage box to use at the table with school glue, or water play in a plastic dishpan with a small amount of water and plastic items for experimentation, or home made play dough (see www.askevelyn.com creative resource pages for recipe) or a can of shaving cream to use as "finger paint" on the table.  I never had trouble again.  They stopped seeing the phone as the enemy and saw it as "good times." These activities, used only at the table, are simple to set up and easy for kids to clean up.

Your child is definitely trying to get your attention, especially since she knows the baby’s coming.  Plan ahead so you can give her attention while you’re on the phone.  These ideas will also work wonders with her attitude about the new baby.  Bone up on other simple, practical ideas with "Welcoming Your Second Baby" by Vicki Lansky, easily found at your bookstore.

Why are Teens Keeping Secrets?
Q:  Our daughter and her first boyfriend have decided to exclude us completely from this area of her “private” life.  As parents we’ve always been concerned about all aspects of her life; now, any questions are met with accusations of “prying.’  They’re both high achievers with high moral standards, and we weren’t worried at first, but her desire for such extreme privacy seems strange.  Even her best girlfriend doesn’t know they are dating.  They only see each other outside of school and they go to his house for dates where there is a downstairs family room that‘s “private.” As her mother, I feel sad that we cannot have conversations and share this special time in her life.  They’re great kids, but we need to know why they feel they need to "hide" this relationship and why she refuses to talk about it.  Shouldn’t we be concerned?  Don’t we have a right to expect things to be different, or should we butt out and leave them alone?  Joy, Online in TN

A: I’d be concerned too.  What strikes me as very odd is that they don’t even tell their peer group; this isn’t the norm for teens.  You and your husband need to set up a private time when you can both to talk with her; insist on it.  You didn’t say her age but I assume if it’s her first boyfriend she’s not yet 18 and of “legal” age.  You have every right to be concerned and to have a family meeting to discuss the situation.  She needs to know that even if she feels very “adult” you are still legally responsible for any of her actions, and morally responsible to give her guidance based on your experience.

Explain that as parents part of your job is to be honest and open and tell her how you feel.  (Tell her just like you told me in your letter.)  Use "I" messages, not "you" messages.  Explain that you want to listen to her reasoning after she hears how you feel. Tell her that since you are legally and morally responsible for her as parents, you have a right to clear the air and get some reasoning and reassurance from her about the reasons for such secrecy. 

This is the mature and responsible way to handle the issue, and part of your job as parents is to nurture mature and responsible relationships between you and your children, as well as with others.  Explain that it is in her (and her friend’s) best long-term interest to have this kind of honest and open discussion.  Remember that when she has her turn to talk you must listen carefully.  Don’t over react and don’t interrupt.  Think and reflect before you respond. 

If you have a positive and ongoing relationship with the boy you might strongly consider including him in this discussion at your family meeting.  If not, meet with her first, but tell the boy's parents that you’re going to have this talk with your daughter to get clarification and reassurance.  Get their input.

Grandparents Must Say Goodbye
Q:  We have an almost 3 yr old son and a 6 month old daughter.  For the birth of my daughter, my parents came from India and stayed with us for 6 months.  My son is very attached to Grandpa.  But they’re leaving shortly and it will be almost 2 yrs before we see them again.  How can I make it easier for him to say goodbye and how can I make him feel better after they leave?  Please help. G.T.P. Online

A: It will be sad for you and the family when they leave, but your three year old
actually does not understand the concept of time.  Three’s live in the now, and
they don't know what next year or next month, or even next week really means.  Usually they don’t even understand yesterday or tomorrow.  So simply say that now grandma and grandpa have to go home to their house.  They have a house too, like we do.  It's time for them to go but they will come back again another day and stay with us again.

Don’t worry, your son will probably adjust more easily than you will.  But he will ask about his grandparents in the days after their departure.  You should say the same thing.  They have a house too, like we do, and now it is time for them to go home to their house until the next time they come see us.   Keep their memory alive with pictures of them and things he did with them while they were here. 

Stay in regular touch with them by exchanging notes and photos by email or post.  Talk about the letters and photos with your son.  You can even make a special scrapbook of these pictures to look at and talk about.  Be sure to take pictures before they leave so you can start his scrapbook now.

Should We Move to New School District or Stay in Old?

Q:  Our kids are 13 and 16.  We’re moving to a neighborhood about 10 miles away.  The kids are really upset about moving away from their friends and they both are begging me to let them stay in the same school since we have "open enrollment."  I want everyone to be happy, but I don't know if it would be practical to let them stay there instead of trying to adjust themselves into a new neighborhood, new friends and a new school.  What is your opinion of this? Arlene Online in TN

A: This is a tough situation.  If you have to drive them to school every day, it's not practical for them to stay in the old district.  That alone would be the biggest factor, considering your time and the gas prices.  Remember that it’s always impossible to make everyone happy. . Mom's who try to achieve perfect happiness for everyone just get stressed out and fatigued.  You have to accept that no matter what you do, your kids will eventually learn that life isn't always easy and happy; it’s a lesson we all have to learn. 

If your 16 year old drives and has a car and is VERY responsible, maybe you could do let them try staying in the old district, but this would present a new set of problems.  For example, if the 16 year old has after school activities and the 13 year old does not, it would be difficult.

If you want to appeal to them to change schools, you need to find motives that
would entice them.  Being able to get into clubs or sports or honors classes that they could not get into at the old school might motivate a change.  (They might make even better new friends, but they won’t believe that.)

Since the schools are not far apart, you could arrange for them to continue their old friendships and social get-togethers anyway, and make new friends too.  Teens may have trouble believing that too, even if they have cell phones and can talk with the old friends often or email them daily...all of which they could still do in the new school.

Have a calm family discussion about this and be completely honest in listing all the pros and cons of old school versus new school, explaining the time and gas situation.  If you know anyone else that has been through this, try to get their input.  If your 16 year old will be a senior next year, it will be harder to accept the move, since he would want to graduate with friends.  You may want to consider letting him stay at the old school and have the 13 yr old move to the new one.  Consider the pros and cons of that idea too.  Good luck; you need it.

Meals and Bedtime for Infant

Q:  My 8 month old daughter has been eating home-made blended foods such as carrots and meats, and I try to introduce new foods every two days.  She is eating well although she can't handle coarsely mashed things with only has one tooth.  When can I introduce tomatoes, mushrooms, peppers and pineapple?  I want her to eat what we eat.  I’ve found very little information on introducing new foods.  She’s a great baby and always in a good mood!  But she cries and fights sleep at bedtime.  I’ve tried to let her cry it out for five minutes but it takes at least a half an hour to put her to bed. Any advice?  Sarah Online

A: Take your doctor's advice about the sequence of when to feed infants and toddlers what type of foods.  Call and tell him or her what you are trying to do; it may not be a good idea to try some of these new foods yet.  It’s commendable to try to introduce new foods but you need to be careful not to push it.  Until she has teeth, why offer coarsely ground foods!  Most infants don’t like spicy foods including those with lots of acid like pineapple.  Wait on the mushrooms and peppers. You have YEARS ahead of you and she’s an infant, not a preschooler.

There should BE no bedtime struggle!  If you are not firm now about putting her to bed at bedtime (This is YOUR CHOICE not hers and YOUR TIME, not hers) this struggle will not go away; it will get worse and worse.  Babies quickly learn what and how to push your buttons, and bedtime is a button they love to push. 

Remember that it’s normal for them to do this for attention, but YOU are the one who must make decisions about their health and the amount of sleep they (and you) need.  (Babies usually need 12-14 hours a night.)  They are not mature little people; they are babies.  Infants and toddlers NEED routines, rules and limits just like twos and threes do.  You won’t damage their self esteem by giving them the security of these limits. 

Create and insist on a simple bedtime routine that you can modify as she gets older.  By the time she walks, here is what that routine would be like.  First prepare: "It's time to put away the toys in 5 minutes…Now it’s time for a bath or clean up. Now we can have a snack (keep it simple and small like bland cereal and milk) and do our tooth brushing."  Then you can do the bedtime story and the tuck in and kiss goodnight.  You might even add a special music box or tape to play softly as you leave her with her security blanket and teddy bear, but LEAVE and don't return at all.  Some will cry longer than 5 minutes and that’s okay.  Start a modification of that routine NOW and stick to it.

Help by Being a Big Sister

Q: I’m not a parent; I'm only fifteen, and I have a really great family. My issue is not about me but about a neighbor child.  Our neighborhood is full of poor families  with small children.  I'm close to one seven year old child in particular who looks up to me a lot. Whenever something's wrong at her house, which is often, she'll come over. Once, her mom and the boyfriend were having a fight and they wouldn't let her and her little brother back in the house. So they both came over and watched movies with us. This is a reoccurring thing. Her three sisters and two brothers, are under age 8; they’re always dirty and running around at all hours, but they’re all good kids. The little girl has horribly low self-esteem and can hardly read. Tonight it was dark and she came shoeless, knocking at our door. Her mom wanted some money to buy cigarettes. Apparently she was freaking out and yelling at the kids and the girl got scared and thought getting the cigarettes would help. Mom and I decided to get her the cigarettes, just to get her to ease up on the kids. We both know that this won’t change much in the long run, but we had to do something.  I'm pretty sure there's no physical abuse and I don't know that it could be termed neglect either, so what can I do to help? A. F. Online in TN

A: You are an exceptional young woman to be interested in trying to help solve this problem.  So is your mom.  Reporting a possible case of neglect to the social services agency takes serious consideration.  If a report is made the agency goes to see the parent and ask questions.  They check the cupboards and refrigerator to see what meals the kids are eating, and that sort of thing.  

For now, I suggest is that you find out who the child's teacher is and make an appointment to tell the teacher what you’ve observed.  This will give the school staff a “heads up” to watch for other signs of neglect. (dirty clothing, same clothes every day, dirty hair, poor school and reading achievement, etc.)  As professionals, teachers are required by law to report such cases.  If you tell them what you and mom have seen, they’ll observe the child more carefully, try to help her more with school-work, and report to the authorities if they feel they should.  

Also, find out about the Big Brother Big Sister program in your community and sign up to be a big sister for the child.  Explain the situation to them if it’s kept   confidential.  That way you can more easily help her out with homework and grooming, and keep an eye on this.  If the mother sees this as a help to HER, especially the schoolwork part, she won't have a problem with it.  You would make a fabulous Big Sister!  Thanks for being a caring person.

Leaving Baby Behind  

Q: We have a five-month old child and my husband and I have the chance to get away for a week’s vacation.  We are unable to take her with us. She will be staying with my parents who she sees often; she’s had many overnight visits with them.  But I am so afraid that she will feel confused or abandoned if we are gone for a whole week.  Is there anything I can do to make this experience enjoyable for all of us?  Sherry B. Memphis

A: Just go and have a wonderful time.  Your five month old is too young to have developed true separation anxiety, and babies do not have the conceptual ability to understand or even consider "abandonment."  They live in the “now” and cannot understand the passage of a week’s time.

 Your child will be fine in the care of those she knows and is comfortable with. Your parents will continue using your loving ways, including loving touch, facial expressions and soothing voices.  They will care for her immediate and daily needs just as you would.

What you can do is have fun and relax.  Spend your time and attention on your husband who probably needs you even more now that your attentions are divided between him and the child.  It is certainly in your best interest and your child's best interests to make sure your relationship as a couple is strong, positive and loving.

If you leave your phone numbers, the family can call if anything happens. If you decide to call them, do it rarely if at all!! (Remember the goal of your excursion.) And don't ask to talk to the baby on the phone, which is okay with preschoolers but would be confusing to a baby.

NOTE TO NEW PARENTS:  One of the best “new” general books about the early years  is called “The First Years” offered by DK Publishing with a forward by Rob Reiner, founder of I Am Your Child Foundation.  DK Publishing, and the Foundation have combined the latest child development research and childcare guidance with the work of authors Joanne Go, Janet Pozmantier and Laurie Segal Robinson to create this comprehensive and beautifully illustrated book.  The book emphasizes practical advice on the first 36 months of a child’s life, and gives clear information about ways early experiences affect children’s development and learning.  The format provides tips on early challenges as well as resources for new parents without being overwhelming.  Start with a general book like this one as an overview.  Later, expand your reading to books about particular topics, like the series on each year of life by Louise B. Ames and Frances Ilg, or books from baby games to toilet training to travel tips by Vicki Lansky, or the books on communication and discipline by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.  My own books and videos can be found on my web site www.askevelyn.com and on amazon.com 

Six Year Old has Health Complaints

Q: We have a 6-year-old daughter that complains about her aches and pains every day.  She will swear to me her leg is broken or how badly her neck hurts.  Everyday it is something different.  I tried to explain the "cry wolf" theory but she never stops. How can I get her to quit?  She is driving us nuts with all of this bellyaching.  Tammy Online in TN

A: You need to find out the real cause of her complaints before you can address this problem.  First, get her a thorough physical just to make sure there is nothing really wrong.  If nothing proves to be wrong with her, think of other causes.  Could she be picking this up from someone who does similar complaining?

Or maybe she is watching too many TV commercials and getting brainwashed into thinking that something has GOT to be wrong with her.  A multitude of commercials try to convince us of this.  Try watching the television commercials with her and explain that these commercials are simply the way drug companies advertise and try to get people anxious enough to buy their products.

At age six she’s old enough to have interests outside herself, plus friends to pursue these interests with.  You can see that complaining about her aches and pains is only making her more self-absorbed.  Observe her, talk with her, and listen to discover her talents and interests.  Then get her into just one sport or Brownies or 4H or art classes or swimming…something she likes and in which she will find new friends.  She needs to have less time to think about her possible problems and more time to do interesting things.

Peers become more important during the years from 6-8.  Try to have her friends
over, and play table games with them.  Board games teach life skills like cooperation, taking turns, persistence, strategy, and winning and losing gracefully. They take the focus off of oneself and help both adults and children relate on the same level as they enjoy each other.

If at all possible, get her involved with some simple type of volunteer work, even if it's spending an hour a week doing helpful things or “TLC” at the Humane Society.  She needs to learn more about the world of others so that she will stop focusing on herself.  This way, maybe she will only tell you about real and serious pains and not just every little thing.

Just one more important point.  Perhaps you are already scheduling her with many  outside activities.  Her complaining may be her only way to express the fact that this  is overwhelming.  She may not know how to tell you and doesn’t want to disappoint you.  Six-year olds should only do one or two extra things besides school, and only if they really love them.

The Help Out Habit

Q: My preschooler clears her place, sets the table, and participates in clean up time at preschool but doesn’t want to do anything at home at all except play.  Shouldn’t she be doing jobs at home like she does at preschool?  Dollie Online in TN

A: Yes!  Your child needs balance in her life at home as well as in preschool…a balanced diet of nutritious foods, a balance of rest and activity, and also a balance of work and play. Young children are not mature enough to make wise choices about planning any of these daily activities.  She won’t do daily jobs at home unless you plan them and provide both guidance and praise along the way, just like they do at preschool.

At preschool, children learn that helping out is expected and that all children help out every day.  When children take these responsibilities it makes them feel they are important members of a group.  This can happen at home too if young children know what’s expected and get praise for doing their jobs.

When your child grow ups she’ll be an adult member of many groups that engage in both work and play.  We all have to work, follow rules, cooperate as team members, and help each other.  If you start the “help out habit” when children are young, you are laying the foundation of these life skills and the work ethic.  Remember that how perfectly children do their jobs is not as important as teaching them this important help out habit.

Point out that all our family members do simple things every day that are helpful to each other, just like at school.  For example, when she gets dressed and undressed by herself or puts her dirty clothes in the hamper, or puts away her toys, she is helping the family group.  Tell her she is growing up, and now she can do more helpful things.  When everyone helps out there’s more time for family fun!

Give her some simple daily chores or jobs that are appropriate for her age  Give clear, short, simple explanations of what to do.  It is important that that you give her lots of praise for each task she completes.  (When children get praise or gold stars on a calendar for what they do either at home or at school, they continue to do it.)  Here are some ways she can help out at home.                                                            

Keep her own room and toys in order

    • Help sort and fold clean baby clothes or laundry
    • Help take care of pets and water plants
    • Sweep the deck or walk with a short broom
    • Help put groceries away after shopping
    • Clean fingerprints from child-high windows and woodwork
    • Help set and clear the table
    • Scrub vegetables or help prepare foods

Family Meals - Passing on Family Values

Q: I don’t understand the kids I see today out in public.  Most of them seem to have no manners and seem totally self-absorbed.  How do parents get through to them and teach them any family values?  In our day, we knew and could express what our parents valued.  Isn’t this happening anymore? G. N. Online in TN

A: Passing on one’s values to children is increasingly difficult for today’s parents because of declining opportunities for daily, face-to-face family conversations, and conversations are one of the major ways family values are communicated.  Taking time to listen and talk together is certainly possible today, but it does not happen as easily and naturally as it did in the past, when day-to-day routines like family meals and family games included and encouraged conversations.

For example, families used to eat meals together, even if it was only supper or dinner each day.  This was a time for talking about what each person’s day was like…talking over how they felt about what they did that day and who they did it with.  Families also talked about their families and friends; they discussed what was going on in the workplace and the world and voiced opinions about these things.  When parents talk to children (or each other with children present) about what is important to them, they are stating their values.

Eating at least one meal with my parents each day gave me some definite messages about what my folks believed was important, such as the work ethic, loyalty, friendship, a sense of humor, honesty and manners.  They talked about books and articles, and often told funny stories about their day.  And I also heard their views on political issues and the reasons they felt the way they did.  Today, the opportunity for family dinner conversation, a primary way of passing on our family values, is being lost simply because we are not prioritizing family meals.  

What a waste of opportunities to relate to each other face to face and listen and talk about what is meaningful in our lives.  What a waste of opportunities to teach our children what we believe is important and why, without even trying, just by eating dinner together. Isn’t this more important to our children than having family members rush off to see a TV show, call someone, or do some extra office work?  After all, we are only talking about an hour a day out of the 168 hours in a week.  

Eating together and playing games together around the table are the best ways to do modeling and face-to-face communication that strengthens family bonds and passes on our values to children.  TV, shopping, malls, movies, computers and videos are no substitute for conversations between parents and children.  Make your New Year resolution to have family meals every night that it’s possible.  Turn off the phone and TV, relax, talk and enjoy each other as people.

Getting Baby to Sleep

Q: I have a three-month old baby girl.  She will NOT sleep on her own. At night she sleeps with me, and during the day she will only sleep on my chest. My pediatrician told me to put her in her crib but she won’t stay.  I have tried everything . I let her cry and she just screams until she falls asleep for 10 minutes and then regains energy to scream again.  I have tried white noise, music, and a mobile but they only work briefly.  I can’t get house-work done; I hardly get anytime to myself, and I cannot sleep well with her in my bed.  Please help!  Chris Online in TN

A: You must go to the bookstore or library and get Vicki Lansky's book..."Getting Your Baby to Sleep and Back to Sleep Again."  If you follow her directions they WILL WORK.  This is an excellent book that has been used for many years by thousands of parents.

Stop worrying if your child fusses and cries.  It is normal!  And ALL of us
need to learn to go to sleep on our own...this is a natural human thing we all
must learn, not something we are born with.  As adults we go to bed and get up and go back to sleep.  Your child will learn this too, but not if you keep picking her up when she fusses and screams.

You say she "won’t stay in her crib.”  Please.  She is 3 months old and she
will stay in the crib if you leave her there and leave the room.  It may
take a few nights for her to learn that she must relax and go to sleep but
she will learn this.  Be patient.  If she falls asleep and then wakes and screams
leave her be...each time she does this she will take less and less time to go back to sleep, and soon the problem will be solved.

Of course you must be sure she is safe; this means no pillows in the crib.  Also, be
VERY sure she is completely burped after her feeding.  Air bubbles can cause painful gas and colic.  Colic is very common at this age, as your doctor should have told you.  Ask your doctor what you can do about colic just in case she has it.

You need to take care of yourself so you can properly take care of her and
raise her.  This cannot happen if you are tired and run down.  So get your
rest and take care of yourself, the house, and your spouse if you have one.  Don't let your 3-month-old start controlling your life.  This is not good for you or for her.  You are the one in charge...and you have to be, because young children cannot and should not make decisions about their health, rest and long-term best interest.

Reducing Holiday Stress

Q: My daughter in law is going ballistic over her shopping, decorating and plans for holiday entertaining.  Our grandchildren ( all under age 8) are picking up on the stress and acting worse every day.  Please give me some tips to share that will calm things down.  Ellie in Memphis

A: Keeping it simple seems to be hard for some folks.  But tell her that if you’re a parent of young children and expect to have a perfectly clean house, perfect decorations, perfect dinners and perfect gifts, you’re setting yourself up for disaster.  Having unrealistic expectations is a major cause of stress. 

Your real friends and loved ones will care much more about relaxing conversation and laughter during time spent together than what your house and hors dorves look like.  And do we really want to spend time with people who are critiquing our every move, our food and our decorations?  Holidays are for joy and fond memories for both parents and children.  Here are some tips.

    • Look at the calendar and set realistic goals for events and shopping.
    • Cut back on fancy dinners and have more potlucks in which everyone can be a star and share favorite recipes.
    • Buy some of the cookies at bake sales or do them early and freeze them for the event.
    • Let the spouse and kids help with the baking, cooking, cleaning and decorations.  Let them help with some of the shopping.  Delegate!  This is a time for family teamwork.
    • Let young children know ahead when company is coming to dinner.  Go  over your expectations for their behavior.  If it has to be formal (hopefully not) teach the children the ropes by acting out or pretending the dinner party ahead of time.
    • Use candle light whenever possible.  It flatters both people and houses.
    • Above all, think about what is really important…being together and having fun…and rediscover your sense of humor.
    • Remember that interchangeable parts may not be, and that unassembled toys will take twice as long to assemble as you think, and some parts will be left over.
    • Remember that the time it takes to find a parking place is not at all proportional to the time you spend shopping.  So do as much as you can “online”.
    • Remember that the more expensive a gift, the better your chances that someone will drop and break it.  Simple and thoughtful gifts are best.
    • Get extra scissors, gift tags and tape and hide some of it in a safe place.  Amnesia always strikes family members and children when these things are not where they should be.

When your children grow up they won’t remember your fancy meals or your perfectly clean house; they’ll remember the fun and love you shared

Holidays and Family Values

Q:  <